Alex Parilla

Just a girl who is in love with Lana Parrilla, and ships happiness before genders. -Aka ships SwanQueen ultra hard.

[my-angel-my-stars]

if you’re looking for new music or want to escape for a little bit here’s this.. a playlist i made of songs that i’ve been listening to recently that fit the theme of my book and ones i’ve listened to over the course of the years that have hugely impacted my poetry/my growth as a person. it feels like im sharing my diary, but it’s full of songs rather than words. enjoy. ❤️

[my-angel-my-stars]

i’m trying so hard not to hate you, but the taste that you have left in my mouth this time is more bitter than the black coffee riddled with espresso that i downed every morning just to stay awake after long nights with you. it’s like our love is a breeze that comes and goes when it wants to, or maybe it’s just your love. because, mine was always there, it never faltered or swayed, but you’ve came and gone just to watch me burn all over again. this time i am not ash and i cannot be set on fire again. this time i’m trying not to hate you, but the taste you’ve left in my mouth makes it hard to swallow any love that was left.

i just want my wasted time back.

[my-angel-my-stars]

i think we’re just strangers now. :/

[my-angel-my-stars]

being and becoming pt. 1 //

it hurts to exist.

[my-angel-my-stars]

hey, quick reminder:

it is okay to validate yourself when you are feeling low/are in a depressive episode. it is okay to say “i am sad, and i am valid regardless of who may have it worse.” it’s okay if it takes you hours or a few days to be able to get out of bed. what matters is that you are realizing you are the only one capable of making a change. what matters is that you are making the effort to make those changes, and yes, even the small efforts count. like calling your family back. like brushing your hair and getting dressed. like getting back into the things that you love and ground you. it’s okay to hurt, but it’s what you do with that hurt that matters.

[my-angel-my-stars]

i asked myself for months

how long it would take for

my body to stop wondering

where you had been

and long it would take before

you come home.

my hands searched for yours

long before i knew

what they were searching for

and my heart knew

it would spend the rest of my years

missing you,

loving you.

from the second you first kissed me

my lips decided that they

would rather be alone and lonely

than long for kisses from someone

who isn’t you.

falling for someone had never been

so easy.

i will love you until the end of time.

[my-angel-my-stars]

i try to remind myself that every day is precious. that i was given these lungs to breathe for a reason. but, my mind yells that we are all just skeletons slowly undressing their own rot. that we are all decaying into nothing while we are so preoccupied with becoming something. so terrified of dying with no legacy to leave. it’s hard to be present in the now, because everything we’ve ever been taught to live for is in the future. we live our lives striving for something that most of us don’t even want. i have grown to realize that i would rather fall into a pile of ash than fight for the things that don’t make me feel alive.

rot, decay, and other things.

[my-angel-my-stars]

maybe i stayed because it felt so good to finally be destroyed by someone who wasn’t myself.

[my-angel-my-stars]

he pulled me closer into his chest and whispered in my ear, “i still try to memorize your face so i can see it when i close my eyes. i trace every freckle, every crevice in your rose colored lips, and the way that each of your eyelashes curl together in the mornings. there is nothing more beautiful than falling asleep next to you only to dream of you and feel your skin against mine every time i wake.”

i adore you, you, you.

[my-angel-my-stars]

i find myself getting lost in the memories of you and i and all of the things we used to be. like how we started off as lost lovers who accidentally found the way together. or how we grew into soft lovers that traced maps down each other’s spines in the dark of night. and then we were fighting lovers, the kind who forgot how to love each other with tenderness and care. we were foreign lovers, broken lovers, now almost lovers. the kind who forgot the other existed, the kind that hated existing without them, the kind that could have made it but didn’t.

lovers who fell apart as slowly as they fell together.

[my-angel-my-stars]

oh, what an angel. 🖤

[my-angel-my-stars]

sometimes i get nostalgic for the person you used to be and the girl i was when i was with you. i think i still love you and your honey brown eyes. but, we both know the only thing left to love between us is what we almost were, what we almost had. i hate myself for not kissing you when i was sober, because the memory of your lips is foggy with drunken love and slurred words; i’m still so sure you tasted like forever. and, i just wish i could remember how it felt to be yours when you wanted me, too. i know i spent far more time being yours than you spent loving me. and, it’s been so long, yet i’m still missing you and your sunshine smile. i’m still wishing you happiness and everything i could’ve given to you. but, you long for someone else while i still ache for you, hasn’t it always worked this way?

I’M JUST A MEMORY TO YOU

[my-angel-my-stars]

i wish i could go back to the simpler days before my hands shook like earthquakes and my body was a graveyard for toxic lovers. i’m so full on the things i never got to say that i’ve started to choke on each word as they push their way up my throat. my cheeks burn green and red with jealousy and anger over all of the things i lost and all of the things i never got to be. how do i forgive the world for giving me life without giving me love?

[my-angel-my-stars]

some will call this love beautiful, some will call it death, i say it’s both. we are a beautiful disaster, the eye of a hurricane where everything is calm and the destruction forms. we’re better at falling apart than we were at falling together and i think we both know that, because it took us so many tries before we even got it right and it still wasn’t enough. ‘pomme de terre’ is italian for hold to the earth, but lately i feel like i’m buried six feet beneath it. i can’t say that they didn’t warn me, that they didn’t tell me his honey laced kisses wouldn’t cause my mouth to stick shut. that my lips would learn to quiver when they come in contact with his. i felt special until i didn’t. until i realized that he’s so good at ruining girls with innocence and light because he lacks his own. i’ve been so blinded by him that i’ve forgotten how it feels to see clearly.

you’re leaving me in ashes.

[my-angel-my-stars]

please don’t give up on yourself, you’re worth it.

[my-angel-my-stars]

ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore? 🥀

[my-angel-my-stars]

i see right through you.