[perceptiveplane]

you literally said the words i dont care about anything else and t h a t is what frightens me

because y o u were all i cared about

[perceptiveplane]

i hope you know all of this is with great love and admiration for you

but i feel that even now i am still only really followin your lead

i also understand that lately it has been more about me bein able to stand on my own than anything and i refuse to slip backwards from here

i just dont want to see you end up worse somehow

[perceptiveplane]

i cant help but feel like it was never gonna happen if you didnt find someone first and i kinda think that means you are more sick than either of us realized and that is why i think you have made a huge mistake with this decision.

maybe one day i will actually experience the love you claim to have experienced that makes this all worth it to you... but im havin a hard time lookin past the ways youre puttin your life on hold again for somethin that may not turn out to be as real or have as solid a foundation as you believe it to be or have.

i dont need you to convince me everything is fine on your end. i genuinely hope it is as real as you think and feel it to be and i genuinely hope it does work out well for you. i just need you to know that i am worried about you without you thinkin i have some kind of ulterior motive.

i did not try nearly as hard as i should have to make a clean break when i felt like i was ready for something new.

while i do have to thank you for finally makin it happen i cant help but think youre doin it for the wrong reasons and that this will continue to turn out poorly for you.

i will not be able to be there for you in the same ways that i have before and i really think you need to be doing more than it feels like you are to prepare yourself for that.

[perceptiveplane]

just tryina upgrade to happy on my own bc sad together was pretty shitty

[perceptiveplane]

bc it cant be me it cant be you either and that hurts so fucking badly but i do know what we have/had/will have will always be more real than anything else. my love is a massive infinitely looping cosmic river that takes the shape of whatever necessary to reach across all time.

i am so sorry i wasnt better prepared for everything. i am so sorry the past ten years and everything within is what it took for me to be prepared for whatevers next. i am so sorry there has to be a next for the both of us just to make whats left more bearable.

i am so sorry i didnt do more to build the both of us up when i had the chance.

but im so fucking glad we became friends. im so fucking glad we became best friends. im so fucking glad we found the love within one another we did even though it was too much for us.

i cant wait to be a part of something healthy. even if it hurts rn. i love you.

[perceptiveplane]

face to face we have watched ourselves be torn to pieces on our knees by valiance and the willingness to bear our burdens but in this world we will always have much greater success standing tall back to back ready to take on anything that comes our way

[perceptiveplane]

scars can be ugly but they dont bleed

[perceptiveplane]

i feel like the summation of

my talents & inadequacies

winds up bein

subhuman

[perceptiveplane]

even if i couldve made things better before they got worse i shouldve just recognized you didnt want any of it in the first place

i just loved you too much?

too much in the wrong way?

too much instead of myself?

why am i so fucked off man?

[perceptiveplane]

how much have i sacrificed for something you never wanted even though i knew you didnt?

how much have you sacrificed because you felt guilty and like you were doing something good for my happiness?

how much have we sacrificed only to end up not really makin each other happy at all?

[perceptiveplane]

i know you never really asked me to but like how much of my life have i given up for you?

[perceptiveplane]

youre the only person that gave me a real chance and i fuckin went totally insane and completely blew literally hundreds of opportunities and i dont know how or if i can forgive myself for that

[perceptiveplane]

i still may not experience the actual effects of my decision to actively ignore you for a couple more days and i dont know how long ill be able to keep it up

i have to though because i feel like i need you to do something to show me i mean more to you than it feels to me right now...

i have no clue what that might be or how you might go about it so youll have to figure that out for yourself

im feeling much less emotional today about this entire situation because of this decision

i actually feel kinda liberated or like i have regained some kind of footing or something

you seem to need/want it anyway so enjoy all the space you can handle

but i really dont want it to stay this way

youll think of something

i hope you do anyway

i really hope you do

i fucking love you

[perceptiveplane]

why cant i stop?

[perceptiveplane]

i dont have a framework for dealing with this... like if this is it i am literally developing the framework rn for dealing with this again in the future.

this is really fuckin hard man i need you in my life.

[perceptiveplane]

was that a mistake?

[perceptiveplane]

i just dont want to constantly feel like all of this is one sided anymore and i cant help but think that things being this way is and has been detrimental to my mental health.

so i have come to the conclusion that what i need to do in the current moment in order to acheive wholeness and happiness and stop just like generally feeling sick all the time is to consider this part of my life finished until idk what man...

i cant go on waiting for you anymore. i need my life back. i need someone that will reciprocate the feelings i have for them and its just plain not you. it never was. you never intended to be and i knew that going into all of this. i just always had some kinda hope bc you always said something back to me even though you knew how i felt about you and you knew how you felt about me and i kept talking to you even though i knew those things too.

i should not have done this to myself.

i should not have done this to you.

i should have just had enough respect for you as a human being to let you go before i set out upon the path of bringing things as far as they have come.

all i really did was end up making things worse for the both of us and i will never be able to forgive myself for that. i feel so guilty that i was so completely blinded by my feelings for you that i didnt see things for what they were and just let it be.

all ive done is stir things up and cause a mess by trying to make something fit that was probably never meant to.

so for my sake.

for my well being.

and for yours above all.

i do not wish to continue down this avenue.

i cannot.

you will probably never be capable of reciprocating the feelings i have for you because of the trauma i have caused you but the reality is you never really intended to before that.

you are an incredible human being and you never deserved to have the bad things happen to you that have. you never deserved to get caught up in the wake of my attempted self destruction.

our relationship has been nothing short of a testament to your ability to be a good person and my ability to be ignorant.

keep being good and ill keep working on being less ignorant.

maybe one day we will both be totally healthy and maybe we will find our lives to intersect once again when that happens, but until then i have to stop.

i cannot.

is this what you wanted?

for me to realize on my own that i need to just let you go?

if i am wrong about this then please just give me something so that i know so that i can stop doing this to myself.

i love you.

ill never not.

even if this is where it stops.

i genuinely hope youre happier from here on out no matter what though.

i really do.