GET YOUR TOWELS READY, ITâS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. aka, a couple sentences from my fave lonely island songsâŠ
Like A Boss:
âThanks for coming to your performance review.â
âSo, youâre in charge around here?âÂ
âAbsolutely. Iâm the boss.âÂ
âSo, thatâs an average day for you?â
âAnd I think at uh⊠one point there, you said something about sucking your own dick?â
âNah, that ainât me.âÂ
âActually, Iâm pretty sure you did.âÂ
Iâm On A Boat:Â
âAW SHIT.â
âStay on your motherfucking toes!â
âYou canât stop me, motherfucker!âÂ
âTake a picture, trick!âÂ
âI got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies.â
âThis ainât Sea World! This is as real as it gets!âÂ
âI got a Nautical themed pashmina afghan.âÂ
âGet the fuck up!âÂ
âFuck land, Iâm on a boat, motherfucker!â
 âAnything is possible!âÂ
âPoseidon look at me!â
âBelieve me when I say I fucked a mermaidâŠâ
Jizz in My Pants:
âNo need here for the silly games.â
âI jizz in my pants.â
âThis really never happens, you can take my word.â
âI wonât apologize, thatâs just absurd.â
âDonât tell your friends.â
âIâm very sensitive, some would say thatâs a plus.â Â
âIâll go home and change.âÂ
âI need a friend.âÂ
âShe looked me dead in the face and asked âcash or creditâ.âÂ
âItâs perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me.â
âTo be fair, you were flirting a lot.âÂ
âThe way you bag cans got me bothered and hot.âÂ
âPlease stop acting like youâre not impressed.â
âLast week, I saw a film. As I recall it was a horror film.âÂ
âA song comes on that reminds me of you and I jizz in my pants.âÂ
âOpen my window and a breeze rolls in and I jizz in my pants.âÂ
âOkay. Seriously you guys? Can weâŠ? Okay?âÂ
âI jizz right in my pants everytime youâre next to me.âÂ
âWhen weâre holding hands, itâs like having sex to me.âÂ
âI wear a rubber at all times, itâs a necessity.âÂ
I Just Had Sex:Â
âSometimes something beautiful happens in this worldâŠâÂ
âI just had sex and it felt so good!âÂ
âA woman let me put my penis inside of her!âÂ
âIâll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.âÂ
âHave you ever had sex? I have. It felt great.âÂ
âNever guess where I just came from.âÂ
âI called my parents right after I was done.âÂ
âOh hey, didnât see you there, guess what I just did?âÂ
âWas sure nice of her to let you do that thingâŠâÂ
âI wanna tell the world.â
âTo be honest, Iâm surprised she even wanted me to do it.âÂ
âI ainât one to argue with a good thing.âÂ
âThe best 30 seconds of my life!âÂ
âHonestly Iâd have sex with a pile of manure.âÂ
âShe kept looking at her watchâŠâÂ
âBut I cried the whole time!âÂ
âI think she might have been a racist.âÂ
âShe put a bag on my head!âÂ
Rocky:Â
âYeah, I know him. What about him?âÂ
âHeâs really tough!âÂ
âI think that I can take him.âÂ
âIâll challenge him in public.âÂ
â____ , if youâre out there, I think youâre a nerd!âÂ
âIâll lick you and bury you like a dog turd.âÂ
âI got kicked out but the candle was lit.âÂ
âI went into training to add some muscle weight.âÂ
âI talked some trashâŠâÂ
âI took a swing but he caught me with a sucker-punch right.âÂ
âTwenty two consecutive sucker-punch rights!âÂ
âThe doctor came out and pronounced me dead.âÂ
No Homo:Â
âNo homoâŠâÂ
âYou got a fresh style.âÂ
âYouâve got the best smile.âÂ
âYour girlfriend is a lucky lady.âÂ
âWith your looks, youâd make a handsome babyâŠâ
âI like the way your shoulders fill out that shirt.âÂ
âItâs hard to pull off but you make it work.âÂ
âI know every line of Mystic Pizza.âÂ
âI kinda like the musical Rent.âÂ
âWe should goof around and wrestleâŠâ
âAre you really feeling buzzed right now?â
âIâve been thinking about posing nudeâŠâ
âIâve been thinking about fucking a dude!â
Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song):
âWanna take her home, make her my wife.âÂ
âKnew she was a freak when she started talking.âÂ
âFuck me like we fucked Bin Laden.âÂ
âDo me like that.â
âI couldnât track the metaphor.âÂ
âYour request is so irregular.âÂ
âInvade my cave with your special unit.âÂ
âShe wanted to fuck me harder than the US government fucked Bin Laden.âÂ
âYouâre harboring a fugitive. That ASS.âÂ
âIâmma smash.âÂ
âShe tried to negotiate, I said thatâs a no-go.âÂ
âImprovised some crazy shit.â
âNow throw my body in the ocean.âÂ
âThe president called.âÂ
âMr. President, to what do I owe this honor?âÂ
âStill canât say that I see the appealâŠâÂ
âOh, this girl insisted that the way we did it was merciless and exact.âÂ
3-Way (The Golden Rule):Â
âYour mom says hi.âÂ
âEverybodyâs having sex.âÂ
âI just got a page from a girl that I met last week at a Payless.âÂ
âI also have a cutie to call.âÂ
âIn two to six hours, weâll meet back and re-group.âÂ
âHold up, player, what are you diggity doing here?âÂ
âI should diggity ask you the same.âÂ
âItâs okay when itâs in a three-way.âÂ
âItâs not gay when itâs in a three-way.âÂ
âNormally I donât get down with dudes but tonight is a special exception.âÂ
âYouâre my best friend through thick and thin.âÂ
âThis rule dates back to ancient Greece.âÂ
âLights off.âÂ
âMaybe two is enoughâŠâ