[tookieclothespins]

[thecheeziersnack-blog]

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

I was put on anxiety/depression medicine. Im terrified but know it was the right thing to do. I also go back to work tomorrow and I want to bawl. I'm not ready to share my baby and mentally don't feel stable enough for this right now. :(

[cleancrew]

what the fuck is this bullshit

[cleancrew]

HES STILL THERE

[cleancrew]

THAT ONES NOT EVEN RED 

[curepimmy-deactivated20221111]

This reminds me of the time I was having trouble drawing fists, like

No shit I mean like on a PERSON

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

Some pictures of the little guy and the first picture of all the kids and I.

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

You should put up pictures of your new baby!

👍👍👍

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

My evening shall consist of the x-files, hard cider, corn bread muffins, wings, and ice cream. Because alcohol and comfort food is necessary tonight. And as always cuddles from my love.

[minxe-deactivated20160121]

having responsibility when you’re already an anxious mess

[ninten-dolly-deactivated2016052]

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

I don't even know what's happening to myself.

Which is terrifying on its own. Literally snapped for no reason today over the silliest of things. My poor fiance. Locked myself in the bathroom just to cry because how do I explain whats going on to anyone else when I don't even know?

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

Co-Parenting will be the death of me.

I’m only on here and have free time to sit and type this out due to my older two childrens father taking both of them overnight for the first time ever.

Which brings a whole new set of emotions and fears.

I’ve cried way to much in the past few hours. Maybe it was long overdue and needed.

I feel so lost and empty right now.

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

From the now..

I got back on here because I felt the need to blog and write about whats going on inside so I am going to just let it out.

Being a mom of 3 is tough, its more than I ever imagined. Being a mom of a 5 year old figuring out himself, a sassy independent toddler, and a baby is something I never thought I would be.

My brain is so jumbled lately. I go from feeling depressed to having the worse anxiety I’ve ever felt in 5 seconds flat. Not to mention the crazy burst of anger that I feel like I can’t control.

My birth experience with Myles (who is baby #3 and a month old today!) was pretty traumatic for me, and I’m not even sure that’s the right word for it. I found out I have HSV only two days before having him which resulted in a csection. Talk about awful. The procedure itself wasn’t too bad but I feel like I can’t comprehend all the things that resulted from the HSV. I have so much guilt and feel so angry about how everything ended up happening. Then there’s the recovery, which I should add still doesn’t feel done. Just when I start to feel better and try to do things my body laughs and shuts me down. Maybe I’m just a big baby but after two natural births involving less than a handful of stitches together this was terrible.

Anyways.. I just can’t shake feeling so guilty, broken, disgusting, and worthless lately. I have so many emotions from so many different things and haven’t had the means to cope with them. I’m still on maternity leave for another two weeks, we’ve spent the last four weeks sleeping almost every single day. Everyone just keeps telling me that’s how it’s supposed to be and I just want to scream at them. It’s not how its supposed to be. I want to do things, I want to get out of the house, I don’t want to spend all day sleeping and all night trying to keep up with 3 children. I want to reach out so badly to tell someone how truly awful I feel to talk. But I feel like I’ve got no one to reach out to, no where to turn. Which just makes feeling depressed so much worse. And just when I stop feeling depressed for a minute and think I can do something my anxiety comes thru just to shut me down again. I keep telling myself if I can just make it two more weeks I’ll be back at work and I can get into a routine again. Everything will settle into a new normal. But truth is I don’t even feel like that will help. The thought of working ten hour days and then coming home to my own three children and trying to feed and bathe everyone in the few short hours we will have before bedtime is so overwhelming. Bedtime with 3 is already hell on wheels with a toddler who refuses to sleep until she eventually crashes and we have to move her to her bed, only for her to wake up in the middle of the night and end up in bed with mom and dad. Most days I don’t even eat until after the kids have gone to bed. Partially because I have no appetite and spend the day sleeping, partially because with three kids I can’t find the time to. As I type this its quarter after 8pm and I still haven’t eaten a meal today. I keep finding myself in the kitchen but I have absolutely no energy to make anything and nothing looks good enough to waste energy I don’t have to make it.

Did I mention I’m now engaged?! To thee most wonderful man. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel so loved. Which is so contradicting to how I’ve felt the past few weeks. He tries so hard to help and keep my head above water as I go through all of this. He’s there, he listens, he shows so much love. But I constantly worry I will be too much for him and he will end up leaving.

It’s so funny how even when you feel like you’re drowning and have no energy for yourself, as a mother I can still gather the energy I need to take care of my kiddos. I know they need me more than anyone and sometimes that’s what keeps me going at the end of the day.

[bonjournounou]

Valkyrie Eevee group cosplay !

Eevee - Becka Noel - https://www.facebook.com/OfficialBeckaNoel Espeon - Danielle Beaulieu - https://www.facebook.com/Daniellecosplay Flareon - Joanna Mari Cosplay - https://www.facebook.com/joannamaricosplay Glaceon - Caroline Dawe Art & Cosplay - https://www.facebook.com/CarolineDaweArt Jolteon - Jessica Nigri - https://www.facebook.com/OfficialJessicaNigri Leafeon - Lyz Brickley - https://www.facebook.com/LyzBrickleyCosplay Sylveon - Gladzy Kei Art & Cosplay - https://www.facebook.com/GladzyKei Umbreon - Hooked On Phoenix Cosplay - https://www.facebook.com/hookedonphoenixxcosplay Vaporeon - Andy Rae Cosplay - https://www.facebook.com/andyraecosplay

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

It’s been far too long..

Where to start.. the last time I was on here I was announcing my pregnancy and now I sit here typing with a gorgeous one month old baby in my arms.

Which means its been a solid 9 months. Do I write a novel and catch up and start from where I’m at?

So many things have changed.

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

Sawyer is being promoted to big sister! March 2016! Life has been crazy and is only going to get crazier!

[carolinebakerpoetry-deactivated]

[perfectlyplanneddisaster]

Is it the same father as your other 2? You dont post much so I'm just curious.

No it is not. I haven't been with the father of my other two since December of 2014.