So... lemme start by saying... I never originally WANTED a SD. My doctor, my therapist and my psychiatrist all suggested I get one because of how bad I am.
What I USED to do, was go around with my cat, Saru, in a pet backpack, with a harness and leash on him.
No.. I didn't do this 'to be cool' or 'because I wanted to drag my cat around' like these weirdos with fake SDs that just want an excuse to bring their carry-on yapper into the store with them.
I started out only doing it to help Saru with getting social interactions so that he could develop into a well rounded cat when he grew up, because he was a kitten at the time.
I don't have friends and don't really get along well with my family so I didn't have any other way to socialize him.
What I discovered as I brought him out more and more was something else entirely.
He was a fucking UNICORN.
The first sign of this, was the day a lady lead me around all day, to the point my feet hurt, I was tired and my stress level hit a high point to where I could barely move.
At this time, this was before I got the backpack and was rolling him around in a pet stroller.
I was so worn down I collapsed to my knees, hung my head and started to cry and whimper a little from how tired and sore I was. I was ready to give up right there. It was already dark and I was in so much pain I could barely move.
That is... until I felt someone pat my head.
I looked up, confused, only to see a tiny paw leaned out of the side of the stroller, with Saru peeking one eye at me and gave a small, concerned meow.
Well... I was touched. This little guy was trying to cheer me up and let me know he was there for me. It moved me so much, I couldn't help but smile and found my second wind.
Yes... I still hurt, but I did my best to ignore it and just get us home, knowing that this little guy was on my side and did all he could to help me feel better.
This didn't stop at that either.
Saru over time, started to pick up more and more on my mental and emotional state all in the span of a year. To the point that he became my... 'service cat'. What started as a means of getting him socialized, became my lifeline.
It wasn't even just my mental and emotional health he looked out for either.
If I was on the verge on an attack, before I even knew it, he was alerting me, meowing till I moved away from the area, opened the side of the bag and stuck my hand in so he could lick it till he was sure I was okay.
If I was feeling depressed at home, he would come up and lay on my chest and purr till he felt I would be alright, as well as for anxiety attacks.
If I was in pain, for any reason, he would insist I sit down or he would NOT stop meowing at me. As soon as I sat and rested, he'd calm down.
If my blood sugar was too low from not eating as much as I probably should've that day(like skipping breakfast), he would meow at me till I got something to eat. Then he'd calm down.
And if I didn't listen to him at any point in time? Ooooh, he'd make a stink. He'd not just meow, he'd paw and claw at the backpack relentlessly!
I took him to group therapy with me for the time I went and he'd be let out but he'd always stay close by or rest on the couch and watch me. He was the joy of the group, everyone loved him and noted how attentive he was to me.
The trouble is... I couldn't keep it up forever.
Saru IS a cat after all. He can't BE a Service Animal legally here in the US and because of that, I was now trapped in a corner. I was told I couldn't bring him with me anymore to my therapy sessions, because the owner of the building was cracking down against ESAs.
I understood... I always got lucky here because Saru always stayed in his backpack unless I was at a specific place that allowed otherwise and this is a very pet friendly town. But... it couldn't last.
Even now, tho he doesn't come with me, he complains because he can't and does still look after me in the house.
But... I needed to break down and do what I had been suggested so many times before at that point.
Oh, I tried going out alone, I did. But it felt
like I was in a constant state of panic at all times. Attacks were more frequent and I was constantly on edge.
It wasn't working... so... I backpedaled. I couldn't risk leaving the house and having frequent attacks all the time! Going anywhere that rejected him was a nightmare because the only places he WAS rejected, was the place I needed to go to get my psyc meds!
With me not going tho, I did my best to at least make a way of handling it otherwise, getting it from Helping Hands, until I could get up there again. But... because I stopped going up... they aborted me from the program without warning.
I was headed in a downward spiral I couldn't get out of.
So... I decided to break down and try and do a SD.
Its not... that I dislike dogs mind you. I adore all animals. I just didn't feel I could AFFORD a dog. But thanks to my starting to help out the local strays around here, the head person at Pet Partners decided to help me to be able to afford the dog's needs when I couldn't.
I finally was training a dog and it was starting to work itself back out. But... I washed two dogs before I got to my current one. Sans, because he could NOT be trusted off-lead and Kiiro, because he'd freeze up around strangers and become unresponsive till I got him away from the situation. He wouldn't even lay in the room with a stranger if the room was too small.
Kuro, my current girl was doing beautifully.
If she was working, she knew to go potty and then return to me right after. She had no fear of strangers but also knew better than to let them reach for her.
Kuro was doing so wonderfully! She even picked up commands really fast! But... that all started to spiral downward the moment I realized... she wasn't responding to my attacks at all. She couldn't tell when they were on the verge like Saru.
Sure, I taught her DPT. She'd do it for a bit. But after a while, she'd decide that she was bored of laying in that spot and rather lay beside me, which was not helpful.
I don't wanna wash her too, but if she can't smell my anxiety before I know about it then... theres not much I can do.
I need to be told BEFORE it comes about. Heck, Saru even would tell people to step back if they got too close behind me to make sure I didn't have an attack. While Kuro still hasn't figured out to auto-block for me. I have to tell her to.
Honestly... just writing this is making my anxiety trigger... so... I'm gonna take a break for now... lay down...
