wildflowers

paper girl

[papergirlria]

“If ever he comes back to you? Will you take him back?”

“No, I’m not some back up plan!” (Of course I will, I fcking will)

September 21, 2016

Dear Ericsson, 

God, I can't believe I'm going to write another letter. Well, I guess I'll start by saying — I'm making sure you'll never get to read this. 

Anyway, I can't believe we're already talking. I can't believe that after you've watched me crash and burn, I was able to forgive you. I was able to give in to your apologies. 

Funny, isn't it? How I can easily give in to you without any hesitation. To be honest, what I feel for you, it's still there. I still love you. I know that it isn't as strong like it used to be but — you left an imprint on me. 

I don't know why but when I see you and we smile at each other or give each other high fives, my heart melts at the sight of you. You did something to me, Mark. You made me believe that I could love again, didn't I tell you that? And here I am, the stupid me still waiting, waiting for you to tell me the same thing. 

You know, whenever they ask me if you’ll come back; will I accept you whole? I'd quickly tell them 'no'. I'd tell them that I'm not just someone who you can come back to. But you know what? In my mind, yes, I will. With my soul, yes, I will. In all of the shattered bits of my heart, yes, I will. I will still accept you whole, no matter what you did to me. 

Maybe someday, Mark. Maybe, it'll be you and me in the end. But I guess, I don't want to hope so much, it already hurt when you gave up on us — what more if there will never be an actual us.

[papergirlria]

“He’s already serious about her.”

June 2016

Dear Ericsson,

So, here I am, writing this for you. This time, I'm wondering if you'll get the chance to read this.

Anyway, I'll start by saying it's so unfair. You're so unfair. The world is so unfair. Seeing you happy with someone else while here I am sulking, thinking, if someone is still going to love me. You know, this wouldn't have hurt so much if you didn't tell me that you weren't ready for me — for us. Because, seeing you ready to love someone else unconditionally, pains me.

It makes me look like the fool who thought that readiness was a factor in love. Well now, I realized, it isn't, because if you really want to be with the person, if you really want someone to be with you, anything is possible. We could've been possible. And you know what sucks? You still make me feel things. You make my heart skip a bit but this time; it's not how it used to be. It skips because it aches — aches when I'm reminded of how you used to make me feel.

They say it's better to have loved than to not have loved at all but I say — it’s better to not have loved than to have loved at all.

Good bye, Ericsson

[papergirlria]

“What would you say to a crush?”, asked Will Darbyshire.

This is what I wrote;

February 25, 2016

Dear Ericsson,

Here I am, acknowledging you with your name. It’s not much of a secret to keep actually, since, I know - you won’t get the chance to ever read this.

I honestly don’t know where to start. All I can say is that I hate you. I absolutely hate you for making me like someone like you. Why? Well, you make me feel things. Things I haven’t felt for some time. One glimpse at you, my heart starts to skip a beat. When you laugh, my heart starts to somersault. And so on and so forth with all the other phrases such as butterflies in my stomach or my world spins when I see you.

But, but there’s one thing you absolutely do. When you look at me and just, genuinely I see you stare right at me and show off that all knowing smile; my heart just begins to jump out of my chest. You make me feel things, Mark. Things I never thought I’d ever feel after my heart has been crushed into a million pieces. You are what seem to make me believe in it again. Believe that maybe, I could give it a go - I could give it a go in love.

I said I hate you for it but honestly, I like it too. You make me feel alive. You make me feel human.

Who wouldn’t like that?

[papergirlria]

1: letters to ericsson, the one without a label

I made two letters for a guy named Ericsson back then. Although we we were never together, we shared this feeling for a short amount of time. But to me, that short amount of time, meant a lot to me. I loved him - I guess, up until now, there’s still a part of that love that remains. 

Perhaps, love for a person doesn’t go away that easily; on my part and perception probably. 

Well, these are the letters he now knows of, and I’m glad he does because it means we’re finally okay. I’m now okay.

P.S. Make that three letters*

[papergirlria]

an introduction;

Welcome to Ria’s blog of balderdash. It’s not much but I’m trying to make it better. 

Anyway, in this blog, you’ll be able to read a bunch of pieces I’ve longed to share to the world but didn’t know how to. I hope that as you read some of my works, you’ll be able to feel something. 

That’s every amateur writer’s dream (I think and guess).

Enjoy!

Much love,

Ria.