love, m.

ipababasa ko sa iba, ipararamdam ko sa'yo

[love]

[pepsipluma]

lost september

i still care for you, i'd still hold your hands and hug you when you think the world is your enemy and this life is not doing you any good. i'd still give you the love i couldn't even translate into words and put into actions;

but these days, i often find myself thinking of things i want to do once all of this is over and... you are not in one those little trips i want to take,

i feel bad that you don't cross my mind as often as how it used to be; i no longer remember you in colors, foods, places, songs and particular movies

i wonder when it stopped

i love you but i am not happy anymore

[pepsipluma]

shiki no uta

i guess this is really part of growing up — we don't have the luxury of time anymore like we had before. we were both committed to some things, i have work, which can be incredibly exhausting, and you need to continue your studies while taking your internship.

it's hard to see these changes coming, to let go of the things we used to do, to traverse different paths and explore the universe in our own way.

despite of the new landscape in our life, i'm certain of one thing: my love for you is constant.

we may grow individually but we'll never be apart. you are the pinnacle of my happiness. you are my person, always.

[pepsipluma]

tomorrow is my fist day of being an official part of corporate world. i do get a mixed feeling about my work. the thought of not be able to get the job done scares me. on the other hand, it is a new beginning to look forward to, i get to meet different people and learn further in advertising niche. this is a dilemma for me, a mediocre pisces.

it feels like when my mom used to walk me on my first day of school in first grade. she stayed, watched and waited for me to get comfortable in this new, unbeknownst environment. until now, i could feel her eyes following every tiny actions i made, from turning my head to her direction to fixing my gaze to the green board, scribbled with the teacher's name. when i finally settled, it was her cue to go home. it alarmed me, knowing that she would leave me in this place. of course, i cried. i bawled my eyes out but it was no use, she waved goodbye and gave me this reassuring smile. i trust my mother, more than anyone in this world. after a couple of minutes, i calmed down then i felt okay.

if only my mom could walk me on my first day of work, i would like her to send me off in this adult life.

i hope the universe will be good to me. *crossfingers*

[pepsipluma]

i was never good with words,

you see what i did there? deleted a sentence because it does not reflect what's going on in my head, how i wish i can talk to people about the things i like; to find the right word needed in the moment.

tonight, the lightness brought by shame, guilt and the reality that i am just a mediocre pile up in my chest. ironic, is it? i feel a lot of negativity yet my bodyparts moves as ligjt as feather. maybe it is the emptiness just paying a visit, reminding me i got too distracted with the fragmented perspective i built.

life is hard but i will not stop to find the silver linings here just to keep me on my ground.

[pepsipluma]

when you think you're as important as them to you, but it turned out you never made it even to their thoughts

[pepsipluma]

miss kita, miss ko tayo

[pepsipluma]

perhaps being a strong individual is not always about how s/he you can speak his or her mind but also familiar with silence and knows when words are needed; doesn't mean s/he has no right to be affected by all forms of sadness or madness, rather s/he lets the emotions, feels it, owns it.

[pepsipluma]

i was never really confident with my own body. i remembered how many times i forced myself to drink vitamins and how many times i vomited them because they made me sick. no, it wasn't the pills or the tiredness after long walks and jogs but it was the person staring back at me in the mirror. do you ever mock your own skin and feel disgust and pity at the same time? every night, my mind becomes a warzone and madness is the glorious trophy my body could get. i wished i lived in different physique; i was tired, frustrated and fed up with my own insecurities until i learned how to, little by little, give them a chance. it's not easy to embrace your own flaws and accept them like nature when there are people who set standards of a "true" beauty, it shackles a person from exploring and discovering the beauty within but i've realized that the most important thing is how we see ourselves, not from the eyes of other people because loving yourself is not selfish.

[pepsipluma]

Some nights i would end up crying, silently with my own struggles left in my chest. I couldn't tell anyone how my frequent period bothers me a lot that it takes toll on my health, mentally and physically. I need someone to go with me because I'm really scared what would be the outcome of the test and it's sad that it seems no one is there for me. I feel helpless and caged with my thoughts when I'm alone and it's killing me. I wish I have the courage to tell these things to you.

[pepsipluma]

i am so mad about myself, i am so mad at the world

[pepsipluma]

we are in different places but we are looking up to the same moon

[wordsnquotes]

as a child i suppose i was not quite normal. my happiest times were when i was left alone in the house on a saturday.

Charles Bukowski (via wordsnquotes)

[pepsipluma]

you can only turn the world in a black and white mode in a picture, there's no such person who is entirely pure and wholly evil—

[pepsipluma]

Believing in one's existence is different from having faith in it—

[vintiji-blog]

The Birth of Venus (details)

[fyp-science]

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star then your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics; you are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all things that matter for evolution at the start of life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars are kind enough to explode…. The stars exploded so that you could be here today.

Lawrence Krauss (via fyp-science)