Pearls, Lace, & Grace

Here is to something raw & real. For those unafraid to feel. 

[pearlslacegrace]

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

[pearlslacegrace]

12.16.19

Somehow, I find myself here; yet again. How ironic. When the thoughts are “too much too often”. The very place I have always come back to when it comes to you.

Reading through the last post, its as clear then as it is now. It was never really going to be goodbye. You still linger in my thoughts & my heart just as present as 981 days ago. The same as you will every day from now.

My last name has changed. My heart is tied to another. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But there will always be a small piece of my heart for you to call home. 

Come back home.

A&Fttm+b

xoxo Chickey Nug

[pearlslacegrace]

4.9.17

I’ve contemplated for days, weeks, even months about writing this. Here. About you. What better place though? Here where the bitter and raw thoughts and feelings were once poured out during sleepless nights and days filled with more love than I knew how to receive.  

Truth be told, you don’t deserve my time any more. You don’t deserve my emotions or effort. But that does not change the fact that I still think of you often. Maybe not every day, but often. My heart will always hold a space for you. Some of my fondest memories will always include you. But my life can no longer contain you. 

376 days ago you disappeared. There is a part of me who always knew there was a sliver of a chance that could happen. Given our past, given you are who you are. But things had felt so different this time. So right. Yet so incredibly wrong at the same time. History has a way of repeating itself. 

When my phone never lit up with your name (your number if I am being honest since I deleted your contact knowing you were gone deep down) on my birthday, I knew you were really gone. I think I needed this year to solidify things for me. In some crazy way. Yesterday, was my birthday. I was caught dead in my tracks when “Hard to Love” was sang at the concert I was attending. Making me realize one year had passed and another birthday text was not received. There is no possible way you could ever forget that day. Years in the past, regardless of our speaking status, my phone always lit up with your number. Not this year either. Today, was the death of us. Of the man I thought I knew like the back of my hand. 

You waltzed in to my life effortlessly. From the start, we were inseparable and beyond a doubt meant to be together. But its taken me a year to come to terms with the fact that what is meant to be at one time, is not what is always meant to be. We were meant to be in love. We were meant to hold each other together in some of the toughest times. We were meant to push each other and to test our limits as well as each others. We were also meant to fall apart. In the most torturous, heartbreaking manner. 

You taught me so much. About myself, about love, about life, and loss. Possibly one of the most cliche things to say. But putting that aside, I am thankful. My heart still hurts when I think of you. But it still beats a little faster. I still reminisce. Even if the frequency is few and far between. You taught me the capacity my love could reach.  You taught me how to fight with someone and how to fight for myself. You helped me learn to love someone unconditionally and you taught me to love myself. You showed me that someone could love me just as I am. You taught me as much through the love as through the let go. 

It is painful; still. I don’t know if that pain will ever go away. But the immense pain I felt let me know that the feelings were always real. We were always real. Regardless of what might have been or what lies might have been. It was always love. And a part of me will always love you. 

I will not speak ill of the things you did or did not do. You know them and I know them. And that needs to be enough. Our love was always between us. And the hurt, pain, mistakes, and shortcomings will remain that way also. 

I wish I could say I would be strong enough to never let you back in. Lord knows I would. But I do find a little peace knowing that, as I reach for the phone to call the man I now love, I will never let you back in the same way again. Some love stories end tragically. But there is always a silver lining.

I never would have appreciated love if it was not for you. 

Thank you. For the life, love, laughter, and tears. A+Fttm&b

xoxo Chickey Nug

[pearlslacegrace]

I love you back :)

It kills me there is no time or date on this. 

[pearlslacegrace]

Stay. Gone.

Please

[pearlslacegrace]

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you're doing things with; I hope you're happy. My God I hope you're happy.

[pearlslacegrace]

Even when I'm lying next to him, my heart is aching for you.

[pearlslacegrace]

Some nights, the tears refuse to fold.

[pearlslacegrace]

Every day, I miss you. Every night, I fight with every ounce I have in me not to text you; not to unblock you. But you're as much a part of my as I am a part of me. I've lost myself.

[pearlslacegrace]

[pearlslacegrace]

8716

When a bandaid isnt enough. When the pain feels like it just wont subside. When the hours, days, weeks, months keep passing & I keep waiting for the pain to get a little more dull. For it to hurt just a little bit less. Waiting to feel like I can breath fully again. 

Ironically, this is where I turned when the light went out of my world all those years ago. & again where I returned when you came back to me. & Here we are again, full circle. You’re gone & here I am incomplete; again. This time feels different though. There is such an emptiness that feels permanent. You wont be coming back this time. No explanation, no good-bye, no emotion. Just emptiness. Cold bathroom floors, wet pillowcases, loud screams in the silence of night alone in my car. No one else makes me feel more than you Which is so bittersweet. Because here I am, feeling all of this; alone. The weeks past & somehow, its been months. The silence is the most piercing, deafening, bitter hurt I have ever experienced. It was supposed to be us against the world.

The kicker is that it has been months. & here I am still lifeless. The worst was attempting to date others & having a harsh slap from reality that they are not you. They dont understand me like you do. THey dont calm the storm inside of me while making it rage all at the same time. They dont overcome ever sense of being with whispered words late at night. They are not my best friend. The person who understands me better than I ever could understand myself. You knew exactly what I needed before I knew myself. Exactly how to push but buttons yet love me when I didnt want to love myself. You made life so much sweeter. But its such a double edged sword. Your absence has taken it all away.

Sitting staring at the words I just wrote feeling a sinking feeling that it should be did instead of do. Reality is, you’re gone. You are not coming back. You’ve left me the broken sad girl I hate. That I have fought daily to overcome. But how do you just let go of a love like that? How do you just give up? I have tried numerous times. Lasting days at most. I don’t think a love like ours ever dies. 

& that is the saddest harsh reality of all. My love for you is never going to die. 

[pearlslacegrace]

I love every part of you.

[pearlslacegrace]

My mind is totally fucked & so is my heart. But I do know one thing; I'll love you for always.

[pearlslacegrace]

11915

It's strange being here again. It's all too familiar yet so incredibly new & unchartered. I've loved you for years. I have loved you, even when I haven't been able to love myself. I have cherished you, even when you didn't value yourself or find any meaning to your existence. I loved you when you were reckless with your words, your actions, and yourself. I loved you when all you did was rip me to shreds with a few simple words. I loved you when I didn't want to. I loved you when you didn't want to be loved. I will continue to love you. Even the days when you don't want to be loved. I will cherish you, I will strive to be a better woman for you; for us. I will love deeper & stronger than you could imagine. I will strive to love you as Jesus does. I will hold you in your darkest times. I will praise you in your strongest times. I will follow where you lead. Ill take the criticism we are sure to face from others with grace. I would rather recklessly love you than any other.

 The sun has risen again in my world. & I am forever greatful.

[pearlslacegrace]

862014;; Darkness

Dig deep. Dig way down & try to muster up the words to summarize your feelings. All the emotions that are swirling around in your head & heart at this very second. Its okay to feel them. Fight through the feeling of numb. Fight through the confusion & sea of questions.

Ive felt pain before. But never anything on this magnitude. Nothing as immense & diverse as this. I cant find the words to describe it & I don't think I even want to try.

Just know, youre the sunshine of my life Tatter. You always have been, & always will be.

My world just got so much darker.

[pearlslacegrace]

You're a teacher?

I am.

[pearlslacegrace]

Coming to terms.

This post is going to be a little different compaired to usual. Its much more personal to me then I would like to admit. But its time we start talking about it.

Today, at work, I was confronted by another teacher about something very personal to me. It took me completely by surprise & like usual, I rushed to answer the question & change the subject.

"Do you have scoliosis?"

This question has haunted me since I can remember. I have never spoke about it with almost anyone. Its a subject my family never even brings up. Yet, it constantly feels like the elephant in the room. With family or complete strangers, its always there.

Many, unless they know me well enough, have no idea. I assume a lot of people have thought it but never said anything. Probably some in disgust. That's usually the first thing I think of when some relationship has gone wrong. Its something I feel many will find out about & run.

Truth is, living with scoliosis means living a different life than others. Its constantly a stress factor on my mind. "Stand up straight." "That person is staring." "This shirt is too tight, everyone will know." As much as I understand I shouldn't let it affect me, it does.

I read numerous posts tonight when I got the courage to search scoliosis. Some were hurtful, some were heartwarming, & many pulled on my heart strings. But in all, it was comforting to be able to say, I understand. I didn't feel alone for once. & that's something I feel a lot with this condition; Alone.

So, here is to living with scoliosis. & I mean really starting to live. Not letting my condition run my life.

& if you have scoliosis, please please please contact me. Id love to gain friends & support through something like this. Its time.