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I feel like ugly crying all the time. I may have said this in other posts, but I feel like crying like a parent who lost a small child.

I called out of work today and yesterday because of it. That I'm scheduled off for 3 days. Giving myself a whole week to wallow and pity. Isolation is absolutely the worst thing I can do when I'm feeling like this but I also don't know what else to do.

I don't know how to reach out for help. And the one person I want to reach out to now feels like the wrong person. She gets freaked out and uncomfortable at any sign of real emotion. But more importantly I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I don't want to feel exposed or embarrassed by talking about what's on my mind.

That one friend actually reached out to me yesterday. When she saw that I called out of work she texted to ask if I was okay. Told me I can call her to talk about it if I wanted to. But then when I called, I didn't give myself the space to talk about what's on my mind. Instead I let her carry the conversation. It still helped though. Just to hear another voice in my head besides my own. And it was nice to know that somebody noticed I was going for a day. But I want someone that can just lay down on my burdens too. I want someone nearby. Someone who can hold me when I cry.

I've talked about this feeling for probably as long as I've had this blog. But lately it feels worse than ever. Stronger than ever.

I don't know how to exactly explain this feeling that I'm feeling. And I probably already said this in other posts.

Feels like I'm mourning something. Or someone. This feeling of deep emptiness. Mourning a life I haven't had, mourning people I haven't met.

It's been a pretty consistent feeling for a few months now.

annotated-dc

BATMAN: BAD SEEDS: GOTHAM GENERAL #1

Written by GREG RUCKA Art and cover by ROSA EKEDAL Variant covers by JAVI FERNÁNDEZ and MITCH GERADS Bad Seeds spot foil variant cover by DUSTIN NGUYEN $4.99 US | 32 pages | 1 of 2 | Variant $5.99 US (card stock) | Variant $7.99 US (foil) ON SALE 9/9/26

Welcome to General, Gotham City’s tier one trauma center.

Power is out, fires are burning, transpo is shot, and the calls just keep coming. There are more patients than beds, half presenting with respiratory complications, the other half suffering hallucinogenic psychotic episodes. In every other emergency department in the DCU, this would be a catastrophe.

For Dr. Ava Dastur and the men and women working at General, it’s a Tuesday.

DC Comics is pleased to introduce you to the staff of Gotham General. No capes, no costumes, and don’t call them heroes—this is their job.

Ohhh, yeah Greg Rucka kind of had a preview of this in I think one of the Detective Comic anthology specials? I'm down with them potentially doing an on-going based in a Gotham hospital potentially. :)

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

If it has out and proud queer and/or trans characters in it like a lot of Rucka's other work does I will be buying it <3

I feel dumb.

I feel pathetic.

I feel like crying all the time.

Nothing's really changed. There isn't some new kind of problem.

It's the same feeling that I've always had. This crushing overwhelming sense of loneliness that's become a physical ache throughout my body. So fucking dumb to admit it. It's certainly nothing new. Just seems to be hitting a lot harder recently. I've talked about this another posts, I've made a new friend and I've been getting closer and that's just been reminding me of how fucking alone I've been.

I'm not in a good place today. It's another one of those days where I feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. I don't Charlie know why. Same shit have been posting about though. Just feeling lonely and displaced in life.

I need money for nothing. I need a big chunk of cash from a scratch off ticket or something. And I need to take a vacation somewhere. I need to get out of my own life, out of my hometown, out of my own skin, I need to be someone else for a little while. I don't think it'll help, but it might be a decent distraction for a little while.

I don't know how to exactly explain how I've been feeling lately. I've already said a lot of it in recent previous text posts though. There's nothing new or different today. I'm just really feeling it.

Going back through all of my old posts, ever since I started this website, everything just seems so sad. Talking about being lonely for decades.

Whenever I try to talk to other people about it, mostly just venting frustrations, they all say that I need to put myself out there and meet more people. Out where? Where do I go? Limited options and driving distance, and an odd schedule, and on those rare occasions I do force myself to go somewhere, I just end up sitting alone in the corner playing with my phone pretending to text somebody.

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I matched with somebody on a dating app a couple days ago. Hinge.

It was actually someone that was friends with my sister when growing up. So that was a nice icebreaker. She seems nice. And she's very cute. So I want to see where this goes.

But I'm so bored. Conversation is very simple and polite so far.

At what point can you start asking people about their kinks and fantasies? How soon can I make things weird?

I've heard of an app called feeld that looks like it's designed specifically for that. But when I tried it there wasn't enough people in my area

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She's kind of terrible at texting. Show responses it doesn't give me enough to work with.

But also no one else wants me. I don't meet people. And it's where for me to get matches on these apps.

I matched with somebody on a dating app a couple days ago. Hinge.

It was actually someone that was friends with my sister when growing up. So that was a nice icebreaker. She seems nice. And she's very cute. So I want to see where this goes.

But I'm so bored. Conversation is very simple and polite so far.

At what point can you start asking people about their kinks and fantasies? How soon can I make things weird?

I've heard of an app called feeld that looks like it's designed specifically for that. But when I tried it there wasn't enough people in my area

Somebody I know has been going through something. There's been a lot of drink in the past few days. I hung out with her for a bit before work yesterday, then she called me a couple times while I was at work, then I hung out with her for a bit after work.

She's an alcoholic. I mean I don't have a ton of experience with that but I'm assuming she would meet the clinical criteria for it. There's no denying it now. I've always known she likes to drink. I've always known she doesn't recognize her limits. But I've seen a lot that past couple of days. There's no doubt.

Anyway, I tried to check on her this morning but her phone was off. Knocked on the door and she didn't answer. Dropped a coffee off and some food to someone else she lived with. She called me back about 20 minutes later.

While we were on the phone, just talking about whatever, somehow it came up that one of her exes was really into feet. I told her that she's mentioned it before and that I know she's very skilled with her feet. She's like "what, did I jerk you off with them or something?". And I said no. She just mentioned it in another conversation before. It was something that guy was into and she tried it with him and she was good at it. I reminded her that we haven't actually done anything yet. She flirts with me like crazy every time she's drunk but I'm not comfortable crossing that line with somebody who's not going to remember it afterwards. I keep telling her to call me up when she's sober, invite me over when she's sober, if she wants to drink after I get there then fine. But I need to know she's making clear choices first.

We moved on to talk about other things and I left it at that. But God damn. It's heartbreaking and scary that somebody is so used to doing things with her body and not remembering it that they can just laugh about it afterwards. She just assumed that we've fucked and she doesn't remember and she's okay with that. It's even scarier to me that she's so used to people in her life being okay with that. I imagine every guy she's been with is okay with her drinking and fucking. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

She's been flirting with me like crazy for well over a year at this point. We've exchanged pictures. We've talked a lot about the things we like and the things we're willing to do to each other. There was one night where we made out and I went down on her. We both had some drinks. But this happened hours and hours and hours and hours after the last drink. She was flirting with me before I even got to pick her up that night, all over me at the bar, and I kept telling her no. And when we were at her place I still kept telling her no for a while. But eventually the drinks were wearing off and it seemed like she was sobering up and she's the one that took my hand and put it where she wanted it like she started it.

So it's not unreasonable for her to think she's had some drinks and that we've done stuff. But it's still heartbreaking that she's so used to not remembering what she's done that she'll laugh about it afterwards.

Since I've been getting to know her there's a lot of red flags that I was okay with. A lot of stuff that I recognized from people I've known in the past. A lot that I was prepared for. And a lot that's still frustrating but I think I can handle. But I'm not used to somebody who drinks this much. I'm not trying to navigate it.

I've been alone forever. Anyone on here has been following me for a while knows that, or you could just scroll through some of my old posts. I've complained about it often.

But as much as it sucks, as long as I've been, I was also kind of used to it. Then about 3 years ago my best friend passed. And then last year one of my other long-time friends ghosted me. And then I was more alone than ever. But for a little while at least I got through it cuz I was also a full-time caregiver to my dad. Putting so much mental energy into somebody else meant I didn't have time to feel for myself. And then he passed.

I'm not sure how to put this into words exactly but I have been loneliest I've ever been in my whole life. But I was also weirdly used to it. It hurt but I was fine. I was still functioning at least. I accepted my place in life.

And then the past few months I started talking to someone new. A co-worker I've been sort of friends with for years. We exchanged numbers and started talking more often. Hung out about five times now outside of work. And there was a while there worth felt kind of amazing. Calling and texting often. But then whenever it felt like we had an exceptionally good time, then she would back away again. I'd spend about a week or so worried that I've done something wrong. And then we talk it out and she'd reassure me I had nothing to do with me.

This time it feels different though. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with me now. But even that still hurts, cuz it feels like she's going through something and I'm hurt that she doesn't turn to me. I can't put my finger on exactly what and she hasn't told me any details. But it feels like she's on a self-destructive path lately. She's also talking to somebody else and still spends time with an ex. Those things alone wouldn't bother me so much. She's always said she doesn't want a relationship right now. We never made any promises to each other. But knowing that she's spending time with them while also feeling like something's off makes me worried she's spending time with them for the wrong reasons. She's told me some stuff about the accident makes me uncomfortable for her.

There was about 2 months or so that I was really really hopeful that we were building towards something. No I'm not so sure. Obviously I still care about this person. I believe that she cares about me and her way. I believe we could still have a great friendship. But it doesn't look like it's heading down the path I was hoping for.

And what really fucking hurts is that this whole thing is a stark reminder of how fucking alone I am. Going through all of this with her while I didn't have anyone else to confide in or turn to for advice. Because I didn't have anyone to call me down during a panic attack, I just made me overly obsessed over every nuanced petty little thing that happened between us. I don't blame her for that. That's on me. I need to have more of my own life.

But I'm 42 fucking years old. I have an odd schedule so it's hard to be out around other people. Crippling anxiety. Constantly drained of my energy. No matches on those apps, hell, a lot of those apps keep telling me that they run out of people.

I feel like I've been in a constant anxiety attack for 2 weeks now. Body is shaking.

I just really fucking miss having that one person I can reach out to 24/7.

I'm feeling the urge to shave my head and tattoo of my face

The only thing stopping me from a mental breakdown is the fact that I can't afford to take time off work

I don't matter to her as much as I thought I did. Yeah, it's very early days. But I thought we were building towards something. And maybe we are, but not quite how I was hoping. Or maybe just not at all

I started the almost feel a little bit better. Is days long anxiety attack started to ease up.

But then I just had another hypothetical thought pop into my head and now I'm spinning out again

I'm not in a good state of mind today. I don't really know why.

Some of it might just be a bad reaction to some supplements I've been taken for my IBS. Feeling amped up and anxious. Couldn't sleep last night. Now I'm tired on top of that all.

Also I've been talking to somebody new lately. Just talking. Still know if they want to date me or just see me as a friend but either way it's been nice to have someone to connect with. But then there's ups and downs. The downs just being times where it feels like she's backing away and I don't know why. So that's messing with my head today. Not because of her but because I realized when this happens I don't have anyone else to turn to. Not really. The people that have mattered the most to me in my life are long gone. I miss having that bestie I can turn to anytime day or night. And I'm feeling so isolated without it.

I called out of work today because I just wasn't feeling right for it. Tried to get out of my house for a bit but it was just too fucking hot. So now I don't know what I'm doing.

Trying magnesium supplements for today's only my second day. And something feels weird. It's like it's triggering my anxiety. Or making my anxieties worse.

Somebody I know is having some incredibly minor car problems.

I sent her a text telling her to come by my place after work so I can look at it. I can see that she opened it, but she didn't respond.

So then it's been a couple hours overthinking it. Maybe I phrased poorly. I was trying to keep my texts short because I have a habit of writing too much. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I seemed demanding.

So then I send another one, apologizing if I seemed rude. Explaining what I wanted to look at and why. And the fact that I bought a part for it.

She didn't respond to that one either. I can see that she opened it though.

So now I'm spiraling out on dumb stupid anxiety issues. Constantly feeling like I'm too much. Constantly feel like I'm bothering other people when I reach out. She's probably just busy. Or, more likely for her, too ADHD to remember to respond to me. Since we've been talking more I've had so many occasions when I'm letting my anxieties take over, and then as soon as I see her in person everything's fine. I just keep thinking the worst because I can't help it.

I'm not a good head space at the moment. Not just because of that.

I'm really really missing a friend of mine. Someone who passed a few years ago. She's the one I used to talk to you all day everyday constantly. She's the one I would normally call when my anxieties were getting bad. Now I just feel like I'm constantly alone.

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part two of three