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Have you ever had a dream that was so palpable, that was so crucial to your goals and your aspirations that you would do absolutely anything to accomplish it?

Bed time rituals… I don’t really have one. It customary that some days become nightmare fuel for the things I can’t say out loud.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not saying that to convince myself either. I am at a better place emotionally, more aware of my shadow self. I understand the scars in my life want to be heard, truly heard. At first, I really wanted to vent and be more angry, more betrayed, more hurt by the past so I can muster up the energy to eventually fight the things that made me feel oppressed:

I should stop torturing my mind. If someone loves you enough to put you first, you wouldn’t have to fight other people in your dreams. You recognize yourself and breathe into it… breathe out… and decide it’s not worth it. Instead I will do what I want. I want to live my dreams, my real dreams, and love every moment of it, and not let the deterioration of my emotional patience be what gets in my way. I should be stacking at the source. I don’t feel comfortable or loved anymore? I have to accept secrets? You can keep them. I cannot hide from myself. I cannot lie to myself. I won’t put other people’s feelings before the person I love. I won’t do that to myself. Maybe in my dreams, I will act on the justice I think I need to feel better, but the reality is I am miserable that I feel like that at all when I just want to love and deal with healthy complicated feelings.

I cried again, but mostly just release my frustrations. My chest feels heavy and I might be closer to my threshold on how much longer I can mask myself through life. At the same time, I never felt the path in front of me so clear and ready to take my steps. I recorded in my first episode of a tv show. (Yes that gif was the dress I wore). I got to help with another chapter of WERD BEAT (@werdbeat on IG). I had gotten the proposal from the record label.

I just pulled my tarot cards to help reflect on my last 24 hours.

The Hermit // The Fool // The 5 of Swords

Seems like I want to be alone. Not like alone in the same sense as I was mentioning before, but rather alone in the sense I want to be peace from not searching anything and being in tune with the current feeling of inexperience and blind expectations. However it’s not going to be simple when powered by lack of resolve. The need to isolate is to bring focus to myself and my energy alone. It might lead to me having to build walls for a while and focus on the smaller aspects, the things that are more tangible to my center.

Got To Love Aries Season ♈️

It will be a total of six years since the last Aries of my life fucked my mind up. As a friend, I love him. As an ex, I also love the idea of suing for emotional damages. Maybe I’ll save that for a pettier opponent it seems. This time of the year is usually a chaotic time for me emotionally. My friends make me paranoid sometimes because when I say everyone is on some fuck shit, I mean everyone, including me, are affected by the energy of “on some fuck shit, bro…” I usually avoid making friends or social interactions that might be intense. Anyways, I’m done with people for now.

I don’t miss this feeling. I also understand balance is hard when you’re too comfortable in your own energy. The other side seems like a lost world. I try to distance myself and find refuge where I’m needed. 🫥🫶🏾 I send my love at a distance.

Follow the artist: @yuumeiart PSA; Tomorrow is April 15th. I miss my solitude and lack of attention from people. I miss the quietness of the world outside of work and music and watching anime. I appreciate the people who have came and introduced me to so much in the short amount of time and I already feel like I’ve grown significantly compared to the the beginning of the year. My mental health, my ability to feel like I’m in a safe space with my peers and coworkers, and my sanity and peace of self is more important than anything else. I’ll still be available sometimes and I will check in, but expect me to be on Snapchat for updates. I appreciate everyone who supported the #saam campaign and read my poem. The link to it as well as the song is available in my bio along with updates on new music and things of that nature. I just need rest and to reconnect to my roots as I build into my new future. Stay brilliant, everyone. 💙🖤 https://www.instagram.com/p/CcWbrXTMsHA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#saam

Hey… I was in a fashion show. ✨

It was surreal. Models and photographers that work with names bigger than I could imagine. It’s always surreal when you’re there. I don’t feel excited; I’m just afraid.

♈️ You don’t have time to be nervous, baby girl; you better start practicing your walk. 🩸👿

Ugh… don’t remind me. My new friend and now my modeling coach, she’s helping me embrace myself, my sexuality, my body… and yet, as much as I push, as much as a walk and slay through it in practice, I was still uneasy. I was also wearing slippers and my heals we a little too tight. I pushed anyways. I counted 8 times, I almost fell, only two or three other times I stumbled, but never when I was walking the runway. It was fun. I felt good. I didn’t get ogled or if I did 👁👁 I didn’t noticed. I was naked though. It felt stressful.

♈️ GURL YOU NEED TO MOVE 💨 FAST! DO YOU KNOW WHO ARE FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD!?🩸👿

11 outfits, 1 blanket. The blanket was designed by a fellow angelic creature, @AngelTheeArtist. The blanket was the one he bestowed me with a blanket. The design was everything and the comfortability was something else entirely better. I got to wear slippers for that one. I took full advantage to feel the walkway out. I needed to figure it out, because by the third walk through, I was going to be a lavender one piece bathing suit and high heels. Also I cut my leg right before trying to shave. It was going well.

♈️ How Are You Losing Your Shirts!? I Told You To Keep Your Clothes With Our Stuff! Are You Kidding Me!?🩸👿

I honestly was okay with the pressure. She was keeping me on my toes. Literally. It was the inability to stop trembling because I was getting overwhelmed. I wanted badly to just get a hug and be told I was doing okay. Everyone was very much complimenting me. I was embarrassed, surprised, but happy. I felt like I belonged in the colors and chaos, the clothes flying and falling. The chase for the next outfit, the venders gently enticing for more accessories and other things. My mentor was slaying it, though. She was just starting her period. I almost couldn’t tell. She had more energy than I did, and she still made look like cake walk. She’s been modeling since she was 13, I learned today. She really loves her craft and she really likes having close friends. She’s unapologetic and ready to fight for her friends. She teaches me a lot like “Men can be stalkers.” And “Make sure to trademark your hashtag so no one can claim it” and “*curses in Spanish*”.

Her favorite colors are black, gray and red. My goal now is to flex her favorite colors as many times as possible. I want a break from blues… I guess other artists have a blue period, but I will have a red one. Hehe… red period. 🩸 I am actually dedicated to the red season. I used to be afraid of reds because my mom made me feel anxious about it years ago. Tried to do a red bob and my mom said it made me look like a sex worker. I received so much harassment from men catcalling that I shut down completely and had a crying fit the moment I got in the car. I decided I just wasn’t meant for red. I would love to try to wear something red and black. I want my hair to look like it was dipped in blood.

I want you to see me as the one. A love worth killing for.

Here’s some chaos for you to enjoy.

So overwhelming situation aside, it really was fun. I, of course, need to take advantage of my music 🎶 career while I have down time. So tomorrow, song writing competition. 🥶 Let’s go!

#Spotify

He’s A Gemini Too. Is This Twinning?

I posted that prematurely, but it really is like that. My experience with dating has gotten more interesting by the days. I recently met a fellow creative who mirrors a lot of my personality. We have a lot of the same interests, even the same idiosyncrasies. Our music and taste is both vast and similar. We tend to be romantic in the way we address each other. He and I tend to be easily distracted or hyper focused. We cheer each on to tackle tasks. We have the same favorite color. We delve into introspection oh so casually. The best part is, he and complement each other artistically. The idealist with hydra ideas and the manifest agent with hydra talents.

I been listening to less Pop Smoke and opening up to walls of sound again. I been listening to more math rock, melodic metal, prog rock, whatever djents my soul. I guess I understand the fear factor of loss… how close the needle it is to not treat it like just a game. I still listen to DaBaby. It’s breaking my heart every day. I’m not a fan of social media and scandals. Real or not. I just want to understand the artist. And now I feel like I’m being pretentious. I just can’t associate anymore.

Sometimes I’m just attached to fragments of people these days. I’m just trying to be my best face forward and not be aggressive as the days come. But I’m torn between a rock and a hard punch.

Maybe I’m not allowed to feel anger. I’m definitely moving through the emotions.

#Spotify

He Saw The Color Of My Skin, And He Still Let Me In

Exploring intimacy so far has been interesting. I can flow effortlessly into relationships with a new guy and not feel that FOMO or anxiety if I don’t hear from them after a day, but I actively go out of my way to try to talk almost every day. Conversations are actually enjoyable. There’s a love language that’s missing, but honestly it’s simply saying “I love you” because we don’t feel anything deeper than the benefits of each other’s company.

My heart is closed into a box, but I’m not sad about it. I’m preserving it and simply living in the flow of existence. I want to continue to experience pleasure and euphoria that comes from letting go.

The mania of false realities interlocking can cause real insanity. I don’t love the mania. I don’t like how it pushes these outbursts that want to be addressed in real time. I don’t have the energy to deal with the ParaDox… I just want it to stop.

I Want A Different Boyfriend For Each One Of My Moods

I quoted myself on Facebook but I didn’t officially say it in writing. I’ve said this several times out loud, but I don’t think people understood my boundaries. Do you know how in the last couple of posts, I’ve been upset about being in an open relationship and not wanting to deal with that version of polyamory because it’s not for me? Well I found a meme that actually breaks it down pretty well:

Jokes aside, notice 3 things:

1) Open relationships is a form of poly dating.

2) Open relationships is a form of cheating.

3) Open relationships is a form of glorifying the “don’t ask, don’t tell” bullshit part of dating culture that is normalized.

I don’t fuck with open relationships. It blurs the lines between glorified cheating and dating around. Am I saying that I do any of those things as a poly person? Yes, when I’m in an open relationship. How do I feel about it? Like my moral barometer is being forced to a relationship that does not sit right with my ideal relationship. So what happens? I’ve become emotionally detached to everyone I am involved with until I am not in that kind of explorative setting. When people try to ask me on the past about being in an open relationship, I warn them to don’t bother trying to convince me to be in a commitment with them. Just say you like my vibes and I will decide how to respond to that.

No I’m not saying I don’t care about anyone I’m dating, but I don’t feel that loyalty or exclusivity I would for my partner because they don’t give me that. Not all of them are willing to go past talking or flirting. And I don’t mind, but it gets a little lonely. It doesn’t feel real to me, it just makes me feel like I’m playing the field.

But am I saying that it’s bad?

No.

Like I mentioned before, I date as a poly person by giving them exactly what they want. I know what I want, which is simply to be at peace by myself. Anyone who tags along, I will treat them with exactly the energy they treat me with. And if they want to limit themselves, they just don’t see themselves as valuable and therefore I have nothing to offer that can change that. The only thing I can do is a debt and learn to appreciate what they have offered through their limitations. Right now, I am not bound to care or extend myself deeper than I need to, but I will dedicate more authentic and personal bonds with someone who desires that intimacy with me when that person comes to me.

But for now I’m tapping into my “Bully Bitch” energy and only being selfish. I was inspired by the song lyrics in the title of this blog post, and listening to more female trap artists like Kali and Enchanting. I realized the concept fake it till you make it is a very huge theme that I have to embrace right now. I don’t hate him, I don’t hate that things are the way they are, I was a little disappointed for expecting more when I didn’t expect much from the beginning. But if I have to embrace this new dynamic, I’m going to abuse the shit out of it. I will be very transparent where transparency is important. I will enjoy intimacy as it comes. And I will definitely make my money and focus on my grind more than anything. But I’m not giving any more handouts.

Except this one. The song is called “Gucci, Prada, Balenciaga” by Hailey Knox. Ching Ching Ching go the Money Tree and the Capricorn Demoness wants you to pay what you owe.

I’m fragmented for a while before I accepted really that no matter what, there’s a crack in this cycle that can never be healed. So I won’t try to fix it anymore. I let go of that. It is truly what it is. The only thing I’m coming back to is a dead fish. I can choose at this point to try to drop a new fish into the tank, but that doesn’t guarantee its survival if the crack in the tank can’t be fixed. I will not resort to insanity. I rather choose peace, just take my fish and let it flow into the ocean and watch it grow and fight to survive in this free world. I won’t keep pondering about the trauma of that night. I won’t keep obsessing over the friends I lost, the embarrassment of being forced to go back home, I can’t focus on those things anymore. I’m safe now, and my freedom is back. That’s all that’s important.

Let’s Turn On Our Happy Filter

I’m trying to post less by posting more. That was the paradox of the day. I figured that if I want to create the platform ironically I have to post more on the platform. But I can’t post on social media because that’s not the platform, it’s just where I announce my victories in greatest feats but not my process. It’s just for documentation, but where is the actual sharing an expression happening? I’m kind of tired of social media because I feel like I have to present only my best version of myself at all times and if I don’t put on the filter, I’m not as interesting or attractive to socialize with.

If I’m only looking to be celebrated at my best, then I’m not truly existing for the sake of me. Just for the gratification of life. I don’t want to be fighting through a sea of people giving me false praise for something they barely understand. I barely understand it myself, and I have no desire to try to explain my process to anyone but myself who’s going through it. It doesn’t mean I want people to glorify my journey either, but I understand that I want everyone to feel a level of empowerment through watching someone fight through their worst demons. And I feel like for some people this is therapeutic as it is for me to watch other people strive. Empowers me to do the same for myself and document that process for myself to look back and say damn, I’m glad I kept going.. I thought I was losing my personal battles then, but in reality I was finding my purpose again and I was angry that I wasn’t living it.

I’m just going through smaller and more intimate part of my day, taking more gentler approaches to the things that make me feel. I’m just appreciating being in tune with my emotions. Social anxiety and overall anxiety is still strong. Especially in the dating world and the networking world and just the world in general. I am hoping that over time, I can build a confidence even if it’s just a role in the grand scheme of life.

I don’t know what it means to be confident per se. I don’t know what it means to have a ego exactly, but I do know what it’s like to be reborn into something new and powerful. Especially after feeling nothing and empty. And sometimes it’s during that calm after a storm where you kind of almost missed the storm happening.. You realize you survived… and you felt your strength through it all.

#depressionawareness #anxiété #social anxiety #social media #paradoxisrafil #it’s just my like that it’s just me again #howlingsoul #flitteringheart #freedom #hoodratbeethoven #i’m just tired #barista #lovecure

This is not a blog post. I just wanted to point out that my period started a little early today, and honestly I feel like a lot of my recent mood swings is my PMDD acting up worse than usual. And I don’t want to say it’s related to the last post because usually I don’t have anxiety as a symptom, but a lot of mine erratic emotions do get amplified significantly for a few days. PMDD is usually a symptom that only exist if you also have a history of PTSD as well. Which I do. So naturally I feel like with recent and unfamiliar traumas, I am also dealing with equally unfamiliar emotions and head spaces That seem exacerbated up until this moment. I feel like because I am acknowledging my emotions, it’s less overwhelming than it is in my head. I just have been dealing with a lot of changes and unfamiliar routines that I have to quickly adjust to and I still feel out of place with my recent flow of life. I feel like I’m living a script and I don’t know how to claim my reality as mine. I need genuine advice. I feel like I need to purge from all this overwhelming amount of changes that I’m dealing with.

Why Am I Panicking?

The first day of school, when your mom leaves you to be with a bunch of strangers for the first time. You want to go back home. You have no idea where you are. Nothing tastes or feels or smells familiar. All these kids look weird and gross and loud. The teachers don’t look like they would understand you any better than your parents, and the mortifying thought settles in… you have been abandoned by your mother. She finally found a way to get rid of you. And you start to feel the fear overwhelm you until you cry out, hoping she will hear you and come back, but never does. She went to work. It’s over.

My mom told me when she left me to go to work, I shut down and cried the entire day. It was maybe day 2 or 3 I was really excited to have a new world to interact with. I got to color and watch TV and learn shapes and numbers and letters and eventually I learned English. And I learned my parents have been speaking French to me when I reached kindergarten. Everything else kinda turned into a quick decline as my thirst for knowledge was too quickly being sated and I wasn’t learning fast enough. Then from 3rd grade on, depression eventually became a theme of my life until… well it’s still a quiet sneaker. But to deal with social anxiety as well, or anxiety at all…

I feel like that right now. Like I’m currently overwhelmed like that first day of school, to the point it feels horrifying, like claws coming out of my chest. However I find it hard to move at the same time. Paralyzed by the fear? Or am I paralyzed by something else? I am just tired… I want it to stop feeling like this… I thought I’d be okay by now… but everything just feels wrong.

So A Dominatrix, A Songwriter, A Rigger, A Fan, A Human Wallet, And A Cat In A Tuxedo went to the same club…

What started to be a depressing window into my love life was quickly replaced by a small army of emotional support, a stream of helpless romantic, and a small little kink-friendly support system all engulfing me with adoration and inspiring motivation to carry forward. I didn’t think the power of connectedness was so strong… I also don’t know if anyone reads my blog at all. Seriously, you don’t have to keep it a secret to me, I just really want to know if my explicit expression does anything for anyone.

Musically? Yes. Romantically? I’m overbearing or I’m “too busy for love anyway” so I don’t know if it does the right things for anyone to want to deal with intimately right now. Emotionally? Everyone has asked if I’m okay, so yes. Mentally? I think no one ever wants to scratch the surface of social interaction, besides interaction of course… How about in sex and intimacy? Girl 🥴 lemme tell you…

First of all, go me for losing some weight and managing to keep it off up until now. I’m a little lit, a little bloated because it’s almost that time of month, but mostly happy to see how cute I feel with a little weight loss. I just need to be consistent somewhere with building healthier habits. My mind is always planning but not executing. I even I’m getting more serious with my shibari, and I even found a rope bunny who happens to be a fan of my music. Is it to add more twist to my fate, I also found myself connecting with an older woman on Reddit who is very familiar with shibari and other kink-friendly people and events. I’m hoping the three of us can transport to each other and create magic.

Secondly, kudos for surviving self quarantine with just a scratch, but I’m fine otherwise. I definitely trust less and I enjoy life for the bittersweet pleasantries, but it was actually an enjoying vacation from people and responsibilities for a brief moment. I hope that by next year, the world realigns to a healthier and safer time.

And thank you, strange but loving new friends. It’s hard to be alone at night, but your cheering helps. It gives me reason to wake up for another day. I’m sorry I’m hard on myself. But I’ll do better for you.

I don’t have energy for a title.

I deleted the last post.

I don’t hate him. I don’t love him less.

I felt bitter… I feel numb now.

I got cheated on. It is what it is.

Acceptance.

I cried. I cursed him out. I wanted revenge.

I wanted intimacy with someone else.

Now I’m just numb.

I accept that I’m sad now. I accept that I’m drained. I accept that I’m alone to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart and quietly glow the pieces together with more gold. It looks almost like gold marble at this point, how many times I let someone else drop it the way that they do. I am not mad about it or anything, just wish it never was dropped.

One day I’ll drop it in gold.

I’ll never let it fall again.

I’ll never break again. Not like that.

I’m too priceless to be shattered so easily.

Scared and scattered, but definitely not shattered.

I’ll be fine.

I accept that it is what it is.

I deserve to feel complete with myself.

I deserve to feel loved by myself.

I will be just fine.

Just fine.

Then maybe love outside of myself will find room to grow. It’s okay if it’s dead right now…. It’s winter; trees grow new leaves when it’s time. And I need to do the same, in due time. I’ll just let these old leaves fall, old memories die, old wounds heal…

In due time.

I can’t lie to myself. I still hate dating new people.

I never liked dating. I hate getting attached and feeling abandoned or that I pushed away afterwards. I mean, can’t be helped. I’m really scared to be hurt… I really don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with anyone new. I just need friends to encourage me. Let me know it’s okay to cry and miss someone… even if being around them is hard sometimes. I just feel like beating myself up for wanting to be distant, but feeling so clingy at the same time. I wish I can just quiet the noise of my chest for a little while. I just feel so raw and exposed again… 😔 This is torture…

It’s Gary in my perfect shot of that sign. I want to love people so bad. I want to feel that love in the empty spaces where my heart is aching and bleeding. I want to lash out at everything that’s not home right now. I want to drink the pain away in the espresso cup. I want to love even if make me sick to my stomach.

Have you ever truly seen an angel cry?

It’s worse than dying sometimes.

Loving feels so dead right now. I just want to hide in a hole until it’s safe to feel again.

My ability to be social is super limited as the wonderful virus takes away from work once more. I’m joining my brother in hiding as he unfortunately got sick at work 😷 after listening to the news today, the pressure to take care of my immune system is strong 💪🏾 and that also means cutting back on certain habits for a while. I enjoy my cannabis adventures but the spiritual journey to self care and self love is a struggle all the same. Patience is key to healthy love and boundaries within yourself. Thank you @bushmanspeak and @dawn_gillespie__ for your hospitality and letting me stay in Jersey City 🌃 so I can finish my work week. After that it’s back to @werdbeat business 😌 don’t know when we will do anything again or in person but we do want you guys to follow the page. I’m going to be doing a couple shows next year so stay tuned for the announcement 😎 https://www.instagram.com/p/CX03goCr9HWJp3je8sxFyQXENWoLO0pPujym2c0/?utm_medium=tumblr

My Ex And I Are Friends Again And I Ordered A Toy On Amazon

It’s been three months since I started my self discovery with toys. I apparently am very frustrated when I’m ovulating and I learned that it happens to women in their late 20s. I never learned that in health class. I was just told not to get fat, smoke, have sex or catch aids. So far, I still don’t have any diseases. I am turned off from intimacy currently. At least for now.

This is actually a view from one of my jobs. It’s a lot of my mirroring emotions in the moment… Distant, foggy, cold and gray… I feel empty these days; I just pretend that I’m not. Sometimes talking to new people helps. They aren’t part of the darkness. They aren’t part of that gray past. I don’t feel really loved anymore; I don’t feel any warmth, but I feel like there’s something brighter if I keep walking away from the fog. So I have been… just continuing to go to work. Continuing to aspire into my business ventures. I am emotionally distancing from my personal desires for shadow work. Hence why I bought myself a sex toy.

There’s actually a guy. A new guy. He’s very nice. He’s attractive. He is spiritually in tune with himself. He’s extremely romantic in his expression. He likes to be in control but doesn’t assert his authority without my consent. We respect each other. And most importantly, he respects my need for sexual independence. Something about this new person is making me consider opening myself up more emotionally. I’ve been transparent with him. He’s fine with everything. He doesn’t care that I’m not mutually exclusive. I do though… and I still don’t know who I want to do the deed with. 😌 Hence why… I bought myself… a sex toy.

I held my ex for the first time. It felt so warm and familiar. He smelled nice too, and I missed him in that moment. But it wasn’t sexual or anything like that. It was just safe. Something I haven’t felt in a while in a hug, not as so. I also know whenever I get vulnerable, I have no self control. I jump into anyone that’s willing to hold me. I can’t afford to entertain into my impulses. I don’t want to feel the whiplash of my actions. I’ll just go fuck myself instead. Let my body destress and not feel fear or loss of control. Keep the power to myself. Hence why… well you know.

You know what else has been helping? Microdosing. Yoga. Music… hobbies… and now dating. It’s hard to talk about the hard R when it comes up but it helps them understand my slow pace for intimacy and the need for mutual exclusivity. It helps just to be heard and doted on too 🥰 But it also helps to get rest and take care of my body. Hence… yeah. :)

I said I was gonna go on live, but I ended up rambling on Snapchat and I’m too tired to go on live. So here’s latte art I did 3 years ago. And photos/videos of myself I didn’t post on @werdbeat 😀 Did I forget the lyrics to my own song? This time because I got too excited about the fact that people were singing along to my song and it sounded AMAZING AF!!!! AWOOOOOOO…. #HowlingSoul #egodeathandawakening #meditation #rootchakra #imtired https://www.instagram.com/p/CXc_KleLk52F1NZsBJbWm5qmLZ5PiaYE7RxKSE0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#howlingsoul #egodeathandawakening #meditation #rootchakra #imtired

A Soft Reset To A Hard Truth

My 3 hour vacation from the world felt like a roller coaster of fear baiting. I feared happiness once because I didn’t want to be hurt to get it. Now I fear that I have plunged myself deeper into the rabbit hole by thinking that I feared loss…. I want to cry… because I fear that intimacy with loss all over again. It’s a pungent emotion; an emotion that isn’t familiar to you until you experienced it once. It’s that sore, twisted, wretched thing that makes you feel sick when it really hits you.

I want you, reader, to understand something. I love you. I love you for not making me feel lost in my void. Your presence validates me. I’m sorry to those who felt so emotional that they feel safer when I am lost. I’m sorry and I love you for putting up with my emotional tyrants and my kicking and screaming. I wish I was more elegant. I wish I didn’t express myself in a way that made me so primal. I understand what it means to be unique and it doesn’t come by choice; it comes the choice of celebrating your differences or erasing them from your expression. I just never like to have my expression smothered, not for my sake or anyone else’s.

So you have to hear my feelings for you now… I don’t want to be your entertainment anymore. I don’t want to be the object of your fantasies. I want to be appreciated and adored and loved just as I love you. I don’t want to be shared or seen as a distraction from something else. I don’t know how to feel when things are so empty. I don’t want the time we spend together to be empty either. But I embrace that love language is more than something romantic. It’s how we communicate complex emotions. It’s how we apologize… it’s how we confront our problems… it’s how we express our darker feelings… it’s as primal and intimate as anything else we feel deeply.

I’m going to fade into that darkness though… sometimes it’s that small prick that you need to wake from the nightmare and remember that the gentle sting of life’s intimate moments is where your heart needs to be in order to grieve properly.

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