@paolarad - Tumblr Blog

i want to live.

i wrote everything that's been weighing on my mind.

for sunday, i need to go grocery shopping. i need to get the meal prep i made on my phone and stick to it. for lunch i must continue eating my freezer. it'll be rough but i weight 134.9 rn and hoping to get to 125. i'm gonna be hungry but i'll eat snacks at work and go on walks. i have a couple months, truly until the weather turns

i much prefer to get it all out here than notion. i really wanna like it but i can't figure it out. it's not as intuitive as i thought. bummer. breathe. remember you're alive. your words have consequences

i love you<3

constantly feel that im only working on myself to avoid change. does that make sense? like keeping my apt relativly cleaned is just to avoid like paying bills. even tho i typically only avoid paying billd when im depressed.

the only behavior i would like to see changed and will work on is paying stuff when have money. If i have $ in my account, i prefer to receive the satisfaction of seeing a large $ than paying it. it's ass backwards and needs to stop. i also need to input my finances more frequently. i have made a lot of progress tracking an for that i am happy but i need to track and react as things get out of hand.

i would like to have credit card i earn points on. that's the move. and a 401k but i need to breathe. okay, not sure where to go from here.

my situation with ykw is improving i think. it's hard for me to put everything into perspective. i constantly take every "slight?" personal and believe i have to change myself to get him to like me but i think being myself is fine??? lmao good bc that was exhausting. im still getting used to it and still have to remind myself that people aren't as hot and cold as i am. and when you like someone, you overlook flaws lol my nerves have been and i feel my personality coming out. overall. positive. i must continue the momentum.

i want to go back and read everything again and feel those feelings but i truly think i maybe recovered from that? like not the overall issue but that specific occurance. except for that motel off Stark. i still think of it as the place my ex rented with his ex to fuck. anyone else, that's fine. but it's sleezy lowkey and might have been statutory??? anyways. i'm doing this to avoid my true problems at hand. mom cheated on dad and were going to get a divource but decided to try again. dad's at 6? weeks no smoking and have banned phones at the dinner table slach during family time. i want to get used to it, i wanna like it, i want to give it my all but realisticaly, i don't think it'll last. i also keep getting bad vibes from the whole situation but that must just be from my crime podcasts.

it’s happening again

I fucking hate this man lmao

this guy is so annoying. i know i feel it extra now bc he’s “above” me which ugh but im just having to remind myself im here to relax

at the same time!!! if someone asks where ur from, pls just say where you are from, not ur family.

also heres to me actually using this more often, it feels pretty weird using my phone so using my laptop at work is better

I am also future reference for future me when I read back on this when I decide to get sad, I am speaking into my phone so if anything doesn’t make sense bitch I’m drunk well no I’m tipsy I feel in my forehead which means I’m tipsy so if anything doesn’t make sense read the context clues you’ll get the message. In all capital letters basically, what I’m trying to say is that you’re toxic you need to work on it but not now yeah not now enjoy being 27 and have fun fuck other people have fun.

I’ve realize I am an incredibly toxic person. I read tweets and I watch TickTock‘s about like incredibly toxic behavior from men and it’s very much like they’re separate from their feelings or they lead people on and they’re manipulative and they love bomb specifically love them remember that Paola love bomb and it’s I relate to it I relate to it a lot and I know I shouldn’t because it’s a fucked up thing especially like when they describe the behavior of lake leading people on and throwing a lot of love of the love at them at first and then basically taking it back but that’s exactly who I am I get some incredibly interested and then take it back and it’s it’s not fair and I know that I think that also helps me see men’s behavior from a certain point of you like when it comes to my friends so when someone does some thing that mean I can kind of back them up and saying wow I’m like that I don’t choose to be like that and I do wish I honestly do wish I was different I wish I could love someone and value value their time and appreciate them for who they are but I just don’t like I I just see people as objects in my life as fucked up as I know like I really do I just see them as another puzzle piece and I feel like nothing matters I know that other people don’t see the world as I do in the iPad just forget everything I just if it if it’s not there does not exist I could easily forget stuff like I am as over Fernando as I can I mean I still think back on the good times that we had and like having them there but I don’t I don’t remember the feeling I just remember the thought and even then it’s still airy very very very sparse feeling I know I should like it but I just I don’t know I don’t think it’s some thing I’m gonna be ever able to explain to someone and that makes me sad because I and I I just don’t have the words to say what’s going on with me and I know that’s like a personal expert growing experience but I’m not there yet and I don’t think I ever will be. I really enjoy my alone time I’m happy is when I’m alone and I got to just be myself because I feel whenever I’m with someone I have to be someone else that’s not me and I I make up this image of myself that’s not me and then when I have to go back to it and be that person I I don’t know and then I create like blinks in my story and I have to go back and fill them in I make up more lies because I I know what I lie just to make things easier on myself. Like that really came out today when I was talking about three fun facts about myself two of those were fake one of them was a half truth and I feel bad about that I wanna be myself I don’t know who that is I don’t know.

I never thought it would be easy for me to love a person and I never thought I’d be able to enjoy someone’s company if I did with you and that’s no lie which I don’t think he would believe but it really isn’t you’re an amazing person and that’s what I feel sad about that I was I felt like I was wishing you away you will find someone that loves you for every single piece of you nuts and lakes the same restaurants in you and have the same interests you but it’s not me I know that you really are you really liked me I know that you did and that’s what makes me sad because I I wanted to like you a lot but I I didn’t like you the same way that you liked me

i’m drunk right now so that helps like numb me and be able to except what’s going on but tomorrow morning I’m gonna have to and I have to think about what I did about what about how my actions affect other people I’m gonna be able to move on from it honestly fairly quickly but that’s exactly the behavior that makes me feel bad about being with you the fact that ignore the biggest red flag and just be like not my problem but that’s on me not on you I love you very much as a person and I wish you nothing but the best but the best is not me so bye

I know I should feel bad but I don’t

lol was that suppose to hurt me or make me upset

don’t make me feel bad for living my life

uh oh i like somebody

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