Perpetually Numb @perpetuallynumb - Tumblr Blog

Yeah. I'll kill myself this week.

I do not wish to be perceived through a delusional lens. I wish to be seen as myself. As a human. Complete with all my scars.

I think I'll kill myself this week

Perspectives

If you can see them.

They can see you.

It just depends on who cares enough.

To look.

Oh the ecstasy of surviving an attempt LMAO

Living "despite" and for what??

Also funny how my friends shames me for being a "sadboi" when I just want to fucking die and don't want anyone to stop me. LMAO I'm not asking for you to stop me nor am I trying to manipulate you into telling me things I want to hear. i just want to die to end my fucking suffering.

Nvm. Alcohol makes me want to kill myself even more LMAO.

Still drunk as shit. If alcohol and drugs are bad why does it make me feel like I don't have depression?

There are times when I just think what if one of my attempts succeeded?

What if the cut was deep enough?

What if the no one called me that one night?

What if I listened to the call of the void?

What if the rope was strong enough?

Idk i may have not met one of the most important people ive ever met and not experience good memories with them.

But now I can feel them getting tired. Reasonably enough. I have drained too much energy from them as I always do. I wish I wasn't this draining.

But i realized the only way that's possible is when I'm gone.

I had a great day. And yet I still feel like shit. My best friend was right. Just when will I ever not feel invisible? Actually I don't know as well HAHAHAHA my brain has accustomed itself to my presence being invisible and insignificant unless I'd have unfair amounts of attention and assurance that would make me think otherwise.

It's unfair and exhausting for people. I am fully aware of that. But it's been a habit that nurtured me for a couple of decades that I find it really hard to outgrow and fight my brain from not thinking of it. I know I'm exhausting. I know I've overstayed my welcome. I know I'm crossing too many boundaries. And I know I'm asking for too much. But how am I going to fix it? I've been seeking therapy for quite some time now. And sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been helping because whenever I'm with someone my rational side takes over. Like a defense mechanism protecting my pathetic self from being found out. "I acknowledge my lacking" "I am aware of my own problems" maybe to make people think that I am capable of actually taking care of it on my own.

When in reality I can't. When all rationality is gone. The first thing my brain dwells into is being loathsome and being pathetic as shit. Like reality hitting back at me exposing me of my fake strength that I got everything under control. It doesn't matter how aware I am from my own shit if I don't really know how to get out of the state of my current psychosis. I'm drunk right now and I'm not thinking of killing myself at the moment. But what about in the future? Will I always be plagued by this fear of insignificance? Of this insecurity that no matter how much I change, how much I improve. Nobody would ever actually love me? I sound embarrassingly pathetic right? Is this toxicity just bound to me until some impossible person out there will be the underlying factor of me thinking otherwise? How long will this keep up? How many more people am I going to drain just for the sake of this temporary catharsis of being liked? Being wanted? Being a priority? Being seeked for my very being? Why do I need such emotional investment? Was it because I'm lacking any sexual desire? That all of my desire goes to my desire to be understood? To be held? To be supported emotionally? That's so unfair!!! At this point I don't think any human would actually do that for me. Good thing for other people they just have sex and they'd feel content, they'd feel loved, desired, wanted. Why do I need something so grand even if I don't deserve it? Why do I keep yearning to be seen in the brightest light when I've been drowning in my own despair for most of my life?? So fucking pathetic. So fucking sadboi. I should just die to be fucking honest.

The funniest thing about this is that I've always been like this. I often saw myself with a few points of maturity sometimes. But whenever I get to a point of patheticness I'd always come back to this place. And then I'll become numb again. Back to the safety of apathy. It's better if I don't feel anything sometimes.

I'm actually so drunk rn and if it's the only thing that's keeping me from offing myself atm then so be it LMAO

Ah yes i can put all my stupid shit here and no one would ever notice.

Tho I did hint that I have a tumblr but eeeehhh I doubt my close friends in telegram would actually search for this GAHHAHAH

Or maybe there's one hmmm nah they're prolly not on my list I think kek to drunk to check in fact idek how to put and remove shit there LMAO

Deadlines

For some reason I've always found comfort in having deadlines in any form. Not so I can procrastinate or anything it's just somehow comforting to know or gauge the amount of energy I would set for the task and there's an actual end goal on when you should finish it.

Perhaps I got too obsessed with it I started giving my own existence a deadline of its own. Like a self-proclaimed execution period in an attempt to pressure myself into finding a reason to keep living. To keep holding on to something.

It started from 20 to 24. Every year my goal is to find something that will make me want to live longer. But every year I just started getting fixated on the pleasures of the present and slowly watching such delusions crumble a few moments later.

By age 24 i started shortening the deadlines from months, to weeks, then a few days. Carefully planning every day that maybe life is a little worth living for. And then watch myself in disappointment that it really isn't. And usually it's the smallest thing grown exponentially worse by my depressed brain. Maybe it's the impatience. Or maybe I just generally don't want to live longer anymore.

I honestly don't know. Am I obsessed with dying? For what? As an escape? As a way to run away from everything?

I got too fixated on meeting my end and I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I honestly had a great day today. And the past few days. But what about tomorrow? Or in the next few days? Or next week? Or next month? Or next year? Or in the next decade? Will I ever feel that life is worth living for that long? Will I ever stop feeling invisible? Will I ever grow out of this patheticness? Will I ever feel worthy of staying longer way past the deadline I've already set myself a few moments ago?

Maybe.

But I often doubt it and I honestly don't know what to do about it.

"I am a living irony of everything and nothing."

I wish to love and be loved and yet I'm afraid of the very feeling of being greedy towards anyone's affection. I wish to be owned but I always felt like I want to be free. I wish to be a better person but I'd always end up repeating my toxic cycles and I wish to be truly happy but I'd always prepare for it to be just brief. Something temporary.

Everyday it's getting hard to explain how I can't really see a future with me in it. Be it 10, 5 or a year from now. I can't see myself having a life outside of just tomorrow or next week. And it's really hard to tell that to people. I do not want any pity nor want other people to look down on me. Maybe I just want my mind to be changed. Or convinced that someday or somewhere out there I'll live out a life that's worth being proud of or worth surviving everyday for. Because honestly. I really can't. I don't see it. And it's frustrating how I can't convince myself otherwise. I always felt like I'm doomed. It's pathetic.

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