Honestly… the biggest thrill about being Dexter was all the cleverness and hiding in plain sight moreso than the murders themselves. There’s a certain kind of self-satisfied smug that comes from getting away with it scores of times.
Is it weird to be a little jealous of those with headmates? Don’t envy the trauma that usually begets systems, but it’s always appealed to me to have other people living in my head with me.
What a strange seven years it’s been! I created this blog to explore my Dexterkin feelings and since then I have kinfirmed it and started piecing together memories. I’ve met a few people from my source including kintwins, come and go from several kincords, and commissioned a decent amount of art related to being Dexter.
Today, Dexter is an important part of my inner mythos, and the kin feelings remain strong, although more controlled than when I was first experiencing all those feelings for the first time. I have no idea why I am the way I am, but I get the feeling that something about the act of passionately creating works of fiction is inherently a magical act and can literally change reality.
Am I crazy? Almost certainly. Am I able to keep myself together and function as a self sufficient adult? Yep. Regardless of the origin of my fictionkin feelings, they are real and significant to me, even if it’s nonsense to others.
I will continue to document significant discoveries and experiences related to the alternate lives I live parallel to this one. I do this almost exclusively for my own benefit, but if it helps anyone else I would be glad.
I love Dexter dreams!!!! Tonight was a bit of an AU to even my own canon, but I still enjoyed getting to be myself again in my body and brain. Felt good, felt right. Holding on to that feeling today as I live my very different (but arguably infinitely better) life.
Context: Brian has just busted me, Dexter, out of jail and we are on our escape route in a stolen vehicle, about to move onto our next phase of getting the hell out of Miami.
I must have fallen asleep during the drive, because I remember looking at Brian in the driver’s seat, small determined smile resting on his lips, then suddenly time had passed- we were stopped and he gave me a friendly shove.
“We’re here.” he handed me a canvas duffle bag. I groggily took it from him unquestioningly. I looked around. We were parked under a canopy of palm trees, in shadow and hidden from view of the road. Ahead of us through the windshield was the ocean, blazingly bright sunlight dancing across the water. The heat of the air rippled persistently.
I looked in the bag. “A costume?” I asked, grimacing a little as I pulled out a tie-dyed Mickey Mouse t-shirt.
Enjoying my discomfort, Brian grinned. “We gotta. Can’t have anyone recognizing us. Get changed.” He pulled off his shirt and started putting on a button-down neon Hawaiian print shirt. I inwardly sighed and started pulling out the rest of the outfit.
“Come on… a wig?” I groaned as I held up a shaggy blonde wig. Between that, the bucket hat, and the red Crocs he picked out for me, I was beginning to think Brian was purposefully trying to get under my skin.
Brian smirked as he tucked his curly hair into a baseball cap and put a cheap camera on a strap around his neck. “You want to get out of Miami, right?”
I begrudgingly put on the rest of the outfit and finished with some sunglasses to hide my eyes. Brian did the same, he had a pair of aviators that he donned. “So what, are we going to get on a cruise or something?”
“Not quite- I have a plan.” he said with an air of authority.
From there, our discussion fades into hazy static, and my consciousness returns to my waking body.
It was suggested by several panelists at Othercon that we alter-humans should write essays/blog about our experiences. It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything in depth about being alter-human, so here is information on my own personal experiences of being a wolf in a human body. Namely, what it’s like to be a wolf- the feelings and experiences I have that may be different from someone who isn’t a wolf therian.
I identify as a red wolf, in addition to being a human. In my youth I denied my humanity, but I can’t escape the fact that I have a human’s body and brain, and that brain colors every thought and sensory input I experience. The two are inextricably linked forever. The wolf side of me is as real and influential as the human side, I am the product of a blending of the two. My alter-humanity usually doesn’t tangibly affect my day to day goings on- enough that I know it’s there, and it’s probably shaped my particular idiosyncrasies as a person. These days those two parts of me are fairly harmonious with one another and usually don’t cause major problems.
As a wolf in a human body, I do experience body dysmorphia. I suspect part of the reason it took so long for me to come out as trans was because I have always been bothered by this physical body and my ideal form, a wolf, is fully unattainable. My species dysmorphia makes me feel like being bipedal is unnatural, top-heavy, ungainly. I am bothered that running causes so much stress to the human body, when wolves run basically all day every day. If I try to go down to all fours, my proportions are all wrong, and I am heavy and ungainly and fall over. It’s very frustrating. I can see perfectly in my mind’s eye how I should be structured, I imagine long drawn out transformation sequences where I take on my ideal shape. Sometimes I just find the human body to be so damn unappealing, horrible short face with flat teeth and creepy toes. Long legs, short arms, hairless. Unsettling. I miss being able to smell and hear like a wolf- having this human sense of smell is like looking through a tiny blurry scratched up porthole compared to what I could smell as a wolf. I try in vain to sniff the wind and decipher the messages carried on the breeze. I can gain little to no information from my pitiful human nose. Thumbs are pretty cool though.
I have experienced involuntary mental shifts throughout my life- if you don’t experience them or are otherwise unfamiliar with this term, it’s basically when primate brain takes a back seat and I am compelled by the wolf’s brain instead. Or at least, as close as I can get to wolf mode while being powered physically by a human’s body and brain. How I act in a mental shift is entirely dependent on my mood and the situation. If I’m comfy with friends when I have shifted, I fight the impulse to nip at them playfully and jaw wrestle with them. If I’m with my partner, I might shoulder-check them affectionately or roll on them. With anybody besides my partner, I do resist the impulse to be physical because it could easily be interpreted as romantic intent and is usually a step too far over people’s boundaries when it’s humans doing it to each other. When I am overwhelmed or scared in a shift, my wolf brain races, and I cower down as small as I can make myself and look for the nearest exit. It might become hard for me to stand fully upright, and I will go very quiet. I tend to yelp when startled suddenly, like it someone comes up to me from behind and puts their hand on my shoulder. Mental shifts don’t always have to be associated with extreme moods either- I purposefully try to put myself into wolf headspace on solo walks. On these wolf walks, I quiet my noisy internal narrative and let the wolf observe everything around it in detail through my senses. This headspace is a rare example of me voluntarily shifting- my shifts are usually completely involuntary.
In addition to mental shifts, I experience phantom shifts as well. This is when I feel parts of the wolf’s body that I don’t have in human form. Mainly ears and tail for me, since they’re so integral to wolf communication. When I phantom shift I will often “feel” my pointed wolf ears swiveling different directions on my head. I will sometimes point both my ears at whoever in the room is speaking to be polite and show that I am paying attention… never mind the fact nobody can actually see my wolf ears. My tail has a bit of a life of it’s own… I used to feel it more as a phantom extension of my spine, but over the years, I unwittingly put the tail wagging into my foot. So I will tap or wag my foot with delight when happy, or rapid tap it if I’m anxious. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time until I hear the thumping sound my foot makes. I like it though, wagging my phantom tail and hearing a thumping makes me feel like I’m actually wagging a real tail that’s hitting the floor or my chair as it moves.
Dreams have been a very important way my wolf side emerges. Dreams helped me along the way to first discovering I was a therian. I used to be plagued by nightmares when I was a kid. I would be chased by something and would fall down and not be able to get back up. I would hobble slowly away on my knees trying desperately to get back up and escape while the monster loomed ever closer. Around the time of my therian awakening, this narrative changed. I stopped trying to stand up and simply took off on all fours. I was shocked to find I was incredibly swift as I quadrupedally ran, and my nightmares significantly lessened. In discovering what I am, I became stronger. From then on, dreams where I’m chased by things ended up being more exhilarating than anything- I loved the excuse to take off running on all fours at full speed, leaping over logs and through brambles and splashing through creeks and getting leaves and mud stuck in my fur. The actual storyline of the dream would become secondary to the sheer joy of running. What once were nightmares became my favorite dreams. This is a huge part as to why running as a human is so deeply unsatisfying and painful- because I have felt the four-legged alternative and it’s night and day.
I have meditated in order to become closer to my wolf self. Sometimes what I see is in first-person view, sometimes I’m looking at myself from second-person view, but these sessions have allowed me to get glimpses at myself and my life as a wolf. It was in these little flashes in my waking life that allowed me to get a pretty good idea of what I looked like as a wolf. My fursona is just wolf me as an anthro, they have all the same markings and colors I have in wolf form. I don’t have a very complete picture of what my life was like or even what time period this wolf life takes place in- just little snippets of regular activities like napping on a granite boulder in the sun and hunting rabbits. It would be worth my while to spend more time on this.
Shifting is something I dealt with more frequently when I was younger- it’s my personal theory that the more in discord I am, the more involuntary shifts will occur. So my childhood and teen years were naturally more full of drama and angst, so I shifted more. I was also not fully accepting of my wolf side, and the more I tried to deny my wolfness, the more the wolf forces it’s way out in retaliation. Supporting my theory is the fact that I also tend to have unpredictable strong mental shifts when very drunk or high- another instance in which I am not in harmony with my body. So as a fairly stable adult who freely admits to being alter-human and doesn’t go through a lot of extreme emotional situations, I don’t have mental shifts very often anymore. This doesn’t mean I’m less of a wolf- and I’m sure if I tried to go around now saying it was just a “phase” and I don’t identify that way anymore, I’m sure the wolf would make itself very known once again with involuntary shifting and humble me once again. I am comfortable with where I am as a wolf/human individual, and wolf is an unshaking constant part of my core identity. I am happy to be this weird wonderful creature I am.
Being a wolf is an involuntary identity of mine, something that has remained a constant in my life for almost 25 years now. Regardless of if you think therianthropy is derived from mental origins, spiritual, just plain insanity*- it doesn’t change the fact that yes, I AM a wolf in addition to being a human. The why/how I became this way is way less important to me than it used to be. My experiences listed here are deeply personal, and my experiences won’t perfectly mirror other alter-humans. Even those of us with similar identities can have extremely different experiences. That’s part of what I love about this community… the sheer breadth of experiences and stories. We are all unique creatures.
*which is an ableist and dismissive way to look at alter-humanity. Don’t be this person! You’re allowed to not understand it or think it’s weird, but don’t try to diagnose strangers on the internet just because you think they’re weird.
annaxmalina
pixelskylines
vaporwave
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
gummygunk