✾ bloom ✾

a mind with no ceiling

[parniarazi]

Harvest Full Moon // Reflections

Almost exactly a year since I last posted here, I felt drawn towards reflecting and doing my usual journaling here instead. As a tumblr native when I was a teen, writing in this way almost feels more intuitive and therapeutic sometimes. A lot has changed since this time last year, but it was fun to see where my mind was at back then. My sense of time honestly still feels skewed due to the pandemic— and the last 2 years have felt simultaneously long and short in terms of my time perception. I’m sure it doesn’t help that they’ve been my years filled with the most major life changes since 2016, when I first moved to Texas and started college. 

Now being nearly finished with my grad program, to growing through new chapters and depths with Pavel, to feeling like a real adult with my now full-time professional job— I have harnessed a great deal of mental and emotional maturity over the past year. I went from feeling incredibly burnout and unsure how to navigate some of these changes, to starting therapy, traveling again, and just taking time to rest and heal. 

I think I can often feel at odds with this for no reason, because I’ll often feel a desire to push myself and drive into my ambitious mode in full-force. I think the big takeaway from all of what I’ve discussed so far is simply to bring in patience, slow-down, and realize the things I’m cultivating are so much bigger. They’re big enough that I can’t build them up in a day or feel instant gratification. I have to be okay with the process and know that each day is taking me in the right direction, and it’s okay to be okay with where I’m at right now. I can always be thinking about what’s next, but I really want to release some of this energy and instead bring in a more mature patience that allows for daily presence and mindfulness. 

The universe has been affirming me so deeply and kindly in the past several weeks. From growing friendships and connections with others, offering me more abundance and protection, and giving me little nudges of love, I feel so grounded and validated in my path and what I’m doing. I believe in my divine path, it feels so aligned, and I trust that what’s coming is bigger and more beautiful than I could have imagined. 

With this Pieces full moon, I’m releasing the control my emotions can have on me. I accept that these feelings are temporary states, they don’t have to define who I am or how I act. I can express them without becoming them. 

As I flow through this delicious season I love, I can appreciate and enjoy pockets of joy and memories I’m creating while still keeping the big picture goals in the back of my mind. There is no rush, there’s just right now. I can slow down and feel more deeply into the practices and little things that bring me peace daily. This leads to answering few questions inspired by the energy of this full moon.

☽ Are there any insights, intuitions, and gut feelings I’m not listening to?  Yes, although I’ve been growing through some of my perfectionist tendencies lately, I still know it affects my day when I get wrapped up in my head and don’t get to hear my intuition as much. This is leading me to needing more meditation time, more time to listen to myself and really check-in with my top needs. I’ve definitely been skipping out on meditation (and sometimes even yoga), when I know these are practices that make me feel grounded and more tuned into my intuition and inner knowing. I release the blocks that are keeping me from doing these things so I can get the benefits of consistent practice. 

☽ What makes me feel connected to the spiritual? How can I being more of the spiritual into my daily life? I loved this because I immediately knew what this answer would look like: smoking my herbs mindfully with music, using incense and candles, taking showers or baths, practicing breathwork, and expressing gratitude. These are all things I know I can do easily on a regular basis, it’s just a matter of knowing what I need at a given time and coming through for myself without getting disrated by or relying on the energy of others. I release the blocks keeping me from aligning with the spiritual energy that inspires and uplifts me. 

LIBRA SEASON MANTRAS 

☽ Flow, don’t force— release expectations and control so authenticity can come through. 

☽ Feel into your unlimited potential— everything in alignment with your path is already on its way to you. 

☽ You are exactly where you’re meant to be and you have everything that you need.

☽ You are connected the universe— you can trust and surrender to it and yourself. 

[parniarazi]

realignment + growth

I haven’t wrote here or in general much lately, as school and worked have picked up and kept me busy, even with doing it all from home! Pandemic aside, the world is moving quickly and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Especially when big moments happen (like RBG passing), it can feel overwhelming and like nothing we can do matters. What helps me when I feel in over my head is just purging it all with a deep self-reflection that helps anchor me down to what I’m doing towards on a daily basis and how that’s working for me in the big picture. Going back through this blog, I briefly looked over what I wrote at the turn of the year, as 2020 was beginning. Even though things have felt very different and stagnant this year, I realized I’ve actually grown so much and come so far even in this short time!

A year ago right now, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life, as major shifts were happening in all areas of my life. I had breezed through most of my undergrad, always feeling like school came rather easily to me and academia was an area I wanted to pursue because of this. I didn’t know what to do after graduation, reconciling between wanting to find a “good paying” job with my degree/interests, and wanting to do something that aligns with what I’m passionate about and can bring me a deeper sense of fulfillment. Since I was doing well in school and professors encouraged me when I told them I wanted to go to grad school‚ I figured pursing my PhD and becoming a professor was the way to go. I idolized my professors and loved my campus, so it wasn’t hard to envision myself doing this...at least until I actually started my grad program in political science. Last fall, I was failing and withdrew from a class for the first time, was concerned about having to pay back my scholarship for the semester, and had no idea what I would do if I left my program. I was desperately searching for a way out because I knew I could not thrive (or even survive) in the environment of my grad department— it was revealing some ugly realities and turned out be the opposite of everything I wanted in a career!

Fortunately, being on campus, I was able to talk to other people and departments and eventually found my home in the Communications grad program. I had a cross-listed class, and the Comm students were friendly and inviting, so I began talking to them and found out more about their program. They still seemed to have a soul unlike my own peers— so that was already a good sign! I definitely wanted to keep my soul and work in a field that would respect and pay me for my work. Keep in mind, while all this school/career crisis of wondering what I should do with my life was happening, it was also my first few months being moved out my parents house and living with my boyfriend for the first time. I was missing my family constantly, and adjusting to my new home/life while struggling with horrible anxiety that weighed me down like bricks on my chest. 

It got to be too much sometimes— especially because on top of that, my income was tied to my school because I had just started as a graduate assistant in an office on campus. This was also my first real “job,” outside of what I considered to be my “fun college job” teaching swim lessons. Not only did school suck at this time for me, but I also hated this job and the people in my office. It worsened my anxiety, and I ended up going to the school clinic and getting a formal diagnosis (and medication) for anxiety for the first time in my life, even though I’ve dealt with it for as long as I can remember. This was a big step and turning point, because I refused to compromise my mental health and wellbeing for anything. A career that comes at such a cost is not for me— having balance and self-care are far too important to me. 

While all of this was happening, I kept pushing my political science advisors to help me and connected with the Communications department about getting into their program instead. I had to advocate for myself harder than ever and push other people to help me, but in the end it was worth it! I finished the semester with the 2 courses I kept, managed to keep getting paid even though my position required full-time enrollment, and I ended up getting accepted into the Comm program by transferring instead of having to wait until the next fall to reapply. With my anxiety, and just being a more a shy/introverted person who was so scared I’d hardly ever speak up in class, I had to find my voice, create my own boundaries, and talk to adults I felt really uncomfortable talking to at first. Big lesson: you have to advocate and speak up for yourself until people see and hear you! It is always worth it, regardless of if you get what you want or not.

I started off the spring in my new program and settled in so much better from the start! I also kept my campus job I hated, but was searching desperately for internships and opportunities to get some actual Comm experience under my belt, as I was entering a new field I had zero experience in. I applied for everything I could and I got a little side gig working as a part-time student organizer for an intersectional feminist non-profit based out of Austin. I was super stoked to just get to do something I’m passionate about and get paid for it, even it was small. Little did I know, this would lead me to big things! Even with the pandemic hitting in the spring, I managed to finish my courses with A’s, work from home with my campus job (no more depressing office vibes!), and apply for dozens of internships. I ended up getting two remote internships over the summer that paid me— one with the same non-profit I was working with as a Digital Intern and another similar position with a different non-profit. I was finally gaining some of the experience and skills I really needed to start a career in this field. Even though the non-profit route was not what I had in mind, I loved my internships and the teams I worked with, and it was so rewarding. 

It wasn’t easy working long hours from my laptop on my dining table, but it did have its own perks. No bras or dress pants or waking up early to get ready and drive in traffic— it’s a hell yes from your fave introvert! Another pandemic-inspired moment was finally getting a dog! Even through this seems irrelevant it actually was really in perfect alignment with what I wanted and timing. I’ve wanted a dog for as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved animals and with my anxiety it was something I hoped would help at least a little bit. My parents never wanted us to have a dog and I grew up with them telling me it was a huge responsibility so even after I moved out I hesitated and wanted to give myself time to adjust and make money before taking on that responsibility. This summer, I started pushing my boyfriend to look into fostering programs to help me adjust to having a dog at home, and we did but had no luck. One day, I saw a friend posting about a lost dog they found who needed a home. She was cute and I wanted to go see her just to scope it out, and of course the universe brought the most perfect little dog into my life at the most perfect time!

I was just finishing up my internship and had a few weeks of down time before the semester started, so it was the perfect time to adjust to having my new dog, Sage, around. Since then, we’ve bonded so much and I love just having another little creature around the house! She really does bring warmth and light into my life. She pushes me to get outside more even when I feel shitty, she makes me have a more consistent routine, and just helps alleviate my stress while connecting me with my inner child and inner caretaker at the same time. During the latter half of this quarantine, my boyfriend and I also had our share of struggles and fights we had to work through. Like anything worth having, it took effort to work through some rough patches, but at the end of the day I believe in the power of love and its ability to persevere and heal, even in the most difficult times. Not to mention, having our little Sage around even helped us through it! This taught me to trust that the right things will happen in the right timing, and the right people will make an effort to stick it out with you. 

I was incredible lucky and blessed that several things I was manifesting and working hard towards happened in perfect alignment. First, I got a scholarship from my grad school that allowed me go back full-time and only have to pay half of my tuition (big plus since I was paying this myself). Secondly, one of the ladies I had worked with during my Digital internship found another position and was leaving the non-profit I had worked with, and she recommended me for a part-time version of her position. They extended me this offer shortly before my semester started for school. I planned to keep my campus job, since it was staying remote too, and I wanted to stack up some savings after the COVID-life lessons I’d been learning. I knew it was going to be a challenge to maintain the personal/self-care balance I need in life with my now full-time class load and 2 part-time jobs. However, I felt so fortunate to have these opportunities while so many people across the country are struggling to keep normalcy going or even stay afloat during this time. Especially not being able to travel, go out much, or do other things, I figured what better time than now to just buckle down to work hard and make major moves towards what I want. 

The universe is blessing me with this alignment and opportunity right now— it’s giving me everything I worked for in this past year. Especially with my new job at the non-profit, the team is incredibly kind but also puts serious support behind their staff. They’re paying me pretty well, but also want to transition me to a full-time staff member at their Austin office after I graduate! They’re mentoring me and teaching me so much, plus I’m getting to know a network of professionals who work in organizing, advocacy, and other important work that directly helps people! Like I literally could not have asked for anything better and more me! Life lesson: It’s worth struggling for a bit and diving into the unknown as long as you feel like it’s the right thing to do for you. 

My parents had wanted me to stay in the PhD program. I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t going to work for me though, so I split the second I could. I trusted myself, advocated for myself, and worked through the scary uncertainties about if I would ever find a job I liked and that paid me well. I knew changing career paths would give me a chance to open myself up to new things that align better with who I am and what I desire in life and work. Here I am a year later, and I wouldn’t have gotten any of these amazing opportunities if I hadn’t trusted myself and worked hard to forge my path. Although this year turned out to be nothing like what any of us had planned, I’m so privileged and lucky that it turned out to be a year of incredible milestones and growth for me nonetheless! 

Today, with this new moon energy and the powerful seasonal shift of fall on the verge of unfolding, I felt the need to make these reflections as a reminder to myself that hard work pays off. Doing what’s right pays off. Doing work that matters really fucking pays off. Fall is a special season that allows us to harvest the seeds we’ve sown all year. It’s cheesy, but I’m a sucker for being in tune with nature and the seasons, trusting each season will bring its own negatives and positives that foster growth or death in the right places, restoring a greater balance in the ways that we need. 

With each season, I am growing into a stronger, wiser, more beautiful version of myself. I am deeply grateful for everything, both the good and bad in my life, because every detail is a puzzle piece that allows for the big picture of my path and place in the world to unfold. I’ve also been fostering patience and maturity, as I navigate this pandemic world and knowing (unlike many other people my age) that as much as I miss the “normal world” too, it’s not worth risking my own health or the health of anyone else to have “fun.” I can reinvent the ways in which I bring joy and fun into my life, while staying safe and trusting that those moments and activities will make their way back in my life eventually as things get better. It’s all temporary. 

I am unshakable in my roots and focused on what is important. My vibe is so strong and beautiful, it’s no surprise that I’m not for everyone! Of course, there are areas like friendships and my social life that I’ve put on the back burner for now, but I know as I’m working on myself and just being authentic in putting myself out there, the right people will make their way into my life at the right time! Growing up is strange anytime but especially in this moment, and in some ways I’ve grown apart from who I thought I was, but I also feel more connected to myself than ever. I am healing each day with the light and love in my life— I don’t need anyone’s approval and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself! 

My value and my place in the world doesn’t require anyone’s approval and is not tied to down to any single thing. It comes through in the love I give and receive, it comes through in the way my soul feels when I wake up, it comes through in the literal beauty I get to experience in the world. I went through a negative slump in the late summer and my anxiety was majorly triggered these past several weeks as I re-adjusted to full-time school and my work. This new moon has brought great clarity, a sense of deeper renewal, and turning a new leaf as I return home to myself. To my positive outlook and perseverance that has brought me to this point. Life is nothing without the little moments of joy and love— again, just let me corny and say that aligning back to being present and enjoying those little things is really all that matters. 

My past self would be so proud of me and where I am today. I worked for and earned every beautiful moment that comes my way, and I intend on giving that back to others. Every ray of light that enters me, every penny of abundance I receive, I intend on reflecting right back, because nothing is meant to just be absorbed. It’s nothing unless it’s reflected back into the world in meaningful ways, whether those are tangible or not. I trust that I am making my mark by simply being me and being that reflection. This is how history changes course, and patterns are broken with new ones created. I’ll end with a few manifestations and mantras for this fall-winter season we’re entering!

M A N I F E S T A T I O N S

☽ The people will win, because our power truly is greater than that of those in power. We all deserve better, and so many people are putting in tireless work to make that better world a reality. Thing may not be perfect, now or ever, but making progress and supporting those who need it the most is always a win and it is coming our way because there is a shift happening that the world will have to keep up with.

☽ I will reconnect with my more creative side, allowing my potential to shine through even more. Whether it’s for work or for my own hobbies, I will continue finding outlets for myself to create things that feel authentic and important to who I am, but to also fill in gaps where I feel like others need it. 

☽ I will stay rooted and grounded in my spiritual practices, even when they’re the easiest things to give up when life gets busy, that just means they’re even more necessary to stay connected with! I will make time for journaling, playing, meditating, yoga, cooking, and other activities that bring me in tune with my natural state as a human. 

☽ I will connect and find community. Through being my most authentic self and working through my scars, my negative patterns, and my own blocks, I will find a sense of community with others and find people on my same wavelength who I can connect with. No expectations in mind or idealized version of friendship in mind, just pure desire to connect with others and mutually contribute to each others’ lives in positive ways

☽ Love will persevere and heal as its meant to, in both my relationship and family. Everything will be okay and work out just fine, if not better, than I expect. Pavel and I will be okay and keep growing together, and my family will be okay in staying healthy and strong through this time as something better arises for my dad’s work situation. 

M A N T R A S

☽ I am focused on what matters right now.

☽ I am strong, powerful, and capable of doing what I set my mind to. 

☽ I have a kind and beautiful energy that anyone would be lucky to have.

☽ I can find presence and joy in the little moments.

☽ I can find patience and trust that everything will happen as its meant to. 

[parniarazi]

Gratitude + Reconnecting

I’ve been especially grateful for this moment, where I am healthy and whole, with all the people I love safe and the peace of mind of having all my needs met. With this, I’ve been able to really slow down and go inward. After I moved to Houston and since then, I’ve pushed away and cut cords with most people I knew from my hometown. Part of this was due to the pain, it hurt to move and feel forgotten and like I never mattered to people I was close with, and I was tired of feeling disappointment from people who didn’t in touch or ever reach out. The other part was simply feeling held back by the expectations and ideas of friendship I had, and wanting to let go so I can open space for new friendships to flourish.

Both valid reasons, yet over the last several months I’ve been feeling an urge to reconnect with people from my past. Starting with one of my oldest and closest friends, it was easy to reach out connect again, as if we’d hardly missed a beat. With a few other old friends coming back into my life these past weeks, I’m feeling so grateful as I realize that we still have so much in common. It makes me appreciate my hometown, my roots, and my childhood even more than ever. Despite distance, time, and change, the fact that I’m able to pick up and still have things in common with old friends makes me feel grounded in an odd way I haven’t felt before.

I suppose it’s part of growing up that no one really tells you about. I’m reminded of my parents, who made an even more difficult move away from their family and friends across to the other side of the globe. Growing up, on Sundays I remember waking up to the sound of my mom laughing and speaking Farsi loudly on the phone as she would talk to friends from her high school and college back in Iran. I would get annoyed and ask her how she could spend hours talking like that. Now I understand— to some extent — the air of nostalgia and comfort those old connections to people from the past can bring.

Slowing down enough to notice the birds chirping, appreciating the way the lights flows in the windows and the shadows dance throughout the day, feeling the breath flow in and out of your body, waking up next to the person I love...these are all moments and experiences I’ve realized I should cherish just as much as I do the more external moments. For the last few years, I’ve fallen in love with the experiences travel, music festivals, and doing things/going out brings me. I’ve spent the majority of my free time, money, and energy on those things. Yang energy, the external powerful moments that make for great Instagram photos and lifelong memories.

This moment though, has allowed me to turn back inward, feeling into the yin energy. The energy of grounded-ness, stillness, of home. The things that are just as important and memorable (if not more) than the external, although they’re surely less Instagram-able and glamourous. My parents used to get mad at me when I would go out or hang out with friends multiple nights in a row. I would joke and poke fun at them for telling me to calm down and stay home. It’s funny how these things come full circle, but I’m grateful thinking back to those memories and how my parents were just trying to balance me and remind me to make space for the internal energy to settle, too. As much as I still can’t wait to travel and go to festivals and events again, this moment has brought me a newfound love and appreciation for just being.

I think a lot about how it’s easy it is to highlight certain problems right now, for example with the government, socioeconomic differences, and climate change. This moment is revealing a lot about the world as a whole, yet it’s going to be so easy to pick back up and gradually forget all this even happeneded and go back to our normal ways of fast-paced living. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of letting this moment radicalize us, question why certain things that we’re able to do now (like provide housing and push back student debt) weren’t happening to begin with. Beyond that, I think we also need to remember these feelings right now, too.

Remembering to slow down, to find a balance of external and internal, of yin and yang energies. Balancing my external experiences, going out and traveling, with my internal ones by making intentional time and space to just be home and sit with myself my own energy. This has taught me valuable lessons both tangible and intangible — about maintaining relationships with old friends, practicing daily microgratitides, saving money, and knowing who is really important in your life. I want to always remember this moment in time as the Universe telling us to slow down and calm down. To restore balance, not only to our personal lives, but to the world.

[parniarazi]

So...2020 has been interesting so far, right? Although I’ve been wanting to transition from sharing content on this blog to creating my own podcast/vlog in 2020, that’s something that I want to be put more time into thoughtfully creating since it’s new territory to me. Having this moment in time to breathe, spend some time at home, and really feel back into myself and my creative side has led me to wanting to still post on this platform. Just some patterns I’ve noticed lately, feelings the current state of the world has brought up, and lessons the universe has sent my way - maybe you’ll relate, take away something valuable, or at least have a little food for thought.

This year started off in a whirlwind with the tr*mp adminstration coming at my home country of Iran- for most people this is an old headline or moment in the news that is long past- but for Iranian Americans that’s a moment we haven’t forgotten. Being scared for the livelihood of our home country and family members who live there is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and seeing the following protests and both social/economic unrest just hurt my heart. The U.S. creates so much instability and pain in other countries and people here just forget about it and move on the next day, politics as usual. They don’t see the lives and people behind the headlines who are actually impacting by inflation and instability in their country - people who are just trying to feed their kids and live a normal life like the rest of us. These issues run deep, but this has weighed on my consciousness and stayed with me since then.

In February, I was reminded of the people who love me and are there for me on a daily basis. I had a lovely 4th year celebrating Valentines with my man, and my parents also showered me with love despite our distance now. I’m glad I’ve struck a good balance with my family - being close and seeing each other often but still having the necessary distance to grow up and make my own decisons wirhout their overbearing influence. I also got to visit my favorite city, spending some time in Austin again and see my favorite cousin/long distance bestie when she came to visit! School and work are overwhelming at times, but I’m more adjusted and handling my anxiety better. This semester seems near-impossible to handle with 2 internships, 2 graduate courses in a new field for me, and 1 job that I don’t particularly like. But it’s life and I gotta push through it!

Miraculously, things start to align after a pretty shitty mercury retrograde season in which I wrecked my car and dealt with a lot of financial stress. Time seems to be moving faster and I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m noticing this pattern of reconnecting with people from my past - from my old to best friend and neighbor from Kansas, to old internet friends and coworkers, there seems to a pattern of rekindling old connections and friendships. It’s really beautiful and I think a natural part of growing up, because it allows us to see what things change or don’t change over time, the poeple we’re still able to connect with, and who’s really meant to be in our life for the long run. It’s an odd feeling to connect with people from the past, but it makes me feel warm and nostalgic (and old, haha). I’m embracing it with a fully open heart, and I know the universe is sending people, old and new, into my life for a reason and it’s all part of my path.

Then this whole crazy cornavrius and public health pandemic start to get serious. Pavel and I are worried as it starts to rapidly spread and becomes the only topic the news is covering. Houston is a particularly dangerous spot, and we soon have to cancel some concerts we’ve had tickets to for months and our festival trip for our 4th year at Buku. I have asthma and Pavel has CF, so we are both at-risk for serious health complications if we come in contact with this virus since due to our pre-existing conditions.

At first, it’s just dealing with a lot of cancelled plans and upcoming trips - which end up being a blessing in disguise for those financial worries I mentioned. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this public health pandemic is not affecting everyone equally. There are people who are losing their jobs because of the economic impact of this global issue, my dad even expresses concern over his job and company as the oil and chemical industry takes a hard hit. This breaks my heart because he’s been through a lay-off and recession before and it was hard on our family. He doesn’t deserve this stress or to have to go through that again. There are people much worse off though, people who work hourly and can’t make a living due to more and more businesses closing and events post-poning or cancelling.

The world is actually a mess - schools are cancelling, grocery stores are empty, and people are struggling to take care of their kids and find adequate healthcare if they are sick. Everything is political and how these situations are handled directly affects everyone, but of course those at the bottom take the hardest hits as always. I’m struggling to make sense of everything, as many others are too. To me, the weaknesses of our democracy are glaringly clear at a time like this, and being old enough to truly understand it from an economic standpoint too makes it even worse. Individualism is at its peak, as people hoard resources and allow panic and ignorance to take over. Lives are being entirely uprooted and changed, people are feeling serious and immediate effects of this scary time. Little to no support is offered to those most vulnerable - those with disabilities who can’t take care of themselves, elderly people, poor people without access to computers/internet or the money to bulk-buy food and necessities.

Yet people in this country are still afraid and think it’s too radical to elect a ‘socialist’ leader? The way other countries have taken care of people, provided food and resources, while middle-class Americans hoard toilet paper...I wish people had the capacity to understand what this reaction/situation is revealing about us. It says a lot about the disconnect between the American mentality and the actual reality of collective conciousness with the world/humanity.

There is a lot to be said and unpacked about this situation - politically, economically, and socially. But above all I can’t stop thinking about what the universe is telling us right now. Despite the luxuries we have and what life in this ‘first world’ country looks like - we are still human and susceptible to the same things that harm people on the other side of the world. We are not exceptional or special - we are just like anyone else, we are human, and anything that is a threat to humanity is a threat to us. Having modern luxuries doesn’t make us better than the rest of the world, it’s our humanity that connects us there is a larger ecosystem that governs us above any government that we need to respect. Disrespecting the earth, other countries, and other people will always come back to us.

With businesses being closed and global tourism coming to a halt, it’s fascinating to see the earth healing - from Italy’s waterways clearing up to America’s cities having clearer air than ever - capitalism truly proves to be the real epidemic to the earth. When the earth suffers and when we act like none of the pain and bad energy in the world will affect us, the universe reminds us we’re just human and we don’t have control over everything. In fact, we have less control over our lives than we even think if an invisible pathogen can uproot our entire everyday life. Lastly, we’re reminded of the importance of technology as something we’re seriously leaning into at a time like this. To keep us connected, keep us productive, and keep us informed, our technology is proving to more valuable than ever and it’s something that will grow as the peope socially distance but virtually come together.

The universe really needed to check us - for me this is such an important and necessary time for people to slow down, reflect, and think about what really matters. Our collective humanity. We have more in common than we do differences, and it’s literally impossible for one person or country to be better than another because we are all human and have the same fundamental needs of food, shelter, and healthcare. Any country that doesn’t provide those basic needs for their people can hardly be considered ‘first world.’ When billionaires retreat to their well-stocked and isolated homes, while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills and put food on the table - what does that say about us? Are we willing to accept and live in a world like this? Does any person really deserve healthcare more than another simply because of their economic status? To me, these things are what’s truly terrifying, not the virus itself but the scary truths it reveals about our society.

Personally, like I said I feel like I’m feeling these things on a deeper level now that I’ve moved out and am more aware of what it means to earn a living and the costs of life. I’m in an extremely privileged position, but I’m using that really consider how this affects different people and what it can teach me for the rest of my life.

1. Saving money is everything. You can work your entire life away and your company will lay you off no matter what you’ve done for them, and if you’re old and in need your government will say ‘sorry buddy good luck!’ Individualism kills, but that’s why getting your money right and having emergency savings is more important than anything else! This has taught me to prioritize having some seriously hefty savings before I book another trip or buy something I don’t actually need. My parents often tell me to not “spend like an American,” buying things I don’t need or simply want but don’t actually have the money for. I used to roll my eyes at this, but actually understanding the economic hardships they’ve lived through and the experiences that shape their views helps me realize the truth behind it. The American middle class is the biggest trap ever and can make you feel secure when you’re actually not unless you seriously save money and have it in multiple places. Capitalism perpeutes an endless cycle of desire and making you feel like you always need more, but when it all goes to shit, what will you have and be left with?

2. We need to slow down and tap into our collective conciousness more than ever. Maybe actually think about what other people are going through rather than centering yourself all the time. Other people exist and matter as much as you do, and your actions affect things and have a chain reaction. Not just right now, but always. Anything that affects another human being or harms someone else affects you, too because we’re all connected more than we realize. Energetically and literally! Humanity is an ecosystem, and when one part is hurting or damaged, it will eventually affect everything. The world is more connected than ever and we have to realize this, no matter how much media/politics tries to pit groups against each other and create divisions, we are all literally the same. And everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are and what resources they do or don’t have. We are all more interconnected and we need each other. People cannot continue acting selfishly and greedily the way they have been - our lives depend on the actions of other people and we need each other. We should really start acting like it.

3. The world literally cannot go on if we keep consuming and producing things the way we are. After this event, more poeple will work and go to school remotely, which is great because it results in less traffic, less pollution, and it’s better for many people with mental health issues or disabilities! But there are still serious considerations we have to make about what it means that the earth is finally getting a chance to breathe since we’re large businesses are shutting down. When it comes to travel, tourism, and economics, climate change is literally at the center of all of those issues. This is a manifestation of the earth having enough of our shit to be honest, and I wish more conversations were happening about that right now. The earth is a part of us and we are a part of it, and when it’s hurting that will catch up to us and hurt us back.

I suppose that’s all I have for now, but like I said there is so much to unpack but many useful conversations to be had around this current issue as we’re starting to see it’s effects on our world. I know that personally I’m at a huge privilege to be safe, healthy, have shelter and food, and be with someone I love right now. I hope by sharing this, I’ll spark some thoughts or simply have them to refer back to in the future when this is all behind us. The situation may pass eventually, but we shouldn’t forget what it’s desperately calling on us to shift our attention to. I’m honestly loving this extra down time, that we unfortunately don’t get enough, to simply be human and enjoy the company of our loved ones, sleeping in, having more time for our hobbies, or even doing nothing, as it’s necessary for humans to do sometimes! I hope this results in a shift in our collective conciousness that is desperately needed, but for me it’s affirming a lot of important things I already knew but needed to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s easy to get overwhelmed right now and there’s a lot of change to adjust to, but the lessons the universe is sending us are invaluable right now and it’s imperative for people to think for themselves and think really critically about what’s happening, both for others and ourselves.

[parniarazi]

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A few days into the fresh energy of the new year, I’m still processing a lot from 2019 because it was a huge year for me. I think it’s a big missed opportunity for self-growth if you don’t take some time to reflect on your year, what it taught you, how it shaped you, and what your goals are moving into a new year. Resolutions can be cheesy and cheap, but serious self-reflection and actions towards your goals are what will move you forward.

In 2019, I got to experience a lot of things I love. I photographed one of my favorite artists, I went to 6 music festivals (including my first SXSW and EDCLV), I traveled to Vegas, Italy, Germany, France, Colorado, and Mexico (not to mention a few weekends away in the lovely Austin, Texas). I connected with many different people this year, a few of whom have stuck around to be good friends. I graduated college surrounded by the support of my amazing family, started my first semester of grad school and my first real job, and I fell even more in love with Pavel after we made the decision to move in together.

Whew. Talk about self-growth. Years like this that are filled with change are definitely among the most difficult ones I remember, but getting older is cool sometimes because I recall other similar times when I felt challenged, pushed, and even frustrated, but then ended up getting through it and life being way better on the other side. For example, when I first moved to Houston in 2016. Another similarly big transition year, 2019 didn’t come without its struggles, but those have been incredible learning moments and just as important as my highs. 

Overall though, growing up is hard. I think this is something I say often, but I really feel that in my soul. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on adulthood, I’m now financing larger trips and travel plans for Pavel and I, I’m seeing more of the world, I’m less afraid of doing adult things alone and less afraid of the unknown general. At the same time though, so much of my identity is rooted in my youth. Young, wild, and free, you know? Nothing is better. So in many ways, feeling this slip away from me year by year as I get older and have to handle more and more of my own responsibilities really sucks. Not being able to be as carefree or have as much free time can be a challenge that comes with adulthood, but fortunately having the level of self-awareness I’ve developed, I’m also realizing that I don’t actually have to buy into that narrative anymore. Can I be a fully responsible, independent adult and still create time for myself and give myself breaks to play, dance, and rest? Absolutely. Can I be a smart, professional, respectable person while still being funny and quirky and myself? Hell yeah. Getting settled into adulthood by moving out and going through all these changes I did this year has helped me realize that my life is really my own to shape and create however I want. I’ve learned that no matter what advice others give me or see fit for me, the decisions are mine to make at the end of the day and I’m the one who has to live my life every day. As the indecisive libra I am, this was hard at first but I can literally feel myself growing into my power and that feels fucking amazing. 

Major shifts also happened in my academic/professional life that were extremely difficult to go through, but I have a feeling were a huge plunge in the right direction for me. For most of undergrad (which was only 3 years), I was committed to staying in academia to get my Ph.D. in political science and then working as a professor. This was mainly for 3 reasons — I was always good at school so I thought putting off finding a job to stay in school longer would be an easy solution, I wanted to stay in an area I excelled in and felt comfortable in, and I didn’t explore my other interests/options enough at the time. I also couldn’t see myself dressing in business clothes, working in an office or corporate-type job. Essentially, I settled for something I thought would be more comfortable, but it turned out my undergrad program had not challenged me or prepared me for this grad program at all. Instead of being comfortable, I was thrown to the wolves in classes and material I was completely unprepared for and not even interested in. Not to mention, I felt incredibly alone and isolated from my classmates because many of them were older, already had a Master’s degree, and their lives revolved completely around the department because most of them worked as TAs while being full-time students. Meanwhile, I was working outside of academics, wanted to maintain my personal life and hobbies, and simply could not keep up with the pace and demands of the program. Nor did I want to, because seeing both the Ph.D. student and professor life up and close as a grad student made me realize that’s not the life I want as a professional. Academia can be incredibly stifling of new ideas, very bureaucratic, and has cookie-cutter ways to ‘making it’ in your given field. I learned that it is not an environment where my skills and personality would flourish, and I deserve better than that. I realized it’s unfair to both myself and the people who could benefit from my skills to force myself to fit into a box I simply don’t fit into.

That doesn’t go to say I have it all figured out now because I surely don’t. In fact, I’m on a whole new journey of finding jobs and fields I’m interested in, then gaining the right experiences and connections to get those jobs. Fortunately, I saved my grad school career by advocating for myself. Last semester, I immediately realized I hated the poli sci program, started exploring other related degree options, dropped my most difficult class after midterms, and then pushed and begged my advisors to actually do something to help me do something about my situation. After exploring and talking to people a bit, I realized my skillset would be a lot more applicable for something in Communications, like Public Relations or Mass Communications. I’ve always had a mind for communication, media, and relating to others as a deep empath. With broad applications in the world, I also realized this is a degree that I can make, not one that makes me. I can apply it and use it to do anything I'm interested in — from entertainment PR and marketing, to journalism and writing, to leadership and team management. My advisors were able to transfer me into the Communications MA for this spring, even though technically I would have had to apply and start in the fall. An important consideration about leaving political science was that they had given me a full scholarship covering my tuition, but since I’ve transferred I’ll now have to figure out paying for this semester myself and then finding scholarships or other ways to pay for the next 2 years (because I’ve made it this far and I refuse to have student loans). I’m so glad I didn’t let the money stop me because I would have lost that scholarship anyway since I dropped a class and didn’t get the most impressive grades, plus no scholarship is worth suffering in something you don’t want to be in and that won’t get you where you want to be.

Aside from the whirlwind that was this last semester, I am incredibly proud of myself for getting through all these crazy changes and still managing to be my joyful and best self (at least most of the time). I had my days where I cried hard after school and work, and some dark weeks this semester, but I made still doing things that make me happy a priority. Yoga, music, travel, going to festivals, going out with friends, seeing my family, and just slowing down for self-care. Finding familiarity and comfort in these things that bring me joy, combined with support from Pavel, are what got me through my hardest times this semester. Now I feel more settled into my new life being moved out, I feel more confident and powerful because I made my own decisions, and I feel excited about this new journey and the fulfillment and abundance this new path will bring me. 

Speaking of Pavel, it’s actually unreal how seamless and perfect moving in with him has been. Of course, we are immensely privileged because we aren’t dealing with rent, bills, or even cleaning much. But nonetheless, we’ve dealt with challenging times together but just going to bed together and waking up together makes life better. He’s my best friend in every way, living with him and sharing a space together is so magical and beautiful. I feel so safe, welcomed, and open to create the space and life I want here. I feel so cared for, valued, and loved with Pavel. We work so well together, it feels effortless and deliciously perfect. He grounds me, and this space has become home so quickly because of the way he makes me feel here. Moving out has taught me so much, helped me start overcoming a lot of fear and anxiety, and just allowed me to blossom more into myself. I will be forever grateful for Pavel helping make that happen with me at this point in our lives where it was so perfectly needed. I respect and love him endlessly for being the mature, intelligent, caring, patient partner that I need in my life. 

2019 was also a year of letting go of a lot of friendships, people, and energies that no longer serve me. I realized that I am a wonderful friend who is ready to give support, love, guidance, hugs, and my whole heart to someone who is willing to give all of that back and who is deserving of receiving that from me. Even though I’m in a healthy and happy long-term relationship, I still feel myself holding space in my heart for deep friendships and connections with other people (specifically with women/feminine energy), but I haven’t been able to fill that space since moving to Texas. I miss the friendships I grew up having, and I put a lot of pressure on filling that space for a while, but I realizing forcing it gets me nowhere and a lot of people simply aren’t in a place to be able to reciprocate my energy in a meaningful way. A lot of people are really caught up in their own lives (which is totally understandable), already have other people filling the space for friendship in their lives, or simply aren’t at the level of maturity and growth that I am so they can’t connect with me on a deep level. Making close friends as an adult is way harder, people are just busier, but I really do trust that I will attract the right people and they will come into my life at the right time.

Continuing to expand and grow into my spirituality and spiritual practices by meditating, journaling, listening to podcasts, and practicing yoga has also brought me solace and internal happiness. It’s hard to describe and most people my age/similar to me are really disconnected from having their own authentic beliefs/practices because they either go with what they’re taught or dismiss it altogether. For me, having a career path I find exciting and fulfilling, a stable romantic relationship, healthy friendships, a spiritual practice, and fun hobbies are all areas of my life that I need to satisfy to feel balanced and genuinely happy. Knowing this, and after reflecting on all of these areas within the past year, I’m manifesting the following for each area in 2020, but I also know the Universe knows more than me and things may go differently for a reason (like my poli sci program not working out) so I trust that I will receive this, or something better...

☽ Career — I will get a second job/start a side hustle that will help fund my school and travels this year, I will start learning exciting new things that prepare me for a field/job I’m passionate about, I will secure an internship that pays well and allows me to practice/gain useful skills, I will get scholarships for next school year, I will feel a sense of belonging and make friends in my new program, I will continue learning and exploring different options/opportunities, and I will make connections with people who can mentor me and help me grow into starting my career.  

☽ Relationship — Pavel and I will continue to support, love, and care for each other in all aspects. Our love will continue to grow and flourish as we grow in life together. We will go on adventures that make us feel happy, excited, exhausted and refreshed. We will add to our stories and crazy experiences. We will continue treating each other with love and respect, supporting each others’ growth as individuals while also growing together in a really beautiful way. 

☽ Friendship — I will continue to grow my valuable friendships with people who are on the same wavelength as me. I will have a lot of laughs and good memories with people I care about. I will get deeper into the communities of like-minded people around me (music, yoga). I will find more friends who inspire me and actively support my creative ideas/work. I will develop deeper and more fulfilling friendships with people who reciprocate my energy, and I will extend myself in new ways by being the person I needed for others. 

☽ Spirituality — I will continue practicing meditation and yoga as much as I can. I will also continue to read one book per month and listen to one podcast per week to grow the value in my practice. I will journal and synchronize my self-growth with lunar and astrological cycles, which allows me to tap into my higher power and divine connection with the universe. I will also consider doing a YTT this summer or winter, but regardless I will find outlets to be of assistance to others and give back in this area that has been of such deep value in my life. I will practice breathing, mindfulness, and presence to feel grounded during stressful times. I will get better at protecting my energy and staying rooted in my own positive energy and affirmations (aka, not letting other people’s BS or toxic energy affect me). 

☽ Fun — I will continue going to events that surround me with good energy and good people. I will continue doing what brings me joy, allows me to move and release tension and energy, and that brings me closer with like-minded friends. I will continue to make the incredible trips and experiences I desire a reality by saving money and smart planning. I make more of an effort to bring this good energy with me into my every day by being myself and sharing my laughs and joy with the people around me. I will continue to feed my inner child, my creativity, and my natural human existence on this earth.

I have no doubt that 2020 will continue this amazing momentum and growth that I have cultivated over the past year. I am beyond blissful and grateful for the incredible year I had and all it taught me, but I’m also ready to move forward feeling more prepared, confident, and capable of making everything I can imagine a reality. 

[parniarazi]

Tulum is a magical place where the jungle, sea, and ancient spirits all come together in one place. Being my first international travel destination independently, and being Pavel and I’s first international trip together, it was even more special (even though being in Texas we have the advantage of being a very short flight away). We saved, planned, and booked this trip right before school started for us in August, so we would have something to look forward to throughout the semester and after we finished our finals. Tulum has become increasingly popular in the last several years, as traditional tourist spots like Cancun and Playa del Carmen have become dated and worn out, while Tulum offers a more authentic and fresh experience. 

It’s tempting to get an inclusive-retreat style hotel when traveling to these parts of Mexico, especially as people are often (overly) concerned about safety in Mexico and want to stretch their hard-earned vacation money. I initially considered this too, but quickly learned that Tulum offers a lot less large resorts and hotels (at least for now) and is all about small, boutique-style hotels. Plus, getting to visit other hotels, restaurants, and just wandering in Tulum is an essential part of fully experiencing all this amazing place has to offer. 

We stayed at Coco Limited Tulum for 5 days, which was the perfect amount of time in my opinion. Even weathering a day and a half of clouds/rain, we still had enough time to rearrange our plans for the weather and just what we were feeling that day without stressing about not having enough time to do everything we wanted. For anyone planning a trip to Tulum, I would definitely suggest a full week though, especially if you want to venture out to more remote spots. Here are some of the spots we visited that are essential to check out and a little bit about our experiences at each place. 

☽ Cenotes at Casa Tortuga — I was initially planning to visit one of the open cenotes here because I was scared of swimming in the caves and covered cenotes. When we went to the front desk of our hotel for a taxi there they had a deal with Casa Tortuga and we were able to buy our tickets there to visit all 4 cenotes. It turned out to be incredible even though I was really terrified at first to go into the caves, we had a guide and were with a group so that really helped ease me into it and also made the entry price well worth it. It ended up being so beautiful and so much fun to experience this place as our first cenote visit!

☽ Archeological Zone of Tulum (Mayan Port City Ruins) — absolutely beautiful and within biking distance to most hotels on the Playa strip! It was a really cool place to experience history, walks in the jungle, gorgeous views of the water, and even some wildlife all in one place. Definitely take a bike ride here or just to the Pueblo, biking is also essential in Tulum and most hotels will have them to rent. Also, TONS of tourists from cruises and other areas visit here daily, so arriving early before the crowds will save you lots of time and make it less crowded for photos. We arrived around 10 am and there was no line for tickets/entry, but by the time we left around noon, there was a massive line waiting to get in.

☽ Tulum Pueblo — way cheaper to get souvenirs/hand-made goods here than you’ll find around the Playa area and some great cheap/local food too! We rode bikes here after visiting the Mayan ruins, and it was really close with a lot to see along the ride there. If there was one thing I would recommend doing while visiting the city is to go to a supermarket and buy a small cooler, ice, and drinks/snacks to just keep in your room. It’ll save you a lot on overpriced drinks along the beach, we got a 6-pack of Coronas (which I totally fell in love with while there) for about $1 USD while along the beach they would be at least $4-5 for one!

☽ Ahau & Raw Love Tulum — Ahau is a hotel and restaurant and within their property is one of the most loved and photographed sculptures and raw vegan spots in Tulum. The massive Raw Love statue was donated to Tulum by South African artist Daniel Popper and represents 𝙂𝙖𝙞𝙖, mother earth, opening her heart and giving loving energy for all of us. She loves and gives to us unconditionally. She keeps us alive. She gives us food, air, water, love, and so much more. To me, this perfectly captures the spirit of Tulum. Sadly, she was closed off for maintenance while we were there so we didn’t get good photos, but still seeing this amazing sculpture in real life was very cool. Just checking out this property and coming here twice during our stay for food was great. It’s a perfect spot for a light and refreshing lunch with a view of the beach. They also offer yoga and other holistic healing classes that I would have loved to join if we had more time there. 

☽ Cenote Nitcte-ha — a little farther of a drive from the Playa strip, this cenote is among the most beautiful and well-known in Tulum for its open clear waters and vibrant lily pads and well worth a visit. I was so excited to swim here and take photos, but I overlooked one small thing. This cenote has a lot of little fish and I am absolutely terrified of fish (yes, even the tiny ones). Maybe an odd fear for someone who loves being in the water, it actually really freaked me out and took me a while to get in the water without hyperventilating. The water was so cold and felt amazing, and it was worth the cortisol pumping through my body to experience this place!

☽ Resturants for dinner — among the best-rated in Tulum and worth visiting in our experience are Taboo, Ziggy’s, Mur Mur, Cenzotle, and Casa Jaguar. Keep in mind, a lot of these places are expensive with prices comparable to higher-end restaurants in the states. Don’t expect Mexico prices at restaurants along the Playa, but honestly, the quality and unique flavors of the food are incredible and like nothing I’ve had before. It’s worth the extra money to splurge on some of the amazing meals these places have to offer. I wish we had more time to try more of the restaurants and bars in the area though because they’re all amazing and delicious, you really can’t go wrong. 

☽ Swim and walk along the beach — simple, and of course what most people come to do, but I seriously cannot emphasize how healing and amazing it feels to have your toes in the sand and let the waves of Carribean sea wash over you. Saltwater has incredible healing properties, and on the days where the water was calmer, it was so much fun to swim in the crystal-clear waters. Not to mention you feel so relaxed and sleep like a baby after playing in the waves and sand all afternoon. 

Tulum is seriously an incredible, magical, and special place. The way the sunshine lights up the green leaves of the jungle, the smell of burning Copal, and the sound of the waves are something I won’t forget and would totally go back for. Well worth visiting, the only thing I would do differently is to spend more time researching the ethical practices of the places stay and dine at. After our trip, I was curious and did some YouTube learning on the history of Tulum. Of course, tourism always comes with an environmental cost, but I learned why this issue is especially critical for Tulum. I also learned about some of the beliefs and values of the indigenous Mayan people, and I think it makes travel much more valuable when you actively care about and learn about the culture, the environment, and the history of places you visit. 

Speaking of this, some of the most striking memories I have of Tulum go beyond the beautiful views and tasty food. At one of the shops at the end of the Playa strip near the city, we bought a dream-catcher and some other little souvenirs and when we went to pay, the man pointed to the back where there was a little table with two women were cooking food on hot plates. “They hand make these,” he said as he pointed to the women who kindly smiled at us. As a tourist, the least you can do is spend your money at local places so women like them can feed their families. The culture of this region in Mexico is one of kindness and trust. Vastly different than in America, when we took taxi rides to the cenotes, both times our drivers offered to take us round trip and waited for us while we visited the cenotes. They wouldn’t even let us pay for the ride there but would leave and come back or simply wait for us, trusting us to find them for our ride back. Even offering to keep our bags in the car so we didn’t have to rent lockers, the local people you’ll encounter in Tulum are just incredibly trusting and kind. Many of them would give us tips and talk about their favorite cenotes, and I was in love with the open, kind culture of the people here. My conversational Spanish really picked up while I was there, and I was inspired to finally take my Spanish skills a step further after years of being exposed to Spanish to be fluent by the end of 2020. 

The experiences, memories, connections, and inspiration that comes with traveling like this is truly invaluable. Taking this trip was one of the best things I did this year and I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to do so. I can’t wait to keep traveling, checking off places on my list, and being inspired by the places and people I encounter.

[parniarazi]

Days like today, when I’m lucky enough to have the time and space to slow down and reflect, my heart feels overwhelmed with gratitude. And truly in awe of how perfectly everything aligns for a reason. The pain, the struggles, the smiles - all of it serves a purpose.

I can be obsessed with planning things and knowing what’s awaiting me in the future. But as most of us have learned by now, things hardly go as planned. I’m learning to let go of control, the grip of needing to know everything, and just revel in the beautiful openness of the unknown. Instead of seeing that as scary or a lack of a “plan,” I’m choosing to embrace it as endless oppurtunies to create whatever I want out of my life.

Although school and work have both been frustrating and seemingly ‘out of control’ this semester, I’m grateful to have had beautiful moments and great memories in between. There is always room for color, joy, and moments that make you feel alive. It can be hard not to loose hope and that youthful energy while learning how to function (and conform) to adult life. Sometimes it feels silly and useless that we just have to go through these processes and do these tasks within systems and institutions that don’t even care if you exist. But I’m working on not letting the bullshit get me down and protecting my energy by staying surrounded by music, creative energy, and the things I love.

I am embracing the unknown and allowing the new opportunities to emerge, making a commitment to choosing myself and my happiness, doing what it takes to protect and manifest more love. I am still getting to know myself, but I’m also taking the time to pause and process so I can reflect on what is valuable and what I need to let go of.

What is most valuable to me is protecting and growing my life and love with Pavel. If anything went right this year, it was the decison to move in together. Our life is more beautiful than I could ever imagine, and I want to grow and succeed so our life can continue to feel this good (and then even better). My family and seeing them happy and comfortable is valuable to me. Becoming more skilled and enabled to create the ideas I see in my head is valuable to me. Investing my time in myself and what will contribute to my growth and success is valuable to me. Traveling, learning things that can make a difference, and connecting with other people are valuable to me.

What needs to be let go of and isn’t helping me put more energy in those things that are valuable to me are my unproductive habits (procrastinating, too much screen time), overspending on material items, and thinking too much about my physical presentation.

I feel an urge to express when I have this overstimulating feeling of gratitude, and as an action or expression of that, I feel the need to reflect on what really matters in my life and what I need to focus on/let go of to continue growing into a better version of myself. Too often we just think about the next thing to do, to buy, to post, or to say. Slowing down and reflecting on where you are and where you want to be is crucial to aligning with your goals and potential. I know by doing this, and by making time for myself even when I’m busy, I can pull all my skills and experiences together to create something great and reach my highest potential.

I’m just glad to be me, to be where I am, and to be present in this gentle moment. These past few months have been a beautiful journey. I am so full of hope and love for what the future holds.

[parniarazi]

This summer was a good one although it flew by, a lot of big and beautiful experiences came from it. Although I might not have gotten to some of my smaller goals this summer, I really can’t complain. I got to celebrate my graduation with all of the people I love, I went to my first EDC with Pavel, I travelled to Europe with my family, and I went on a beautiful trip to Colorado to top it all off. It was so gorgeous and refreshing, definitely what I needed before school started. I’m so grateful for the experiences I got to have this summer, and most of all I’m grateful for Pavel. From moving in together, to going on this trip, to supporting each other through our journeys with school, it’s all been the biggest blessing I could have ever asked for. Having a genuine and reliable partner to go through life with alleviates so much stress and anxiety. I never imagined I’d be in this position at this point in my life, I always had a mindset of being independent and proving myself by doing things alone. Letting Pavel into my life slowly over the years and trusting him enough that I was willing to sacrifice a lot of that need for ‘independence’ has actually allowed me to do much more than I ever could have if I tried to do everything alone. I’m grateful for opening each other up the way we have, because this love has been the most life-changing thing that could have happened to me.

I think it’s often about being in the right place at the right time. The universe aligns things a certain way for a reason. Another aspect of my life that makes me think about this a lot is my education. I’m so glad I ended up at UH for college, I know I say this a lot, but it was the most perfect place I could have ended up. I’ve always loved school and the feelings of structure and expansion it gave me. It feels good to be working towards something, and even though I went though a lot of confusion and conflict after the whirlwind of my first week of classes, I am glad to be where I am. I felt a lot of regret and have been hard on myself because based on my first week, it felt like this program that I had thought was such a good fit for me suddenly wasn’t. I love academia and always had an interest in teaching, but now that I’m older, more mature, and have had more experiences outside of academics, I’m learning that maybe a PhD route or even staying in political science might not be for me. But I made the decisions that brought me to this point based on what I knew and felt at the time, and I can’t be too hard on myself for that. Maybe this program isn’t what I was expecting or wanting it to be, but I can still make it work for me and get through it to the best of my abilities. It can be intimidating, especially after years of feeling like my undergrad classes were a breeze, to be a room full of people who seem way smarter than me. I deserve to be there just as much as them, and I’m clearly capable enough to do it. With the changes in my living situation, my new classes and program, and changes happening to my work situation, I’ve been feeling in over my head. I’m grateful that I have such kind and caring people in my life who I’ve been able to talk to about this, but I’m also glad I have the self-awareness to check myself.

Returning to breath, to kindness, to light. Remembering who the fuck I am. I might not be perfect or make the right decision every time, but no one does. No one really knows what they’re doing and no one has a linear or “right” path. Life is a ride, we just have to ride the waves as they come. I have to make the best of this year and get through my courses. I trust that in the right timing, the right decision will make itself clear in terms of the best thing to do next. I really can’t regret anything, because everything thus far has put me where I am, and even though it’s going to be challenging and Ill have to push myself, I know I’m in a good place and don’t take that for granted. I’m more than the title on my degree, and I can do whatever I want with it. I’m a dynamic, creative, and intelligent person, and whatever I end up doing should reflect that.

With whatever the year throws at me, I am making a commitment to put not forget to put self-care at the top of my list, especially at the busiest times when I need it the most. To remember the practices that ground me and make me feel like myself again. Academia can be draining, and so can being around the people in it, but I don’t have to change or feel like I can’t be myself. I can be funny, quirky, and cute while still being smart and getting a graduate degree. I don’t have to fit into any boxes or look/act a certain way. I need to find the discipline to be consistent and stick to my schedule so I don’t get overwhelmed and can still live a balanced life. It’s possible to make time for having fun, going out, practicing yoga, being with people I love, or simply even sleeping in. Everyone has a challenging season in their life, I just have to remember it’s temporary and that I’ve gotten through similar times before so I can surely do it again.

Getting older really feels trippy sometimes, but I am beyond grateful to be where I am and to be able to grow like this. I hope I look back on this post during some difficult times this semester. As a note of self-love I want to remind myself:

✾ You are a BADASS.

✾ You are smart and dynamic

✾ Know yourself and trust yourself - the right decisions will come to you.

✾ The path will unfold in front of you if you’re brave enough to take the leap.

✾ You have so much to be grateful for.

✾ Don’t get so caught up that you don’t see or appreciate the most important things and people in your life.

✾ Don’t let your spark or light be dimmed by anyone or anything.

✾ The seasons will change, everything is temporary.

✾ Keep growing and don’t limit yourself.

✾ The best is yet to come.

[parniarazi]

finding a spiritual path in a millennial world

Like many other people my age, I never really followed or practiced any religion, and for most of my life I’ve found religious/spiritual stuff to be a pretty huge load of BS. It’s so much easier to fill up our time and space with friends, social media, work, material items, and making plans for the weekend. I think most people who find and get really deep into their spiritual path are ones who have been through some sort of disruption to their ordinary lives. For me, this was moving away from where I grew up and having that ‘clean slate’ feeling at an age where I was also trying to self-discover. 

But where do you even start if you’re in your early 20′s and feeling lost or like something is really missing from your life? Our generation is the least religious, but does that mean we have to let go of the community, sense of peace, and comfort that spirituality brings? Definitely not. We have the greatest tools to be leaders and innovators at our fingertips, but sometimes we have to remember to break the molds of our minds and remember we’re only as limited as we think we are. 

My journey began with a lot of alone time + reflection. Having no expectations and simply riding with the flow of life, plus being open to whatever the Universe brings into your life. Starting over is one of the most valuable things you can do for growth - no matter what the scale. Knowing I got through some big life changes and things ended up beautiful and perfect beyond my imagination leads me to know that I can handle any changes in the future, too. 

Everyone’s spiritual path is different, but I think the goals are rather similar. Whatever model of spirituality you follow, I think the goals should be the following. If whatever you’re doing (or not doing) isn’t fulfilling these, then maybe it’s time to go deeper with yourself and discover where you can find what you’re missing or seeking. 

✾ Sense of trust in life, that everything is working for you and in alignment. 

✾ Sense of peace and love for the people and the world around you.

✾ Sense of one-ness and connection with the people and world around you.

✾ Sense of gratitude and love for yourself - loving your body, mind, and life no matter what stage it’s in.

✾ Sense of excitement for the endless possibilities of the future.

✾ Sense of comfort regarding death and loss, knowing these things are inevitable a part of life.

What’s beautiful and really draws me towards spirituality and healing is that it is always a work in progress. These are not explicit end goals - they are vague and guiding goals that you can constantly work on, change, and grow however you want. That sense of never being stagnant and always able to change and expand your views on these deep fundamentals of life is so important. Fluidity is magic. Even more importantly though, is the powerful impact working towards these goals has not only on your own life and well-being but on the lives of those around you and your future generations, too. Especially as a woman, we inherit a lot of trauma, pain, and mental habits from the lineage of women before us. Often unaware of what we’re carrying, we pass these wounds onto our children and the people closest to us. Awareness and healing from these wounds are what give us the ability to transcend any trauma and pain we’ve been holding onto and to free our future from experiencing the same negative things. 

I wanted to share a few of the tools that have helped me identify and work towards the goals that I listed. Taking little pieces from different ideas that have resonated with me has been the key to piecing together my own spiritual practice free of any rules or BS of conventional religion (not that religion is bad, but as an institution if it doesn’t work for you, take the parts that do and let go of the rest). Over the last few years, I’ve discovered a lot of incredible resources and practices that helped me evolve and grow into a higher version of myself. Again, everyone’s path is different, unique, and always changing. Be open, try different things, keep what works for you and let go of what doesn’t without any judgment. 

✾ Educate yourself! Read books and listen to podcasts - they don’t necessarily have to be self-help or spirituality stuff, but anything that piques your curiosity! The goal is just getting curious about something new! Learning and trying new things works out and expands your brain muscles - which can be helpful to get out of a brain fog or deal with depressive symptoms. A few books that really helped me question my beliefs include The Alchemist, Untethered Soul, Code of the Extraordinary Mind, Introduction to Tantra, The Four Agreements, and the collected poems of Hafiz in The Gift. 

✾ Just as you work your mind, you have to work your body! Finding a physical practice that helps you feel rejuvenated and healthy is so important. Exercise has become increasingly about ‘brands’ and so many people I know have written it off because they’re not athletic or fitness-y types of people. Spoiler - you don’t have to be! Make it a part of your spiritual practice to go on a walk or bike ride however often you can. Try a yoga class. Do some workout videos in your room. Spirituality is physical + mental. Moving your body is the healthiest and most natural release of blocked or negative energy and movement helps my anxiety issues tremendously. Love all your body does for you by taking care of it and challenging it in safe/healthy ways that feel good!

✾  Try meditation. I promise it’s more than sitting in an uncomfortable position trying to think about nothing! There are so many apps and websites out there now with amazing guided meditations. I love the Calm app, which I really recommend for beginners! I’ve been meditating for almost 2 years and it has changed my life. Meditation is an ancient practice but it’s even more necessary in our generation with how much we have to juggle. It helps me feel more in tune with myself and my intuition, especially helpful when I need clarity regarding a specific decision or I want to manifest something specific. Energy blocks are real and a good meditation practice can literally re-wire your brain and heal your body. 

✾ Find a creative outlet. I’ve always been drawn to art and creative people, but I always felt like I lack the talent or ability to ‘be creative.’ I always had a diary and liked to journal and blog since I was really young, and as I got older I realized that writing and media were my strengths and how I can creatively express my ideas. Let go of comparison and fear of not being good enough. I don’t care that maybe 3 people read something I’ve put hours into creating. What matters is that I put my ideas and energy out there. Again, release. Whatever is going through you right now, let it go in some form. Paint, draw, journal, dance, sing, take photos, dress up. You are a unique gift to this world, and every time you share your creativity you add more color and depth to the world. Our generation has endless opportunities to create. If there’s something you wish existed that doesn’t - make it.  

✾ Join a community. Online or in person, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes if you’re really introverted like I am, this can be difficult but it’s so healing when you do. I was really scared to go to my first yoga class, but the studio I go to now feels like home. I’m also a part of Facebook groups that connect me with like-minded women, and Twitter group messages for my music interests. Find people who speak your love language and are into whatever hobbies you are! As much as some people dislike their jobs or co-workers or peers at school, finding at least a few people you connect with at your work on your campus is key. For me, it can be a challenge to make new friends, but that feeling of being greeted by a familiar face you trust is so comforting. Music and festivals also have such a huge place in my heart because of the feelings of the community they bring. You might be with a crowd of strangers, but the kindness and connection that brings everyone together is so powerful. No one can heal or grow alone - you need a community that speaks your language and has your back. 

I hope these ideas were specific enough to be helpful but open enough to be interpreted in your situation. Remember, the path is wherever you step. There is no right or wrong way to be spiritual or evolve. Learn something new, let go of some bullshit, and step into everything you ever desired and more. 

(PS - I could have added another point about the impact of cannabis and psychedelics on my spiritual evolution, but I thought that would be worthy of its own post later on.) 

[parniarazi]

Experiencing the magic of some of the most ancient art and architecture of humanity was an unreal journey over the last few weeks. Through 6 cities and 3 countries in the span of 2 weeks, I learned so much from such a little amount of time. That’s my favorite thing about travel - you gain a sense of wisdom and culture that nothing else can give you in such a short time period. From my visit to my birthplace of Iran last summer, to my mini-tour of Europe this summer, I’m so grateful to have the privilege of traveling at this age. The sense of cultural understanding I’ve gained from these experiences is invaluable. I hope this post can give some tips to anyone interested in international travel and simply highlight some things I learned from my trip.

The first thing I had to deal with before even leaving for the airport was packing. Like many people, I have a tendency to overpack so I really challenged myself to pack light for this trip. For my trip to Iran last year, I really only needed about half the stuff I brought in my checked bag. For this trip, I took a carry-on suitcase and mini backpack. This was also necessary because I was traveling between cities and countries in Europe. Keeping it light is important, as well as making sure you keep liquids to a minimum and placing heavier items toward to bottom. I became a pro at washing some of my underwear and clothes in the shower with soap so I could re-wear it. Smart packing is totally essential for a long international trip, so I’d even suggest making sure you have good quality luggage before you leave to make transporting it easier and worry-free.

Another thing people can underestimate or overlook is transportation. We mainly used public transportation, because taxis can be overpriced and hard to track down. Public transportation can save lots of money (you can use towards food and shopping instead!) and even be kind of fun once you get the hang of it. Do some research beforehand and don’t be afraid to ask questions! Luckily, I was warned about pickpocketers and we made sure to keep our important items secure and out of back pockets or easy to reach places. Keeping your stuff safe and even locked is definitely a good idea in the crowded areas.

Before you leave get tickets online to any places you’re visiting that require them. Seriously, you won’t be able to thank yourself enough when you get to skip a giant line of tourists waiting to buy tickets or get in. However, you should also be ready for lines and lots of walking, so take your comfiest shoes or even buy insoles! We walked between 5-10 miles on an average day in the city wandering and sightseeing. Not to mention the stairs - if you have any sort of disability make sure you find out if places are accessible beforehand. We saw the Louvre, Vatican Musem, Sistine Chapel, Vatican Church, and several other of the worlds most famous museums and it is so worth being on your feet for a long time! The biggest thing that took me by surprise was the crowds (especially because I have anxiety) in places you wouldn’t expect it. Everything is tiny in Europe, and although people had told me this I really didn’t know how tiny until I experienced it myself. Coming from big ol’ Texas, it was definitely a culture shock and surprise.

This is a given for travel - but be open and relax! Things will go wrong or be different than you expect and that’s all part of the journey. I tried to remind myself of this often but there were plenty of times I felt exhausted, drained, and frustrated. Be sure to plan for wiggle room and rest days in your schedule, especially if it’s a longer trip with more travel like mine! You want to utilize your time but also keep in mind you won’t enjoy it if you’re still jet lagged or tired and hungry. I had some horrible migraines and trouble sleeping during my trip and it made a few of the days really difficult for me so I wish I had known this before I went!

The culture shock was real! I already mentioned how tiny everything is in Europe, but it was also amazing to me the way the people and culture varied, not only from the U.S., but also from each other. In France, people were overall kind, beautiful, and diverse in looks. Their lax drinking laws were amazing when we bought a bottle of wine in the park in front of the Effiel tower! In Italy, the culture is laid back and not necessarily harsh, but a bit intense. Less people spoke English here than in any other country we visited, so pick up some basics before you go on Duolingo! Overall though, the stereotype of Europeans being snobby was mostly true in my experience - so don’t take things personally! In Germany, you definitely see color far and few between, and people are harsher/not friendly. Like most places though, the younger generation is better and picking up on these universal things faster with connection through internet/social media. This observation while I was abroad really made me think about how incredible it is to really be one of the first generations to grow up with the internet. We are the most connected and globally aware generation ever because of this, and it allows us to have so much more in common despite how different where we live is.

I definitely experienced some culture shock (and severely missed air conditioning and ice in drinks) but I also realized that people truly do have more in common than we do differences. I also realized how huge of a privilege it is to be able to express individuality and have your hierarchy of needs met to a point where you’re concerned about self-realization and the such. I was expected Europe to be a lot more advanced, but seeing the way a lot of people still live there made me realize no where in the world is like America. We have insane privileges and abundant lives here that other people could hardly fathom - and not even the cliche of poor people in ‘third world’ countries - but even the middle classes of European countries can’t live the way Americans do. Not meaning this in any sort of nationalist way, but simply a reminder of our privilege and abundance in comparison to even the greatest other countries in the world. However, aside from that privilege check, this experience also taught me I need to minimize my consumption of stuff I don’t really need and end some unsustainable practices (like plastic consumption). Traveling makes you realize how much you really need vs. what you just buy to fill up space.

Another deeper thought I had while on this trip was really in conjunction with my trip to Iran last summer. Iran had places just as brilliant, historic, and tourist-worthy, yet it’s only places like the Effiel Tower and Venice that you see in movies or in a positive light. The Middle East and Africa have some of the most beautiful and ancient art, incredible nature, and are parts of the world worth exploring. It’s deeply saddening that it’s European colonialism that ruined these parts of the world and made them impoverished, corrupt, and dangerous, as they so appear to be by our Western media (because this is all they show us). If Iran was free from its government, it could be a major travel destination because it was honestly just as rich in culture and art than these famous places like Paris or Rome. If Egypt wasn’t colonized and all their things weren’t stolen or taken, it would be worthy of the world’s largest museums. This serves as a reminder that our world is still in the aftermath of colonialism and our mindsets about the world are still so deeply rooted in colonialism and Eurocentricity.

Overall, it was breathtaking to see places like the Berlin Wall, the Coloseum, Trevi Fountain, and Venice all in one trip. I ate some of the most unique and delicious food I’ve ever had, saw some of the oldest and most famous art and architecture, and got real with myself about things like environmental sustainability and Eurocentrism. I get what people mean when they say the world is their teacher, but I think the most incredible level of knowledge is achieved when that combines with education. If I could go back, I would have definitely studied abroad during my undergrad, but nonetheless the way my education elevated and contributed to my trip was something hard to describe. It’s really cool to step into an entirely new place but have some mental background that makes at least a few things familiar.

What will the world teach me next?

[parniarazi]

My first EDC was beyond words and I’m definitely basking in the afterglow. I am so grateful to be healthy, happy, graduated, and madly in love. I’m just grateful to be here and to be me. I never imagined I’d be where I am now or doing the things I am now. I got more than I asked for.

I started first getting into raves a few years ago because a friend and role model of mine from high school started traveling and going to festivals and I was constantly inspired by her. I also had just moved to a new city and started college, and was craving a community of like-minded individuals. I also always had a passion and love for music, combined with my new search for identity and meaning, I was so fortunate to find this community. With Pavel as my day one going to shows and fests with me since I moved here, I also always felt safe and comfortable enough to go to these events with him (as opposed to shitty party friends or something who would ditch me if shit went bad). I got involved with my college radio station and began blogging for them and attending events for free, which enabled me to do things I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Basically, I didn’t chose the rave life the rave life chose me!

I’m also glad I ended up going to EDC mostly sober. Although drugs have become a big part of rave culture, I think too many people use it as a reason to just get fucked up. Why spend hundreds of dollars on a festival you won’t even remember because you were too high or drunk? I’ve rolled and tripped at festivals before but honestly most of my favorite memories are from when I was just chilling. It’s fine to take safe doses, and it can definitely enhance your feelings/visuals, but only with intention and caution/awareness of your own body. I hope to roll again sometime, but I think it’s important to note that you don’t need to in order to have fun or feel all the magic there. You just have to bring your awareness and let go of your baggage and you’ll feel it whether you take drugs or not.

The biggest thing I’ve taken away from these amazing experiences - with EDC after graduation topping it off - is that life is just a trip. Enjoy the ride.

I grew up with pretty strict immigrant parents, and needless to say they’ve always imposed pressure on me in various ways (not always intentional) which ended up giving me immense anxiety every time I went out or did anything I felt like I wasn’t “supposed” to do. I’ve also always struggled with anxiety in general and needing to always feel in control of everything. I would overthink how others would perceive me and also had serious social anxiety. Going hand-in-hand with developing my spirituality, raving is so much deeper than most people think. It really helped me open up, learn to let go, and remember the importance of just living in joyful energy. These vibrant moments remind me that life is really beautiful. We get so caught up on daily things, what other people think, or what we should be doing next. Sometimes it’s just grounding to be in a sea of people and remember we’re really all the same. We’re all connected. We’re all searching for the same things.

Experiencing the absolutely powerful energy, deep love, and pure joy running through everyone at EDC was magical. We come as strangers, but we really do leave as a family. The positive messages that resonated with me from EDC remind me to practice empathy and kindness everyday. They remind me to slow down and remember how beautiful life is. They remind me that it’s not always so serious, and it’s okay to let go. They remind me to never stop nurturing my inner child and imagination. They remind me to be myself, because my uniqueness deserves to be celebrated. They remind me that I’m not alone even when I feel like an outcast because there are other people just like me out there.

Getting to travel and go to events like this all over the country is one of the most beautiful parts of my life and one of the things I’m most grateful for. It feeds my soul with so much inspiration. The feelings and memories I’ve collected will stay with me forever. My heart grew three sizes bigger this weekend. I can’t wait to continue deepening my connections to the world around me through music, love, and community.

[parniarazi]

Summer 2019 Goals

I’m leaving for EDC Las Vegas this week, and as I’m reaching this beautiful celebration of life, I thought it would be a good time to reflect and think about some of my goals for the remainder of the summer when I get back. 

When I return from EDC I’ll have a week to recover and see my brother graduate until we head out on a family trip to Europe! My goals for the Europe trip are to really embrace a sense of simplicity and minimalism. I’m going to have to pack extremely light for a nearly 3-week trip to 3 different countries, something I’ve never done before. Instead of relying on the comfort of physical things and familiar places, I want to be truly open to learning and experiencing something new. I want to turn inward, enjoy time with family, and gain a different perspective and inspiration from visiting some of the world’s landmarks. 

After we return from Europe I have about 2 months to work and save up some money for other travels and for the school year. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work close to 30 hours a week, and my goal is to pay for Pavel and I to go on a Colorado trip before school starts and to add at least $1,000 to my savings. I also want to simply enjoy working at this job for the last time because they’ve supported me and are the reason I was able to have money and travel throughout college. 

While I work and get to be home in Katy for summer, I also have some other smaller goals I want to achieve. 

✾ Complete 3 skillshare classes (along the lines of photography, mindfulness/meditation, marketing, and/or cooking)

✾ Play around with my camera more, take more photos, and really learn how to work with the settings

✾ Start swimming again and doing yoga every day to continue challenging myself physically and feeling and looking even better than ever

✾ Yoga sub-goal: be able to do 2 new poses (a new inversion and chin stand) as well as strengthen ones I already know (headstand, crow)

✾ Read all the books I have on my bookshelf but haven’t gotten to reading yet (I will try to finish one book every week to reach this goal)

✾ Listen to 2 podcasts every week

✾ Try a new recipe every week so I can learn how to make good food and nourish my body when I move out

✾ Meditate every day followed by journaling at least once or twice a week to stay connected, rooted, and aligned with my inner guidance

✾ Start moving into the townhome and personalizing/decorating it

✾ Try magic mushrooms

✾ Go on a day trip to Galveston

✾ Go on a weekend trip to Austin

✾ Get 2 new tattoos (side floral piece and shoulder mandala or inner arm piece)

I hope to accomplish and keep up these things so I can feel fully refreshed, aligned, and energized this summer to make the most of my time and keep expanding and growing so I can go into my first semester of grad school feeling physically and mentally at my best. Cheers to the best summer yet! 

[parniarazi]

It’s unreal to think this is really it and we made it to graduation! I remember moving to Houston, all the struggles of adjusting to the city, commuting, and managing school and work. I remember meeting Pavel at our orientation and our first date at the art museum before school started. I remember his freshman dorm and staying up late to study. It’s crazy how fast time moves as you get older. I’m so grateful that I got to have this journey, with all its ups and downs, because I am definitely a better human at the end of it. I am smarter, I am more confident in my abilities, I am more willing to step out of my comfort zone, and I am braver in taking leaps beyond what I thought I could accomplish. I can manifest my reality. I also know how to manage my time and money to make the shit I want happen. I’ve attended over a dozen festivals in the last 3 years (and dozens more shows) and definitely had incredibly fun trips and times with friends and family. Having this balance is what kept my positive, energetic, and ready to keep going. 

Life so beautifully works in your favor when you surrender to the flow and you believe in yourself and your worthiness to earn the things you dream of. When you let go of the past and any resistance (which I had to work on for a long time) the right situations and people will arise in your life. I didn’t know for the longest time what the best route for me would be after graduation, but I knew my strengths and decided to put my best application and attitude forward for graduate school. During this final undergraduate year was when I finally started feeling fully comfortable and a part of my campus community, so I also felt like the only right thing to do was stay here for grad school. I am so fortunate and grateful to be receiving funding and admission as part of an amazing political science program at UH. Even though it will be incredibly challenging, I love learning and how it gives me the tools to be a better advocate for the causes I care about and I hope that stays with me to motivate me throughout this upcoming journey. When I get to put Dr. in front of my name, it will be worth it. 

The university environment is so uplifting because I love being around other smart and aware young people (both now and in the future when I hopefully work at a university as an adult). Especially at a diverse campus like UH, I get to hear dozens of different languages spoken, see people from all walks of life here to better themselves and be around faculty who are genuinely passionate about what they do and care for their students. I’ve been supported and encouraged so much throughout the last year as I was applying for grad school and I am looking forward to giving that same energy back to other young people pursuing their passions. At graduation, it was beautiful to see all the black and brown faces celebrating this incredible milestone in their lives and I want to spend my life making sure everyone has access to higher education. I am grateful to have ended up at UH by pure luck as the universe had it because it was the perfect place to build on my already existing interests and passions. 

Above all, I’m grateful for my beautiful family's constant support and Pavel for doing this whole thing together. Without the emotional and financial support my family provided me, I literally could not have done this. They are everything. I also could not have done this without Pavel’s constant help in making life easier for me and pushing me to reach my potential. The way he supports me, listens to me, makes efforts to better himself, and literally gives me all the love I could imagine is how I know he is meant to be my life partner. I trust him with everything and can’t wait to take on every new chapter in life with him. 

I am a little bit in disbelief still because it’s one of those things you think about and look forward to for a long time and then it happens so fast it almost leaves you spinning. 

Life is so beautiful and it feels so good to have accomplished this and had all the people I love healthy and happy by my side to celebrate with me this past weekend. 

[parniarazi]

March flew by so quickly, but it was full of incredible experiences and love. I’m so grateful for everything in my life, but especially for these moments that make my heart swell with pure joy and love for the world. It’s really a gift just be alive, but this month was really ‘work hard, play hard.’ 

I’ve been overwhelmed and anxious about school, graduating, and what my plans are for next year. Although it can still be stressful and difficult to get through everything I need to do sometimes, I’m so happy to start seeing my work and efforts pay off. This month I got accepted in my PhD program and with a tuition fellowship, which has been my goal nearly all of undergrad. Attending my grad orientation and becoming more familiar with the department and program has made me feel so exhilarated and confident about my choices and the path I’m pursuing. Being surrounded by thoughtful, educated people and being in a rigorous academic environment is going to help me grow so much, and although I know it will be difficult and a serious commitment, I’m glad to be at a point where I trust and know that what I’m doing is right for me. I still think about other things I would be good at doing (ex. pursing journalism or marketing) but at the end of the day I trust in the universe and the path I’m on, and I know my options are always open as long as my heart and mind are, too. 

The good news from grad school was the highlight of my month for sure because all the work for the GRE and application I put in was worth it. But I’m also incredibly grateful looking back at these beautiful experiences I was able to have this month, too. I got to attend SXSW for the first time and it was so wonderful and inspiring. I loved the small shows, the local yet international duality, and the progressive thinking and industries represented. It was really cool to experience this conference as opposed to the typical festivals I go to, and it’s something I genuinely grew and learned lots from that week. I also got to go home to Buku again, which always has a place in my heart because it was the first ‘edm’ festival I attended years ago, and it’s the hallmark of me falling in love with this music counterculture and with Pavel. It’s the only festival that legitimately feels like home and reminds me why celebrating individuality, art, love, and expression are so important. Getting to travel with new friends was also great, and I’m so happy I’m finally making genuine connections on my own after the last few years of feeling lonely and isolated in terms of friendship.

Speaking of genuine connections, Pavel and I have had our share of fights in the last few months, but I’m more confident than ever in our relationship and future. He has been there for me 100% over the last few years, supported me through my hardest times, and given me all the love and care I could ever imagine. It’s not easy to find people as outstanding and genuinely good as him. My heart feels like it’s glowing when I’m with him, and all the cheesiness of love songs/stories feel so relatable. I’ve never felt like I can be so authentically myself around anyone but him, and he brings out the best in me. Being in love with him is probably the best thing the Universe has gifted me with thus far, and our future is a constant source of inspiration for me. I’m so fortunate to be living in love like this and to have a partner through all the chaos of life. I am young, my heart is overflowing with love, and I see so much beauty in everyone and everything around me - and at times being in a relationship made me feel like I had to close off parts of myself that were feeling this way. Recently though, as Pavel and I have grown closer, matured, and began making more friends I’ve realized it doesn’t have to feel like a sacrifice to be with him. I deserve and can still have all the platonic love and deep connections I crave with other people, while both of us are still committed to building our life together. It’s a process, but I believe our human capacity for love isn’t and shouldn’t be confined by a romantic relationship. I’m glad to share love with my parents, friends, and someday kids. Getting a taste of pure love with Pavel has only made me more addicted and in search of expanding and sharing this intoxicating feeling of love with more people. I hope someday we can have a close friend group who become family, and then an actual family of our own. 

A lot of people chase money, chase what they’ve been taught ‘success’ is, and chase a vision that’s hollow. If there’s anything I’ve learned by reflecting on my experiences this past month is that creative expression, constantly learning, and genuine human connections are (and should always be) the most valuable things in life. Where I live, what job I have, or how much money I have doesn’t matter at all if I don’t feel satisfied in my connections and soul. I think as long as I am tapped into my heart and intuition, and I continue to let compassion and love flow freely from my mind, I will continue to live a life of abundance and success. Here’s to a busy month with ups and downs, but an incredible one nonetheless. 

Looking forward, I hope to establish more of a routine with work and school so I can put my in best to finish the semester strong, both financially and academically. With this, I also hope to create a little more time in my schedule to cultivate mindfulness, gratitude, and introspection. God isn’t some mysterious man in the sky, but instead is the pure source of light and love inside of each of us. We just have to connect with and develop stronger relationships with ourselves sometimes to unlearn all the bullshit and uncover that connection to higher energy that’s inside all of us. Even with all the frenzy of life happening so quickly around us all the time, making spirituality and caring for myself a priority has led me to live a much life healthier overall. Developing a spiritual system and beliefs of my own over the last few years has really helped me so much in all aspects of life, and I really hope to keep expanding these beliefs through my life experiences. Cheers the growth, success, and love I have thus far. I am endlessly grateful, and it’s only going to get better from here. 

[parniarazi]

reflections & gratitude...

I’ve been feeling washed over with gratitude over the last few days thinking about where I am now compared to where I used to be, and things have changed beyond what I could have imagined. On the other hand though, I always could imagine it. Even when things were hard growing up, when I felt lost, or even hopeless when I was younger, I always had a vision for things getting better in the future. I trusted that it would, and just did my best put effort into the things that felt right in aligning with that vision. 

Things rarely turn out the way you want or expect them to though, and I’m really starting to see the beauty in that chaos. I think that’s really a part of accepting adulthood now, as opposed to struggling to grip reality from a nostalgic teenage point of view as I’m often guilty of doing. 

It’s crazy to think that I’m 21 now. I’m going to SXSW and other huge music festivals and events this year. I’m doing well in college and on my way to grad school. I’ve made incredible connections. I’m more confident and so in love with life. There was a time when I didn’t even think I’d make it to 21, much less be doing all of this incredible shit. There are times I still doubt myself, and my ability to be smart enough or be able to make it to where I want. I’ve started thinking about what my teenage self would think of where I am now though, and let me tell you, 15-year old Parnia couldn’t have imagined this. We’ve come a long way from sneaking out to tiny shows in Wichita and sneaking boys over. 

I’m so incredibly grateful to be who I am, for my unique evolution and contributions. I’m so grateful to be experiencing this tiny slice of the universe right now. I’m grateful for things to be the way they are, for me to be where I am, for the people and hardships that have shaped me along the way. It feels so good to feel in your soul that you’re on your divine path, being your most authentic self. It wasn’t just meant to be, or results of fate. It was me growing into my fullest potential as a person - to live a dynamic, healthy, and abundant life. It was me putting in the energy and effort towards the things that felt right and necessary, holding onto that vision, even as it shifts and changes. So cheers to that, and cheers to making it here. But above all, cheers to the journey and where it will go. 

It’s truly beautiful chaos. I’m so in love with it, and so ready to enjoy this ride of life with more gratitude, mindfulness, and love than ever. 

[parniarazi]

anxiety, discomfort & the unknown

The lifelong struggles I’ve had with anxiety have really been up and down, it’s been a ride to say the least. Over the years, I’ve gotten better at managing it and knowing how to take care of myself. It’s ironic though, recently I was thinking about the progress I’ve made but today it feels like it’s hitting me and weighing me down like a ton of bricks on my chest. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately. I am hopeful and motivated, but at the same time I feel so heavy and weighed down. I am honestly terrified of being in the grey area where everything is unknown even 6 months from now. I don’t know what I’ll be doing after I graduate, I don’t know if I will be able to move out, I don’t know what the future of my 3-year relationship will be. All of this is so scary to me, because for the last few years the future has been much more predictable and steady, but I feel like now I’m at sort of an impasse. 

I just feel uncomfortable and out of it. I feel tired of everything. My heart feels heavy and hurt. I want to make progress and move forward more than anything, because I’m tired of feeling stagnant, but I just don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to do that right now. I want to feel my soul on fire, that burning feeling of aliveness and deep love/gratitude for being where you are in the moment. I’ve felt it before, and that’s what makes not having it now even more painful. I miss it and I don’t know how to go back to that place or how to move forward and find it again. 

It’s not only that things feel unknown and unclear, but that it’s hard to even detangle my own mess of feelings, fears, and desires in order to make important decisions to change the state of my situation now. With how unclear my mind feels, I honestly don’t know how to release the tension I’m dealing with and find a place of clarity (that I desperately need in order to make decisions I’m confident in). The last few months have been difficult from me, from studying for my GRE, to having a mediocre winter break, to getting seriously sick, to starting a stressful final semester of college, to dealing with problems in my relationship. Everything feels like it’s hurting me to the point where I feel unsure about what I even want and why I’m doing anything I’ve been doing. I feel like I’m seriously lacking inspiration, creativity, and affection (externally) and lacking clarity and confidence (internally). 

I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions at this important turning point in my life, and feeling regret later. The older I get the more decisions I have to make for myself, and it’s scary to feel unsure about things that will impact the rest of my life. How am I supposed to know what to do when I just feel like crying and/or throwing up all the time? How am I supposed to go about my days without my anxiety consuming me? How am I supposed to deal with feeling the most alone and lonely I have in a long time?

I’m hoping that, despite how much it may hurt at times, that being alone and spending more of my energy on myself will serve me in the long run by helping me find some of the clarity and confidence that I need. And then, the external aspects will fall into place too. Getting older is scary and life is a ride. I can’t wait until the highest version of me gets to shine through and reveal herself. I can’t wait until I feel that deep, inspirational, life-changing love again. The kind that heals and moves you. It feels like a trip, even being on this earth right now with billions of other creatures going through the same, or entirely different, shit right now. Not only am I muddling through my own problems, but because I’m a natural empath, the energy of others impacts me so much, too. This is another reason I think maybe having more time alone will benefit me right now, so I can be less affected by others’ energies and find some clarity. To add on to all of the things I’m dealing with right now, I also get seasonal depression and feel a bit down and out of it every year around this time. I crave spending days in the sun and feeling warm again.

The only thing I can tell myself that helps a little is that this pain and struggling is not for nothing. It has a purpose in helping me grow on my path. It will serve me in some important ways that maybe I don’t know yet. My intuition, my gut feelings, will guide me in deciding what is right or wrong. When it comes, I will know. I am working on simply trusting myself. Loving myself enough to let go of people, patterns, and things that hurt me. Finding clarity through all the mess. Breathing through all the pain. I have to keep telling myself that I can’t harvest the fruit of something I just planted yesterday. It takes time and consistent effort to grow. 

[parniarazi]

doing the inner work & healing

Lately I’ve been very focused on external goals, not necessarily a negative thing, but by doing so I’m forgetting the balance I need by also working on my internal growth and healing. As it’s my final undergraduate semester and I’m feeling pressure all around to make something of myself in my academic/professional life, as well as reaching some real adult shit in my relationship. This pressure has been taking all my focus to the external and material measures of success. When will I get a job and salary to be able to support myself? When will I move out and be able to have a nice place? When will I be able to travel? When will I achieve the body/looks that I desire? 

These are all important things in life, no doubt, and it’s definitely important that I keep working towards them. This past week, getting back into the semester and busy flow of school/work with these additional growing pains/anxieties on my mind, it’s been hard to manage. I haven’t been feeling like myself and my mind has been so caught up in these thoughts about my future that I’ve lost sight of other important things in my life. 

I definitely have a solid routine of self-care I’ve established over the years. I make myself breakfast, I take baths, I journal and meditate. I’m usually all good when I’m alone in my own little bubble. But another crucial part of growth and success is not external, it’s internal. What am I like when I’m around others? Why do I compare myself to others and drag my own confidence down? Why do I react the way I do? Why do I carry the energies of others with me? What parts of my internal self are screaming for attention and healing? These self-care routines cannot be mindless, and they cannot be nearly as beneficial if they aren’t paired with doing real, internal work. 

In addition to my goals regarding school, work, moving out, and my physical health, I also need to make it a serious priority to do the internal work to heal and be a better person. I need to let go of the controlling and obsessive compulsions that take over my mind. I need to accept that imperfection, mistakes, and failure are all part of life and all completely okay. I need to let go of past ties or emotional repression from my past, in order to move forward into better friendships and a better life. I need to find a balance between working toward my vision, but also accepting that it will change and embracing things that may be different than I imagined. I need to truly surrender to the Universe, because I know she has my back. I know things are set in motion for me to succeed and have everything I imagined and more. I just need to let go of any fear and doubt that is holding me back, and channel the strength and confidence I need to step onto my path. 

The full moon / blood moon last night felt very powerful, and through her energy I felt an awakening and a rebirth. I felt a shift, telling me to be more open and to truly pay attention to my inner workings. To live my best life, I don’t need money and a perfect body. I need to heal from my compulsions and fears. I need to let go of judgement and comparison. I need to walk the talk, and truly make mindfulness, love, and kindness the foundations of my life. I need to stop letting my ego take control, and let the light of my soul shine through instead.  

Whenever I’m feeling ego and compulsion creeping up on me, I need to reevaluate the situation and my reactions. I need to take mindfulness and gratitude to a deeper level. I want to step into the light and let love guide my thoughts and actions. Balancing out my external desires and goals with this inner healing is crucial to working towards my higher self. 

I’m going to challenge myself to come back to this in my meditation and journaling practice everyday. Asking myself, what did I do today to work on letting go of this consuming ego and darkness? What did I do today to practice more mindfulness and love in my life? It is a process, but I cannot overlook the importance of inner healing, for myself and others. By doing this work to heal and make ourselves better, we are also setting the standard/expectation for others to do so, too. Trauma, ego, pain, all shit we don’t need in 2019 and beyond. To be the best version of myself, I need to shine from the inside out.