helen.N

25 years old; A hopeless romantic. ILovePandas.

[pandal0ver]

Sometimes, I really don’t want to be here anymore. 

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t exist. 

I’m tired..... just so tired. I want to sleep and never wake up.

[pandal0ver]

2018.

I wonder what you will bring for me this year. I hope it’s more love and happiness than I’ve ever been able to feel... I would like to feel that more than what I always feel more of every year.. 

[pandal0ver]

Depression isn’t always at 3AM. Sometimes, it hits you at 3PM when you’re with friends, half way through a laugh and suddenly stop.

Unknown

[pandal0ver]

some days..

I just want to up and leave everything behind. 

I want to go somewhere with unfamiliar faces and get lost in the city and just find random things to do just to forget.

Either that...to forget about reality or just sleep forever.

sigh.

I don’t hate my life. I just don’t feel accomplished. I don’t feel happy when I have everything to be happy about. I have an amazing job, I have my family and loved ones still here but still.. I feel so empty. Why? Am I selfish? Am I ungrateful ? I don’t feel like I am. I appreciate each day of my life, but then why do I feel so empty and sad inside? I don’t understand myself at all....

[pandal0ver]

Here we are, again.

Just when I thought I saw the light, darkness takes over. I feel so low in life lately. I don’t understand still how to just simply, live. I try every day I truly do.. but I still feel so much sadness and there is just so much darkness around me. For the past few days on my drive home from work, I just break down. I hate this empty feeling inside of me. I just want it to go away. I want it to be filled with happiness. No matter what I do, no matter what I’ve accomplished, it just doesn’t last long enough for me to stay happy and be proud of myself. I still feel like a failure. I still feel so disappointed in myself and I don’t know why..

I truly hate seeing the things people put up and things they say like it’s just so easy to just feel that certain way. It’s not, let me tell you that now. You can tell me time and time again but it’s not that easy even if YOU feel it’s simple. No. Let me tell you now; IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

You don’t understand the pain. It just eats at you. It doesn’t go away. I’ve been fighting this for so long I have lost count. I went to therapy. It helped temporarily. I just don’t know how to simply live when so much goes on in my mind. I have so many thoughts that I feel one day it’s going to be the death of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate this feeling inside. I just want it gone.... please. Take it away. It hurts so much. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to care about the things that eat at me every fucking day. I just want to stop caring. I don’t know how to live anymore with these sad depressing thoughts in my head. please.... just stop....... sigh... all I ever want to do every day is sleep,

because sleep.. is the only escape I have from my mind.

[pandal0ver]

To Anon.

Wow, I didn’t realize I haven’t been on here in forever... 

I got this message I wanted to keep in my inbox instead but I wanted to share...

“One lives life to the fullest by doing their best everyday. Doing their best does not involve life changing decisions, taking big steps, or accomplishing goals every day. It can be as simple as doing the required tasks set for the day, enjoying the day even if uneventful, and spending it making memories with loved ones. Food for thought: the meaning of life VS the nature of life. Meaning is something ascribed. Nature is the objective reality.”

Thank you to whoever wrote this. Thanks for even giving me some kind of answer or a little more to help me understand. 

That is what I already have been doing, but I just feel at times it’s not enough. I still feel so empty inside at times. I just don’t feel any sort of purpose in life. It’s just all tiring to me. Im very good at keeping to myself and making sure that others around me feel happiness, but it doesn’t necessarily mean inside I’m always truly happy. I have my happy moments of course, but others, I just overthink and overanalyze.. those thoughts of “What am I doing?” “What is really going to happen?” I don't know, hard to explain. 

But truly though, thanks for the kind thoughts, Anon.

[pandal0ver]

Sometimes.. I just wonder.. what is the purpose of anything anyways.... Life makes no sense to me at times. On days that I have so many thoughts running through my mind, I just don’t get it really.. live life.. but how does one live their life to its fullest ? What is considered living your life to the fullest? 

[pandal0ver]

When certain things remind you of a moment in the past that really hurt you... it just brings back all the pain you had tried so hard to close off and pretend it didn’t hurt but you know that it hurt so bad.. sigh.. 

[pandal0ver]

When you start to wonder..

Is something wrong with me? Why can’t I ever have close girl friends... Why don’t I get the relationship that other girl friends have..? I have one close girl friend but she lives so far away.. we rarely talk because she’s busy with her new life with her boyfriend and sleeps extremely early so we don’t even talk much but even when she was here... we were still distant.. sigh.. nights like these I just feel so alone.. It just eats me away inside constantly wondering why I don’t have the kind of friendship other girls have with each other. I feel it’s just too late to start any because when I meet new friends they already have their little thing going on for years.. I can’t be part of that. I just feel like I’m interfering. I don’t know.. I do have great friends, but 90% of them are guys, and it’s just not the same.. especially when they have girlfriends. for me, I just don’t want to mess with it or cause any problems so I always try to limit everything.. it’s just a headache it hurts when I don’t want it to.. but it hurts worse feeling so alone.. not even a significant other I have anymore.. I don’t mind being on my own but nights like these I just wish I had a girl friend that would understand truly how I feel as a girl... sometimes guys don’t fully understand. I love my guy friends but girls have a different level of understanding that I see in other friendships that I wish so bad to have but... it’s been 25 years of my life in this world... when would I ever be lucky enough to run into a great friendship like that.. everyone already found theirs at super young ages.. it’s just so hard to grow that bond at this point in my life.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

A beautiful person sees the beauty in others.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[pandal0ver]

A Song.

Something so simple.. could bring back so many memories.. Oh how I miss you and our late night talks. Today is a day to remember the good memories of you.. listening to one of your favorite songs just brings back so many memories.. hope heaven is treating you well.. 

[pandal0ver]

I haven’t written on here in awhile.

Hello Tumblr! ^^; well, today was my last day at my tax internship. It was an amazing experience and I will always be grateful for it and the people I worked with. I had so much fun and enjoyed learning! I loved the culture of the place and will truly miss it all plus the people! You would assume in a firm everyone is serious and doesn’t talk to each other.. but on the tax team, everyone talked to each other.. not only that, they play hilarious pranks on each other! Always gave me a good laugh. putting airhorns under chairs so when they sit down it goes off to putting it in the back of the desks where the keyboards are so when you push it in it goes off. xP Another hilarious one was putting tons of paper clips on top of a desk covering the whole keyboard!! ahaha... 

All the fun “tax” times too were always so fun. We’d take an hour out of our day every Thursday to play team games! There were Charades, movie quotes, pictionary... and tons more. You can see how much fun work could be! It always went by fast for me because it was always fun regardless of how busy.. 

But now, I’m going to take a break to focus on my finals! and then finally graduate and get my bachelors in Accounting! :) I’m so excited to start this next step in my life.. It’s a bittersweet feeling.. As must as I hated studying or got so tired every day from no sleep the night before due to staying up late to study... I’m going to miss it. College was fun.. I’m sad to see that part of my life is almost over.. I mean I’m for sure going back for my masters! so hopefully it’ll be somewhat the same!! haha.. I’m ready though.. to finally live and be happier than I was.. Do things I’ve had on my bucket list forever.. I want to finally cross them off. I can’t wait!! 

[pandal0ver]

It’s one of those nights.

Wow, looking back. I can’t believe how much time has really passed.. It’s just so crazy how certain things can bring back old memories. I still can’t believe I’m 25 now. I still feel like I just turned 20 yesterday for some reason.. like for the past 5 years, nothing really has been different with me. I’ve been in the same spot for so long.. and I feel like I wasted so much damn time. To realize 5 years have already passed by.. I haven’t done anything I told myself I’d do. I wanted to do so many things in my young days that now, I just feel so old.. :/ This year, I really need to go and do things regardless. I can’t wait anymore. Some of us don’t even get a tomorrow and I’ve wasted so much time that I’ve been lucky enough to have.. I want to read all the books I’ve bought and received as gifts over the years.. I want to play all the piano songs I’ve printed sheet music for.. (probably over 50 songs) I want to get back into the violin.. get back into art.. I’ve just wasted so much time doing absolutely nothing but work and school that I forgot to do things that I once loved and still do.. it makes me so sad to look back and see all those times I’ve wasted.. Sigh.. I guess instead of continuing to be sad, I should start doing them..! 

A few weeks ago, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and went and saw a movie by myself that I’ve been really wanting to see but no one to see it with. I was scared, but honestly it gave me peace to push myself and just go. The feeling to know that it’s totally ok to do things without another person accompanying you. It’s ok to go to the theaters alone. It’s ok to go get dinner at a restaurant you’ve been meaning to try by yourself. It’s OK to do things just by yourself. Life is too beautiful to wait for someone to do things with. If they’re busy then so be it, or if you don’t have a loved one, then just go and do it alone. If I can do it, anyone can! I’ve waited too long for nothing to happen.. I’ve held off too many things because of not wanting to do it alone. 

It may have been one small thing I did, but it’s definitely a start. My next solo thing I want to do is travel to a place I absolutely know no one and never been, and just enjoy the new city for a few days. I think I can finally say that I’ve found peace.. I’m done pleasing others. I’m done trying to keep people in my life. If you want to go, then go. I don’t need anyone to be happy. I only need to do things that make me happy and I know that I will be fully happy. It’s taken me so so long to really feel this. I’ve always said it, but it never really..HIT me.. until now. I’m not 20 anymore. I got to get out there and do things that I want regardless. No more excuses, and no more waiting. World.. here I come. ^_^

[pandal0ver]

Lately, I’ve been feeling so down... to the point I don’t want to talk to anyone because I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s happiness.. I hate feeling so sad. sigh.... seeing how everyone is so happy.. and then there’s me. I know we choose to be a certain emotion, but even when I don’t think about it.. it always turns to sadness. I just feel like no one will ever understand the way I feel.......,

[pandal0ver]

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.. or the next week or month.. but I just hope that soon things will fall into place again..

[pandal0ver]

I still wonder... what happened.. how did we even get here......

[pandal0ver]

I think I’ve completely given up trying to be close to anyone... I’m tired of being sad because of people. Even if I have to do everything alone, that’s okay. At least I am able to check off my own bucket list..