peep my soul

I write things. This is a collection of those things. A peep into my soul.

[peepmysoul-blog]

Unknown.

I don’t know if I’m not crying because;

I know it’s not over,

or because I know it was nothing to begin with. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Please don't.

Please don’t tell people you love them.

Don’t let them fall for you. 

Then tell them the feelings aren’t mutual. 

Especially when they already don’t believe in love. 

It fucks them up.

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear Hokkaido,

I keep thinking about all those moments.

The moments where I felt myself falling. 

I'm still trying to wrap my head around how none of it was real. 

The way you looked at me. 

The way we laughed.

Those little moments of silence and calm. 

The kisses on the forehead. 

Your hand on mine to comfort me. 

Those sweet kisses. 

I done fooled myself. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear Hokkaido,

I’m waiting for the day that thoughts of you no longer cross my mind. 

I’m patiently trying to forget the feelings I felt radiating through my soul when you were near. 

I was a fool to think we were in love. 

When all it was was lust. 

Take what you need and go. 

Which is exactly what you did. 

The only thing you were good at was bed. 

So I mistook our lust for love. 

Love is a choice.

And you were the wrong one. 

Don’t tell me you love me. 

And then leave. 

It torments my soul. 

And makes me bleed.

You were so good at pretending. 

You done had me fooled.

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear Hokkaido,

I could have sworn I heard you say you love me. 

And now I just count myself.

Did I just hear what I wanted to hear?

I laid my head on your chest.

I listened to the sound of your heartbeat.

I prayed for you to tell me how you really feel.

“I love you...”

Was my mind playing tricks on me?

Or did you run because you were scared?

I couldn’t say it back because I was in disbelief.

Or maybe I just knew,

None of it was true. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear Hokkaido,

I still remember the day we met. 

The way my name rolled of your tongue.

The look on your face when I turned around.

The nerves I felt in every inch of my bones.

The comfort I felt from the sound of your voice.

How I was expecting to entertain you for an hour. 

But then I never wanted you to leave my sight.

I never wanted the day to end.

I wasn’t expecting to fall.

But I did. Slowly. Unexpectedly. 

And you weren’t there to catch me. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear Hokkaido,

I wanted you so bad. 

But wanting you wasn’t good enough. 

I hope one day I can get by without seeing shadows of you in my memories. 

But god damn how I wish I could go back. 

I use to like the way the thought of you made me feel.

Now I just wish those thoughts would disappear. 

Now, I wish I didn’t feel at all. 

For a moment, you made me feel happy to be alive. 

That I could love again.

And I wanted to keep you close. 

But there’s a reason I couldn’t say “I love you too”. 

Because in my heart of hearts, I knew.

That what we had was not love. 

No reply, is still a reply. FUCK YOU. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear you,

Allow love to break you.

Break you into a million pieces. 

Break you until you feel numb and cold and distant.

Then, allow love to heal you.

Love yourself. 

Piece yourself back together, one by one.

- a letter to me. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear you,

Let it be. Let your heart be.

Be still. Be fast. Be whole. Be broken.

Let yourself know love for all it is. 

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear you,

Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions love has to offer.

Anger. Lust. Fear. Heartache. Joy.

[peepmysoul-blog]

Dear you,

Let love destroy you.

Destroy those walls.

Defrost your heart.

[peepmysoul-blog]

Intro.

I suppose I should introduce myself a bit before I allow you to dive into my thoughts. First of all, I decided to create this blog so that I have an outlet for all the thoughts that go on in my head. Things WILL get dark, I’ll be sharing all my thoughts, heart break, advice, love, joy, hope, etc.

A wise birdie once told me that we’re human and we should allow ourselves to feel every emotion on the spectrum. Whether it be pain or joy, heartache or love, disappointment or fulfillment... ALL. OF. IT. Because we have no choice but to feel. It’s better to feel things and I'm tired of keeping it all in. This year I choose to heal from all the trauma I've experienced and truly free myself from all the heartache I've felt. I hope this helps you.  

This is for you, and for you, I mean me, and by me I mean ME. This is so you can look back at all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the experiences that make you, YOU.