Here at the PBJA, we pride ourselves on rating protein bars through a series of different scales: Appearance, texture, and taste. Join Judges Bread, Toast, Jelly, Peanut Butter, Jam, and occasionally Judge Cutlery, as they embark on a journey to try and review every protein bar on the market.Protein Bar of the Week: Organic Vegan Greens
Our newest find this week was the Perfect Bar- the original refrigerated protein bar- with a peanut butter coconut flavor. So far in the creation of our association there has been some not so pleasant protein bars we have had the misfortune of tasting. However this bar seemed the exception of our usual bad luck. Join me judge Jelly as we explore the appearance, taste, texture, and overall judgement of the peanut butter coconut Perfect Bar.
We came to a consensus that appearance wise the Perfect Bar was merely mediocre. Our average score was about a 3 with the highest being 3.5 and the lowest being 2. And it’s true the bar resembled a solid chunk of diluted peanut butter and therefore wasn’t particularly appetite rearing. However, contrary to other bars of ours (reference our passionate first article) this one had a pleasant taste. Though the peanut butter was the most dominant flavor, soon after biting into the bar a dull by tasty coconut flavor hits your tastebuds. In an unexpected but serendipitous turn of events the bar mixed the opposing flavors of coconut and peanut butter wonderfully. The PBJ-A scored this with an average of 4 with two putting 4.5. As a group we cannot decide whether or not any bar deserves a 5, but that will be a discussion further down this rating journey. The texture wasn’t a problem but wasn’t amazing either;it was smoother than other bars but still had a slight gritty texture as is found in coconut and peanuts. All the judges gave the texture a 4 except judge Jam who have it a 3 and in general scored this bar the lowest. Judge Peanut Butter scores this bar the highest with everyone else in between. The Perfect Bar with a peanut butter coconut flavor certainly has earned its title “the original refrigerated protein bar” in the sense that my first reaction when taking a bite wasn’t remorse but satisfaction. It places top on our list so far. Stay tuned to discover other strange and exciting protein bars.
Judges’ Ratings
Appearance-
Bread: 3
Toast: 3
Jelly: 3
Peanut Butter: 3.5
Jam: 2
Taste-
Bread: 4
Toast: 4
Jelly: 4.5
Peanut Butter: 4.5
Jam: 4
Texture-
Bread: 4
Toast: 4
Jelly: 4
Peanut Butter: 4
Jam: 3
Average Ratings:
Appearance: 2.9
Taste: 4.2
Texture: 3.8
Join us next week for the Mighty Sesame Co. Tahini Bar, reviewed by Judge Peanut Butter!
This week we are taking a look at the Chocolate Deluxe Pure Protein Bar, the end result of a twisted experiment to see if humans within a first-world country can manufacture and sell a food more detestable than dirt mounds that are scavenged in a third-world country. Just in time for a little Halloween special, because this is the scariest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.
Join Judge Toast in a clash between bad protein bars and justice.
The first thing we were greeted with was the appearance of the bar. Now, like many lethal and murderous things present on this cursed planet, this bar too, has been blessed with a deceitfully aesthetic appearance. Just as the prettiest mushrooms are the most poisonous, much like how bloodthirsty sirens use appearance as a weapon to spray sailors’ organs all over the jagged sea rocks, similar to how fluffy and cute bears look despite being an apex predator, this bar too, allures the consumer with promises of being a delightful chocolate treat both inside and out. Is this a generous and luxurious coating of chocolate? Is that chocolate chips you see inside? And like the black mamba, it will indeed look like a happy-go-lucky creature until it bites you when you bite into it. Hard. But we’ll get to that later. For now, I can conclude that while I detest the idea of giving this thing any higher than a 1, the appearance factor has earned high marks all around from the council. It deceived each and every one of us, and you know what? I respect that. You win this one, Pure Protein.
However, you can’t win them all. Especially if you believe in justice in this dark world. Biting into this block of mud gets you an indescribable taste that seems to teleport you into a post-apocalyptic world in which all of your loved ones have died from nuclear fallout and you are left scavenging for dumpster scraps that you had to dig up from landslides. For a bar that claims to be “chocolate deluxe” there is absolutely no hint of chocolate, even if it seems to be the thing that makes up the whole dang bar. After a while, it begins to taste like nothing, which I can only assume was just God shielding me from enduring any further. It has a taste equivalent to chewing an eraser, and as discussed later, the texture, too. Watching the other council members’ faces go from an enthusiastic grin to a disappointed grimace filled me with a twisted, confused blend of schadenfreude and remorse that I would subject others to such a horrible thing. But I’m sure the corporate shadows behind the Pure Protein brand feel the same way.
The texture really goes hand-in-hand with the taste of this bar, in that it also sucks. Its aforementioned eraser texture seems to know no end, and even though you swore you saw a chocolate chip in there, you will never taste nor feel it as you churn this wet cement texture through your miserable teeth, a promised oasis within a scalding desert that, only when you’re dying of dehydration, your shriveled skin curling around brittle bones, do you realize it never existed in the first place. Did I mention this bar is dry, by the way? It is dry and miserable and there is nothing fulfilling about it! I would sooner be the weakest, most feeble and unfortunate creature on this planet than seek this cursed brick out for a relief from inadequacy. Because this bar in itself is inadequacy at its finest, inadequacy that is being packaged and wrapped and granted a pretty appearance and a nice blue wrapper that might make it SEEM presentable but what is it really????? A siren but more twisted! A mushroom but worse tasting! A bear but less vicious! A black mamba that smiles sadistically at your suffering, as you convince yourself that you’re ending its miserable existence by consuming it, by tearing it apart and grinding up its clay-like form because how else are you going to justify putting this in your mouth?? Letting it pass through the body that lets you experience life and exercise freedom of choice??? And what are you using that for?? ? Subjecting yourself to THIS?? Because when you’ve gone beyond the point of no return and this cursed torrent of sewage claws your way down your throat you can at least try to comfort yourself with the fact that you’ve ended its existence. You’ve won.
Except you didn’t!!! You played right into its hands!!! You’ve done exactly what it wanted you to do!!! You think that your feeble mortal soul, ingrained with morality and the ability to feel could possibly even BEGIN to comprehend a being created without a single intention for doing good?? That knows nothing in its heart, not even a desire to cause harm, that holds only emptiness inside, defined by apathy that not even your teeth trying to rip it apart could ever hope to overpower? Have you ever considered that maybe all along, there WAS no battle here, no clash between good and evil, that you were never a soul blessed with good and the ability to deliver justice, this was never a villain that you had to morally defeat, you were a pawn. A paaawwwwwnnn. How can you defeat something that feels nothing? That feels no regret, that regards none of their actions at all, that simply exists to grant pain and misfortune. Misfortune that helps nobody, not even itself!
I HATE YOU PURE PROTEIN!! THERE IS NOTHING “PURE” ABOUT YOU! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT EMPTINESS! A TESTAMENT TO WHAT KIND OF MESS CAN BE MADE WHEN A GROUP OF PEOPLE GATHER TOGETHER AND COLLECTIVELY GIVE UP!! I DON’T KNOW WHEN THE TASTE OF THIS BAR ENDS AND WHERE MY VOMIT BEGINS! I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY HATRED FOR THE BAR ITSELF STOPS AND WHERE THE HATRED FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED THIS AND APPROVED IT STARTS! AND WORST OF ALL, THE ONLY THING I DO KNOW IS HOW ALL THESE THINGS LEAD TO MY HATRED FOR MYSELF FOR BUYING THIS DARN THING IN THE FIRST PLAACE! FOR CHOOSING TO PLAY THEIR GAME, THEIR GAME THAT WAS CREATED WITH NO WINNER PLANNED FOR EITHER SIDE?? WHAT IS ONE SIDE SUPPOSED TO FEEL WHEN THE OTHER FEELS PAIN? NOTHING? NOTHING! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED FROM MAKING A HORRIBLE PROTEIN BAR THAT TASTES LIKE PNEUMONIA! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED FROM INSULTING A PROTEIN BAR THAT FEELS LIKE UNBAKED TERRACOTTA! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED, AND NOTHING TO BE FELT, AND NOTHING TO BE ACHIEVED! NOTHING IN THIS WORLD TO JUSTIFY ANY OF THIS! NOTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE TO EVER FILL THE VOID THIS CREATED BECAUSE IT IS SO INSIGNIFICANT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF EVERYTHING, THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS OUTSIDE OUR TINY WORLD AND OUR TINY MINDS AT SUCH A LARGER AND GRANDER RATE, SUCH A MARGINALLY MORE IMPOSING SCALE THAT ON THE INSIGNIFICANT PLANET OF EARTH, A TINY PROTEIN BAR COMPANY CAN CREATE A TINY PROTEIN BAR WITH INGREDIENTS LOCALIZED DIRECTLY FROM THEIR STAFF TOILETS AND IT WON’T BE A MATTER AT ALL! BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT???
There is nothing at all.
Judges’ Ratings
Appearance-
Bread: 5
Toast: 4
Jelly: 3.5
Peanut Butter: 4
Jam: 5
Cutlery: 5
Taste-
Bread: 0
Toast: 0
Jelly: 0
Peanut Butter: 1
Jam: 5
Cutlery: 1
Texture-
Bread: 2
Toast: 0
Jelly: 0
Peanut Butter: 1.5
Jam: 5
Cutlery: 0
Average Ratings:
Appearance: 4.42
Taste: 1.4
Texture: 1.41
Join us next week for the Perfect Bar Peanut Butter and Coconut review, written by Judge Jelly! Judge Toast will not be writing reviews for a while. Happy Halloween! And down with Pure Protein.
This week’s (and our first ever) PBJ review covers the Whole Earth & Sea Pure Food Organic Vegan Greens protein bar! Starting right off the bat, this particular council member (Judge Toast) is not a big fan of that name. Not that naming is part of the judgment criteria, but criminally long and bad names such as this one are a cause for an exception. This bar, in particular, was brought to our attention long before the PBJA association formed, but mere sentiments alone will not save it for the new one that Judge Bread, the first review writer, is about to tear it.
Judge Bread’s Thoughts: The Greens Food Bar was our very first protein bar that we, the judges, have tasted in what hopes to be a very great and long year of tasting protein bars. However, this bar was not a delight to our taste buds, mainly mine, due to the bar's dryness, mix of chocolate and fruits, and the chunks of cranberries. It had a more earthy texture and taste to the bar which I believe was because of the excessive amount of ingredients that was put into the bar. It was a heck of a lot as the ingredients filled most of the back of the package. The look of the protein bar received an average score due to the outside looking great with all the chocolate covering it while the inside was rather unpleasant because of the dirty green appearance making it very unappetizing. The texture, along with it being earthy, was fine except for the chunks of cranberries throughout the bar. Overall, this protein bar is one that I personally will never try again. I can’t speak for the other judges however if they personally wish on feasting on this unspeakable bar again but I will not be tasting again. I give it a zero star rating.
