This has been on my mind a lot, and every trans fem person I’ve said it to has realized they do struggle with this, so I’m going to share here.
Posting here because I expect this to piss some people off & don’t want it directly associated with my main.
I’ll make this as anonymous as possible, because some of it began from a conversation with an in-person/IRL friend whom I’m living with, & I don’t want to expose them. But apart from that piece of context, I’ll address the general trans community, especially our trans fem siblings & sisters (& any other term y’all may prefer).
Also getting this out of the way up front, I am trans myself. I am not speaking from outside the trans community, though I am speaking from a trans masculine / nonbinary experience.
I have a lot of trans fem friends now (mostly nonbinary, by coincidence), & saw the (often (unfortunately) necessary) assumptions that cis women & AFAB people made/had to make as I grew up. I watched AFAB folks & women assume things about men*, & heard them speak to the horrible things some entitled men did to them. I’ve been listening to my trans fem friends & asking questions about their experience with femininity, & about how men treat them if they pass.
(* though our society makes it necessary (for your own safety & sanity), if you’re AFAB, to assume the worst & hope for the best¹ - I want to make it clear that I’m not invalidating anyone here, especially as someone who had to assume the same things. I’m using the word assume to mean that we didn’t know for certain every single man would be of this type, not that many men weren’t this type)
(¹ not to say men can’t be SAed by other men, or that queer SA doesn’t exist, because it does. I’m simply speaking from my experience here, & speaking to the binary white supremacist patriarchal society we’re trapped in, not trying to speak over folks with queer trauma or to invalidate other people who distrust men)
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Important Note: I marked this with a community label not because it involves trans people (especially trans fem folks & trans women), but because it explicitly includes sex mentions (having to do with touch starvation & social conditioning). I want to make that clear due to the transphobia online, even from trans masc folks / trans men. Trans woman & trans fem people are not inherently sexual or bad, & don’t need a ‘mature’/sexual warning label.
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I am probably over-explaining here (all the clarifications above), but I’d rather over-explain than have someone take my post & words to support their transphobic rhetoric. I also want my fellow trans & queer people to feel seen and supported, as much as I am capable of.
Now, onto the pattern I’ve been noticing & starting to share with people.
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I was talking to my roommate (they/she) about their struggle with finding friends & romantic partners that last. They struggle to make & maintain friendships, & I’m trying to help when requested/desired.
She said “not to support transphobic rhetoric about being unable to escape your assigned gender at birth, but I feel like there’s a biological...something that makes me unable to connect with people the way I want to”. She struggles with sex addiction that she doesn’t want, & they were worried it was inescapable.
With other conversations we’ve had, and with my pattern recognition, I made a leap.
“It’s not biological, it’s social. It’s baked into our [United Statesian] culture.
It’s because [most] assigned-male people in our society aren’t allowed to have platonic affection. If you’re affectionate with men, you’re gay. If you’re affectionate with women, you wanna fuck her or you’re a pervert. Being assigned male means, especially to Christian men, that you crave sex and wouldn’t be affectionate with anyone of any gender if that wasn’t on your mind.”
Most men & AMAB people become sex addicted because it’s the only form of affection they’re allowed to have. They’re told they’re unmanly (a pussy, not a real man, etc.) if they want to be held or to cry, or accused of being gay for holding a man.
They’re affection starved, touch starved. They’re actually craving intimacy, which doesn’t have to be sexual.
That said, tying this back in to trans folks—
Trans women & trans feminine people, especially on HRT but post social transition too, are often pointed out (or even shamed) for having a “hoe phase”. The pattern I see is that this doesn’t just happen because they’re finally being sexualized as their true self, it’s also because they don’t tend to seek out platonic affection &/or don’t think they deserve any.
When I pointed out to my roommate & to another trans fem friend, they broke down crying.
“If I seek out platonic affection, I’m always called a pervert,” my roommate explained. “I don’t feel like I’m allowed to ask.”
I asked how long it’s been since they’ve been platonically held. They thought about it, then came back with something heartbreaking: “I was five. After that, my dad decided it wasn’t cute anymore. ‘That’s little kid shit’. I had affection and then it was ripped away from me.”
I suspect other trans fem folks & trans women have the same struggle. They didn’t get platonic affection at all, or had it ripped away from them at a young age. They were accused of wanting sex if they touched anyone at all. They were attacked with homophobic slurs (faggot, gay, etc. as slurs) or accused of being gay if they reached for a man. They were brushed off as immature, childish, or overly feminine if they wanted platonic affection.
I don’t believe this applies to everyone, but it’s a heartbreakingly high number.
I hope this helps someone like it helped my roommate. She now knows what she wants to search for, and they’re succeeding at finding connections that meet those needs. I hope you can find people who respect your need for affection & offer you platonic affection.
Just like cis women, y’all aren’t sexual toys or objects (without your consent, not kink shaming). You’re people, and your feelings do matter. (/sincere)
And to my fellow trans masc people & trans men, please offer affection to your trans fem friends (don’t force it obv). Let them know they deserve affection.
We can fight this together— we’re stronger together. 💜