Haya

someone disturbed

[patientawaiter]

I thought I'd be good faking my ass to handle people I don't like and get through life like nothing but why do I feel disappointed and exhausted the whole day to know I starting to see their horns?

[patientawaiter]

Kindness

Kindness is free. Rudeness costs your sanity. My patience has been tested my whole life and in adulthood, at my age of 23, I made it a goal to increase my patience.

Back then, I've been so short tempered, stubborn, and bratty. Most of the times, I still regret it today. That wasn't a good character and memory to have in my lifetime.

Now, as I grasp the concept of patience. I grow irritated when people aren't, that's still a me problem I'm trying to fix– still involves my patience hehe.

I'm fighting for my dad, I'll be in his sides whenever wherever whatever. Staying in my mother's hometown, I'm growing sick of my relatives day by day. Their true colors growing saturated, I don't want to hold grudge tho. That must be how they were treated, how others around them acted and how they got used to it.

I'm aiming to be patient and be clear when explaining things.

My father's constant asking of questions is a side effect of his age growing closer to 100. His sister has been this way and it saddens me to witness him but I know it's all part of life, I want him to grow old with respect and goodness in exchange of his kindness and selflessness. My maternal relatives who talks bad behind his back, criticizing him in every action that he does. Such backburners that I loathe. How two-faced were you, in his triumph you were smiling and complimenting but now in his trial you try to say every bad critic you can say about him. I hate you but I can't help the need to forgive you.

Dad, if you're reading this. I love you with all my heart, you're handsome to me in any age you went through and will go through. You've been selfless and I hope I can reward you back before your time. May Allah bless you, my love, my dad.

[patientawaiter]

Kindness

Kindness is free. Rudeness costs your sanity. My patience has been tested my whole life and in adulthood, at my age of 23, I made it a goal to increase my patience.

Back then, I've been so short tempered, stubborn, and bratty. Most of the times, I still regret it today. That wasn't a good character and memory to have in my lifetime.

Now, as I grasp the concept of patience. I grow irritated when people aren't, that's still a me problem I'm trying to fix– still involves my patience hehe.

I'm fighting for my dad, I'll be in his sides whenever wherever whatever. Staying in my mother's hometown, I'm growing sick of my relatives day by day. Their true colors growing saturated, I don't want to hold grudge tho. That must be how they were treated, how others around them acted and how they got used to it.

I'm aiming to be patient and be clear when explaining things.

My father's constant asking of questions is a side effect of his age growing closer to 100. His sister has been this way and it saddens me to witness him but I know it's all part of life, I want him to grow old with respect and goodness in exchange of his kindness and selflessness. My maternal relatives who talks bad behind his back, criticizing him in every action that he does. Such backburners that I loathe. How two-faced were you, in his triumph you were smiling and complimenting but now in his trial you try to say every bad critic you can say about him. I hate you but I can't help the need to forgive you.

Dad, if you're reading this. I love you with all my heart, you're handsome to me in any age you went through and will go through. You've been selfless and I hope I can reward you back before your time. May Allah bless you, my love, my dad.

[patientawaiter]

Two-faced

I'll make it simple. I guess this karma hitting me already. I was two-faced before, 'til I learn hate is ugly. I can never get my head around how you ace your acts though, I think no one can do it better than you.

You have everything, all the means, so I don't know why you're still lingering and hating on me. You act so angelic, vulnerable with me. I'm actually still in denial of how you betrayed me. Telling me you hushed no one but did otherwise.

A wolf in a cape who pretended like grandmom. I'm cutting you off, was your ego hurt?

I was hurt more... and more... stop with your acts and think about it, don't tell me you did nothing when you did something.

I forgive you but I can't reconnect.

[patientawaiter]

Decreased Human

Money is the root of evil, at the same time, it really does buy happiness. Power may mean money— the pieces of paper that can control humans. Such a bizzare thing, how we unconciously change with the level of power we have.

I may say, my parents have raised me right. But I think they were too right, beyond kind, that I cannot fathom how rude people can be with power.

As I watch them say the words I hate, I realize fire never exists without smoke. Dramas are never created without scripts. Where do they get it from? How do they get it?

You have scarred me, deeper than anything, I remember every second. I hate the anger starting inside me, I was raised to see the kindness in everyone but I can't seem to find it in them. I can't paint a picture of their kind faces when their rudeness are etched in my mind.

Oh God, how could this lemons be thrown at us?

You have treated ourselves equal until we fell out of the pack. Are we all green when we're loaded and only see red when empty? That fullness creates bitter feelings, also superiority.

He taught me patience and forgiveness, please forgive me if I can't hold on to my feelings.

[patientawaiter]

Airport emotions

It's 4:17am, I just dropped off my grandmother along with two other relatives who accompanied her back in our province.

Adulthood has different level of realization, I say, and I have grown to the level of seeing the true colors of my relatives. My adult eyes showed me the opposite of the things I fond in these people as a child. I understood the situations, their personalities, etc. I'm undecided if I liked learning their true selves or disliked to know they weren't that angelic as my young eyes saw them. At the end of the day, Islam says to love your own kin. I will do as Allah swt wills and choose to see the good in them.

After this bitter revelation, I'll move on to the time I was sharing stories with this two relatives in the check-in line. I'll refer to them as Anna and Bea whereas Anna is an old woman close to the senior citizen age and the latter a woman in her late 20s.

I almost bawled in tears upon hearing Bea's story. She randomly shared how my mom is about to break her arms and legs, metaphorically, in managing our house in the province. She added, my mom would constantly share how she misses me as the obedient daughter— now, she'd shout her lungs out just to have my youngest sister and only brother follow her. Now that I recall it, I don't knos of I like that story. Did my mom miss me as the obedient child or just as a daughter?

Nevertheless, this story wrapped me in guilt. I didn't know my absence would take a lot. If I'll recall it, I'd ran errands left and right for my parents and siblings. I'd drop everything behind at once to tend with their favors. I remember my hands growing calloused from all the motor riding I did running north to south of the province. My legs numbing in the traffic while driving the car. I always find joy in things I do to forget these struggles but at the end of the day... my pillows would get damp from crying all the exhaustion and lack of appreciation that I feel. In the end, Allah swt is sufficient for me.

I'll do my best, mapa. Hang in there.

[patientawaiter]

Hate is ugly

Words can scar, it definitely can. This may be something light for you to say but it can weigh heavily on others. Hatred is the worst feeling to have, I know every single human hates humiliation, degradation, etc. If you hate it, why give it to others? Do you play ‘double it and give it to the next person’?

I feel utterly disgusted and hurt to people who speak ill and irrationally. I can suffer from the pain of all the words you give me, but in my eyes you are no much of a good person. I certainly won’t double that and give it to the next person. 

Some connections need to break, it certainly will be the hatred connection that flowed through you. It will not get through me.  

[patientawaiter]

Plasma Ball

Why do brains look like intestines? How is it in this size but holds a lot?

As I stare through nothingness while my head wanders in thoughts and imaginations, my chest builds up a lot of emotions. In every moment, I'd want to die to end all these miserliness but that'd mean I lost life. It's such a wonder how I can look calm outside while havoc exists inside me.

My thoughts are overflowing that I can't even seem to finish this.

[patientawaiter]

cigar and smiles

The last time I saw you, I was still a child. I've heard your name mentioned in some stories of my father. I always remembered you as the woman who smokes her cigarettes outside our house during the time you visited for umrah. I think you were the second woman I know who smokes, after Auntie Rose— two women from my childhood. Your stay in our house was quite memorable, that I can still remember how I approached you outside while puffing smoke– we were about to head out to go around town. You saw me dressed in my black cloth and my head wrapped in hijab. It wasn't the nicest wrap I've done but you gave me a compliment and asked me to teach you how to do it.

Years later, maybe ten and so, I rush to the Corinthians house where your body was brought from the hospital. When I arrived, the relatives were already rushing out to transport you to the air force base to have you flown to Laguindingan. While in the waiting lounge of the air base, we were given false times of the plane's arrival. 3pm turned to 4 then 5 then 6 and so on. I've collected stories of you from the aunties. How you were so frail in your last days, how you suffered with your illness... I even got to see how you looked like a day before your death from your best friend. You were far from that woman from my memory, although your facial features are still familiar, you grew thin and wrinkly. Until the last hour came, at 9:30ish in the evening, the plane arrived. The loud propellers, heavy winds, and rush of people gave me a gush of reality how your soul is dear to me.

We may have met only once, or a few times I can't recall since I'm bad with memorizing hundreds of relatives, but you were still a woman from my childhood and your dear memory holds a part of me. Maybe it was your compliment, for I am a sentimental person, that gave me a small attachment to you. The sadness and grief dawned on me. The gruelling 10 hours in the waiting lounge was incomparable to your struggling soul while your body remains above the earth. As we left the area, I thought finally you'll be able to rest im peace soon but I woke up the next day seeing the relatives group chat of you arriving in Laguindingan in the same morning I woke up to. You were buried in Dhuhr, more than a day after your death.

You've gone through so much, Auntie.

[patientawaiter]

Water is tasteless but essential.

Humans are judgemental in nature. We cannot always use that word negatively, we can define it as someone who has an opinion. And I guess everyone has the right for their opinions.

Anyhow, let me reflect on the difference of things in perspective. A dollar may be nothing to you but it's a dollar closer for someone's meal. There may be days for you where you need to scramble every corner of your pocket/bag/room to find small change, and in reality for others they experience this every single day. So imagine the stress scrambling all around and be like that everyday— must be unbearable.

This is a sign for you to be sensitive to others. Something small for you, is a huge blessing for others. It won't hurt to give a small compliment, if your judgement isn't nice and helpful then you can keep it to yourself. Swallow those murderous words.

Our house may be tight but it gives us comfort, space, and a roof for the rain. Your phone may be laggy but it gives you entertainment, social connections, and a gallery of your memories.

If you feel unfortunate, think of things you have that others haven't. Humble yourself while reaching your goals. Words can scar... and kill.

[patientawaiter]

To the people who believes in me,

My life’s not heading in the direction of my plans. I wasn’t this girl that I looked up to when I was a child. I didn’t know where it went wrong, or do I just deny it? I’m opening this tumblr account after a few years. I don’t know why- it was the first thing that lit in my head when I though of where I can express myself. All I saw are my school requirement modules being posted in this profile which I now deleted to move on from that phase.  

This isn’t a sad post so stop reading this in a sad tone. I feel neutral after drenching myself in tears while praying a few hours ago. My back is aching as it’s used to lie down all day- describes how lazy I am these days. 

I feel unmotivated and lost where my life took a turn that it’s this unproductive however I wanted to change that. Step by step. This part where I’m sitting on my study table and typing this shit down is already a progress for me in stepping away from my phone. I haven’t glanced on it for about few minutes now. 

I may be stuck however I still want to thank the people who are still believing in me for my success. The constant ‘you can do it’ type of messages aren’t just a in n out thing in my ears, it’s an in and stay in brain type. Your words may feel light but they are deeply buried in my mind to keep me going. Don’t stop ‘cause I won’t stop.