Small business owner, large heart (center of mass)

"You are radiant like sunlight. You can read music. You are a magnificent writer who has thrilled millions. You did a fine job in the Navy. No one there is now ‘out to get you.' You are psychic. You do not masturbate. You do not know anger. Your patience in infinite. Snakes are not dangerous to you. There are no snakes in the bottom of your bed."

[bgm05]

[vinceaddams]

It's nice that loud noises don't stick to clothes like smells do. That would be really bad if they did.

[69shrimp]

why dont you make like a tree and feel the breeze and the sun and the changing of the seasons. and Grow

[godkissedme]

[carvedhopeonmywrist]

eternal ass june ive already reincarnated 10,000 lives this month

[cryptotheism]

You should get to pay extra to fuck around with the dentists mouth

[an-ruraiocht]

[officialfist]

El Muchacho Monday

[lex-artis-studios]

My cat Guaraha would do this. I'm like "sweetie just leave the kitchen!" and he'd just sit by my feet looking up at me with red, streaming eyes while I chopped up the onions. He was a dumb shit though so that was typical dumbassery for him.

[daciancatamite]

"you couldnt make seinfeld today" you couldve made seinfeld in 45 B.C.

[daciancatamite]

kramer: *barges in* *crowd cheering* jerry! caesar just made himself dictator perpetuo!

[sreegs]

(kramer and george at a party, standing and eating food)

kramer: see that? she platemogged you

george: platemogged? what does that mean?

kramer: look at her plate. expertly stacked, filled it with as much as she could put on there. and you... ? (gestures at george's plate)

george (despondent): ... she cant platemog me

[kaylmao]

work like a red onion

play like a white onion

fuck like a green onion

[precision-instrument]

[toxicmp3]

he had to ask the audience

[currentlycryingaboutlancelot]

[through tears] yeah i remain whimsical

[2colde]

they are poisoning us today with a thursday poison little do they know we’ve been through a few thursday poisonings so it won’t kill us just yet

[gondwana]

[catchymemes]

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Having electricity in my home is so great. Most of the humans that have ever lived didn't have this.