parachute epiphanies

[paulyhchoi]

Restless.

It’s funny how we’re constantly going back and forth between realizing how far we’ve come and how far we’ve yet to go..  You feel all grown up your senior year of high school, and then you’re back to the bottom as a freshman in college.  You get to your last year, start feeling old again, and you enter the workforce as an entry-level worker.  You look behind you and see everyone in the place you once were, and again, you begin to feel that same feeling.  Where has all the time gone? Yet, when we look ahead, everything is still up in the air.  We cringe in anticipation with every step, because all our hopes and all our fears lie wait in the darkness ahead.  The same uncertainty that causes us to hope and dream also keeps us in dread and trembling — I guess hope and fear are two sides of the same coin.  And I’m beginning to think that the way to stay ahead of this emotional and mental roller coaster we all seem to get caught up in is to always embrace that you aren’t really as old, or out of time, as you feel.. that it’s relative. That even when time seems to play against you, God’s plan is and remains for you. Ultimately, it’s to trust.  And trust is grown in humility, and humility in genuine gratitude.  One glance into social media - the thoughts that we so thoughtlessly spill out for others to see - and I see the world slowly changing what defines joy and a good life to my peers, to myself.. and all the more I’m desperately crawling back to the innocent truth that God is trustworthy, that his goodness is pure joy and that He is the one who establishes our steps.  Where are our roots that we are so easily shaken?  The road is truly narrowing as we run further into the race, and many were not trained for it.  In some ways, I was not trained for it.  But I remind myself that the weight of the world was not meant to be carried, but to be lifted.  Lifted by the one who calls us to come and cast all our burdens, to rest and to be restored.  So my hope is in redemption.  I hope in being a new creation year after year because God’s pursuit for my heart is never ceasing, and his voice calling for my life is always audible if I would just quiet my soul.  The ink in this pen has not run dry, and my story is sure to end with His glory because I am still called beloved.

[paulyhchoi]

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[paulyhchoi]

sometimes, grace is more about the giver than the recipient.  it is meant to lead to repentance and thanksgiving, but often times is taken advantage of and used as an excuse.  yet grace still remains, because it doesn't concern itself with the outcome. grace, like love, is a state of being. the one who is Love will always love, and out of his gracious heart will not withhold his mercy - his grace will always be there for us.  what we fuel with it in our lives is our decision.

we are all broken - and our brokenness is what leads us to forget about our own depravity in the first place, causing us to judge others for not being together, to not forgive, to act out of pride and entitlement rather than the gratitude of our hearts.  if we are unable to extend grace and love as we have received from Christ, then maybe we should question the state of our hearts rather than the reason why the other is not worthy of it.  what we need is not discernment, but a fresh reception of the goodness of God manifest in our daily lives.  this will birth humility and the gratitude that leads to Christ-like generosity - the generosity of love. 

[paulyhchoi]

thoughts on dreams

I believe our Father places eternity in our hearts in the form of our hopes and dreams.  We have this nagging desire for something greater than the mundane and conventional that we live in because eternity is far greater than life as we know it.  Yet we always dismiss it as an unobtainable ideal, blaming it on impossibility; we accept our present with a sigh, devoid of any hope.  Some will get up and walk, achieve their dreams and live out heaven on earth, while others wait for death to rescue them from the tragedy of their lameness.  

It is also said that He Himself places the desires in our hearts - so maybe this desire that we keep confined within the cage of fear is really the will of God we thwart because of our inability to trust, to let go of security, to live without the consideration of self.  We can digress to child-like faith and live a life that aims for the will of God, or we can "wise up" and become mature adults that make responsible decisions rather than God-centered ones.  Radical should be normal in the lives of Christians; how else can we go against the patterns of this world?

[paulyhchoi]

Commoditination (a rant)

it's just crazy, the things we've learned to commoditize. endless. why and what is "Christian" music? a Christian is a human being, their way of life.  as far as I know, there is no genre labeled LGBT, republican, atheist.. and yet the sad truth is that ultimately, the label was created because people hungry for money knew that it would sell, that it had a vast audience of consumers to attract. yet there is probably plenty of "secular" music, left out of the "Christian" umbrella, that is much more pleasing to our Lord than some of the songs we hear on Christian radio. we live in a world where faith and God are reduced to marketing strategies. and in this world, we are constantly fighting to make sense of things that we truly value with our hearts, to filter out the unnecessary things the world has placed to complicate and taint all things pure and precious. the price tags, the systems, the boundaries, the labels, the compartmentalisation - the things that cheapen the things we know to be beyond any value. it's the consequence of our nation's desire for endless capital. it kills our dreams (or controls it) and often times, we are left with no choice but to side with the force that we cannot defeat. but why side with that which will burn away? we are not meant to wait for eternity to come after death; we are called to live in the eternal daily. we must find what it truly means to do so, and we must fight for it.

in the midst of this chaos, this push and pull between our paradoxical reality, our hope is in the God who redeems and makes all things new, who breathes life into dry bones and writes destinies for the least to shame the wise and bring transformation to this world. all it takes is for the least to believe that it's possible and offer themselves as Isaiah had. His faithful singers will sing new songs, dreamers will dream new dreams, and we, his children, will join in his work of redemption and recreation until the final chapter. this is my battle - to find myself believing and willing, to resist caving in and to press on. let us all fight the good fight and strive toward a life that will not lead to regret and shame when the road is ended. 

[paulyhchoi]

our best is never enough. but "enough" was never what He asked for; all He wants is our best.

[paulyhchoi]

[paulyhchoi]

falling in love is not a moment, it is a journey.  and the beauty of it is that many times, it's as simple as reading a word of truth, or allowing a song to align the stars in our minds and souls.. reflecting on a day we know we lived out, one we knew was a beautiful gift given to us. moments that give us no other choice but to believe in the One who is love. so fall in love. be humbled, and let your humility birth gratitude; gratitude, joy; joy, zeal; zeal, life; life, love again. let the wheel spin and turn until your dying breath.

[paulyhchoi]

character.

if you want to build character, don't look so much to yourself and what it is you need to fix.  all you have to do is give your attention to others, and selflessness will birth all the good character you wish to attain.

[paulyhchoi]

"until i die i'll sing these songs, on the shores of babylon.."

you see, it's our expectation of tomorrow that quenches our passions today. we are entitled to nothing; everything is a gift. yet we live as if otherwise, hoarding and wasting the grace of life that is not merited and allowing hollow fears to fetter our convictions. what can we take into the pearly gates but the songs that is our lives? our story is eternal, and forever begins now.

- Andy Hur, I am grateful and honored that God allowed me to be a part of the last chapter of your life.  thank you for sharing your beautiful story with us and imparting us with the wisdom and love that you lived out. thank you for your final prayer. I miss you but you are where you belong!! 

[paulyhchoi]

good people

it's just not enough to be a good person. too many people are good at it only in the ways that can be seen, the shallow end of life.  they learn to smile and speak kindly; they abstain from taboo, blatant sins and they involve themselves in the spheres of society that will conveniently place them under the umbrella of "good people."  the tragedy is that there are so many "good people" but too many of them do not wrestle with the truth and depth of their depravity. they never grow. they never grow up. they never get past wading on the shores, never swim out to the depths of their ocean and face the waves that would surface their brokenness. thoughtless and even unaware, they brush all their issues under the rug and manipulate for themselves a clean conscience by filling their minds with useless theology and living conservatively. but who cares about your knowledge if you don't even believe it? who cares about what you preach if you don't even have the integrity in your life to reflect it? who the hell cares about your positions in church if you have no position in the real kingdom? the worthy, priceless treasure of becoming like Jesus is replaced with the empty shell of having the mere form of godliness, a house built on shifting sand.  it's just a slave pretending to be free. but true freedom empowers. if the power of the Spirit is absent, then you are still bound to your powerlessness, and you just pretend that life only extends as far as your chains go.

at the end of the day, it's not about what you do; it's about the how and the why and the Who for.  being a disciple never meant being a simply being a good person. He calls us to real holiness, to be humble and to seek a wisdom that cannot be understood. we can't just sit here trying to balance out the good and evil in our life, as if the goal is to just make sure that the good outweighs the bad on a balance beam. there is no balance beam to our lives; there is only a throne. and no matter who you profess to be your king, your life will show who you truly serve.

[paulyhchoi]

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[still falling]

waiting on the wind, come blowing breathing on the stillness of my soul your living streams, come flowing roaring like the voice of waters deep crying to deep

Jesus, I'm still falling in love with you still learning to desire you, come lead me on Jesus, I'm on a journey to be more like you you gotta show me just what to do, I'm not afraid

'cause I've been singing like you're everything but my living says you're second to me but I will forfeit all my vices for a glimpse / to see your face

nothing is mine, I know in time you'll take what's rightly yours and I'll fall at your feet, nothing to hide, you'll take me as your glorious bride 

[paulyhchoi]

as much as I passionately love the expression of worship & praise through eloquent words, beautiful melodies and moving rhythms, I must always remember: a worshipful life is the most pleasing offering.  what good is it to sing of His love, His presence, His glory, beauty, grace, mercy; hunger, desire, conviction, devotion, celebration, full surrender... what good is it to wear these truths on our lips, its depths so far beyond our comprehension and our mere emotions, if it is not manifest in our living?

I wonder if the expression of music would be so necessary to take us into the depths of His presence if we were actually walking, breathing, moving in it, in every moment. I wonder if it is but a glimpse, when our Father desires to open our eyes to see Him in fullness.  I wonder if to open our eyes means only to turn our eyes, from inward to outward, from earthbound to heavenbound, and to leave it fixed upon His glory.

may my songs only be the fruit of my journey, not the journey itself. 

[paulyhchoi]

[paulyhchoi]

we hide because we feel ashamed, but shame is not in being revealed - it's in our caverns of hiding.  there is only grace and freedom waiting for us in the light.

[paulyhchoi]

praise the Lord, O my soul

holy fear is a sign of our sonship, for the Lord our Father has compassion on those who fear him. and we are crowned with his love from everlasting to everlasting! hallelujahhhhhhh

[paulyhchoi]

goodness

I am the most blessed- not by comparison to another person, but because of the fullness of His love manifested in my life! you are most blessed too! Hallelujah!