welcome to the big sad

hey. you feeling sad? maybe you'll find something here you can relate to

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I wish I could hide guys... but shame just keeps following me. I just keep doing the wrong thing.

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Today's been a hard one. Every time I feel like I'm actually doing well, I mess everything up. And I literally can't blame anyone but myself... can anyone relate?

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hi sorry I haven’t posted my life is falling apart

i love all 5 of youuu smmmm 🥺

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When do I get to be happy? When do I get to leave this wilderness?

Why do I feel like I will only be happy with him?

Why can’t I get over him?

Am I waiting or wishing at this point?

How long will I have to watch and wait?

How long will I have to be patient?

How many more times does my heart have to be broken before I am rewarded with the person I end up with?

Why am I in the wilderness? Why have I been here so long? Why does this mean so much to me?

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do you ever worry about if you’ll be alone forever, even though you know it’s not true. you know you’ll find love someway, somehow.

but do you get that same looming thought that I do?

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i just...

i just really want to feel beautiful.

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i wish i could be like you. you don’t bc seem to care. it didn’t seem like you were phased by this at all. if i ever told you about how i felt all this time after, you would draw back with no issue. why can’t i do that? why do i still care? why do i still want you in my life? why? what’s the point? i’m the one who looks insanely stupid for this. anyone with some type of sense would be over this. anybody would’ve been over this in a week. a month tops.

why did i get hurt so deeply? will i ever get over this? what’s gonna happen when he gets in a relationship?

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Do you ever want to run from your responsibilities?

Move away, have a new name and start over?

Make new friends and meet new people?

Yeah.. me too.

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don’t you just hate this question? 

it’s irritating, it can make you break, or it can make you close up even more. 

how does this question make you feel?

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bruno major kinda gives me hope about finding love

idk tho

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if you fight hard enough you can emerge from the darkness

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✨Little girl never be ashamed of your big nose and full lips✨

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almost a year later and i’m still deep in my feelings

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I’ll never get over you 🙃

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You’re an idiot. It’s funny right? Learn to take a joke. Chill out. You’re just too sensitive. You’re an idiot. In an instant I feel a crack. An immediate attack on my inward person. My truest form of myself. The one who does not hide behind the podium or microphone. The one who does not have to put on a show every single day just to get by. Without really knowing why a show must be performed. You’re an idiot. I feel the rush of words coming to my mouth. Rushing to the tip of my tongue with sharpened swords ready to defend myself. But with an inhale the words are blown away and forgotten. My words are contained to show respect to someone who has no respect for me. But it’s a joke right? With every insult, with every joke my true self begins to put on a mask. A mask with the word idoit plastered on it. Each day this mask grows tighter until it feels like it is one with my face. Who am I? An idiot? Who is that real person? Now the world may never know.

(via perpendicularpromises)

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missed opportunity

Isn’t it sad that I’m still stuck on you? No matter how I try to get over you, you sir are the person I go back to. When I’m with other people I’ll think “you’d treat me better than this” or “if we were in this situation things wouldn’t be happening this way.” But the way it looks, I won’t know if any of these scenarios are true. After a little under a year of wondering if my instincts were true, then  after almost another year of mourning the truth I still wonder “Do you think of me?” “Do you feel how I feel?” “Do you have to find things to fill the void like I do?” “Is there even a void that needs to be filled?”

God bless the woman that gets to be with you. The woman who gets to go on road trips and meet your family. The girl that your friends will hype you up over. The girl that will constantly see the real you. The you that I only got a glimpse of but was completely drawn to and am now broken because that person is now gone, never to be spoken to again.

Where are these secrets that you hide? Why do you hide? What do you fear will come to the open? What do you have to protect?

I cherished the precious moments when I got to see what was locked inside. To see the beauty  between the broken cracks of life. To see what puts a smile on your face. At one point in time I like to believe that I used to be the reason for that smile.

It didn’t matter where or when, I’d only hope that your heart jumped a little bit when our eyes would meet as mine would. I hope that you would walk away with a full heart when we parted as I did. I also hope that your heart hurt only a little bit as everything came crashing down for me.

These days have been cold and dark for me. How have they been for you? Are you okay? Do you have trouble sleeping at night? I often think about what I did to bring everything to an end. I often think about what I did that made you sad at one point.

Oh how I wish you spoke up. I wish you were overwhelmed by your emotions that you had to say something. I wish I could know what you really thought about me. I wish I could know if you actually cared about me. You were always too good for me anyway. You literally could have any girl because they all wanted you.

For a few short moments I was the one you wanted. Just a few short moments. I wish I could relive those days because I didn’t realize how little time I had. But somehow something changed. Did I change? Did you change?

All I want is another chance.

I still want to be the person who gets to be by your side when you plant your first church. I want to be the person who gets to be with when you get around to finally start writing songs. I want to be the person who lifts you up in prayer in the dark moments. I want to be there for you when you have those tearful drives home. I want to be there for you. I wanted to be there for you but you shut me out.

Now I feel like I don’t have access to the real you or just you in general. I feel like it’s like walking on egg shells around you when we talk because I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

I wish I didn’t care anymore. I wish you didn’t consume every one of my thoughts. I wish going a certain amount of time without thinking about you wasn’t a huge accomplishment. I wish...I wish.

I mourn the death of us. We could’ve had something beautiful and now I’m stuck thinking about all the what ifs. What if we date? What if he comes back and says he likes me? What if he says he’s willing to risk it all just to be with me? I have to let this situation be dead to not get hurt over and over again.

But even though the situation looks, feels, and is dead I still dream about us being together. My mind wanders with thoughts of us laughing together like we used to. Or if even us spending long interrupted time together. That’s what I dream of. That’s all I want. I just want us to be together. Then I feel like I will truly be happy again.

I wish that God would grant me another chance with this. Another chance to be the reason for your smile and your laughter. I pray that this would happen everyday. But still I wait. I hope to end up with you but if the Lord says no I just have to accept that.

But oh how I wish you were the one.

[perpendicularpromises]

Me:I have box braids but I kinda want to work with my natural hair without the protective style

Me: But also I want to try out faux locs again

Me: But I haven't had a weave in a while. Me: But think about all the really nice natural styles I could try out

Me: I haven't had crochet in a while

Me: Should I do the big chop?