Tears Are Falling @pandagurl21blog - Tumblr Blog

How does one shut it off?

The loudness from the silence

The screaming that comes with the darkness

Just to make it stop

When you see the light

And another wall crashes the view

Leaving you in the dust

Trapped with your own demons

Losing the fight with every moment that passes

Barely making it through the bad thoughts

The horrible voices telling you your worthless

Drowning out that scared girl showing her how powerless she really is

If you didn't wake up tomorrow

How would you feel?

Me?

Id feel relief

Because even though

There is a big unknown

It would all just stop

All the screams

All the voices

All the horrible silence

It just stops

Feeling like a burden

Feeling like nothing

Feeling lonely

It just stops

You seize to exist

Just stop existing

All that pain

And suffering

Suffocating

Just stops

That's all I want

So if you didn't wake up tomorrow

How would you feel?

The darkness creeps in

More and more

What's the point

If I disappeared no one would notice

If I just left everyone would. E okay

I'm exhausted

Just let it all end.

I'm sick of talking

I'm sick of being told don't get worked up

Feeling ignored when I do say something

So I suffer in silence

Inside my own head

Where the voices tell me

I'm worthless

I don't belong here

It's not worth it

No one cares

And Every time you reach out

And get shut down

Or told

It gets better

Or nothing but knowing

They don't understand

Makes you feel worse

Because it ALWAYS

Gets bad again

It always results

In the feeling of abandonment

In the feeling it'd be easier to leave

Delete and disappear

Death doesn't seem so scary

It just feels right

Sitting in the darkness forever

When light is so blinding

Find peace with your demons

They are the ones who have stood by you

Through it all

They have gone through the depths of hell with you

When you've loss faith

In those you thought you could count on

Your demons have stayed

No One Tells You

They say it gets better

But if we are really honest

It doesn't

Sure things turn around

For a bit

Or seems to

But no one tells you about

How it is when it's bad again

When it feels worse

That's pain

The repeat downward spiral

The tears

The silent screams that seem louder

The constant loneliness

Then the need for that loneliness

The constant masking

Even more exhaustion

Than before

No one tells you how hard

Staying alive becomes

How the want, to not wake up

Becomes stronger

Each day

Then hours

Then minutes

Then seconds

The will to continue

Dwindles to almost nothing

The will to take just one more breath

Becomes suffocating

The darkness will become darker

Than before

When you are drowning with no relief to come

No one tells you

#depressionkills #the tortured poets department

A relapse is the century

Calm and collected

One swipe

And another

and another

Watching the red droplets fall

Clean and smooth

Wrap it like nothing's happened

I'm over all of it

I will continue as nothing

I am nothing

This battle I'm fighting feels like it will win one day. I'm just waiting time. Filling air, a burden on life, on those I care about....

Ask about work, when something is gonna happen, but it gives me anxiety, lastime I worked I'd just tried to go....

Not everyone fully knows or understand....I'm doing what I can to survive another day today, to fill out and get what I need till I can even get by more than that.

I'm struggling in my mind and body, holding this wall up holding the compare together.

That I'm not vulnerable I don't need to just be held. But that vulnerability shows that mask breaks and people see through the exterior...

I know I'm always sadd,

I know people don't want to be around me,

I know why.

I'm not perfect I'm the definition of imperfect,

I worry to much

I care to much

I love to much

I'm scared though of all of it

I may hold on to what was for to Long,

Holding it all in

Because others are happy

I seek some attention where I'll never get it back.

Being ignored most the time being taught that what was,

Is no longer.

Unable to speak to anyone

Feeling of know one is listening

Realizing the screams are all in my head

I'm losing it and gone crazy

Know one understands

Everyone just wants everything to be fine

I know I'm sadd,

I know I don't say much,

I don't see any worth.

Another night another battle I deal alone the demons won't quiet on there own. I feel a spiral coming and it's gonna be bad. Fighting these battles with myself get harder, I should be proud to get through then but it's getting harder to not give into then. Why did I have to be available to the darkness to be swallowed up by it? Feels as thought the darkness is my only true friend. Each day getting closer to welcoming it with open arms but still fighting it. The pain is too much most days though.

Sitting here surrounded by the darkness, alone another night. Thought constantly swirling, anxiety rising, the shakes begin, urges trying to break through, teeth grinding, tears coming and going. Know one to actually talk to. Darkness my friend just drag me away already.... Please I'm begging you.

Just let me drowned in my sorrows and spiral out of control.

Great news for myself I get to discharge and go home Thursday 02/13/2020. Things will be rough still but at least I can be in my comfort and with my pupperz.

Trying to fight the voices

Leave me alone.

I don't want to do this anymore.

You don't control me.

I've got this.

Trust me I know what I'm doing.

NO! You don't care.

It would be better.

I just need to rest.

I know you're right.

I should just release.

No! Why am I'm feeling this way.

Fuck! Just give me a reason.

None of this makes any sense.

I know I'm alone!

I know they all lie to me!

I should just let it all end....

#depression #bpd problems #poetry #hiding behind a mask

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