Please realize that I still feel exactly the same about you now as I did 5 years ago. Maybe I’ve seemed a little distant, but it is not because I love you any less or want to be with you any less. I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control your career and school choices and I’ve been trying to give you space to figure things out. If that came across as distant, I’m sorry. Maybe me trying to not seem needy, giving you space to figure things out, and not caring about you seeing your friends frequently manifested into me coming across as distant and less interested. I promise you that is not the case. You may think my promises seem pretty empty, but you can’t run away because you think something that just isn’t the case. Don’t force yourself to see situations that are not there because you’re angry. I understand that you’re angry and hurt, but the hurt is not just one-sided. I’m hurt too. Hurt that the person I love more than anything is unwilling to have a productive conversation and acknowledge me for days on end.
I haven’t been able to do anything besides lay in my bed waiting to hear from you for 90% of the past week. All I want is for your name to pop up on my phone and for you to want to talk and for things to be okay. I believe in us and I know our time together is not done. We still have so much growing left to do together and so many memories ahead of us. Our future is attainable if you’ll let it be. I’m willing to try. I guess it’s easy to get into ruts after you’ve been with someone for so long, so I really want to try to do different things to keep our relationship exciting. One of my favorite days from the summer was when we went into Philly for the evening. If we can promise each other that we’ll have date nights and devote time to just us, I think we’ll be better off. I’ll even leave my phone in the car or away somewhere so we can just focus on us.
Like I said, I know you’re hurt. I know you think that what I’ve done was an example of me purposely going behind your back and hurting you. I know you’re too angry right now to see it any other way, but I didn’t have a reason. I don’t purposely seek out male friends to spite you. I never have done that and I never will. I honestly didn’t even want to go, I just felt bad saying no, as stupid as that sounds. It didn’t mean anything and I’m sorry it created this entire, horrible situation.
All I’m trying to do is make you feel better about everything and show you that you shouldn’t give up. I still very much want to be with you and create a future together. I don’t know if you still want that, but if you do, pushing me away for days and days isn’t going to allow that to happen. I just want you to be happy with yourself and not feel like I’m looking for someone else. Please see that you’re the one I want to be with and you give me plenty of love and attention and fun times. I don’t need to look else where for anything, and I don’t.
I’m not saying any of this strictly because I’m afraid of losing you. I am afraid, but I mean everything I’m saying and would have told you the exact same things a year ago. Please do not think that my words are empty and I’m just trying to hold on by saying whatever possible. That isn’t the case. I mean everything and believe in us so much. This past week has been awful. I never want to feel like this and I never want to be away from you because of this type of situation again. I never want to go days without hearing your voice. Your daily phone calls and stories about the gym are missed so much (even if I made fun of “Matty from the gym” who always calls you :p).
I try so hard to be a good girlfriend and give you what you need. I used to get so jealous and upset when you’d hang out with your friends instead of me, but I saw how petty that was, so I changed. It never meant you enjoyed their company more than mine, it was just an example of needing some guy time. I saw I was holding you back from pursuing a career with NJ Transit, so I stopped trying to meddle. I know I hurt you and I’m so very sorry, but please try to see the good. I’ve been hurt too too, but I know you’re a good boyfriend and everything you do has good intentions. You don’t intentionally hurt me and I would not intentionally hurt you. When we feel hurt, we have to accept apologies and do our best to move on. Take a step back and see that there are so many good qualities to our relationship. Are they all worth throwing away right now as we get ready to move onto the next phase of our life together? We have so much potential. You’re my best friend and my boyfriend all wrapped up into onto one. All I’ve wanted to do this week was text you or call you and share things that have been going on. We had such a great Friday planned for next week. You were going to come up and we were all going to hang out and have so much fun. Knowing that I get to see you on Fridays always gets me through the week, especially when I know you’re coming up and we’re going to be able to sleep together. It’s my favorite thing and I can’t imagine it not happening anymore.
You’re so special to me and such a wonderful person. You really do mean the world to me, regardless of whether you want to believe me or not. I’m trying to give you the space you have asked for, but it is absolutely killing me. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through.
I hope you read this. I hope you want to give us a chance. Please come back. I love you forever and ever and always. Pinky promise with the good pinky.
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