Show & Tell
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Peter Solarz
official daine visual archive
izzy's playlists!
Monterey Bay Aquarium
@theartofmadeline
sheepfilms
Xuebing Du
trying on a metaphor
Origami Around
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
blake kathryn
pixel skylines
taylor price
untitled
ellievsbear
No title available
★
Love Begins
seen from United States
seen from Jordan
seen from Ukraine
seen from Germany
seen from Brazil
seen from Venezuela
seen from Venezuela
seen from Venezuela
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
@personal-fbi-agent
It’s official. I have no idea what you kids are talking about anymore.
My ability to research memes has been outpaced by the digital generation’s ability to invent new ways of saying nonsense. It’s getting hard to tell what’s a legitimate threat.
...Maybe it’s time to retire.
Allow me to de-introduce myself
My name is [redacted]
When you get kidnapped, it’s up to the monster in your closet, your assigned demon, and the FBI guy in charge of watching your phone to rescue you.
Yup. Why do you think I have an emergency briefcase full of monster snacks and top-quality brimstone?
In the event of your kidnapping, someone’s gotta keep the deathboys™ happy, or you’re never getting rescued.
...I really don’t get paid enough for this job.
The plot thickens.
This whole operation has caused more excitement than I’ve had in YEARS, thank you.
I almost hope you guys succeed. After all, Area 51 has the best donuts. They’re really out of this world.
me: typing into google a bunch of words and phrases to find that specific vine
fbi agent:
I've moved past the point of trying to understand. There is only acceptance.
@ All Other Agents
Which one of you ate my donut?
You're going to have to be more specific. I've eaten many donuts in many places.
HEY ALL AGENTS
Reblog this or message me with a short description of what you look like-ish. I’m trying to draw a little comic of all of us together. Thanks!
I’m -ahem- a tall, dashing, middle-aged man with a sexy smirk and gorgeous smoldering dark eyes. Oh, and it may not be relevant, but I have abs that would make Thor die of jealousy and go to Valhalla. I would just like to contrast myself with Jerry, who is a sad, frustrated young pipsqueak who whines about the lack of salad choices in the cafe vending machine.
…Hey, this is the coworker “Jerry.” I found Agent Jerk’s unfinished post up on his work computer station. Well… joke’s on him. Let me fill you in on the COLD HARD TRUTH:
Agent Jerkface is addicted to donuts… Yes. You can imagine how that affects his appearance, right? Let’s just say he’s definitely NOT a field agent. He’s 49.8 years old, he often forgets to shave, and his “sexy smirk” is actually more like the grimace that old folks make when they aren’t sure they get the joke. He says “ya’ll” far too much, even though he’s definitely not from the South. He does finger guns unironically whenever he answers a question. I’m not sure he could beat a kitten in an armwrestling match… It’s all flab, folks.
All right I’m gonna… just post this before he comes back. He’ll probably try to get revenge somehow, but his idea of a master plan usually doesn’t progress beyond “step 2: eat breakfast.”
…totally worth it.
Jerry out.
Ouch.
I leave my blog for a few days and come back to find I’ve been viciously sabotaged by a (jealous) coworker.
You just wish you were as cool as me, Jerry.
Anyone have any good suggestions for payback?
Steal all his pencaps. Unplug his monitor. Loosten the castor on one of his chair thingies so it tilts ominously but never falls. Call his phone and blast the dialup noise until he hangs up. Then do it again, 100 seconds later. Take a bite out of his sandwich in the fridge and then put it back. Just before everyone leaves for the night, turn his desk lamp on; it’ll burn out quicker, and most likely at an inopportune moment. Fill his filing cabinets with unrolled toilet paper. Pour honey on his chair. Stick a nail to the underside of his chair so it screeches when he rolls around. With a permanent marker, draw a quick flick across every single one of his post-its and note blocks. Stuff a wax earplug into his headset, either so he can’t hear, or can’t be heard. Every time he leaves to go to the bathroom or something, dump an ashtray over his keyboard, just so it gets sooty. Call the swat guys on him when he leaves after dark. After several weeks of absence, abruptly return all of his pencaps with the clip broken off, and stuffed with oregano.
And in dire circumstances, only to be used as a last resort: on drug test day, pretend it’s someone’s birthday and bring in lemon poppyseed cake. Make him eat several slices. Better yet, tell him you thought it was HIS birthday. Then wait for the hysteria.
–terrorist porg
I’m not sure whether to say thank you, or be concerned that you had all of that waiting.
I’ll go with thank you.
Me, under my breath: Man, all these young agents joining Tumblr now make me feel-
Jerry, shouting from his cube: Like an old fart?
Me: I was going to say proud, Jerry. All of them make me feel proud. Except you.
Hi
I hope you don’t mind another one joining the office but I thought maybe you could use a forensic scientist who likes pop tarts and blowing stuff up @yourfriendlyfbiagent @fbi-agent-scout-says-hi @fbi-agent-scarlette @nsa-agent-tomas @fbi-agent-johnson @fbi-hr @fbi-bigboss-rowen @fbi-agent-mom @fbi-agent-rose @park-ranger-mia @alexthenewfbiman @fbi-tactical-medic-ace-magnus @definitely-not-a-spy @fbi-agent-duke @official-fbi-babysitter @fbi-agent-assigned-to-you @personal-fbi-agent @fbialien @everyone I missed
*Raises donut* Cheers to another fan of sweet breakfast pastries!
HEY ALL AGENTS
Reblog this or message me with a short description of what you look like-ish. I’m trying to draw a little comic of all of us together. Thanks!
I’m -ahem- a tall, dashing, middle-aged man with a sexy smirk and gorgeous smoldering dark eyes. Oh, and it may not be relevant, but I have abs that would make Thor die of jealousy and go to Valhalla. I would just like to contrast myself with Jerry, who is a sad, frustrated young pipsqueak who whines about the lack of salad choices in the cafe vending machine.
…Hey, this is the coworker “Jerry.” I found Agent Jerk’s unfinished post up on his work computer station. Well… joke’s on him. Let me fill you in on the COLD HARD TRUTH:
Agent Jerkface is addicted to donuts… Yes. You can imagine how that affects his appearance, right? Let’s just say he’s definitely NOT a field agent. He’s 49.8 years old, he often forgets to shave, and his “sexy smirk” is actually more like the grimace that old folks make when they aren’t sure they get the joke. He says “ya’ll” far too much, even though he’s definitely not from the South. He does finger guns unironically whenever he answers a question. I’m not sure he could beat a kitten in an armwrestling match… It’s all flab, folks.
All right I’m gonna… just post this before he comes back. He’ll probably try to get revenge somehow, but his idea of a master plan usually doesn’t progress beyond “step 2: eat breakfast.”
…totally worth it.
Jerry out.
Ouch.
I leave my blog for a few days and come back to find I’ve been viciously sabotaged by a (jealous) coworker.
You just wish you were as cool as me, Jerry.
Anyone have any good suggestions for payback?
HEY ALL AGENTS
Reblog this or message me with a short description of what you look like-ish. I’m trying to draw a little comic of all of us together. Thanks!
I'm -ahem- a tall, dashing, middle-aged man with a sexy smirk and gorgeous smoldering dark eyes. Oh, and it may not be relevant, but I have abs that would make Thor die of jealousy and go to Valhalla. I would just like to contrast myself with Jerry, who is a sad, frustrated young pipsqueak who whines about the lack of salad choices in the cafe vending machine.
...Hey, this is the coworker “Jerry.” I found Agent Jerk’s unfinished post up on his work computer station. Well... joke’s on him. Let me fill you in on the COLD HARD TRUTH:
Agent Jerkface is addicted to donuts... Yes. You can imagine how that affects his appearance, right? Let’s just say he’s definitely NOT a field agent. He’s 49.8 years old, he often forgets to shave, and his “sexy smirk” is actually more like the grimace that old folks make when they aren’t sure they get the joke. He says “ya’ll” far too much, even though he’s definitely not from the South. He does finger guns unironically whenever he answers a question. I’m not sure he could beat a kitten in an armwrestling match... It’s all flab, folks.
All right I’m gonna... just post this before he comes back. He’ll probably try to get revenge somehow, but his idea of a master plan usually doesn’t progress beyond “step 2: eat breakfast.”
...totally worth it.
Jerry out.
To the next chump who asks if I'm actually an FBI agent...
… I will set your phone to automatically take a selfie while you sit on the toilet.
where did the “fbi agent watching me” meme go it was so good
Into the shadows… where we are always watching.
this is very ominous thank you
My pleasure.
Chocolate Chip Cookie in a cup
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon white sugar
1 tablespoon dark brown sugar, firmly packed
3 drops vanilla extract
1 pinch salt
1 egg yolk (discard the white)
¼ cup all-purpose flour (slightly less than full)
2 tablespoons chocolate chips
Directions:
Start by melting the butter in a coffee cup in the microwave.
Add sugars and salt. Mix well.
Separate egg and white, discard the white and add yolk to cup. Stir to combine.
Add flour (just slightly less than the cup full of flour).
Add the chocolate chips and give a final stir.
Cook in microwave 40-60 seconds.
*pops mug in microwave while watching your webcam for more interesting cooking tips*
My boss, in the next room: You're not getting paid to learn mug recipes!
where did the “fbi agent watching me” meme go it was so good
Into the shadows... where we are always watching.
Here’s the weirdest thing about my job, kiddos: I’m afraid I’m becoming more like you every day.
“It’s to help me get in the mindset of a Millennial,” I tell my boss as I scroll through a feed of endless dank memes.
“I just need to know if there are any anti-government ideas in this show,” as I binge-watch Queer Eye.
“I’m just trying to determine if diet can cause political extremism,” I say as I make avocado toast for the 10th time this week.
Real Talk
The hardest part of the job is constantly seeing how awful ya’ll are to each other online. Just… pretend I’m your mom, always watching you.
Or if Tom Hiddleston was the one watching your activity online, would you stop to think before you call that (real, human) person a waste of air?
