path to PANACEA

27 year-old female ob/gyn resident physician who suffers from social-anxiety & depression. This is my online, anonymous journal. Welcome to the war in my mind, body & soul.

[pathtopanacea]

Figuring Things Out

I feel like I constantly make progress and then regress...it’s exhausting. Finding motivation to move forward while fighting your inner demons who feed on anxiety and depression is a difficult feat I have not yet mastered. 

I feel as though I was more organized as a young adult than I am now. I think using some of those old techniques may be useful. It’s hard when you’re social anxiety is so intense that even answering the door for a delivery guy makes your heart race.

It interests me how that is exponentially more terrifying to me than operating on a live human being. Oh and new news: I’m doing cesarean sections as the primary surgeon now. Pretty cool, very rewarding. 

I had the idea in my head that as I became more knowledgeable and accomplished my mental illness would also improve. Doesn’t seem to work that way. 

I’m wondering if journaling will help. 

[pathtopanacea]

Summer Gummy

My man, at the time, decided to sell cocaine instead of getting a real job. Lame. Nonetheless: Summer gummy, lips so yummy 💋

[pathtopanacea]

Aging

Is the adversity or inability to change a symptom of age? 🤔💀

[pathtopanacea]

Skinny Secret

I can't eat as fast as I starve at work 😑. Four C-Sections today; back to back 😴 Did 2 artificial membrane ruptures, which is more in one day than my whole life 💘

[pathtopanacea]

Mermaid Parade

My first time at the Mermaid Parade on Coney Island was actually a good one. Got dressed up with my best friend, had matching real dried flower crowns (before they were cool) saved back from my Grade 4 play (Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream). 

We got matching shoes that we bought on sale for $30 at a Target in Brooklyn. 

Felt cool next to my very well formed boyfriend dressed in his American flag tight bathing suit short shorts. There’s a photo of us kissing where he has “America as Fuck” stickers on his nipples. 

Hanging with all the real New Yorkers; treated us just the same...made us feel like part of something real.  

[pathtopanacea]

After Autumn

It’s dark in November. I feel like I notice it more this year, and I think it’s because there’s no snow.

Somehow the snow makes winter brighter.

❄️

[pathtopanacea]

Stoner Memoirs

While standing, stoned, in my kitchen, I thought to myself, "Have I really become an adult? Or are we all still teenagers pretending to act like adults?"

[pathtopanacea]

Styles of Learning

For those who don't know medical school is split into two crude components. With a total of 4 years: 2 for pre-clerkship, 2 for clerkship. Pre-clerkship mainly consists of didactic lectures with examinations & some time spent in hospital practicing physical exam skills & history taking techniques. These would be composed of a majority standardized patients rather than real patients. Clerkship is actually spent in hospital, working alongside, as well as hopefully being taught by, experienced & knowledgeable physicians. This time with real patients with real physical ailments.

Different people learn through different methods. I was at a place where didactic lecture no longer stimulated me (I had enough of it in undergrad; I missed <5 classes in all 4 years of my undergraduate career (including sick days)). As far as the hospital time, well, either your teacher & your 4-6 peers were all evaluating you, and/or the patient was not real, & rather an actor. It's very difficult to emulate real feelings when you know (& can feel) that the person in front of you is fake. What if you're not a good actor? And I have social anxiety. So, being evaluated, in a fake situation where you're expected to act & be a super duper medical student...not an environment for me to thrive in.

However, clerkship is quite a different story. Now we're talking about actually being in the front lines, with real patients, & real medicine. This isn't "let's play make-believe" anymore; this is the real thing. Now there is nothing more exciting than being where you you want to be. AND medicine is insane; in absolutely the best way possible.

It's funny how I had a hard time through the first two years (mostly lack of motivation & anxiety that fused itself into depression) & now even though it's never easy, I somehow am thriving. It just shows how teaching style is really a personal thing when it comes to successful education. Something that won't breed robots. Hoorah for individuality!

[pathtopanacea]

It's true. Image credit to me. Woot.

I'm currently writing a presentation on probiotics. Pouring through journal articles; now I've narrowed it down to 5. It's all very interesting.

My background noise today: a wildlife soundscape. It was very beautiful before...now it turned into arctic winds? And eagles & ravens? The winds are a bit eerie...

[pathtopanacea]

tox·i·drome

ˈtäksəˌdrōm/

noun

noun: toxidrome; plural noun: toxidromes

a group of signs and symptoms constituting the basis for a diagnosis of poisoning.

So I found this great image of the anticholinergic drug toxidrome. Some anticholinergic drugs you may have heard of include ipatropium bromide scopolamine, diphenhydramine (or benadryl), tiotropium (spiriva), or bupropion (wellbutrin). I always liked how wacky/creative this little colloquial phrase was:

"Blind as a bat, mad as a hatter, red as a beet, hot as Hades, dry as a bone, the bowel and bladder lose their tone, and the heart runs alone."

[pathtopanacea]

BETWEEN LOVE & HATE

Things are between extremes. I'm not sure where we're at. Some days it feels like we're couple about to get divorced; just so much resentment built up over time...other times we're great and I couldn't love anyone more. 

School is great. I'm finally working. I'm on my family medicine rotation & while I've had good days & bad days, overall there's nothing I'd rather be doing. I am most happy when my brain is challenged & I'm too busy to focus on myself. 

I started smoking again for the past 5 days, maybe 1-3 cigarettes a day to deal with the stress of him. I was lucky enough to give myself a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection). Lovely. So I'm sucking on halls today. In a way it's a good thing...my body really wants to let me know that smoking is not a good thing. I should not be smoking either due my recent history of reflux & gastritis, since I could give myself a pre-cancerous condition called Barrett's esophagus...so blessing in disguise?

They have not called me from the hospital regarding my endoscopy. I have a hard time just scraping up 10 min for lunch...so I haven't called to check-in. I have a self-study session tomorrow morning, so maybe that's a goal.

More great news: my car battery died today. More shit to deal with. On top of that, the boyfriend is on a cleaning tirade. He fails to notice what I do to clean during the week, or that I cooked dinner & made beautiful pumpkin spice muffins to be proud of! Bleurgh. I must have been a bad person in a past life, or I'm just with someone who confirms the way I feel about myself. 

[pathtopanacea]

He laughs when he sees the photo of me where he broke my nose.

"I just smirked when I was trying to delete it."

Seriously? This is the most terrible man I have ever met. How could I have loved him? How could I have been so stupid?

[pathtopanacea]

DON'T KNOW IF I'LL MAKE IT

I don't know if I have the balls for medical school. 

I was randomly assigned group lead. They had NO specifications for titles for our final assignment. I asked to clarify. The guy was rude as hell!!!

Wait...did you or did you not say that one of the keys to being a good physician is to ask for clarification if unsure? 

Now you've scared me. Now I'll be more apprehensive when I ask next time. Thank you for being a nurturing physician. Exactly the kind of doctor I think everyone hopes they get. 

"Fuck your questions. I don't have time for your incompetence." Pretty much, just obviously not worded so vulgar. My response: MAKE A CLEAR OUTLINE!! If it was fucking clear I wouldn't have to fucking ask. Simple. Thanks, kay bye.

[pathtopanacea]

FORGET.

I wish he would just go away. And I could forget all he's done.

I just want to smile for real, to really feel happy again.

[pathtopanacea]

[pathtopanacea]

COFFEE

What I need in the morning: IV drip (regular isotonic saline) + caffeine that automatically opens 20 minutes prior to my chosen morning wake-up call.

[pathtopanacea]

FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR:

In social psychology, the fundamental attribution error, also known as the correspondence bias or attribution effect, is people's tendency to place an undue emphasis on internal characteristics to explain someone else's behavior in a given situation, rather than considering external factors.