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Dear Diary Thingy,

Today is the day America celebrates its independence from mother England. Why we still call it mother England I'm not quite sure, I'm an adult and celebrate my independence from my mother and I still call her when I fall down or get splinters.... I mean if we don't want England's help we should stop calling her mother altogether.... Anywho... Now we are our own country, and make our own mistakes. Eat out everyday spend money we don't have, make noise and annoy all of our neighboring countries cause that's what obnoxious neighbors do! So pop them fireworks and tell everyone we're better then them!! Murica!!!!!! Yours truly, Peachfuzz

#independenceday #4thofjuly #motherengland #horribleneighbors #dear diary #Dear diary thingy

Dear diary thingy,

This is about Cilantro, and it changed my life.... Apparently some people. Supposedly taste soap when they eat cilantro.... I am having difficulty fathoming this. Like cilantro is spicy.... soap is not spicy, I don't understand. I asked Keeri and it's spicy too her.... that's 100% of the people I have asked and so far no soap.... When I go to a Mexican restaurant from this point forward I'm going to ask if they put soap on their food. Furthermore. I will ask everyone I meet what cilantro tastes like. That is my new greeting. "Hi, I'm KC. What do you think cilantro tastes like? And if your answer is soap. We can't be friends. Truly yours, The great KC Johnson

#cilantro #tasteslikesoap #dear diary #dear diary thingy #funny

Dear Diary Thingy,

Those of you who know my little sister Keeri well, if at all know that she sneeze like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. This being said, she had a couple relatively large sneezes at lunch after which I told her to stop trying to hold in her sneezes because it makes it worse. After a few minutes a massive building shaking sneeze comes out of her face which she quickly exclaims "I didn't try to hold it in!!!" To this I tell her, "I am never blessing you again... There is a demon inside you that is never getting out!!" Forever yours, The great KC Johnson

#sneeze #demon #funny #dear diary #Dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

Laugh if you must, but I have never driven stick. My dear sweet mother took me to the mall parking lot to learn tonight. I didn't do very well. I can't get the car moving with out a couple pretty big jolts..... and I think the circles we were making when I did finally get going was making somebody nervous because after about 15 minutes mall security comes driving up and flashes his dumb wanna be orange lights at me. He didn't even come up to us and say anything... he sat about 50 feet away with them damn lights. W/e dude.... I woulda happily told you the story of my first manual driving lesson. His loss. Forever yours, The great KC Johnson P.S. *fast car sounds*

#driving stick #vroomvroom #mall security #wanna be cop #dear diary #Dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

I wouldn't be caught dead in a romper. Now what you think you read was KC would never wear a romper. In actuality anyone that knows me knows I would wear the crap outta one of those. Make it my own! Don't care what nobody thinks! Have you seen me in leggings?? So what I mean is, if I die in one of them adult male summer onesies I expect my closest friends to put me in something more acceptable for a funeral. Yours forever, The Great KC Johnson P.S. An open casket in my birthday suit would be hilarious!

#dear diary #Dear diary thingy #romper #birthday suit

Dear Diary Thingy,

I'm a watcher, as in I watch people. How they react to certain things or how different they may do simple tasks. It sounds creepy... ok it's a little creepy. But don't you just love my stories? People are amazing!!! And sometimes very stupid. This one time (coulda been last night, coulda been last year, you don't know.) At this one place (same thing, let your mind wander, coulda been anywhere) This lady is with her daughter I assume. Lady:"I'm getting your birthday present now. Just pretend to be excited next week." Daughter:"what are you getting me?" Lady:"I'm getting you girl hygiene products because your a young woman now." Daughter:"that's weird." Lady:"I know it isn't a normal birthday preaent..." Daughter:"No, becoming an adult is weird.. I don't think I'm going to do that." At this point I had to walk away, I wanted to laugh so bad. Right place right time. You know what little girl. Nobody wants to adult, it's awful... seriously... I choose forever childhood. 2nd grade teacher:"so Kassim what do you want to be When you grow up?" Kassim:"Well miss I thought real hard about it. Stressed. Dreamed about growing up, having kids. Bills. Doing whatever I want. I woke up screaming!! Ef that! Imma be a kid forever!" *gets sent to detention for saying "EF"* Forever yours, The great KC Johnson

#adulting #growing up #people watching #dear diary #dear diary thingy #detention

Dear Diary Thingy,

I woke up this morning to the continuous sound of my phone connecting and disconnecting to the charger. I reached to see what was wrong with it. Nothing, it was connected just fine, totally charged. I took it off the charger but the sound continued! It wouldn't stop. *bee-doop* *doo-beep* Over and over..... after I showered I cleaned out my ears, but to no avail. The sound continued to haunt me. *bee-doop* *doo-beep* I continued getting ready for work, but nothing changed, the sound had become part of me.... A never ending heartbeat of a cellular device digging into my very soul, taking over mind mind! Help me diary, I can't take much more. Mournfully yours, The man formally known as the great KC Johnson

#loosing my mind #hearing things #dear diary #dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

I always thought that watching myself would be like really enjoyable. Like if I went to the premier of a movie I was in it would be amazing seeing myself up there dodging bullets.... or running from an alien.... or awkwardly getting turned down by the girl next door... you know. Whichever genre I ended up in. However!!! Today after rewatcging my own standup it was extremely cringey... Like I didn't like what I saw.... so this begs the question. How do Celebs do it? Does Chris Pratt look at his movies on premier and hate everything he says and does??? So many questions.. no answers... for now! Yours truly, The great KC Johnson

#chris pratt #celebs #cringey #if I was famous #dear diary #dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

Another Abbi moment today. After already explaining to her why she was going to grandma's today while driving her over to grandma's she says to me "not grandma's I already told you." Well this went on for about five minutes and finally I told her that grandma was going to miss her when we move and wants as much time with her as possible. Abbi: "No Daddy, try again." Yours truly, Speechless Daddy

#toddler days #attitude #dear diary #dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

My daughter will be the death of me. While scolding her I said "I'm not messing around!" She proceeded to shake her finger at me and mock me "I'm not messin round!" I couldn't contain my laughter I had to turn my back and pretend to cry. So aunty Krys and Aunty Keeri told her she broke my heart. She sat there huffing and puffing and said "me no understand!" I about died laughing... Chelsey fell on the floor laughing. Yours truly, The great KC Johnson

#toddler #toddler drama #dear diary #Dear diary thingy #copycat #funny #adorable #adorbs #funny things #best dad award

Dear Diary Thingy,

I really want one of those screaming music note instrument things. It's really just not the same when I'm screaming the notes. Yours always, The Great KC Johnson P.S. I hope the lady in the car next to mine at the stop light didn't call 911. I was only screaming music notes to the song on the radio.

#dear diary #Dear diary thingy #otamatone #screaming music note

Dear Diary Thingy,

So much has happened. So much still to come! I'm totally losing my mind! But that's ok, that seems to be when people enjoy me most, when I'm out of my mind. Wanna see more of KC not in the right mind? Come see the show this weekend April 29th at 7pm at Elks Lodge in Garden city! The laughs will be great!!!! Forever, KC Johnson

#standup #dear diary #Dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

You could be having the worst day ever... like nothing could get worse except "your 5 year old beating you at video games after drinking your last soda" kinda bad day! Like it's even raining you know, so you already hated today, and you wonder where the hell your wife is taking you cause you know you gotta go home and eat a dry chicken sandwich or something. When suddenly $1.00 tacos! TACOS!!! It's not even taco tuesday!!! What a magical surprise! Tacos make everything better! Forever, The great KC Johnson

#tacos #tacosarelife #worst day ever #toddlers playing video games #dear diary #dear diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

My daughter is the craziest thing. I don't know how she comes up with these things. During Easter dinner we told her she needed to finish her food before she would get a cookie! She said she was full! So I told her if she was too full for her dinner she was to full for a cookie! She didn't like that. From this point forward as she ate her food she had finger on her face, and with each bite she moved her finger up her face and by the end of her plate her finger was at the tip of her forehead!! Do you know what she said she was doing?? She said she was testing how full she was so she still had room for a cookie! Love always, KC Johnson

#easter #kids are crazy #dear diary #Dear Diary thingy

Dear Diary Thingy,

I had never actually felt "hangry" but I'm pretty sure I'm feeling it tonight. When every little thing gets you frustrated, but you had an altogether good day. You just aren't sure why you are upset! And then your wife comes home smelling like fried foods you just hate everything!!!! It doesn't help she snap chatted pictures of her feast! No she has to bring that damn smell wafting in with her! Then I'm like oh yeah I had chex cereal! It wasn't frosted flakes, and it definitely was not GRRRREAT!!! It sucked.... I want food.... or something.... I don't know what I want.... yea food... no... Regrettably, KC P.S. I had the opportunity to to go with her. But I don't like calf fries.....

#dear diary #dear diary thingy #hangry #p.s.#fried food #hate everything #snapchat #ceral #Calf fries

Dear Diary Thingy,

*spoiler alert* My son is obsessed with video game walk-through’s. Last night as I’m laying in bed I hear Aladdin crying in the next room. After a few minutes I get up to see what’s wrong. I open the door and his tablet is half way across the room playing the end credits to paper Mario color splash. I grab his tablet and lay down next to him. Me: “what’s wrong bubba?” Aladdin: *inaudible sobbing* Me: “you’re going to have to calm down and explain to daddy what is going on…” Aladdin: “Huey is gone!!!!!” Me: “who’s willy?” *still hard to understand* Aladdin: “Huey! He went into the sky and is gone forever!!!!!! *more sobbing* Me: "did you just watch the entire ending to paper mario?” Aladdin: “YES!!!!!” *SOB* “I WANT HUEY BACK!!!!!”

So Huey is the paint can in paper Mario color splash. And he leaves the galaxy to save everyone else from Bowsers black paint…. thank you nintendo… you broke my five year old son heart! Regretfully yours, Kassim Johnson

#dear diary #dear diary thingy #nintendo #paper mario color splash #we miss huey #spoilers

Dear Diary Thingy,

It was nice sleeping in my own bed. Didn't have either munchkin try and sneak into bed in the middle of the night either. They must have missed their beds too. Screw air mattresses next time I'm bringing my whole bed with! Like seriously.. I'll just bungee strap it to the roof. Truly yours, Kassim

#dear diary #dear diary thingy #sleep #vacation #air mattress life #struggle is real

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