just send your heartbeat, i'll go

Hey there. I'm Parker Keyes, I'm seventeen, and I'm a senior living in Roseboro.

[parkerkeyes]

I Will Follow You Into the Dark ⇢ Jill & Parker

[jillian--dawson]

Closing the dishwasher, Jillian wiped her hands on her sweatpants and glanced around her kitchen for her phone. She’d been almost positive that she’d heard it vibrate but it was nowhere to be seen. Only when her younger brother came into the kitchen with an odd look and the missing phone did Jillian take pause. Normally she’d be upset that he looked at her phone but when Jillian read the message, she understood the caution in his eyes.

Why did he want to talk? What could he possibly have to say to her that he couldn’t say in passing across a hallway (that hopefully had lots of people around and quick exits at the ready)? Staring at the phone wouldn’t give her any answers but going outside didn’t seem like the best option either. She hadn’t even realized she was biting at her thumb until Quentin pulled her hand away from her mouth and told her to go but that she didn’t have to stay out there, that she could come inside and close the door and that’d be it. He had even offered to tell him to leave but she couldn’t ask him to do that. Jillian knew it’d never be as easy as closing a door. If it were she probably wouldn’t be in this situation.

However, the brunette nodded and stuffed her phone in the pouch of her hoodie and nervously tightened the loose, messy bun atop her head that held her damp hair from practice in place. She could do this. She’d done it before. She didn’t owe him anything. That was her mantra as she walked the hall to the front door and stepped outside, the sight of his car so familiar yet so incredibly foreign in her driveway. Sitting down on the front step, Jillian found herself waiting, making a silent power play. He’d have to come to her.

[parkerkeyes]

As the seconds turned to minutes, Parker realized just how antsy and stupid this whole thing was. How could he ever think she'd want to talk to him again after all the many times he'd screwed her over? Here he was, being selfish and doing the very thing he told himself that he wouldn't do. He said he'd leave her alone and he had already broken that mental promise to himself. When he got no text back, Parker finally decided that it was probably best that he left. He shouldn't have done any of this, knowing that her rejection was only going to break him further.

The boy let out a sad and frustrated sigh, though it was mostly because of himself. He couldn't blame anyone but himself for this. It was why he stepped on the brake and put the car in reverse, ready to go home for another rough night of no sleep and haunted thoughts. He took a pause, however, when he saw a figure step out of the Dawson house and sit on the porch steps. He felt winded the second he recognized who it was-- The face he had tried to etch out of his mind for months to no avail. It was her.

Parker placed the car back into park and stared at the girl in the hoodie who seemed to refuse to make eye contact with him through the windshield. Blinking away the bleariness from his eyes, he sat up, figuring that it was his turn to make a move. He let out a slow breath, unsure and hesitant, before he pushed his car door open and stepping out, wishing for the first time that his hoodie could tighten on him and make him disappear. Closing the door, Parker slowly made his way over to the petite female, slowly sitting next to her on the porch and for some reason unable to look at the face that made his heart skip a beat. "Hey..." He started lowly, surprised by the falter in his voice. He was extremely nervous. "I... uh... I didn't think you would answer." He shot lamely, suddenly hating himself for not having come equipped with what he wanted to say. There was a lot that Parker Keyes wanted to say to Jillian Dawson, but it was all lodged down his throat and refusing to come up.

"I just wanted... to talk to you." He knew he was beginning to sound dumber and dumber the more he spoke, and he wracked his mind desperately for something to say that would make sense and fix everything, but he knew nothing like that existed. "I miss you." He finally said, firmly, though his glance over to her wasn't nearly as confident. Parker was telling the truth. He did miss her. But that probably wasn't what would make the situation better. He spoke up again before she could in an attempt to further explain himself. "I just feel really lost. Everything is happening at the same time and I'm trying to sort through my thoughts but all my thoughts are you and I don't know how to make it stop I just... I dunno Jill." He looked down at his lap, biting his lower lip momentarily. "I mostly came here to apologize to you.. For everything that I've done to you, to us. I fucked up so bad. For pushing you away when Mama..." He choked up, no sound coming out. Parker couldn't speak anymore. All he expected at this point, what he wanted really, was for her to yell at him. Anything. He needed her to break him. Break them all the way. So that he could move on even if he didn't want to. He needed to for her.

[parkerkeyes]

I Will Follow You Into the Dark ⇢ Jill & Parker

He had no clue what he was doing anymore. Nothing had a sense of normalcy anymore. Everything felt... Foreign. Almost displaced. It was a feeling he hated and one he didn't have an ounce of an idea of how to get rid of it. No matter how much the blond smiled or joked or carried on with his day, he couldn't shake away the feeling. All he wanted was for it to be fixed. All he wanted was to be the old Parker again, but he didn't know how to do that.

He knew that it would start with somewhat clearing his conscience, but that was clogged with a billion of thoughts that disturbed him and made him feel displaced in the first place. He needed to sort through them and figure out what to do. That didn't explain why trying to sort through them resulted with him sitting in Jillian's driveway, fiddling with his phone. In all honesty, he wasn't sure how his drive from swim practice towards his house changed course, but here he was, staring down at a text on the bright screen of his phone. Before he could truly fathom what he was doing, he sent out the text to the girl who made his throat close up with emotions. 'Hey Jill, can we talk? I'm outside...'

What the hell was he doing?

[parkerkeyes]

{ Fix You → Self Para }

Setting → Keyes home Synopsis → The family moves back home after temporary leaving because of the death of Mama Keyes. Notes → N/A

It almost didn't feel right. But it was mostly weird. There was a sense of home and dread all mixed into one. It was weird.

Walking back into his home with his father, sister, and his brother made tears well into his eyes immediately, but he pushed them back. They hadn't been away long, but a flood of memories came back to the boy and overwhelmed him all at once, making him want to collapse from grief.

It was almost like his older brother could read him, because suddenly there was a hand holding his arm. Parker looked over to his brother and saw the sad look in his eyes, and wanted to give him a weak smile, a nod, anything really... But all he could do was stare at Pierce and let his eyes form the words nothing else could.

It had almost been nearly three months since the death of his mother from cancer, but recovering was hard. It was slow. They packed up and left for Raleigh, unable to stand the fresh memories that cut into their flesh, each and every one of the Keyes. It was supposed to have been a permanent stay and they were supposed to try and move on.

They couldn't stay away, though. They couldn't move on and forget Mama Keyes completely. They couldn't leave behind the life they'd built in a place that was home, no matter how painful it would be at first. It was a healing process-- Though Parker wasn't too sure that he was ready to participate, he knew he had to. It was the only way he'd - they all, in fact - would be able to get a grasp back on life after the crippling blow to the family sail.

Suddenly his father was speaking up, and he could hear the deflation to the man's voice. "Alright, guys. Let's start moving things back in. Rosie, how about you go do a little inspecting for me? Make sure everything looks in place, princess, and report it to me right away if something doesn't seem right."

He was sure seeing his sister have to go through this was one of the hardest parts. The fourteen year old had lost the primary woman figure in her life, and now she would never be the same. Parker often saw her sitting alone, a blank expression on her face or with a tear-stained face, eyes welling with more tears as soon as she realized she'd been caught. He could tell his blonde sister was trying to bounce back from the blow and move on, could tell she didn't want to feel the pain anymore. She tried to continue and be her bubbly self, but a little bit of the light in her sparkling blue eyes had faded and, just like the rest of them, she was a little worse for wear.

Parker would do anything to see the light in her eyes again. Anything. He needed to know that there was something in the world that was still happy. When his sister was like this, he didn't know that that could be possible. It was the reason he tried to pull himself together enough to be an anchor for her. Often times, she would end up in his room during the night, curling up into his side and asking him questions he never wanted to face. But he answered, each and every one of them, brushing away the tears that never failed to show up in her eyes. It was painful. But he just wanted her to be okay.

The blonde girl ducked her head and tried for a weak, sad smile, nodding ever so slightly before escaping from the pack. Pierce and Parker exchanged another look, looks being all they ever needed to communicate. They then looked at their father, who seemed to stand up straighter as he noticed eyes on him.

"Alright, boys. Moving truck. We'll bring in the heavy things first, and then we'll start bringing in the smaller boxes." His father gave a fleeting smile before walking out of the sad house without waiting for an answer.

Parker couldn't even describe the way the death had affected his father. Just even thinking about it made him want to break down for the man who helped to raise him. He could still remember the conversation he had with his father a couple of weeks ago that ended in tears for the both of them.

"I thought she'd made it. I thought she was going to get better but she just... She just kept getting worse. Until she hit worst..." Parker's face screwed up as he swallowed the numbing lump in his throat, blinking away the tears. "Dad. She was supposed to fight it away. Mama's supposed to still be here."

The look on his father's face almost made his efforts to not cry worthless. He'd seen pain before, but nothing like this. It looked as if, for a moment, the man's whole life had been snatched from him and that he was left with nothing but darkness and hurt. A world not worth living in. For that moment, Parker felt his dad's despair, but then it was gone a moment later, replaced with a resilient, but a lot more bearable, sadness.

"I know, son. I know. She fought long and hard. You've gotta believe that with all of your heart. She didn't want to leave us. But she knew that it was coming. She'd done her best to help us prepare for it." The pain in his father's voice was clear, but he sounded so sure. He sounded so sure. But it was hard for Parker to believe.

He was surprised when he felt wetness on his cheeks, slipping all the way to his jaw and dropping onto his shirt. He reached up to wipe at the sudden tears, but they weren't stopping.

"But... B-but. She didn't do anything to deserve this. S-she was a great person." He sniffled, hating the way his voice cracked and wavered uncontrollably. His father touched his shoulder, and when he looked to the older man's face, he saw tears welling up in his eyes.

"She was wonderful. Everyone knew it, Park. Everyone. Sometimes the world is cruel and takes what it wants without any mercy. You gotta know.. That she had a purpose in this life and has been serving it. Is still serving it even if she's not with us physically anymore." The tears had fell and it only made Parker's come down faster, his body shaking with grief. He wanted to believe it, he really did.

His father pointed to his own chest, where his heart was, wiping away tears with his free hand. "She's always with us, son. Always. In our hearts. She's gonna be here for us forever. You've gotta believe it, Parker. You gotta. No matter how hard it is right now. Your mama would never abandon her family..." The man's voice faded at the end, and they sat in silence for a while, only filled with the occasional sniffle or choked cry. Parker wasn't exactly sure when his bear frame was being held by the older man, but it gave him a comfort that he didn't know existed.

He and Pierce exchanged looks once more, but his brother finally broke the silent communication by speaking. "He'll be okay, y'know... We'll be okay." The words had slipped hesitantly, Parker could tell, knowing his brother was attempting to be comforting. Parker nodded his head once, pushing a hand through his blonde locks before putting an arm around his brother's shoulders and leading him out the door.

Sometimes he thought that him and Pierce were the same person. It was like they felt the same thing. Thought the same thing. Even though sometimes he acted like he wanted to punch the lights out of his brother (sometimes he really did want to do that), most of the time he enjoyed him. Pierce had to be the person he was closest to in the family. It was the reason he leaned so heavily on his brother after the death, and vice versa. They were both hurting a lot, having been mama's boys and loving her so much. It was hard. But it was a little easier when they leaned on each other for support.

That night, everything had been moved back into the home, and that night Parker laid in bed, just thinking. They were back home. He would have to face everyone again and act as if he were okay. He would receive looks of pity, looks that he didn't want to receive because that never made it easier.

He would have to see her again, and that made his stomach hurt worse that the thought of seeing anyone else again. Her beautiful brunette hair with amazing multi-colored irises, her beautiful facial structure, and her tempting lips... Just picturing her in his head made his heart race. Thinking of all the time he'd spent with her, everything that they'd done... He was broken, and he'd taken her down with him. Twice. Mama's death had done something to him that he couldn't have prepared for, and God, he just couldn't take it. He couldn't do that to her again. He couldn't keep hurting her. She needed someone else to heal her and make her a better person, rather than Parker Keyes, who felt weaker and weaker as time passed.

It made his heart hurt to think of her being with someone else-- He loved her so much and he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to keep his anchor all to himself and beg for her to come back into his arms. But he couldn't continue to be selfish. He loved her too much and would put his own selfish wants to the side just to see her happy. He would do what was best for her.

He would leave her alone. At least, he would try to. Make it easier on the both of them.  He couldn't bring her down anymore than he had already did, right?

Easier said than done.

Thoughts of his mother, Jill, school, swimming began to swarm in his head, giving him a headache and making him want to cry again. He was desperate for reprieve. Just as he thought he couldn't take it anymore, his door creaked open, light from the hallway spilling into his room before a slender body slipped inside and closed the door once inside.

It never failed. Parker automatically made room on his bed for the young curl and she curled up into his side, nuzzling her face into his chest and gripping his shirt tightly-- A frown found his face when he felt his shirt already becoming soaked with tears. Before he could question the obvious, her soft and fragile voice spoke up.

"I-I couldn't sleep... It's j-just really hard." Parker let out a soft sigh and kissed the top of her head, brushing away her tears. Another rip in his heart. He did his best to console his crying sister, fingers running through her hair as they both remained quiet.

After a while, he felt even breathing against his chest and for a moment hee'd thought his sister had finally succumbed to sleep, but then she spoke up. "Park?"

He stayed quiet for a moment, before answering her. "Yeah?"

"Do you think we should have come back home? Was this the right decision?"

It was a hard question, one he'd clearly been thinking about a lot. Parker thought and thought, trying to come up with an answer that was honest and sincere, before finally speaking up. "I think it was the right decision." He finally answered, closing his eyes. He truly did think that. He knew his sister was expecting more, but he couldn't offer up an explanation as to why he felt that way.

Although he expected urging on, it never came. Instead, light snoring followed a few minutes later and a soft sigh escaped his lips.

It still felt weird to be back in Roseboro.

[parkerkeyes]

Runaway - Self Para

Yes, he knew it was coming. Yes, all the months in advance had been preparing for it. Yet, how could he truly prepare for this?

How could his mother be getting ready to leave?

Parker's hopes had been shot. The doctors announced that they believed her not have much time yet and normally what they said had no impact on the boy because his mom's reaction was enough to keep him holding hope.

Except now they were saying their final goodbyes, her frail arms holding each of her children close and all he wanted to do was run away. He didn't want to believe that in less than twenty-four hours his mother wouldn't be around anymore.

He didn't want to believe that he wouldn't come home from school or practice to his mother doing something around the house, most likely cooking. He didn't want to believe that he wouldn't hear her laugh or soothing voice telling him comforting and wise words when his teenage mind just didn't know what to do. He didn't want to believe that Heaven wouldn't even remember her grandmother. That his own children wouldn't get to know their grandmother.

That Rosie wouldn't have the woman figure needed in her life.

He didn't want to believe that the amazing, sweet woman who changed lives wouldn't be around anymore. The thought hurt his heart more than anything else could. He felt wounded and broken. She was supposed to fight it off. It wasn't supposed to never come back.

She wasn't supposed to be preparing to leave their world.

He'd shut himself off to the world, not wanting to leave his mother's side. Wanting to hold her hand and keep her body warm. He didn't want her to grow cold. Dead people were cold.

He'd never felt so numb in his entire life.

[parkerkeyes]

Text

Jill: of course he did.

Jill: horrid? Someone remembers their SAT words.

Jill: I don't think you're ever fully dry babe. You're a fish.

Jill: plus, you're really cute all damp and stuff.

Jill: I may have adopted another cat btw

Parker: I've always wanted to use horrid. Don't even know if I used it right but here's to hoping.

Parker: Fish out of water hahaha. I like saying that. But I suppose that's true.

Parker: Oh am I? I'm glad you think so, Angel. You're really cute all of the time.

Parker: Did I just outcheese you? Have I finally done the impossible?

Parker: Babe, you adopted another cat? Tell me everything.

[parkerkeyes]

Text

Jill: omg are you okay?

Jill: I am so sorry for laughing but she /is/ Pierce's kid...

Parker: Yes, I'm fine. After the shock and anger wore off I was laughing with her.

Parker: Funny you should mention that. Out of all the people who could have heard me slipped, Pierce did. He walked in and joined in on the laughter. It was horrid.

Parker: That's my story of the day. I still haven't completely dried off.

[parkerkeyes]

Parker: I was giving Heaven a bath today.

Parker: And then she turned on the shower and I slip and fell on the other side.

Parker: as I'm getting soaked, she's laughing at me.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: I love surprising her.

Jill: I should try to sleep though and you should too

Jill: I love you.

Parker: Sounds good.

Parker: Night Angel, sweet dreams.

Parker: Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Parker: And I love you too so so much.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: gee fine. I will keep my magazine to myself. :p

Jill: I'm pretty excited for this actually.

Jill: Does Rosie know I am coming?

Parker: I say it with all the love in the world. Jsyk.

Parker: I am too. I get to spend the day with my girlfriend and niece. Rosie's okay too I guess. xD

Parker: She does not. I think it would be a pleasant surprise.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: me too.

Jill: may take a while.

Jill: I will bring it with me tomorrow.

Jill: did you need me to bring anything tomorrow? I can totally make a run before I come over.

Parker: I'm appalled by your lack of faith in my skills.

Parker: Ok love, I'm not /that/ interested. ;] But I mean if you must.

Parker: Nah, I don't think so... If you want to bring anything you can, but I don't think we need anything. Pierce will give us whatever we need for her.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: there's no need to thank me. we're a team.

Jill: don't stop. I wanna see if you can too.

Jill: Entertainment Weekly, Elle, IKEA catalog. And I love you for it.

Jill: I love her too.

Jill: And you.

Jill: boom. dropping cheese bombs like it's my job.

Parker: I really like the sound of that.

Parker: Ok ok I won't stop. Game on. I'm determined now, it has to happen. I won't rest until I do.

Parker: Hey, Entertainment Weekly is actually kind of interesting.

Parker: I love you too Angel. You're too good at this cheesiness thing. I think I'm gonna have to practice.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: that's not true but the amount of respect and love I have for her is off the charts. I'm just glad to be there you know?

Jill: bc just when you think you've bested me I swoop in and take the lead. it's our thing.

Jill: same with the whole staring at the screen thing wishing it was your face and flipping through the magazines that came today.

Jill: Give her a kiss for me.

Parker: Yeah, and I appreciate it too. So much. I don't think I can express how much. Thank you.

Parker: Apparently. Maybe I should just stop. But then I still want to see if I can outcheese you so I don't think that's possible.

Parker: Interesting magazines? I'm trying to feign interest about magazines just for you.

Parker: Of course. My mom said she loves you btw.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: I am too. All of the good thoughts for Mama Keyes.

Jill: It was cheesy but I'm not lactose intolerant. ;)

Jill: It's a win win, really.

Jill: so what are you doing? like right now.

Parker: She really appreciates you being around, y'know? Sometimes I think she likes you more than me. That's saying a lot. xD

Parker: Now that was the epitome of cheesy, Angel. Why did I expect any less?

Parker: Right now? I'm staring at my screen texting you back and thinking about how bad I want to see your face. When I'm not doing that? Laying in the bed with my mom in her room and watching TV. Gotta wait for my dad to get home, which will be in like ten minutes. Why? And what about you?

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Jill: that's great to hear. any good news is welcome right?

Jill: I miss you too.

Jill (unsent): like, so much. an obnoxious amount.

Jill: three of my favorite people in one area and no chance of Pierce for a few hours? Of course.

Jill: oh really?

Parker: Yes, exactly. I'm just gonna keep hoping and praying for my Mama.

Parker: I miss you more. That was cheesy but I'm not taking it back. ;]

Parker: I think you're liking the no chance of Pierce part better. Which, I don't blame you for.

Parker: Yes really. It'll be a surprise Angel. You know me and my surprises.

[parkerkeyes]

Text → Jillian

Parker: She's starting to do better but the doctor said not to get our hopes up for long.

Parker: Also hello beautiful. I miss you.

Parker: Pierce needs someone to babysit Heaven tomorrow for a few hours and I volunteered, so did Rosie. Join us maybe?

Parker: When he gets back, I want to take you somewhere. I mean, if you join us.

[parkerkeyes]

Text: Parker

Jill: of course

Parker: Okay. I'll be over soon, Angel.

[parkerkeyes]

Text: Parker

Jill: you've told me it's bad news. It's not like I'm going to be sleeping.

Jill: but sure, I'll wait.

Parker: Maybe I can come over there?