It's about 9.45pm and as I write this I don't feel ready to call it a day. I said I'd take it easy for the bad headache. Ah, I've very little to show for today apart from these small achievements and precious moments, which, truthfully and in the end, add up to something special; Getting a full eight hours sleep Completing my full morning routine including meditation and exercise Writing scribbles and new ideas for songs I haven't finished yet Managing to submit a 5 minute contribution for a compulsory pathology discussion Practicing guitar home alone in the bathroom where the acoustics feel the best Spending time at Grandad's and Popo's An evaluation: Some of these activities I was fully engrossed in, I assure you the path discussion contribution was one, and yet some I only began to appreciate in hindsight as I began writing this journal entry. I'm distracted most of these days and so here's the conclusion I've come to: I'm not doing what I NEED to do. Maybe I need to move out, maybe I need to socialise more, maybe I need to share more of my creative content or maybe I'm just not making or learning enough stuff. Whatever, I know it's prevented me from putting my whole heart into my actions of late and this is for me a saddening reality. To the extent that I don't even offer sincere gratitude to my relatives when they cook delicious meals that have me well fed, I say little in social spaces and am afraid to acknowledge those I recognise, simply because I'm uncomfortable staring. Accumulating these negative approaches in confined time frames and spaces has me going mad inside and leaves an unhealthy external manifestation of cold and glassy blankness in my face and posture...BUT THIS IS FIXABLE! By working to improve these things one step at a time, I can overcome my inhibitions. I know it... Somehow related to watching Kevin Abstract – at his shows (where he's most confident) engaging in strong crowd participation, watching his creative process or share his origin story... it all makes me want to do amazing things, constantly, one after the other and to DREAM BIG. He branches out beyond music. Like Dev Hynes (Blood Orange), HE DOES WHATEVER HE'S CUROUS ABOUT. HE GOES FOR IT AND IT DOESN'T MATTER when he fails cos he keeps getting back up again and PUSHING ON, leaving a trail of hard losses AND HUGE WINS, all the while amassing his own personal growth, life experience and energy enough to make the amazing things in his head his future. his destiny. Beyond: I'VE BEEN SO PASSIVE FOR MOST OF MY LIFE IT'S TIME I BECAME THE HERO I NEEDED. If I could combat and overcome my biggest challenges and document, share and project how I do that out into the world at max volume in authentic, unique and captivating ways, all the hardship, all the struggles, the angst, uncertainty and loneliness I experience in the short term would be worth it. What are my struggles? Who can I empower? The anxious individual. he needs a leg up. To live for one's self instead of for the sake of others. IT'S GOOD TO BE GUIDED BUT NOT CONTROLLED; EVERYBODY NEEDS TO LET THEIR LIVES SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES FIRST AND OTHERS SECOND. Self love and whole-hearted living. It's easy to live a hard life but hard to live an easy life; the latter, in which you live and breathe loving kindness for yourself and subsequently others is so hard but so fucking important and precious and in demand. Just the tip of the iceberg; I have to address how to deal with toxic waste in the forms of habits and beliefs, people I mix with, places and ideas, COMPARISON etc... I have to figure out the authentic and unique way to send out these messages (through trial and error, ie less thinking, more doing). There are heaps of people I can think of both near and far from me that I think I can help, but how can I? By getting off my ass. The editing process for any work I do should be 1) Do it for me - something I can benefit from 2) Revise so friends benefit 3) Revise for haters; so they listen. I feel a duty of care and I feel the weight every time I run away from it. It hurts so much I get blinded and overwhelmed...sedated by it. Feels like that almost every day; losing sight of the bigger picture when I go back to uni. lectures. Getting lost in micro till it starts polluting macro, for eg: this month I've gotten caught up over whether or not I'll get to take a gap year next year. Whether or not my grades by the end of the year will allow it. Pressure of exams. pressure...I see it all as a big problem but I've come to realise it isn't because the end gaol for me isn't getting the gap year. It's learning how to deal with what I've got and to thrive with it instead of survive. (yep, the human game has changed.) So if I have to repeat year 3 of uni, it's not shameful, I haven't failed. I can't feel dejected or demoralised because the focus for me, without question is How can I learn to thrive right now? Keeping this in mind as frequently as possible and engaging with the question just as often will be the reason I succeed in the game, the game I'M CHOOSING to play. LESSONS to be learned from the week: If you're attracted to the girl that's giving you good eye contact introducing yourself's a must To say VOLUNTEERING is rewarding, humbling and a gift received on both ends is an understatement; get involved asap Change your approach to journal writing; when you start focusing on the problem, switch to the solution. This entry shows benefits of doing so Read Michael Mosley and take charge of your eating choices Bad experiences can still add lots of value to your life IF you allow them to; try and see the positives and how they can help you live better today Write a list of reasons you can place love and trust in yourself for when you're overcome by self doubt. Review and reinforce it. Smile if something makes you want to smile; love what you want to love and own and nurture your values so that they shine bright enough for everyone near and far to see Highlights/Top consumptions for the week: Watching 'Imagine' with Chester Chats with Liv Singing prac and playing guitar in bathroom investing time in curating a good outfit Going out even if I'm not feeling it Bright Thinking Mental Health Summit in Mathers House and Mindspeak at Hobart Brewing Models by MM Brockhampton noisey,reddit,LikeAVersion,RogerVee AlfoMedia The Social Animal - David Brooks Medivision Getting a bowl cut. thanks Ma Productive study in the library Being present around friends at uni Dissect season 3: oh Frank
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