so my mom and i have been arguing all day
and basically she's still attached to this thing i said a few days ago. i'd been uploading my ginormous multi-scholarship application a few hours before the deadline (even though i'd had it done before that and just had to copy-paste stuff in) and the site was having problems and kept logging me out, which was of course stressful because i thought i wasn't going to get my app in on time. and i told my mom and she decided she'd grate on me for being a "loser" and tell me how this isn't what successful people do, and i was so tired of her telling me this kind of thing when she actually has no idea what she's talking about, especially considering the enormous volume of work i had to complete this month (as well as help on our goddamn farm) so i, stupidly and cruelly and meanly and really i shouldn't excuse it at all, told her that she had no room to talk about being a loser because she didn't even finish college. and she told me that it didn't have to to do with college and that i couldn't run my own business like her and i told her that her business has made almost no money and that she couldn't even provide consistent income (which was worse of me to say, even) and she told me that she doubted i could do any better and i told her that i knew i could do better because i would finish college and i would make better money than she has
and that was really stupid of me and i hate myself for saying it, but i didn't mean it at all and i told her i didn't mean it and she seemed to understand that i didn't mean it but she's still bringing it up (on top of all our other problems) and i got annoyed and i said that if i thought she meant everything she'd ever said to me, that i'd probably have a nervous breakdown or something
which is true
but
i told her how she'd been telling me since i was about nine or ten that i should go and live with my father whenever she got too angry at me, and she disagreed and said that she didn't say it till i was twelve, and while she may believe that, that isn't true. and so i told her it wasn't true, and she went into this huge mopey rage about how she was an awful parent and how i've proven that all the years of my life were wasted because of her and how i should have had another parent
and that wasn't the point of what i was saying at all. i was trying to say that we don't always mean what we say (even if that was a horrible way of saying it, i know) and that she of all people should know
and so she's been ignoring me/intermittently yelling at me all night and she just came into my room and brought up everything i just told you about and we argued and then she said this:
"there are things that you don't even fucking know, that i've shielded you from, that would break your heart, that would make you hate yourself for the rest of your life"
and then she wouldn't tell me what they were and she left my room and i
what
what are they
did i do something really really bad in my sleep
i'm really concerned about this and now i want to know but then again, i really really don't
but i do because i hate not knowing
and god also when did my life become a soap opera because that is a really good soap opera line
