Today is a rough day for me. I don’t talk about it a lot, but I lost my dad five years ago today to suicide.
We have all been to a dark place before. My dad struggled throughout his entire life with a lot of pent up anger, addiction, self-hatred, depression, mental illness, and self-pity. He was an incredibly intelligent and successful veterinarian, a loving father, and a great friend to many who would sacrifice everything he owned to see the people he cared about flourish in life. Unfortunately, that same love that his family and friends had always witnessed never translated into love for himself.
He chose to take his own life for many reasons, reasons that he kept private, all of which seemed to pile on top of him like Atlas’ struggle to hold the world upon his shoulders. It was his duty, he thought, as a father, to dedicate himself to being the best father he could be.
And he was--I have nothing but fond memories of my time as a kid with my dad, which could probably best be summarized as a nostalgic journey of personal growth, self-exploration, creativity, and love.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve felt this great void in my life and in my heart, which has been replaced by wishful thinking. Wishing he had been there for me when I graduated from college, when I got my first big gig, when I moved across the country, and wishing he would be here to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.
To the people who view suicide as cowardly or selfish--I have to respectfully disagree. My dad was one of the bravest and selfless people I have ever known. To recognize that you have a problem and need help takes an incredible amount of strength. Telling someone who is contemplating suicide that they are selfish does NOT inspire courage.
You matter. You have a purpose in life. You may not have discovered that purpose yet, and that’s okay. You matter to your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your cousins, your pets, your best friend from high school that you don’t speak to anymore, you matter to your first love, you matter to the person who’s picture you liked on Facebook, you matter to the stranger who was asking for directions, you matter to the cashier who laughed at your bad joke after a long shift. You matter to me.
Love one another, and more importantly, love yourself. Someone out there cares about you and your struggle and understands how it feels. At the very least, please know that I am here for you if you ever need someone to listen.
Growing up, my mom always used this quote, which quickly became my life motto years before suicide was ever a word in my vocabulary: “Never give up.”
Hug your loved ones closely and tell them you love them today.
xoxo Pandora
National Suicide Prevention Hotline (US): 1-800-273-8255
LGBTQ Suicide Hotline (the Trevor Lifeline): 1-866-488-7386
Teen Suicide (Thursday's Child National Youth Advocacy) Hotline: 1-800-USA-KIDS
