insufferable bastard

"And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy."

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“Yeah well, hyena’s are pretty cute.“ Rory reasoned, with a big, dopey grin across her face. “Mhm, I’m hoping we’ll even end up in the same old folks home, I’m already practicing to whoop your butt in wheelchair races.” She teased, shooting him a playful smirk. Though, in all seriousness, she did hope to God that Parker would be by her side right up until the end. Even though, in their current situation, it may have looked like quite the opposite, but Rory had grown quite dependant on Parker. On always having someone to come home to, and always, without fail, enjoy their company, even on the not so great days. "I wasn’t sure you remembered the things you said, and stuff.” She admitted, humbly bowing her head. Simply just to avoid looking Parker in the eye, it felt like no amount of times they talked about would make it any easier for her, but she was trying. “I just mean like, I don’t know what that stuff does to you. If it make you forget stuff like when you drink too much, or something, yknow?” She added. Actually vocalizing the things that she thought to herself was difficult, scary even. But seeing as Parker was coming clean, in a much more literal way, it only seemed fair to be open and honest with him. Even if it was something that made her the slightest bit uncomfortable. “We both know I’m going to say that you’re perfect exactly the way that you are.” Rory said with a playful roll of her eyes. Rory quickly straightened herself out, glaring toward Parker with a serious expression. “Parker, you can’t start working out and getting all jacked. You can’t be a super hot genius rockstar and have a six pack on top of it. It’s just not fair to the women in the world." 

 “When.” Rory corrected him, keeping a gentle tone. “It’s when you get through this week, not if.” Rory reached down and laced her fingers in with Parker’s, rubbing her thumb along his hand slowly. "I know, I know.“ She began. “I realized it as soon as the words left my mouth.” Rory laughed, shaking her head back and forth from side to side. Rory had always admired how carefree Parker managed to be, even on the few occasions that it backfired and wound up embarrassing her in one way or another. It was refreshing, and most of the time entertaining. It was funny, she thought, how the two of them couldn’t possibly be more different from eachother, yet they had been inseparable for most of their lives. “With pleasure.” Rory whispered, before she leaned in and pressed her lips softly against Parker’s, going right back in for another one just as soon as she’d pulled away from him. “Then you still don’t argue with her.” Rory quickly countered, barely keeping herself from laughing. “Because beer cake isn’t a thing, you’re the only person in the world who thinks that’s a real thing.”

[parker--vogel]

“You would,” Parker smirked. He chuckled tiredly when she talked about being in an old folks home together. It was sweet, he thought, that she was sure he’d end up living that long. Most days, he wasn’t so sure. But her optimism made him want to believe it. “Of course I remember,” Parker assured her, keep his voice small and soft. He knew the look on her face; he could always read her like that. No matter how good she was at hiding from everyone else, she could never hide from him. “I forget stuff sometimes. If I get high enough that I’m blacking out. Otherwise, it kind of just keeps me moving along as normal. Helps me to relax and makes everything soft and slow and nice,” He said with a sleepy half-smile. It was easy to romanticize his addiction, especially now when his body was practically screaming for a fix. It seemed a lot better than the sweaty, nauseous mess that he was in his bed. “I was never very good at doing things in moderation, huh?” Parker laughed. “Hedonism suits me, don’t you think?” He asked with a smirk. “Don’t answer that right now. Maybe in a week, yeah?” Parker joked. Though he wasn’t saying it, Parker was so glad that Rory was here. He couldn’t imagine doing this by himself anymore. He’d tried, futility, so many times now. And each time it worked for a little bit (once as little as a week). But now that Rory was here, that she proved she was going to stay here, it made him want to be better for her. To be the shred of a person that could deserve even half of her light. “Yeah, I know,” He chuckled, laying more comfortably on the mattress. The simple movement made him want to be sick again, but as long as he shut his eyes and focused on making himself not feel like he was spinning, he would be okay. He held on to Rory’s voice, more than glad to have something other than how awful this was and how his mind kept thinking back to how much easier it would be to just keep using. “You think I’m super hot?” Parker murmured, leaning up to kiss her shoulder. “Good to hear when I know I look like garbage threw up.”

“Glad one of us is optimistic,” Parker chuckled weakly. Her optimism made him want to see things better, to make him want things to be better for himself. He wanted to get better for her, to stop being something she needed to worry herself with. He thought maybe pushing her away would have done the same, but Parker too soon realized that he couldn’t be away from her. When she kissed him, Parker felt a rush of warm and so god-damn happy he almost wanted to kick himself for it. He knew what was happening, he knew he was one hundred percent in love with her, the only person who had ever stuck with him. He didn’t just love her like friends anymore. It was so much more. Maybe it had been for a while, maybe it sort of always was. But there was no denying it now. But now, coming down from heroin, it didn’t seem like the best time to verbalize it. “I’m not, there’s a whole fraternity that agrees with me,” He murmured before leaning in to kiss her again. “Maybe it’ll grow on you.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“Then I’ll keep telling you until you do believe it.” Rory countered, keeping a soft and gentle tone. “You know how much I like telling people how great they are, I can keep this up until we’re both in old age homes.” She added. And she meant it, Rory could go on and on, without talking to take a simple breath, talking about every wonderful and endearing thing she saw in Parker. It was endless, the things she could say about what an incredible person he was, and always had been. “You did?” A tiny, one-sided smile tugging on her lips.  “Thanks.” She whispered, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “That means a lot to me.” There was a small reassurance, even if she couldn’t entirely convince herself to believe it. It was hard to tell, what exactly had come from Parker, and what was just the drugs talking. Not just when it came to their romantic feelings, but she started to wonder about their entire friendship, to an extent. It wasn’t something she’d ever had to try and differentiate before. “Oh, I think you’d rock a crop top better than I would.” She laughed. “You just don’t strike me as a crop top kinda guy.” She added, before immediately pulling a stupid face and sighing. “Actually, I probably shouldn’t put that past you. I shouldn’t put anything past you, really.”

Having Parker agree to let Rory stick it out until the end with him, felt like a thousand pound weight being lifted off of her. It wasn’t going to be easy, and she knew that. But surely, it had to be easier than the last two times Parker got clean, and Rory was hundreds of miles away from him. It was the not knowing, not knowing if he was okay, of it there was anyone keeping an eye on him, that’s what killed her. “Thank you, bub.” She mumbled, before quickly leaning up and wrapping her arms gently around him. “I promise I won’t be overbearing, you just tell me when you need something, anything. And I’ll get it for you in a heartbeat, alright?”  She mumbled against his neck, keeping her arms around him for another moment, before pressing a small, light kiss to his cheek. “Besides, you should never argue with a lady anyways.” She began, shuffling back down to lie down next to him again. “We’re awfully stubborn.”

[parker--vogel]

“You’d do that about a hyena that’s just finished gnawing off your leg, though,” Parker argued with a smirk. “Not saying that I’m the hyena in that story, but—“ He trailed off as he chuckled to himself. “But if you’re insistent on sticking around until we’re both in an old folks home, I can’t say I’ve got any objection to that,” Parker countered. Though his insides felt like they were being burned by a slow, agonizing fire, it was nice to be able to laugh. “Yeah, of course I did,” He responded, his voice only living to be a quiet murmur. “I probably meant it even more than it seemed like it,” He added, just as quietly as before. Crazy, it seemed, how Parker could feel so much and worry so genuinely, about Rory knowing his intentions. Out of the ordinary, though it was, Parker knew, he’d always known, that Rory was different than the rest. He only ever wanted to look good in her eyes, and letting her down at cut him more deeply than he could’ve done himself. “You really think so?” Parker asked, looking at his bare chest and back at Rory. “You don’t think I’m a little too scrawny?” He continued. His replacing exercise with heroin had certainly thinned him out from the years of his undergrad. “Maybe I’ll get sober and start bulking up again. Who knows? World’s full of possibility if I can get through the fuckin’ worst week of my life.”

“No, you really shouldn’t,” Parker continued. “I lost my shame a long time ago,” He chuckled. If you take a guy with a little shame, shoot him up with something hard and fatally addicting, he’ll lose that shame pretty quickly. A negative correlation. Drug use goes up, morality goes down. By now, Parker’s was surely nonexistent. Which, he supposed, was why he was able to forego his pride and let Rory stay with him for the rest of the week. Through the nights he was surely about to spend throwing up every ounce of every thing in him, and watching him sweat and cry and shout in agony. This was the ultimate trust from Parker, his letting her into the very blackest parts of him, to see him unhinged and unable to do anything about it. “Just kiss me,” Parker requested. It was easier to push forward, Parker decided, when part of his reasoning for trying sobriety again was directly in front of him. Remembering everything she had done, everything she was doing, and everything she would continue to do, made it a lot easier to focus on something else besides how badly he wished his body would just shut down on him right there. “Please,” He added, fluttering his eyelashes. “Never?” Parker asked. “But what about when I think she’s wrong?” He questioned. “Like when she tries to argue that a beer cake isn’t a legit thing?” He asked as laughter rang in his smile. “Yeah,” He agreed. “We are. Probably too much for our own good."

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“You don’t need to, that’s the thing.” She said softly. “You’ve apologized plenty already. Honestly, there’s no need, okay?” Rory pleaded with him, offering a sweet smile his way. “I know it did.” She quickly interjected. Rory propped herself up, turning to look Parker in the eye. “I didn’t mean to imply that it didn’t. It just, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” She sighed. It was hard, trying to put into words how such a small thing, could change the way that she looked back on their first date. She was sure, that Parker’s lack of sobriety would be thing first thing that she associated it with. Before she remembered all of the sweet things that he said to her, all of the kisses, and laughs they shared. And she hated that “I would give you the shirt off my back.” She nodded. “I mean, I don’t know if it would fit all that great, but I’d still give it to you.” She said with a quiet chuckle.

“I know, and you will be.” Rory said softly. She rested her eyes from a moment, getting comfortable, with her had against Parker’s shoulder. “I’ve got all the faith in the world in you, bub.” She whispered. “Yeah, screw Boston.” Rory repeated, laughing quietly under her breath. “Hey, do you think you could do me a favor?” She began, peeing up at him with an innocent, sleepy smile. “Can you not give me a hard time about staying home for a couple of days to be here with you? I know you’re gonna be stubborn about it. But I want to be here, right up until you’re back on your feet. So just- don’t try to argue about it, okay?’ Please?”

[parker--vogel]

“You can say that all you want, doesn’t mean I have to believe it,” He argued. Parker wasn’t blind to all of this--he knew he wasn’t a very good guy. Not by any means. Not for a long time. But, he was trying to get back to it, to being someone people could actually be proud to know.  “I meant everything that I said and did that day,” Parker assured her. “I just need you to know that much,” He pleaded. This, Parker would argue, was the worst part of sobriety. Having to literally and figuratively cover his tracks. And some of those--on both ends, would never be able to get covered. “What?” Parker smirked. “You don’t think I could rock a crop top?” He asked, smoothing his hand over his scrawny tummy. 

“Doesn’t feel like it yet,” Parker sighed, shutting his eyes for a minute. Right now, he felt like his insides were a furnace and his outsides were a cage just outside of that furnace. Miserable wasn’t a good enough word for it. But Rory’s never-ending stream of optimism helped his brain insides stop hurting, and that was enough. It was always enough. He knew that Rory wouldn’t want to leave. He knew she’d want to stay right there and weather the storm out with him. As much as he loved and appreciated that, he couldn’t mask the guilt he felt over his making her put her life on pause again. For the umpteenth time. “I--” Parker began to argue, but just as quickly shut himself up. What was the point in it? And, he knew that at the end of the day, he really didn’t want to be alone. He also knew, though he was slow to admit it, that he was one hundred percent drowning in the realization that he was in love with Rory. And not in-friend-love like he used to say. Real love. Kick you in the head and spit on your neck in love with Aurora Queen. Like he’d never anticipated. He thought it would be scary--terrifying, actually. Which was what made him run from it when he thought he might’ve been in love with Maeve, or again with Emma. But loving Rory was easy. She made it so easy. But Parker still wouldn’t say it. Not now. Not when there were drugs still so fresh in his veins. “Alright. I won’t argue.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“No.” Rory protested, pulling the blanket right back up to cover her whole face, “I’ve just got naturally rosy cheeks.” She called out, keeping her head buried underneath the covers. “Stop apologizing.” She repeated, it felt like that was the only thing that she’d said to him since she’d got there. “It’s  just- I don’t know. It meant a lot to me, and it just feels like I was there alone now, does that make sense?” Even though there was a feeling of guilt that came along with her honestly, part of it felt right, being open and honest with Parker. At the very least, he deserved her honesty. He certainly had been with her in the past twenty four hours. “It’s dumb, and it’s selfish, I’m sorry. This isn’t about me, or my dumb feelings. Besides, we can have a second-first date, once you’re back on your feet, okay?”

It was reassuring, hearing Parker talk about sobriety as something more than just a nuisance, like he used to talk about it. “Good, you can be anyone you want to be. You’re already on your way.” She encouraged, absent-mindedly running her fingers through his short hair in a slow, comforting motion.  “Sure, yeah. We’ll go whenever you’re ready, bub. There’s no rush.” She smiled, though it faded just as quickly, thinking back to their nightmare trip to Boston. “It’s a date.” She nodded. If she was honest with herself, she could live another hundred years without stepping back into the state of Massachusetts. It brought up too many sour memories. But, she was willing to put her own feelings in the backseat, as she so often did, if it would help Parker feel better about it, even just a little bit. “Maybe we could just visit like, stay in a different part of Boston, if that’s alright.”

[parker--vogel]

“Sure you do,” Parker laughed, looking at the sheets as they covered Rory’s face. “I’ll stop apologizing when I stop needing to,” He argued, closing it with a sigh. “I know it did. It did to me too,” He murmured. “I know it doesn’t sound like it, but it did. I just--I didn’t want to look like this the whole time,” He explained, as if it would do him any justice. “I got as sober as I could tolerate,” Parker added, knowing it didn’t justify it, but maybe it just made him feel better. Sometimes that’s all it mattered. “It’s not, though,” Parker quietly interjected. “It’s not dumb,” He mumbled, looking at their hands. “I was the one being selfish. I’m still the selfish one. I think I’m always going to be. When it’s between us, at least,” He explained. “I mean, you’re willing to give your last shirt right off your back for everyone else. It’s about time I started pulling my weight, too,” Parker murmured. “Real flowers this time,” He chuckled.

“All I want to be right now is a guy who’s sober,” Parker sighed. “Figure out the rest of it after that,” He added. Parker knew that he’d likely never be able to get back to the days where he was a top student, halfway to his M.D., but this was as good as place as any to restart. “We can go wherever so long as we can get into the city,” He assured her. Parker just wanted to be a part of his family’s life again. He didn’t want to be the kid that they had to make up stories about anymore because they were too embarrassed to admit to people what had really been happening. Sure, sometimes his mother’s need to keep up appearances made him a little (completely) insane, but he still missed her. And his father, who hadn’t spoken to him since well before he left for Malibu. The only one who had talked to him at all was Jessica, and even she had fallen out with him after the incidents in Boston. He didn’t blame them for it anymore. He didn’t blame anyone except himself. “I never really cared for Boston, anyway. Fuck Harvard.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“Really.” She nodded, blushing the tiniest bit, before she shyly pulled the blanket up to cover her face for a second. “I might not.” She agreed, “Guess we’re going to have to wait and see.” She said with a smirk. Rory scrunched her face up and stubbornly shook her head. “See, I would. But then who’s going to clean it up when I puke it right back up?” She laughed, leaning her head against his shoulder. “The rest of it, though, I can totally agree to.”

“I want to, too.” Rory whispered, lacing her fingers in with Parker’s. The moment was short-lived, though. Listening to Parker openly admit that he’d been high on their date stung her deeper than she wanted to admit. Because it was selfish, and that was the last thing Rory ever wanted to be. At least not right now. “Yeah, maybe.” She mumbled, quickly trying to blink away the pesky tears she felt building up in her eyes. “She’s going to adore you, whether she remembers or not.” Rory carried on, “We’ll go see her, everyone, as soon as we can, okay?”

[parker--vogel]

“Are you--” Parker stopped himself as a boyish grin sprouted across his face. “Aurora Queen...are you blushing right now?” He asked with a chuckle. Being with Rory now made Parker wonder why he ever thought he should go it alone. He thought locking himself away, forcing himself to go it alone, would’ve been the best thing for him. But, slowly, he was finding that this, that she was the best thing he could have now. Not because she made his body ache less, but because she made it easier to not focus on it. “It’s fucked,” He interruped. He could see how affected she was by it. Parker knew Rory well enough to know each one of her facial expressions. But he couldn’t hide it from her, it wasn’t fair. “It’s fucked,” Parker mumbled. “And I’m sorry,” He averted his eyes from hers before sighing. If he was going to apologize, then damn it, he was going to do it right. So he looked up at her, and held their laced fingers to his chest. “I’m sorry that I did that to you. I don’t know how, or if it’s even possible, but I’m going to make it up to you. Soon. I promise,” Parker said as he kissed her hand.

“I just don’t want to be that guy anymore. I don’t want to be the guy who can’t get his ass out of bed because he’s too fucking high to do anything or too low to want to,” Parker sighed. “I also don’t want you to have to wonder if I’m sober or not every time I take you out,” He admitted. There was, of course, much more to it than that. Parker had realized, and rather recently, how close he came to letting the addiction kill him and its increasing frequency. Parker wasn’t stupid--he was an addict. A soon-to-be recovered one. But that part of it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t nice. It was sad. And it wasn’t the sort of thing he wanted to talk about, especially not when in the company of the only person in the world he knew cared about it. “Maybe a little bit after. I just--I really want this to stick. I gotta be on the wagon a while before I see them again, yeah?” He requested. “I’d like a chance to re-do Boston, too. If you would be okay with that?”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“No fighting.” Rory protested, subtly shaking her head from side to side.  “Even though I gotta admit-” She began, leaning into him a little bit. “Protective Parker is kinda hot.” She whispered, letting out a quiet laugh before she nestled right into him. “Well, you haven’t done anything to me that you need to be sorry for.” Rory pointed out. “Except the beer cake thing, which for the record, I’m still not over.” She teased, hoping to steer the conversation away from Parker’s addiction, and the backlashes that it brought into his life. Surely, wallowing in it wasn’t going to help him feel any better. “But I mean, other than that, I’m convinced that you’re an angel.”

Rory slid herself down, until she was on the same level as Parker. “You don’t need to worry about the you and me stuff right now.” She said, turning onto her side to face him. “We can deal with all of that when this part is over. Seriously, I’ll be right here whenever you decide that you’re ready. Or, even if you decide something else. Just, take it all one step at a time, alright?” Rory made a mental note to herself, not to let her hopes get too high. After all, the last time Parker sobered up he didn’t talk to her much at all, never mind whatever else they had going before all of this. The fear that it would happen, was of course still on her mind, but it was outweighed by her desire to watch Parker live a happy, healthy life, even if he didn’t want her to be a part of it again. “Parker, bub.” Rory began, taking is hand in hers.  “Don’t say that, she remembers you.” She insisted. The way that Parker broke down and finally admitted that he missed his family, or even talked about them at all, left an aching in Rory’s heart. Because she knew how heavily it had to have been weighing on him, for him to talk about it. “She does, and when you’re healthy again I bet your family will want you to come visit, and you’ll get to see her, and it will be so perfect that you won’t even remember any of this stuff.” She carried on, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s gonna get better from here, I promise.”

[parker--vogel]

“Oh--really?” He chuckled. “Even when I’m all sick and sweaty?” Parker asked, looking up at her with a half-lived smirk. “Well then, you better not see me when I’m all better. You might not be able to resist,” He played, giving her a wink. “I don’t understand how you could hate it so much. Maybe you just need to be really hungover to understand the beauty. New plan,” Parker gave her a half-smile. “When this is all over, me and you are getting a cab, going to the hotel bar, drinking on the resort’s dime like there’s no tomorrow,” He chuckled. “And then when you wake up the next morning, you try beer cake the way it’s meant to be consumed,” He concluded. “Trust me. Worth it.”

“But I do. I want to,” He murmured. Though the only thought that stayed active in his mind was how much pain he was in, Parker wanted to talk about what they were doing. If they were even doing anything. “You--” He breathed out a chuckle. “You’re so fucking important to me and I can’t just walk away from that. “And I dunno,” He winced a little as he readjusted himself on the bed. “Might be nice to actually be sober on a date,” He chuckled, even if he knew that the joke was in poor taste. “I haven’t seen her in years,” Parker sighed. “Half of her life, basically. It’s okay,” He waved it off. If he thought about it too long it would make him want to cry, and with his body in hyperdrive over all the drugs leaving his system, if he started crying he didn’t think he’d be able to stop. “I believe you,” Parker responded, because he wanted to. Because he needed to. “I believe you.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

A small small smile made it’s way to Rory’s lips, feeling Parker’s hands against her legs. Just being there with him, feeling close and connected after days of disconnect, it felt right. It felt like coming home. “I’m not that great.” She countered, shaking her head from side to side. “This is just in my job description as your best friend.” She teased him, letting out a quiet chuckle and giving him a light pat on the back. “Besides, I think that simply being here is the very least that I could do, with everything you’re going through.”

“You don’t need to be sorry for anything, I mean it.” Rory argued gently. One thing she couldn’t quite wrap her head around, was how hard Parker was still being on himself. Even when he was doing the right thing, for once. He still tried to drag himself down, and all she wanted to do, was make him realize what a great thing he was doing, even if it didn’t feel so great right now. “Hmm?” She hummed, turning her head to face him after he called her name. “Stop, you’re such a sweetheart.” She blushed. It was incredible, she thought, that even now, in Parker’s darkest hour, he still managed to make her feel as though her heart was melting inside of her. “I missed you too.” She sighed. “A lot, actually. I thought that you were mad at me for a while.”

[parker--vogel]

“You really are, though,” Parker argued gently. “I’ll fuckin’ fight anyone who says otherwise,” He chuckled, but it only sent a harsh pain into his chest. “But maybe in a couple days, yeah?” He added. “You’ve already done more than I could ask. More than I should’ve ever asked of you,” Parker murmured. “I’ve got a lot to be sorry for. I’ve done a lot of really shit things,” He said with a sad, breath of a chuckle. “I really mean it, Ror,” Parker pressed. “I wouldn’t have made it this far in life without you,” He assured her. Really, Parker didn’t want to know where his life would have ended up without Rory in the picture. Before or after he realized his romantic feelings toward her. “And besides,” He smirked. “You’re the only person I can stand to be around at any and all times of day.”

Parker moved to lay on his back, his head facing the blank ceiling above him. “I just needed to figure out what I was doing,” Parker admitted. “About you know, you and me. And me and the dope. I know how upset you get--you don’t have to say it,” He continued. “I just--I thought if we were really going to do this, then I wanted to do it.  And I wanted to be someone you could actually be proud of,” He murmured, averting his eyes from Rory. “And I miss my family. They won’t let me see my niece or my nephew,” Parker’s eyes stung with emotion he never let show. Never until now. “I doubt Jenna even remembers who I am anymore,” He mused, sighing heavily. “I just can’t believe I let it get this bad again. For the third time.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

“I don’t care if it was only five minutes, I’d still be proud of you.” Rory admitted, keeping her gentle, rhythmic pattern against his back. “You already did the most important part, when you decided you were going to get sober.” She explained. Although Rory still didn’t know what brought on the sudden life change on Parker’s end, she wasn’t about to question in. Whatever it was, it was helping her get her best friend back. The one that she remembered from long before the drugs ever came into the picture.

“Stop apologizing so much, you’re starting to sound like me.” She said with a quiet laugh. Rory settled into the bed, propping a pillow up behind her and making herself comfortable, entirely intending to ride this out until it was completely over with, if Parker would let her, that is. “I’m not leaving.” She said sternly. Leaving when things got rough wasn’t ever an option for Rory, not with anyone. But especially not with Parker, she had spent enough time wishing to be with him when he needed her, and she couldn’t imagine a single thing that could possibly tear her away from his side. “This is the only place in the world where I want to be right now. Trust me.”

[parker--vogel]

Parker sighed heavily, running his fingers against her warm skin. It was easier to focus on getting better when he was able to distracted. And to be around the only person who could always make him happy. “You’re so great,” He mumbled, half-turning to her with a short-lived smile. Parker knew that there weren’t many people--if there were any people--who would sit through this. Who would stay at all when they found out just what sort of person Parker was. But, he knew, Aurora Queen was not like most people. She was different in all the best sort of ways. The kinds of ways that made him want to believe what she said.

“Yeah, but I’m the one who actually needs to be saying it,” He chuckled something breathy. “Hey Rory--?” Parker began, picking himself up on weakened arms so he could get to her eye level. “You know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, right?” He asked, leaning in to steal a quick kiss from her. Parker knew he didn’t deserve to--he didn’t deserve to have Rory in any capacity after the complete shut-out he’d put her on over the past week. He’d just needed the time to figure out what he was doing and what he wanted and if he was really ready to walk away from dope for good (the answer was no until about twenty-four hours ago). Parker laid himself back down on Rory’s thighs and shut his eyes, his fingers subtly drumming against her knees. “I missed you. I didn’t mean to shut you out, you know. I’m working on it.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

Without a moment of hesitation, Rory crawled up into bed next to Parker, careful to move slowly and steadily, so as not to cause any sudden movement that might upset his stomach. She pulled the blanket up, making sure Parker’s entire body was covered up. “Of course.” She whispered, keeping one arm tucked under the covered, tracing small circles onto Parker’s back. With her other hand, she grabbed his phone off of the bedside table and did as he asked, but not before setting a couple of sappy, encouraging reminders to pop up on his phone over the next few days.

“I’m really proud of you, you know.” She added softly, keeping her hand moving in small curricular motions on his back. Rory leaned down, pressing a single kiss to Parker’s forehead. “Really, really proud.” She added softly. And she meant every bit of it. Even in this grim, dark state, Rory knew that once it passed, there wouldn’t be anymore worrying, wondering if he was even alive on nights that he didn’t always make it home before sunrise. And for that, she was endlessly proud, and thankful. “You should try to get some sleep, bub. I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.”

[parker--vogel]

Parker leaned up to gently kiss Rory’s knees, shutting his eyes and sighing. He knew that there wouldn’t be enough time in human existence for him to ever make it all up to her. For him to ever deserve to have her in his life at all, let alone to have her in his life like he did. Though he felt like his skin was on fire, he was grateful for the ghost feeling of Rory’s hand as it made circles in his back. “Not yet,” Parker said with a sad chuckle. “I haven’t even been sober twenty-four hours yet,” He admitted. “Nothing to be proud of. But I’m working on it,” He said, feeling himself start to smile a little. “Save it for then,” He requested.

“I can’t,” Parker admitted. He felt how exhausted his eyes were, but every inch of his body ached too badly for him to do anything other than wallow in it. That was the thing about heroin--it forced you to come back by putting you through absolute hell for days. The only thing that Parker wanted was the one thing that had gotten him here. Maybe not the only thing, he thought to himself and he curled himself into Rory. If existing didn’t hurt so bad right then, he would’ve been embarrassed about how badly he needed her. “I’m sorry,” He repeated. “You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to,” Parker added, realizing it wasn’t fair to ask her to stay here and watch him like this. “It’s okay. I’m going to be fine,” He murmured a little more for his own sake than for hers. “I’m going to be fine.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

As Rory settled in, it suddenly became clear, why Parker pushed her away at any cost the last two times. It was scary, and heart breaking, to see her best friend in such agony, all the while knowing there wasn’t a single thing in the world she could do to stop it. She could only be there, to love and support him until he got better, hopefully that wasn’t far off, she thought. Because this wasn’t a sight she thought that she could get used to. “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.” She whispered. Rory reached her arm out, and lightly pushed the couple of stray hairs off of Parker’s forehead. Even though she wasn’t ever with Parker during this stage before, she had spent more hours than she’d ever admit to anyone, reading any book or article she could find on addiction, withdrawals, anything that could help her understand what he was going through. And she knew exactly what this was. Which, despite everything, brought a glimpse of hope, knowing that, whatever his reasons, Parker was trying to get better. Finally. “Don’t be sorry, bub. Just tell me what you need, I’m here now, I can take care of you.”

[parker--vogel]

Parker sighed, shutting his eyes briefly. Though he was sweating, his body shivered like he was freezing. He was freezing, actually. This, surely, was the worst experience he’d had trying to get clean. He was sure of it. Parker took low, shallow breaths and hoped that the wave of nausea would pass. Even if he wanted to be sick, he wasn’t sure he could even haul himself out of the bed. “Come up here?” Parker asked gently, leaning behind him and pulling the blankets back.

There was one factor this time, however, that was different. He didn’t feel alone, like maybe this time his sobriety might actually mean something. Like someone actually gave a shit--and really meant it.  He believed her that she’d stay there with him. He knew her--he knew her better than he cared to know himself most of the time. Someone full of so much love that Parker couldn’t understand it. He waited for Rory to come by him before laying his head on her thighs. Gently, Parker hugged his arm around her knees and shut his eyes. “I need you to do me a favor,” He mumbled. “I need you to go in my phone and delete any names you don’t recognize,” Parker requested. All of the numbers of his dealers were still inside and he knew that if he kept them, he’d be tempted to reach out to them. “Block them, too,” He added as an afterthought. “Because I won’t do it.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

The tiniest, most hopeful smile appeared ac cross Rory’s face when Parker reluctantly agreed to let her come in. Though, it faded just as quickly. When the fear of what exactly she was about to walk into set in. Rory took a deep breath, preparing herself for whatever sort of state Parker would be on, on the other side. She quickly wiped the couple of tears that slipped out off of her cheeks, before she very, very slowly opened up the door. She walked in slowly, almost as if she would spook him off is she just ran in the way that she wanted to.

The room was dark, she couldn’t see much of anything. But as she stepped closer, and saw how pale, sickly, and sweaty he looked. As soon as she did, she hurried herself right over to his bedside. “What happened, Parker? Are you okay?” She asked him frantically, looking down with a sad, broken look. She hovered over him, reaching down and taking his hand in hers before she knelt down next to his bed. She managed to, just barely, keep herself from falling apart in front of him. “Tell me what you need, bub. I’m here.” She said softly, keeping her tight hold on his hand.

[parker--vogel]

Parker felt his stomach turn into nots as Rory turned to doorknob. This, the room she was about to walk herself in to, was Parker in his rock bottom. While he had tried to keep it hidden from her for so long, it was coming to the time when he couldn’t keep the facade up. Things weren’t okay, and they hadn’t been for a long time. And while Parker wouldn’t be able to see it for a while, things were going to get better. “I’m okay,” He lied, almost immediately shutting his eyes. As well as he could lie, his run-down body, inside and out gave him away. “I’m just sick.”

It hurt. That was the only way Parker could describe what was happening to him. It hurt and it hurt like hell. His brain only spat words of hatred at him, the very things that had gotten him to abuse it in the first place were present in his mind again. His chest ached with anxiety, his fear that trying to get sober might actually kill him. This time. Like he thought it might every other time. Though, his educated mind would argue with itself as he thought about how some people actually did try going through withdrawal. “Just--stay?” Parker pleaded. If he could only see himself, so weak and sad-looking, he might’ve kicked his own ass. But now, with his brain and his body actively fighting against what little discipline he had, he needed someone to remind him of why he did this in the first place. “I’m so sorry.”

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

Keep reading

[parker--vogel]

Hearing Rory’s apology from behind the door, Parker felt more guilty than he could possibly ever remember feeling. He was here, lied up in bed because the lack of heroin in his system made it impossible to get up. And she was outside apologizing to him. Even Parker couldn’t help but notice just how twisted that was. It was all his doing, too. Rory didn’t have to finish her sentence for Parker to actually realize what word she wanted to say. Dead. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead with a fucking needle in your arm. 

He couldn’t fight her off forever. Eventually, he’d have to leave the room and face her anyway. It just seemed like he could protect her from him better from here. “Okay,” He mumbled broken. Parker hated this, feeling like a pathetic shell of a person. Mostly, he hated himself for getting put back into this position. He didn’t want to be that guy anymore. He didn’t want his life to revolve around the drugs and getting his next fix. Maybe he’d never get his family’s trust back, maybe he’d never get to see his siblings’ kids anymore. Maybe he didn’t deserve to. But he couldn’t live like this anymore, surely. He wouldn’t live much longer if he did. “Just--come in,” Parker resigned.

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

[rory-q]

Over the past couple of days, Rory had taken note of the way Parker became a bit distant from her, after their date a couple weeks back. Which, she thought, she should have expected. It was one thing, if he didn’t want to carry on with, whatever it was they seemed to be heading toward for a minute there. But staying away from each other completely, seemed a bit much to her. She had brushed off the awkward exchanges over the past handful of days, assuming it was just an fallout from the date they went on. They both knew that it could’ve ended up like this – unreturned feelings from one of them, driving an awkward wedge into their friendship. But as it went on, and progressiely, even the awkward hallway exchanges disappeared, and days went without so much as a brief run-in with the person she shared an apartment with, Rory’s more paranoid side kicked in, and she started to worry that Parker’s absence was something deeper than what she originally thought it was. That in itself, the not knowing what was going on with Parker, was a far worse feeling than feeling rejected did, it was unbearable.

Knowing Parker’s past, and more importantly, that he’d fallen back into his old, destructive habits as of lately, only amplified her concerns. It didn’t take very long before she decided to check on him, even if he told her to get lost, she knew that hearing his voice, and knowing he was at least conscious, would bring her at least a little bit of comfort to her. That would be enough for Rory. Just knowing that Parker was there, even if he didn’t want a single thing to do with her, which quickly became the least of her worries.

Rory paced up and down the hallway, rather nervously, trying to gather any bit of courage she could muster up. She knew that this could go one of two ways, and the possibility of Parker not saying anything when she did knock on the door, that’s what brought her concerns up to a full-blown state of panic. With a deep, shaky breath Rory knocked lightly against his bedroom door. “Parker?” She asked softly, leaning her head against the door frame. “Are you awake?” She paused, listening for any answer, or even some movement on the other side of the door, which, at first, she didn’t hear. The silence brought a sick, gut-wrenching feeling to her stomach. So she knocked again, hoping and praying that he would say something, anything.

[parker--vogel]

Parker hadn’t been able to leave his bed in over twenty-four hours. It felt like he was burning from the inside out, his own skin feeling like it was a cage. It seemed like no matter how many times that he had gone through this same painful process, it never got any easier for him. Parker had tried distracting himself with the music and movies that he loved, but the detox was rough on him. It had never been particularly easy. His stomach was empty, but even if he wanted to eat, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. And he was almost too afraid to drink anything for fear of it coming right back up again.

Parker’s chest wrung with anxiety--fear that he might never beat it. That he was destined to live this half-life. That the feeling of withdrawal would never end. He wanted to cry, he wanted to shout and break things, but his muscles ached too intensely for him to do so much as move around too much. His body was lined in a thin sheen of sweat and he felt more helpless and more hopeless than he had in an awfully long time. Since the last time he’d tried at this in Malibu.

Hearing a knock at the door nearly made him shout. He wanted to tell her to piss off--it was better that way. He needed her to never see him like this. He’d done so well at hiding this so long. His eyes and their heavy, purple bags. His weak, pathetic frame that could not do much more than just lie there in agony. No, this was the side of addiction that Parker never wanted her, or anyone, to see. The dark hours. The ones that he was starting to think he would rather die than finish. “Don’t,” Parker pleaded, his voice a weak, pathetic sound that hardly lived past his lips. “Go,” He groaned, the rise in his volume sending a shooting pain practically down to his knees. Parker winced, shutting his eyes tightly and feeling the agonized tears that stung behind them.

[parker--vogel]

Have Faith In Me || Parky

Parker didn’t mean to pull away from Rory. Things had been going well, it seemed. Better than most every other relationship Parker had ever had--romantic or otherwise, for that matter. And he was happy. Deliriously, irritatingly, stupidly happy. But something help him back, the very something that ruined most everything for him. The thing that had nearly taken on more than one occasion. 

But still, in the time he spent alone, he found he couldn’t ignore the voice in the back of his head that whispered words of destruction. Parker knew that he didn’t deserve Rory--as a friend or as whatever else they were doing (He didn’t exactly know what it was, just that he’d felt more with Rory in the past few weeks than he had in the recent past). 

It wasn’t until a night over the past week, when Parker made his insides into a deadly cocktail of intoxicants and woke up in the waiting room of a hospital the main island with no recollection of how he got there, that he knew he couldn’t keep living like this. His inner arms, peppered with small bruises, were each a reminder of how many times he’d failed to do something he should’ve never started in the first place. 

Rehab had never helped. Maybe it was Parker’s attitude when he was there, or that fact that he never walked away from the people that had helped him get there. Maybe it was the fact that his parents had sent him to a glorified spa clinic for his intensive rehabilitation. For a while, Parker didn’t think sobriety was an option for him anymore. He’d already tossed so much of his life away--his family, his degree, his past girlfriends--the only thing that had ever really stayed in his life was the drugs. And Rory.

But, Parker wasn’t stupid. He knew that even golden-hearted people like Rory had a breaking point with him. When he was too high to remember a date or too dopesick and spent the whole of the night itching for a fix and only half-listening to what she had to say. If she were to leave him like this, surely it would kill him. Rory was the only person in his life that he ever wanted to keep around anyway. Her and his nieces and nephews. But his brother actively tried to keep the latter away from him. Because of the very same thing that would surely start diving a wedge between him and Rory once again.

So, when he made the decision that he never thought he’d O.D. before seeing, he didn’t say a word to Rory or to anyone. Instead, he just bought the essentials and took them into his room. He felt okay this time, he knew what he was getting into. He knew how awful the next week was going to be, how physically and emotionally draining it would be. But he needed to do it, if not for himself, the for Rory (and that was certainly more motivational). So, with a deep, nervous breath, Parker locked himself in his room and prepared for the last war with his addiction.

[parker--vogel]

A Little Sweet and Simple || Parky

[rory-q]

“We’ll crush it.” She corrected him, shooting him an (attempted) intimidating glare. “Let me plan the next one, I’ll think of something way cooler, you won’t even remember that you ever lived in Malibu by the end of it.” Rory vowed, leaning over and extending her pinky finger out. “Deal?” For a second, she tried to think about what she’d considered to be her best date. Nothing really stood out to her, except for this one.

“What? No way.” Rory protested, with a gentle shake of her head. “I told you before, you just like me more than most people do.” She insisted. “Which really doesn’t make much sense, because I definitely try to annoy you the most.” She laughed. “Yeah, so am I.” Rory agreed. She straightened herself up in her seat when she seen the waitress approaching with their meals. After they both quickly thanked the waitress, Rory waited a minute, giving her food a chance to cool down before she tried it. “It’s really good, you wanna try mine?”

[parker--vogel]

“Absolutely,” Parker agreed with an eager smile. “Yeah?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow at her. “I’m looking forward to it,” Parker smirked. He was certainly excited to see what ideas Rory would have. It might even help him plan something for them in the future. So, without contest, he reached his pinky around hers and nodded. “Deal.”

“Yeah, way,” Parker countered. “One day, you’re just going to have to believe me, I mean,” He shrugged. “I don’t know how else I can convince you,” Parker added. “You never annoy me,” He quietly interrupted, his eyebrows furrowing. “Except maybe when you try to wake me up before noon but hey--I don’t really blame you for that,” He joked. Once their food was placed in front of them, he began to dig in. “For sure,” Parker nodded. “D’you want to try some of this?”

[parker--vogel]

A Little Sweet and Simple || Parky

[rory-q]

There was a small comfort in hearing that Parker’s Malibu life wasn’t one of darkness and complete isolation, the one she feared he had. The communication between the two of them at that time was, well, nonexistent most days. Which always had Rory assuming the worst, as she so often did. “That sounds really nice.” She said with a soft smile. A faint feeling of sadness, or maybe even jealousy washed over her like a wave. In hind sight, she thought that having asked about Parker’s previous dating life wasn’t her brightest idea. Especially when she was so insanely into him that even a brief thought of him with anyone else twisted her stomach into knots.

“Oh god, that’s so cheesy.” Rory laughed, shaking her head. She blushed the tiniest bit, brushing a strand of hair back behind her ear. “No, of course not. I’m way too tired be looking after a sick little cat all night. As it turns out, parasailing takes a lot out of a person.” Rory quickly slid the menu across the table to Parker. “Hide it, hide it.” She insisted, just barely holding back her laughter. “We can’t have that, I already got all jazzed up about having both of ‘em, it’s too late to go back”

[parker--vogel]

“We’ll top it,” Parker promised her with a playful wink. Talking about his history of short-lived affairs with women whose names he hardly remembered seemed strange now. Even before they had started seeing each other like this, Parker never wanted to give the real details about his dating life. Now, he was sure, it was because he didn’t care about them anymore when Rory was in the picture. He felt like he could actually stand still for a minute with her, and--what was most surprising--he could enjoy it.

“I mean it, though,” Parker said, grinning back at her as his shoulders gently rose. “And I’m sure everyone else who’s ever met you would say the same exact thing,” He assured her. “Maybe in a little different context though, yeah?” Parker asked, giving her a smirk. “Yeah, no I feel that one hundred percent,” He nodded. “Shit, sorry,” Parker mumbled as he fumbled with the menu, tucking back it on his side. “As you wish, Queen,” He said, bowing his head. Parker spotted their food on its way from the corner of his eye and he let out an excited groan. “Thank God, I’m starving.”

[parker--vogel]

A Little Sweet and Simple || Parky

[rory-q]

“Right, for science.” Rory nodded in agreement. “You do know that you need to tell me about the best one now. I need to hear about the crazy lady who did something more fun than parasailing.” She carried on, leaning forward onto her elbows and propping her head up in her palms, patiently waiting for whatever adventurous story was about to follow.

“A human flower? Most people usually go with human cupcake. I think I like flower better, though.” Rory said with a sweet smile, before she reached over and grabbed the menu from Parker. “Let me see.” She began, skimming through the menu, for what, she wasn’t even sure. “Maybe just some meat, something that doesn’t have bones. I can cut it up all small for him when we get home. He’ll love it.”

[parker--vogel]

“You know how much I like that stuff,” Parker smirked. It felt a little strange to describe his best date, because he wasn’t sure that any singular date had been his best one. “It wasn’t more fun that parasailing--not at all, actually,” He chuckled. “It was back when I was living in Malibu. I knew this girl,” Parker began, conveniently leaving out that this story took place inside of the rehab facility. “We snuck out to meet each other late-night and I dunno. We just kinda talked about everything,” He shrugged.

“Flower. Cupcake. Sunshine. Anything that makes people remotely happy,” Parker said with a smile. “And I mean that for real. Not even trying to be cheesy or anything,” He assured her. “Sure, yeah. That’ll be good. Just don’t want him to get sick, right?” Parker asked. He was grateful that Rory knew more about cats and their keeping than he did. Steve Rogers wouldn’t survive more than a few days if he was left with just Parker to take care of him. But, he supposed, Rory was always a caretaker. Even when they were kids, she was the one to catch and keep the butterflies while Parker was destroying the sandcastles he spent an hour trying to build. “You better hide that menu before the waitress comes back and snatches it,” Parker warned, flashing her a crooked grin. “Then your treasure box will be down one menu,” He added before reaching over to playfully grab the menu from Rory. “And I can’t have that on my conscience.”