thenightskydreamer

I like the smell of earth, the touch of waves, the taste of berries, the sight of trees, the sound of laughter and the feeling of being fully alive.

[pamabrew]

🖤 Healing Didn’t Look Like I Thought It Would 🖤

Nobody really talks about this part of healing…

The part where you look okay on the outside,

but inside—you’re still fighting the same heaviness you thought you already let go of.

After a season of heartbreak and self-abandonment, I tried so hard to distract myself.

I kept busy. I avoided overthinking. I ran from the quiet moments where I had to sit with myself.

But no one tells you how loud it gets when you’re alone.

The panic attacks.

The anxiety—even in the most normal moments.

The suffocating feeling of being surrounded by people, yet still feeling alone.

The key word was avoided.

And avoiding everything only made it worse.

One night, I woke up feeling that heaviness again.

And that’s when it hit me—

Avoiding isn’t the cure. Acceptance is.

Healing isn’t about running away.

It’s about sitting with everything you’ve been trying so hard to escape.

But there’s so much pressure, right?

To “be okay already.”

To “move on fast.”

To stop feeling so much.

And honestly… that pressure only made things heavier.

Sitting with my emotions meant feeling everything again—

the pain, the longing, the regrets, the what-ifs,

and even the urge to go back.

I had to be honest with myself.

To admit that I wasn’t okay.

To admit that I felt weak again.

To admit that maybe… I failed at love.

But this time, I chose something different.

I didn’t blame myself.

I forgave myself—

for loving deeply,

for trusting,

for the times I abandoned myself just to hold on to something that wasn’t meant to stay.

And somewhere in that pain… I started to rediscover myself.

What I truly deserve.

How I want to be loved.

The boundaries I should never cross again.

Healing doesn’t just expose your wounds—

it shows you how much of yourself you were willing to lose just to feel chosen.

But it also gives something back…

A quiet kind of peace.

A deeper understanding of who you are.

And a stronger trust in your own voice.

I’m not there yet…

but I like where I am now.

I’m not fully healed—

but I’m finally someone who doesn’t run from her own pain anymore.

And maybe…

That's what healing really is.

💬 If you’re going through this too, take your time. You’re not behind—you’re healing. 🤍

[pamabrew]

Today, I’m choosing to be honest with myself.

I keep replaying everything in my head—what I did wrong, what I could’ve done better, why I wasn’t

enough for someone who made me feel invisible. But I’m starting to see the truth more clearly now:

loving someone should not require me to disappear.

I tried. I really did. I adjusted, I waited, I explained myself over and over again. I told myself that

growth meant being patient, that love meant understanding at my own expense. Somewhere along the way, I confused endurance with commitment.

Wanting effort was never too much.

Wanting communication was never too much.

Wanting to be treated with care and respect was never too much.

That was the bare minimum, and I spent too long convincing myself otherwise. It hurt realizing that I felt lonelier with someone than I would have on my own. That I was fighting for a partnership while standing alone. That I was shrinking myself so someone else could feel bigger.

I questioned myself constantly—if I was too emotional, too demanding, too sensitive. But the truth is,

I was just asking to be loved properly. And that should never make someone feel guilty. I know now that letting go doesn’t mean I failed. It means I listened to myself. It means I chose peace before bitterness, clarity before resentment. I don’t need to wait until I’m completely numb to walk away.

Being alone again doesn’t scare me the way it used to. There is freedom in not feeling trapped.

There is relief in choosing myself. There is hope in opening my life again to things that feel light

instead of heavy.

This is me closing a chapter—not with anger, but with understanding. I forgive myself for staying as long as I did. I forgive myself for believing love had to hurt to be real.

This isn’t the end of love.

It’s the beginning of self-respect.

And that feels like the right place to start.

🖤 - Pam

[pamabrew]

It Feels Like Home

Today, I found myself walking through the hospital corridors when I passed by its chapel. There was something about it—quiet, worn, yet magnetic—that pulled me in. I had to see what was inside.

It was a typical hospital chapel: spacious, slightly faded, but filled with a familiar scent that instantly made me feel at home. The aroma of old wood, mingled with incense and wilted flowers, the solemn gaze of saintly statues, and the face on the cross—all of it transported me back to my university’s chapel before it was lost to fire. That place shaped me in ways I’m still discovering. I carry its image in my memory, untouched by time or tragedy, and I know seeing its post-burned version now would feel strange.

I got emotional for a moment. It’s been a long time since I’ve stepped into a church, let alone a chapel meant to be so private, intimate, and serene. I used to pass by mall chapels on my way home, always seeking that quiet refuge in a city surrounded by noise and buildings. Today reminded me how much I’ve missed that feeling—of simply being still.

I don’t know where my faith has taken me, but I know Erps would be proud of me for acknowledging my flaws and trying to renew my relationship with Him. I’m not religious. I rarely go to church. But I believe I still have a bond with Him—something quiet, personal, and enduring. I don’t even know what I believe in anymore, but I do know this: to survive, to truly live, you have to believe in something. Something that gives you hope, keeps you sane, and guides you to do what is right and just.

Eventually, we all reach that point. And when you do, I hope you have a home inside you—a place you can return to. That sacred space within where you can be honest with yourself and find peace in simply being.

[pamabrew]

More days for coffee.☕️

[pamabrew]

The smell of the books..🍃

[pamabrew]

Coffee, books and all things hygge.🤍

[pamabrew]

On accepting who we are and being enough.

Kumusta ka? Ikaw na pagod, malungkot, nag iisip ng mga bagay-bagay, wanting to be heard but felt voiceless. Ikaw na feeling mo ginawa mo naman lahat pero kulang padin. Yung feeling mo nasayang na naman ang isang buong araw kasi walang ibang nangyari.

Most of the time we beat ourselves so hard that we failed to see all our efforts, all our determinations, and our willingness to try. That one glimpse of hope knowing that we’re still alive and trying to live our lives as normal as possible. I for instance, I have been a victim of my own self-loathing. I would blame myself for all the bad things happening around me, for the wrong decisions, for being sad, for being alone, and for being in an unwanted situation. I’ve been too harsh with myself that I forget to give myself some credit for those days that I’ve felt like I’ve done something good, I’ve accomplished something big or even small, for believing that I deserved all the good things because I’ve worked hard for it. I failed to trust myself, I failed to remember those moments when I only have myself as back up, those days when I thought I couldn’t survive a breakup, loss of someone, or those days I’ve been struggling to find myself, to know myself. I failed to give myself the credit for always showing up, not giving up, and for knowing what I want.

I failed to be fully honest with myself. There was also a time when I couldn’t bear to look in the mirror because I always see myself as the ugly one. Mundane and nothing special. Contrary to how other people see me. I’ve struggled to accept the good things that they’re telling me about me. It’s hard for me to accept a compliment. So now that I’m being honest with myself, I realized that past traumas have to be left where it belongs – to the past. Because I realized that, I’ve been so hard on myself for a long time that I thought I’m giving myself a favor for being strong, detached, and resilient. Some worked out in a good way but there will always be loopholes. I’ve set boundaries to keep myself from the hurt, disappointments, and from falling apart not realizing that I’m doing it in the wrong way.

So, as I’m writing this, I feel like some good energies are being released by my body and slowly embracing and accepting the things that I have within me. We all have insecurities and mine would be the fear of not being enough. Those people might get disappointed in me for not being the best. But I realized that being enough also has something to do with the other person’s needs. It’s not always about you not making it to the cut but for others as well for not meeting their expectation. So, you will always be enough. I’ve set this mindset to always forgive myself for not getting things done especially if it requires efforts from others as well. I’ve learned to not blame myself for not meeting their standards. For not knowing. As long as I’ve given my best, I have my truth, and that I know tomorrow I can try again. All being well.

It’s a different feeling altogether when you embrace your imperfections, your flaws, the things you have no control of, and the things that may break you. Know that you can always get back up, that you don’t have to do everything alone. We always aim to be the best version of ourselves that we became so hard at pushing it. We failed to recognise the truth that every day is a learning process, that as we set sail on the vast ocean, we will always have something to take to become better. There’s no limit, no deadlines on being better. We just have to be open to anything that will come, accept and keep moving forward. You don’t have to be enough for others you just have to be enough for yourself and be gentle with it.

Love.

Pam

[pamabrew]

Songs That Helped Me Get Through Things

When all else fails, music is here to stay. We all experience tough times and unfortunate things in life. This year has been a total turnaround for me and I bet for everyone as well. I’ve made so many big decisions and there’s no turning back. I’m in this place where I know what I want, what I need, and how I want my life to be. I have to let go of things that no longer serve me. Things and people whom I know will never be happy for me and will never help me grow. Some things have to end and bridges that need to be set on fire. I never really deep dive into the feeling and all the emotions which I know will only suffocate me. I never really had those sleepless nights and never the “no-appetite” feeling because I’ve learned to control my mind of all the things that will only hurt the wounds.

I’ve told myself so many times during one of my pep talk that I know I’ve given enough, that I know that I am enough. If you’re the other person who has given it all, there will never be any regrets. There will be no what-ifs and what could have been. I am that person and I know no matter what, there will always be another version of any story but mine will always be my truth. How did I make it through those downtimes? Music helps.

Let me share the music that will forever be the OST of this chapter.

Those times when you know you’re almost losing the tie.

“Pasensya ka na at 'di ko na rin madama

Kay tagal kitang hinihintay

Pasensya ka na kaya ko ng mag-isa

Kalayaan sa kamay ng lumbay'

Funny that ever since I’ve heard this song it got stuck into my head and I feel like it’s speaking to me or rather, I am speaking the music.

Those moments when you know it’s a dead-end but you make yourself believe that maybe we still can.

Unang Hakbang by Quest

“Yung di na mababago bitawan mo na

Sa paghilom ng sugat may bagong simula

Maniwala ka man o hindi

Lahat yan ay merong silbi, sige…” 

That moment when you know you’ve had enough.

“Tama na siguro nga di naman sa

Pagmamayabang pero ako'y pagod na

Sobrang sagad di pa ba sapat, oh tama na, tama na”

Di ako nanghuhusga

Kung sadyang di nagtugma

Ang hirap lang kasing ako ang laging taya

Ako ang laging mali

Ikaw ang laging may alam

Nagbulag bulagan na't lahat mapasaya ka lang

O teka di na dapat mag martir

Di na dapat pag awayan

Sabihin mo lang yung dahilan

Kung bakit naglaho

Damdamin mong tusong

Nagpaikot sa pag-asang may "Tayo"

When all has been said and done and people who know less, start judging you and questioning you.

Tayo Lang Ang May Alam by Peryodiko

“Tayo lang ang nakakaalam

Nando'n sa pagitan ng paalam at pahiram

Tayo lang ang may alam

Tayo lang”

And then there’s the break of dawn and you’re still getting a hold of yourself.

“Oh, I couldn't stop it

Tried to slow it all down

Crying in the bathroom

Had to figure it out

With everyone around me saying

"You must be so happy now”

Then there’s this song that can make it as the other person’s apology.

“Inaasahang malabong mapapatawad pa

Ang sakit din para sa 'kin na hayaan ka

Bumitaw dahil lang sa napabayaan ko

Ang pag-ibig na laging pinaglalaban mo

Dati-dati ay palaging sabik

Laging sinasalubong mo 'ko ng yakap at halik

Ngayon tila biglang kumupas na

Walang pag-asang magkalunas pa”

And when you’ve finally found another chance at love, there goes the other person’s parting words..

Ingatan Mo by Yayoi ✪ feat. Serjo & JDK 

“Pwede bang ingatan mo siya

Mga bagay na di ko man lang nagawa nung kami pa

Bawat larawan nyo na magkasama

Ay may mga ngiti nyo na higit nung kami pa

Ingatan mo siya

Dahil mali ako nung hinayaan ko sya na mawala

Ipakita mong sya ang mundo

Masakit ma'y kasalanan ko”

Finally, the song that made you believe that there will always be that someone who will meet you on a soul level and that there’s no giving up on love. 

“I'm not gonna fight back what I've become Yeah, I got bruises where I came from But I wouldn't change if I could restart I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars I've been going way too hard on myself Guess that it's the reason I've been feeling like hell But I wouldn't change if I could restart I ain't gonna hide these beautiful scars”

I will forever be thankful to the Universe for leading me to this place that has always been with me all along. For giving me the courage to fight for myself and to never ever doubt what I have become. 

Love,

Pam A.

[pamabrew]

Writing has always been my first love. Since grade school, I would write short stories about random teenage love tales. I would write every night on my diary, sealing it with a padlock.😂 I’ve been writing from paper to digital — pamabrew.com to pamabrew.tumblr. I even did writing as a job. I gave blogging a try and find it interesting for a while. Been on hiatus and I started writing offline with so many unpublished short stories and one novel in progress.

I’ve been so afraid to let people read my work. I’ve been so afraid about them not getting it 😂 because that would mean that I am not that effective. I even printed everything like this one here with all my blog entries and unpublished poems and short stories. I wanted to make a little le journal for myself. Not for everyone to read but to keep it privately for my own pleasure. Maybe, this time I have to really finish the job and the printing so I would minus myself the frustration of not getting it done.

I admire people who has the same passion as mine. I admire those who has the courage to let the world read their minds. I wish I would have the same brave heart as yours.🤍

[pamabrew]

Bedroom Dump  © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

Random Shots  © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

Food Photography © pamabrew

[pamabrew]

I did a four-day social media detox and here’s what happened.

I’ve been out of focus for the past couple of weeks and I feel like something is really off. There’s this need again to detach, to unplug for a while to everything. I was thinking, was it about my personal life? Family? My job? Friends? Surprisingly, none of those were the reason. I was at work one day trying to focus on finishing my job, listening to my worship playlist when I suddenly felt overwhelmed.

Have you ever felt the need to always share whatever it is that you’re doing? Or when you feel like you are so committed to always have something to share even if it’s to be honest, was so lame and nonsense? I mean just to show people that you have a life and that you’re on it? Or that because you have a target KPI from people? Haha! Pathetic isn’t it? But most of us are guilty of doing such. Nothing’s bad about it it’s just a matter of how it affects you or it helped you cope up with things or sometimes just an outlet.

That’s when I realized that I am overdoing it and I’ve been oversharing. Whenever I’m on transit or just somewhere being unoccupied, I feel like social media has been a responsibility for me to check or do. Okay, I do social media for a living and no matter how hard I want to quit Facebook, I am not allowed because it’s my job, same with instagram. So now you’re thinking how I did that four-day social media detox, right?

Here’s how:

I’ve logged out all of my accounts from my apps and have to keep just those brands I’m handling. I can’t log-out of Facebook because of well, my job again.

I gave myself a limit to just check whenever (Facebook) I’m being tagged, mentioned or have to check inquiries. I hardly browse especially at night. (Instagram) I’ve cheated on the first day and tried looking at some stories but I have to be firm for my sanity. So, I never browse again nor watch any stories from the people I follow.

I made sure that I don’t put my phone on my bedside table when sleeping and that I don’t go checking on it first thing in the morning.

I’ve started writing on my journal again, religiously and I started bringing a book again.

So I hope people won’t take it personally if I don’t appear lately on your story viewers or if I don’t like any of your posts or if I ignore some DMs. I just have to detach for a while. I just have to let go and get used to not being so attached with technology and social media because the system is starting to corrupt my sanity. But you know what happed during those four days?

Here are the deets:

I’ve finished a book. Yep, in four days I get to finish that current book I am reading which would probably take me two months to finish. (Depends on the book actually)

I became so productive that I get to do some backlogs for my freelance, and even manage to spend some time taking photographs again.

I became so content again with silence and for meditation. I finally did it!

I get to be at the moment. I get to be present and get to really hear everything.

I was able to work out regularly without the need to show it off. I was able to do a lot of things actually without the need to share.

And finally, I get to realized that the best moments in life don’t make it on social media. I no longer have the urge, the need and the want to share.

I have to admit that it ain’t easy especially when it’s your job to manage social media accounts. It ain’t easy because some might think that you are just being selective or insecure. But you know what? It felt so good. It felt so good that you no longer have to always care about what other people are doing. That you don’t always have to have something to show. It felt so good that you have something to keep for you. And finally, it felt so wonderful to finally let go. To finally let go of the fear of “missing out”, the fear of “what others may think” and the fear of “not being seen”. I will definitely be sharing again but might depends its importance. I will now continue watching your stories again and be liking your posts again but note that I might be late on doing so. I don’t plan to keep myself updated 24/7.

I’m happy of what I did and my soul is even happier now. I feel so light and carefree and definitely back on track with my sanity.

[pamabrew]

Life Lately // Let time take its course.

I have been wanting to write everything for the past couple of weeks especially on my birthday week. That week gave me the roller coaster of emotions that I've been putting on sidelines for quite some time. But you know what? I've been repeating these lines in my head: 

 and it helped.

I'm grateful that this year will end in a more steady boat. That this year never fail to give me the peace of mind that I've lost over a year. I'm grateful for the answered prayers and for finally being free in all aspect. Grateful for finally giving myself the chance to grow and to open myself to more opportunities.

Anyhow, 

Let me tell you about this thing that made me realized that time doesn't heal all wounds. I belong to a broken family, my parents got separated when I was 7. I've witnessed everything a child must have not witnessed at a young age. I've witnessed how my father ruined our family. That night will forever be the tipping point of my childhood. I saw how my father got so drunk and wasted to the point of battering my mom over and over. I've heard words that were not meant to be heard by a child. I've seen evil on my father's eyes as he continues to curse and beat my mom.

All the fears and emotions I had on that night still lingers on me. For so long I've been so afraid to see couples fighting and seeing drunk people. I never wanted to witness anything like those because the fear would start to crawl in. I've been so afraid for 24 years and still afraid at the age of 31. I'm not sure how long I am going to have this feeling but I don't have any plans of nursing it for too long.

Recently, I got the news of how sick my father was and of how he wanted to see us, me and my brother. Honestly, we both don't know what to feel. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about someone whom you haven't seen for a decade or more. I'm not really sure if I'm ready for that but I know that I AM NOT THERE YET. I am not ready for a little reunion because if I'm going to look back at my emotions a few weeks back, I'd rather not see him at all, till the very end.

They say time heals all wounds, bet not. Because time itself needs some healing. Do not give me the "forgive and forget", "after all he's still your dad" bullshit because I'm not buying that. At the age of seven, I have learned a great deal of maturity on standing for yourself and to never long for someone who isn't there anymore. There was a time a month after my college graduation that I received a phone call from him. I was on the street at that time walking to my next job interview, I was only 20 then. He then asked me how I am doing, where I am and the usual "kamustahan". I never really liked having conversations over the phone especially with him. He then asked me "Bakit ka naghahanap ng trabaho dapat nagpapahinga ka muna kasi kaka graduate mo lang". That moment hit me like a volcano that's about to explode. I am on the edge of answering "Eh gago may pamilya akong dapat buhayin at kapatid na dapat pag aralin na dapat ikaw ang gumagawa". I just answered "Kailangan na eh." I don't really see the point of him calling me or even the point of having that conversation with him. I just don't.

I'm sorry if I sound mad but really I am not. I'm done getting mad that I don't have any more feelings to give. I was so done crying my heart out that I've got no more tears to cry for that matter. No, I haven't forgiven him yet. I can't. I'm saving that probably - God knows when. I don't feel sorry for my family though. In fact, I thought it was a blessing that we've been broken early. My mom got her freedom she deserves and I was never really short of having a father figure growing up. I have my uncle and Fr. Martin. They both made me feel loved and secured that I don't think my father can make me feel.

You know I'm glad that I'm writing this just now. I'm glad that as I'm writing this, I'm feeling more at peace and calm and never thought of crying. Never sad, never mad just plain thinking. I remember I was in this power yoga class a few weeks ago and while doing the cool-down part, I almost cried because I suddenly thought of forgiving him but then it stopped. I guess even yoga can't do anything about that part now.

We can't really force something that isn't there yet. We can't really force forgiveness or even acceptance. I am no longer that old self where I want everyone around me to be happy even jeopardizing my own happiness. I've learned to give more value to myself and to listen to what my soul is saying. I no longer force myself to like others just because "it's the right thing to do". We all can live peacefully without liking each other, without making yourself always available for them. People should know that we all got our own lives to live. We can always say NO to things that don't interest us anymore. WE JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO RESPECT DIFFERENCES.

I'm not sure how I made you feel by reading this and by knowing what's on my mind, but I'm pretty sure that I'm glad I made this. :) 

[pamabrew]

I still dream of Peter Pan & Neverland

Hi I’m Pam! I’m turning 31 this year and I think I’m still somehow feeling unmoor. Sometimes I feel like a paper boat sailing aimlessly into the vast ocean or sometimes floating by the stream.

When I was a kid, I used to think that Peter Pan would one day show up outside our window asking me to come with him to Neverland. I used to hang out alone by the big window of our old house. It was a big capiz window that has the perfect view of the horizon. I used to sit there every afternoon imagining that little boy Peter Pan would come showing up, waving at me, so I could wave back.

I remember always asking my grade school classmates to draw me a house with a garden. Specifically a small house behind the mountains or inside a forest with a little stream flowing by the garden and a garden filled with different plants and flowers. A place where I could just sit and read a book. I never really liked reading books at that time but I always imagine myself sitting by the tree reading my favorite book.

I used to play alone when I was a kid. I enjoyed building blocks and paper houses for my toy soldiers and creating my own story. I used to play basketball with my neighbors but mostly I’m at home playing by the garden with my luto-lutuan. I never really liked playing with other kids, I never really liked changing my game’s storyline. I guess I’m always that bossy kid who never really liked listening to other kids.

Maybe I was born to solitude. Maybe even as a kid I’ve fully enjoyed the freedom of enjoying my own company. That even when I feel like being with people, I’d always end up enjoying being alone. Sometimes, I wish I could live those moments again, sometimes I wish I could still sit on that big window and would finally see Peter Pan. I wish I could go back to that moment where bubbles are made of gumamela leaves and afternoons are made of coffee and pandesal, under our atsuete tree.

Am I sad? No, I’m not. But sometimes it feels comforting to reminisce and think of those good old days.

Drawing: Chow :)

Book: Nightwatch from Erps

[pamabrew]

There are no goodbyes, just see you later..

I’m not so sure how I’m going to start writing for this person without even crying. Today, as we were singing Moon River for him, I was on the verge of crying. I don’t know if it’s because I know that that moment will be the last time we’re going to have him around or just because my heart was just so glad seeing him singing with us.

Goodbyes are never easy and sometimes it gets ugly. It’s never easy setting people free and seeing them live another chapter of their life without you. I am good at goodbyes, I’ve even mastered the art of burning bridges, but how can you detach from someone when that someone was the one who taught you how to do it?

The beginning of June has got me all confused, afraid and sentimental. Fr. Martin, whom I consider as one of those special people in my life was diagnosed with the early stage of dementia.   He couldn’t even remember what it is he’s suffering from so I have to put it on his note. I cried for weeks, I cried and got so afraid for what’s going to happen next. They said he finally have to go back to Ireland and spend the rest of his treatment in a facility inside The Columban Missionary House in Ireland.

I couldn’t comprehend at first, couldn’t even accept why he has to leave and not just stay here and let us help him remember when it’s time. But the old man himself had accepted his fate. He was so brave enough to accept his situation and could even joke about not remembering us.    

Fr. Bernard Martin has been an angel to everyone he knows, he has been the father, grandpa and confidant to many. Just like everyone, Father or Erps as we all call him has been my guardian since 2005. If without him, I wouldn’t get that scholarship and I wouldn’t be with the best people in my life right now. We’ve known each other and have been friends for 13 strong years now. Erps has been there for me from the highest to the lowest point in my life and he never judged me even once when I had “that” phase in my life. He was there when no one has the ear to listen to all my ideas and dreams in life. He was the one who gave me my first camera. It was a graduation gift that I would treasure forever. He wanted to make sure that I would not stop pursuing my dreams and to continue taking good photographs.

Erps was there when I lost my grandma, he was there when I had my first heartbreak and he said that I’ll surely get by, that I am strong. He was the inspiration to all my books, the one who taught me the importance of reading and the beauty of solitude. He was there when I was out there trying to figure out life after college, trying to fit into the corporate jungle. He was there ready to listen and how he would always ask me how he can help.

Honestly, I feel so heartbroken right now. I might feel like this for a long time especially I know that there will come a time when he would just like to stare at our photos instead of using his ipad to communicate. There will come a time when he wouldn’t even remember every single name of the people he would be staring at and that-made me feel sad even more.

I know that I would miss visiting him in Singalong and visiting UE without him will never be the same again. I know I have to accept simple things like zero replies from him, no more him calling just because his load is about to expire. No more him telling me how special I am and how happy he is to have me around.

I don’t know how I will be able to move on from this sadness, from the yearnings. I don’t know how I’m going to live my life as normal as when he’s still around. 

How unfair it is knowing that you will not be able to walk with me down the aisle. How I am going to imagine you there enjoying Ireland’s air. I wish God would give you all the strength you will need. I wish God would continue hugging you and smiling at you because you deserve all the love and happiness in this world.

I am hearing Moon River right now Erps and I’m sobbing like a child while writing this and it’s breaking my heart. I have to stop because I know words are not enough..

I will forever be your Pamelita..

Thank you for everything, Erps. 

“We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me..”

[pamabrew]

How being in a long distance relationship made me a better person.

It’s been four months now and I know that that’s a very short time compared to those whose relationship were built thru distance.  We’re still on this different time zone setting, the hi, hello talk and the good morning, good night leaving of messages. We have more months to go and for me, it’s fine. I’ve adjusted so well that I’m beginning to do other stuff for myself.

March

-  I’ve decided to accept freelance work because I realized that since I have more time to spare and more time online, why not make the most out of it. After all, it’s still an extra income.

April

- Whoa! Finally, box checked out of my bucket list because I’ve finally had the guts to enroll myself on a gym membership and started up circuit training. Again, I have more time to spare and an hour or two won’t hurt. It wasn’t easy especially if most of the time I’m doing it alone, it’s not easy because I’m still hesitant that I might look awkward trying to make myself strong. So why now? Because I’ve decided to make myself physically strong. I’m not doing this just because it’s summer or I want to get that “beach body” rather, I’m doing this for strength and to live a more fit and balanced life.

I don’t have plans on getting married nor having a baby yet. I’m still on the process of appreciating myself more and doing things on my own. I am still in love with the idea of exploring more and of becoming a better version of myself. Again, I get it just don’t worry about me not settling down yet. There were times when I feel guilty about feeling good about myself, about feeling free and about being able to do the things that I want to do. But then I realized that hey, it’s my life and I was not born to lock myself up and just be validated by others. I don’t expect validation from other people anymore. I am past that stage and I’m no longer interested on looking back. I’ve had my fair share of questioning myself drama and I am now me.

Commitment

- Just because I am doing things on my own doesn’t mean I have to compromise my commitment. I am committed to this person for four years now and I’m not planning to jeopardize that anytime soon. Besides, I’m happy that he’s happy with what I’m doing for myself. We are both doing things differently in life and for our career and we are very supportive of each other.

 - Yes, there were times that I feel like I am alone and that there will be misunderstandings but I think it’s just normal in a relationship. I’m just glad that we’re both matured to understand differences.  

 Temptation

- Yes, there were those who’s going to make you feel that you needed someone by your side “all the time”. There were those who’s giving you too much attention and those who’s going to make you feel special. Do I care? Of course I do. Because I respect their feelings and I respect them as a person but would I give in? What the hell do you expect me to say? I’m 30 and no longer interested on hooking up, “pa tweetums move” those teen-ager kind of feeling. I’m sorry but I’m not for it. I’m content and grateful for what we have. He’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me.

- How sure am I that he’s not cheating? Ever heard of the word TRUST? Yeah, there might be more blondes out there but I’m pretty confident that he would stay loyal to his commitment.

I  never thought that this would be this easy, I never thought that there are still things, good things out there for me to explore. I know that I’m getting older and have to make good choices also make more decent priorities in life but believe I’ve been doing those since at the age of 19. I know my responsibilities and been handling them so well so just give me this freedom to enjoy life even more.

To everyone who’s in this kind of relationship as well, stay strong and live your life just the way you want it. Never mind those who’s trying to question you just because they can’t do it for themselves. Your life, your choice. Stay free and in love!