I don't like what's happening to us lately. I don't like it, not even one bit. Hell, I even resent it. I hate it.
Life is a mess for me all the more lately. You'd never know what it's like, not even when you try your hardest to fit yourself in my shoes. You got a whole different life than I. You never can and you never will.
Was it a mistake on your part as you would always shy away and disappear whenever I needed you the most? Was it a mistake on my part as I would always push people away whenever I'd fall deep down in this rut I keep on coming back to? Was it a mistake on your part as you would never pull me back to you whenever I will? Was it a mistake on my part for not thinking about how you would feel too as I push you away repeatedly when I know I needed you the most?
We can go on with a million questions, with a million reasons to just quit it. To just quit us and make things simpler.
But, as I take in a long drag of my eighth cigarette today, I try my bestest to push all those thoughts away. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of us.
I have a lot more to think about. I have a lot more to do. I can't continuously fuck up my life. I am ready to fight now. Life can bring me all the setbacks it can to me now, but I won't let all of those stop me now.
The sparks from my lit cigarette starts to fade out.
It's running out. It's already pushed to its very edge, down to its line.
I press it against the wall, making a dark stain.
I start to loosen up the grip in between my index finger and the finger right next to my ring.
My ring. My ring that you gave me on that fateful day you decided you want to tell everyone in the world that I am yours, and you are mine.
It falls down momentously, and faster it went down as it reached the ground floor from the eighth.
I retrieve my pack of newly bought cigarettes.
I have been used to always buying the same pack as you would, the one dressed in white and gold.
Light. Innocence. Perfection.
But this time, I got the pack I actually wanted. The one I always used to get before the day I first saw my reflection in your eyes.
I only ever bought your usual pack because, well, its smell reminds me of you and the little breaks we would always sneak in in between spontaneous date nights, family gatherings, and lazy Sundays.
I guess I've gotten used to not being with you anymore.
This pack, instead of white and gold, is stained with red.
Attraction. Passion. Love. Anger. Resent.
Remember the last time you and I lit our cigarettes together, right here in this very spot?
I carelessly placed the pack of white and gold upon the ledge of this balcony. The wind suddenly blew, and swiftly took the pack away together with its strong gust. It's a funny moment now, but a miserable one at that moment.
It's still there. Right above the roof of a neighbor down the ground floor.
It looks unrecognizable now, with dark stains all over it, the label totally covered up, after weeks and weeks of heavy downpour. It's amazing though, how it still stayed on the very same spot on where it fell. But I guess it's just physics. All the water that got into it made it very heavy, thus making it immovable. Despite it's already probably soggy texture, it still refuses to move as it has become way too heavy and strong to go with the winds still.
As more days go by, all the more that no one will ever recognize that it's just a cigarette pack once clad in white and gold, with eighteen sticks still snugly sitting inside.
But I know it's that one pack that I lost because of my carelessness. Only I know. Only you and I will ever know.
I softly push the crisp red top of my fresh pack, and get another stick.
I retrieve a lighter from my pocket.
But it won't start a flame.
I try and try, until the lightest spark can't even make it through.
No one's around. Not even I can catch a glimpse of my eyes glistening.
A soft breeze blows. And after days and days of feeling numb and lost, a soft breeze is all it took for a tear to finally fall down from my eye.
gamechangershow
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
jimmyeatworldofficial
turnnoffyourmind
amandla
