i am dead inside

@girlrotting's eating disorder diary

[petalsfallingdown-blog]

kissing you for the first time tasted like candy and cigarettes

your breath is intoxicating and i wish you stayed longer so i could get lost in your eyes

i'm in love with you but i can't tell you that now

you're so wonderful and interesting and attractive, i feel like i don't deserve you, but i want you so much

i think about you all the time, how i'd love to wrap my arms around your shoulders and hug you, then kiss your sweet lips over and over again, and feel your tongue in my mouth

you played with my hair and held me, and i felt so safe in your arms

please don't leave me, we haven't made it to the best part yet

[petalsfallingdown-blog]

thursday, april 30, 2020

i won't let yesterday's binge keep me from restricting today. i'm doing one of those 'what i eat in a day restricting' videos for yt so i stay focused. i'm going to start working out again, every day 💕 and fix my sleep schedule 💤

I took a nap and then ate a really big meal so i feel blehh. i don't wanna exist. i'm just gonna distract myself from food for the rest of the night and fall asleep early.

total calories - 1,300

[petalsfallingdown-blog]

wednesday, april 29, 2020

yesterday i finally got to see my man and it was amazing 😍😍💕 we couldn't stop kissing each other and cuddling in the car 💘 i can't wait to see him again, ahh he's so attractive, i do be catchin feelins ;_;

me and my cousin went grocery shopping and i had a 2,000 cal + binge so i really fucking hate myself rn and i feel like a fake, but i know i'll get back on my restricting bs soon and start losing weight again. i keep gettin the munchies and it's fucking up my progress, aaanndd we makin pot brownies tomorrow so 😭 rip

total calories - ?? didn't count bc i fckn binged

[petalsfallingdown-blog]

monday, april 27, 2020

I feel like shit bc I fucking slept all day then my cousin took me to burger king and I ate an impossible whopper with a large fry, and my cousin's large fry bc she didn't want it. I feel disgusting so I won't be eating anything else until tomorrow.

my man is supposed to come over tomorrow but he'll probably bail on me again bc he's always busy. I'm so angry at everything rn and I gotta take my antipsychotics to fall asleep early tonight. I fucking hate everything. I self harmed last night so I have cuts on my legs and stomach. I haven't even been awake long but I want today to be fucking over.

total calories - 2,820

[petalsfallingdown-blog]

sunday, april 26, 2020

i want to fucking die. it's time to take things a step further into self destruction.

i've been taking adderall, laxatives and caffeine pills along with antipsychotics and benzos for sleeping. i chainsmoke all day long. i wish we had coffee here. we're too broke to go shopping rn.

last night i had sleep paralysis and nightmares. i couldn't move or breathe. i'm going to stay awake all night bc the demon is waiting for me to fall asleep again.

i am so suicidal and numb.

total calories - 1,840