After dropping a load of baggage last year before I crossed the matrimony bridge, one of my biggest goals in therapy at the time was centered around the art of discernment.
I had felt like I had missed developing the discernment skill big time. I went to therapy, did a full sweep of all my current relationships, and I looked back on my life and I remember thinking, why didn't I see THIS sooner? I began to think, if I could recognize and discern people's character in the beginning, I could save myself from so much heartbreak down the road.
I don't know what it is, exactly. I think the pain and truth and reality of who people are, was more frightening to me than acknowledging the truth. Some of these truths meant I could not continue in the relationship. And I was so fearful of that. I valued the relationship I had with these people more than the impact it was having on my mental health and sanity. I valued the relationship more than trusting my intuition and growing my skills of discernment and clarity.
Over time, not seeing people clearly wore me down in a way that's hard to describe. When you don't have discernment, you have denial. You would rather deny the abuse and wrongdoing than discern and face the truth. A lot of times, staying in denial is comfortable. We don't have to do anything about it. Except it wears you down. You must go further and further into denial if you want to maintain these relationships and squander your sense of discernment completely. You must silence all independent thought.
The problem in that is eventually you will be faced with evidence that is so obvious, that is so hurtful that it becomes insanity to keep denying the truth about someone and their character. During these moments, I would often lose my composure. The cracks bled deeper at the time and I could not keep the glass structure in tact without cutting myself on the shards trying to hold it all together.
That's what it's like to be so deeply in denial. And so far away from your own sense of self and sense of discernment.
So what happens when you let go? Drop your bloody and bandaged hands from the glass house you spent so much time trying to hold together. What if you just let go? The shards quiver and fall and collapse. Beneath it all, is the truth. It's who they are. It's what you've been denying and hiding in this glass house, cutting yourself trying to keep them warm and protected. You're not a saint for it. You're no hero. This person you kept imprisoned here, doesn't even exist.
I spent a lot of time thinking about, people are who they are. What did that mean? And why was that concept so elusive to me? Why did I have a hard time accepting who the people in my life were? And what steps could I take to bridge the skill of discernment with the relationships that still existed in my life?
Slowly over time, I began accepting people as they were and it felt like colossal shift in my worldview. I was suddenly seeing my relationships in technicolor. That there could be a vast array of grey between black and white. That not taking in the full version of someone, including the bad parts, was doing a disservice to myself and to the other person.
I also learned that there could be different levels at which I keep people. There are certain bounds and perimeters around me and not everyone needs to be in my inner circle. Only people that are safe deserve to be there. That's where discernment has been so handy. Because if you don't have discernment, how do you know how close to hold people and how far to keep them away? The truth is it varies person to person. But if you keep them all in your inner circle, there's bound to be one that will cause utter havoc simply due to the fact that you did not practice discernment from the start.
Another shift that began happening was a grounding approach when it came to other people. I spent so much of my life acquiescing and accommodating others hoping that they would like me. I never fully pulled back and asked myself, do I even like them? Why am I bending over backwards for this person who is never going to want me in their life the same way? I stopped doling out effort to people who did not deserve it in the first place. Now I see how I would walk into an abuser's trap every time. I craved external acceptance and approval and if someone was making me work for, I thought, I just needed to work harder for them to see my worth!
One of the biggest blessings is when you accept people for who they are, you no longer are disappointed or surprised. They are who they are. Why would you expect any different? If you have done the work of discernment from the beginning, there's no need for crazy making or big displays of drama. You have the freedom to politely excuse yourself away from all of it. You are the empress of your kingdom and protector of your peace.
I would not have learned the art of discernment without first addressing my own wounds around self worth, abandonment and being good enough. In order to really discern and see people for who they are, you have to have enough value in yourself to risk losing the attachment. You have to be okay with letting people go (abandonment) and knowing you are enough (self worth) without their approval or presence in your life. Those pieces are so crucial and I could not even tread the surface of discernment without healing those core wounds first.
So what happens now? These days, I don't get as devastated when someone does something that is in alignment with their character. I have already accepted that is who they are and so I don't lose sleep if they don't perform in the same way as I would. I tell myself, this is who they are. Don't expect anything more or less from them.
And I don't personalize it anymore. I don't beat myself up for their lack of showing up as I want them to. I see them for who they are, and that has nothing to do with me. People are who they are.
I actively practice discernment. I weigh all their behavior, the good and the bad, before writing off their character. I try not to snuff out or ignore bad behavior, as much as I want to. The bad behavior is the most revealing and what we need to pay attention to, especially as we learn to set boundaries around it.
Like cut a tree stump, there are multiple bands to the center. Not everyone needs to be on the inner most circle. Exploring what it means to have multiple circles and holding others at different distances depending on their character is another new skill I'm development in tandem with discernment. Holding people at a distance is not meant as an offense to them, it's done as an act of self protection. If you have learned that they cannot hold space for your vulnerability, you need to stop sharing it with them. This is an act of self preservation. People are who they are, they are not going to change. Only we can decide how much of our story is safe for them to hear. And whether they deserve to hear it.
I think the bottom line is recognizing you are enough. Enough to discern who belongs in your life and how close you keep them. You are enough without their approval or acceptance. You are enough simply as you are. Once we see others as they are, we can decide whether they fit in our life or not. But we are enough to walk away and know we didn't need them if holding onto them is hurting us. We don't need them to know we are enough as we are. That is the most fundamental core lesson of it all.
