Had to get up and haul my ass out of the house way too early to get put in the noise tube (MRI machine) to get my lower back looked at. Shit is definitely on the loose down there but I'm not hopeful about anything being found. For some reason everything in my back can stay in their place to have their picture taken but as soon as I WANT to do something my back decides to try to take me to the floor. This time I struggled pretty hard with laying still for the whole time because of the pain so hopefully I'm wrong about them not seeing what's causing the pain. After getting out of that tube I was sent into a bad pain flare for a couple hours (its still bothering me but I've stopped crying) because I had to hold that uncomfortable position for about 20 minutes. My next appointment is soon so at least I don't have to wait weeks to find out that my body is gaslighting me. Although if something IS found I'm not sure what to do about it, that I would be able to afford at least, I don't think I'm going to be doing anything that makes money for a WHILE.
I think there’s really a conversation to be had about people harassing others to the point of breaking under the guise of being “morally good” and “protecting others”. I’ve never felt protected or safe seeing people like that. I think “oh, if I step even a little out of line I’m next”.
So almost immediately after I make that big long post about shit that's stressing me out I get informed that my great grandmother has passed. I wasn't super close to her so I didn't think it'd effect me much but I'm definitely having SOME kind of reaction. I was spaced out for the remainder of the day, was in and out of sleep all night, and am nauseated and exhausted and barely able to leave bed or even sit up for long. My anxiety is through the roof because I'm worried about my grandmother's reaction. I've seen her reactions to her (way too fucking many) dogs dying, what that woman or her husband might do now scares me a bit. They're the kind of people who will make shit up to ruin lives over petty shit and I don't think that's going to exclude us (we suspect them of causing an incident when I was a baby). I'm also anxious about my father's reaction, he can be volatile when he's stressed and I always seem to be on thin ice with him anyway.
Things are not going well for me in the slightest and it is SEVERELY impacting my health. I've been struggling just to take care of myself and I definitely haven't been able to do what I need to to get my footing with streaming and making and selling crafts. Just that alone is putting a strain on my mental health but there's so much more that's been going on that has just completely brought me to my knees. I'm hoping that just getting it all off my chest to people other than the same 5 people I bitch to will make me feel a little better and help me with my crippling fear of being vulnerable.
CW: death, hoarding, sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, suicidal ideation
I've got a shit ton wrong with my health and a shit ton going wrong with my life. Familial dysautonomia, POTS, and chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy are among the diagnoses I can remember at the moment. Some other anomalies include a cyst IN my spinal cord (the doctor told me not to worry about and it never really got followed up on), some kind of hypermobility (who wants to see me move my trachea side to side), NINE baby teeth that never fell out and an adult tooth that tried to come in but started rotting after not being able to push the baby tooth out (one of my canines), probable endometriosis (I lost my insurance before my doc could do a laparoscopy), some kind of mystery gastrointestinal issue, SOMETHING was seen on or in my left kidney but I also never got to follow up on that, and finally a few injuries from my abusive ex. All of that shit makes most days extremely painful, its exhausting just to exist, and I'm often stuck in bed.
With all that going on its not very hard to spread myself too thin and I have spread myself thinner than my father's hair (bald). For a couple of years now I've been trying to fight back my parents' decades old hoard after tackling my own issues with hoarding. In the middle of that my dad lost his job (he's the only one in the family able to work) and I learned that I have some trauma around the first time I experienced him lose his job. I shut down completely, I was velcro'd to my bed, only left my room when I had to and I deemed food a non-necessity. That went on till he got another job. I started to recover, then he lost that one, and while my reaction wasn't as severe this time I was still insanely anxious ESPECIALLY around my father. THIS time however he seemed to have lost his fucking mind with his job. He gathered his disabled family members and told us we need to figure out how to make FIVE HUNDRED dollars a WEEK within a month. Now, I had already been trying to sell stuff at monthly local craft fair, trying (rather poorly) to build up my social media so I could open an online shop, and design amigurumi patterns to also sell. So rather than continue on with my work at my own pace I felt extreme pressure to do more and FAST. I figured streaming would be the way to go since that'd probably be the only way I would have time to play video games now anyway right? It couldn't be THAT hard to reach the point of monetization RIGHT? I still felt like I wasn't doing enough, probably because I was just sitting there spinning my wheels trying to do WAY too much and so I broke. And I broke. And I broke.
I'd had them before but these violent breakdowns kept occurring with increasing frequency and intensity. Not violent toward anyone else but violent toward myself. I hit my head with my fists, SLAM my head into the floor/furniture/the wall/my knees, pull chunks of hair out, and bite myself because in these moments I just feel such an intense urge to hurt myself until my body ceases function. This is undoubtedly causing major damage to my neck, back, knees, and brain. I've definitely felt it in my neck (sometimes it sounds like squeezing a hackey sack), my lower back (where I already had an injury but now it feels like something is moving that should ABSOLUTELY not be moving) and for some reason in my skin (why does all my flesh feel burnt when I'm stressed now). In the aftermath I feel deeply ashamed and like I've been hit by a bus. I feel like I can't be seen outside with all these bruises and I don't exactly feel like talking to people. I've isolated myself down to my family and four people I trust most, my boyfriend, my best friend, and the two friends I have living with me. I know things will only get worse if something doesn't change for me and I'm really fucking scared for me and my loved ones.
I NEED to focus on myself for a long while and reduce stressors but stressors keep fuckin presenting themselves. Despite having a job now my father has not stopped urging ME to get one, he says he just wants me to have insurance. I didn't get to finish high school with all the shit wrong with me, what makes him think I can secure something that has BENEFITS right now? My mom's health is failing, its been failing but now its failing in ways that require me to help her because my father sure as fuck isn't. I'm realizing shit I've been through as a child was her fault in some part, mostly having to do with negligence and inaction, and it has caused some resentment I don't really want to have when I think she's dying. Speaking of dying my dog passed last month, I knew he wasn't going to live much longer with the cancer but I didn't even get to say my last goodbye because he passed when I was out on 4/20. I have so much guilt and shame for the things I couldn't do for him toward the end of his life. I have a lot of guilt and shame over my life in general even if so much is out of my control at the moment.
Additionally in January my roommate decided to leave his old friend group because they decided to ignore how my ex treated me (two of my exes actually) and there had been no change in their behavior. My ex had even assaulted HIM last summer. He sent some of them some pics of bruises and my swollen broken nose I got after he started beating me (I'm still getting used to calling it that instead of a fight because I tried to defend myself) over me tickling him. There were also screenshots of texts between us that I think showcase his manipulative behavior towards me and a pic of the card he signed with the laptop he gifted me while I was trying to get the fuck away from him. He later claimed I stole the laptop because I kept it, it was clearly a gift and I didn't care by that point. His friends freaked the fuck out on my roommate, claimed me and our other roommate were manipulating him and that he needed to get out of here (and go where? I was his last resort and THEY weren't offering any help). They then decided to go and dig through my blog for dirt or something and found the post about Jelly and probably the other posts about her, skimmed them and used them to COMPLETELY disregard the evidence of my ex abusing me. They had also sent everything to the one person that was intentionally not sent any of this due to him having been abused as well (and surprise surprise the rest of the group is still friends with him too) but due to that also recognizes that what I went through was abuse. This fiasco ended in both Jelly and our other roommate losing a large chunk of friends, even ones who initially agreed that what my ex did was abuse. There's a whole can of worms about them being hypocrites that I'll open another time, in another longass post.
Semi-related to that I've been having some stuff come up that I shoved deep down ever since the whole Jelly thing started. Her telling me the ways she was abused by her family caused me to start having some flashbacks to my cousin abusing me (I do not blame her for this). He was sexually abusing me for a LONG time, it started when we were both kids (he may have started before I could form memories because some of my earliest memories of him are ones where he's abusing me) and ended when he moved out of my house when I was 15 or 16. It likely started because he himself was being abused by someone but it carried on till he was 23 and what he would say tome and how he would act makes me think he knew it was wrong somewhere in his teens ( "if you don't do this you won't be my favorite cousin anymore" was one of his favorite lines which was really effective because I was an only child for so long and a little neglected) Some of the memories that came back made me want to throw up and never put anything in my mouth ever again, want to be smooth as a ken doll, and claw my chest off for a while (actually am still uncomfortable in the chest area rn but that feeling came about with a revelation about it just the other day). He's like, the golden child of my whole dad's family so I never spoke up as a child and when I told my mom as an adult when it got to my father he apparently claimed that I was making it up. This is the same shit he says when I bring up how he abused me as a child and hell, he probably also thinks I was making the shit with my ex up as well. Because of this I've still had to be around him and will likely continue to have to be around for family gatherings and some trips in the foreseeable future.
All of the shit above has me on the edge of a breakdown CONSTANTLY. I haven't had the motivation to create ANYTHING lately as much as I keep trying. I definitely can't stream like this, not that anyone here watched in the first place. I have felt like I'm too broken to exist in public, that because of what I've been through and the fact that I haven't gotten myself on my feet at 27 means I'm ruined, a complete lost cause unworthy of continued existence. I know its all internalized bullshit from my ableist fuckin family but its incredibly loud, especially since I still live with them. It's so hard to get past when I have my dad expecting me to be an able bodied person and my mom breaking her body because she thinks rest is shameful when there's so much to do here. I feel like an ass every time I ask for help or every time someone is doing something to help me and all I can do is sit there. I've felt like I should be locked away because no one deserves to deal with me. However the amount of people that seem to like me and want to help me tell me otherwise. I've lived so much of my life feeling like I need to be on standby for others never feeling like I can be my own person. I mean fuck I've lived in the same place for almost 16 years and I am just now decorating my room. Talking to people is hard because I feel like nothing I say has value or that what I say (or me speaking at all) is inherently wrong or annoying or otherwise unwanted. I feel like I need permission to do just about anything including leave the house even though I really don't. I'm sick of living like this (and this new skin burning is fucking unbearable) so I'm trying to do everything I can think of to fix it and this is one of them. Idk why airing out my dirty laundry feels like it'll make me feel better but it does so have my trauma dump, there will be more.
but maybe a better strategy would be to suggest another fandom with a better reputation but similar vibes to what Harry Potter fans like about Harry Potter (ranging from that kind of coming-of-age narrative to a sorting system people can "make their whole personality"/world that one can easily insert themselves into) and that people read/watch/play that instead as the people you're trying to convince are just gonna be turned off by your negativity
hi, i was a harry potter fan from the ages of 6-28, if anyone understands how hard it is to emotionally move on from this specific beloved childhood franchise and cultural phenomenon it would be me.
it's been 6 years since j.k rowling started doubling down on her transphobia. (if we mark her mask off moment as her 2020 posting)
people have had six years to come to terms with it and find alternatives, there have been multiple video essays podcasts and written journalism about all of this, there are so many lists of alternatives including contemporary to the series and current fiction. even as early as 2022 people were renaming real world social groups/sport formed around their hp fandom to distance themselves from her work.
i wasn't even particularly negative, i said "stop spending money here" that's neither critical to the source material nor the fans. and not spending money isn't even an active action it's passive inaction, very easy to do.
also as someone who grew up with the book phenomenon and the films, you cannot reproduce the phenomenon that it used to be. you can find other things that give you joy but that was a very specific pop cultural time and event. the new show not only funds the cultural relevance of and bigoted political actions of rowling, it's also just inherently flawed in conception as a work of nostalgia that will always fall short in both quality, phenomena, and fandom culture.
I'm not coddling adults or teens who are tempted to engage with hp because i respect that they have the capacity to change their minds and expand their own tastes. it's not my responsibility to spoon-feed people alternatives.
I'm saying stop giving her money
i'm saying stop giving the franchise cultural currency via streaming attention
i'm saying the real people who are being made unsafe due to the transphobia and racism of j.k rowling are and always will be more important than nostalgia and fandom
I sound harsh because i was being blunt, if that comes off as negativity that puts some people off then that's okay.
there are much more hand holding options out there, (i myself watched a few video essays years ago deconstructing the bigotry of the novels and the messy relationship between fandom on identity and fiction versus personal ethics. because i needed discussions to process my own personal emotional response to letting the franchise go)
but with my own post I would hope that at least some people go "actually yeah this isn't worth my time and money" about the new show.
because it's okay to feel some negative emotions if it reminds you not to do something you actually feel is wrong.
ultimately @thewickedbohemian it's okay that you don't like my two sentence post as an approach to addressing the entire harry potter fandom. I would encourage you to visit/revisit any works that make you feel the same kind of magic that people are looking for and compile a list yourself to share, it's a good exercise and does help give people a place to start. it's not something i did with this post, it can be something you do with your own post, feel free to tag me in it and i'll reblog.
but again, i'll say it:
"STOP GIVING THE WORKS OF JK ROWLING TIME AND MONEY"
"DO NOT HATEWATCH"
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