Tourist Trapped: Smallest Emo Rythym Guitarist Falls Into World's Largest Bong Roadside Attraction, Fans in Uproar
41-year-old rythym guitarist and father, Frank Iero, was found this Tuesday morning, miraculously uninjured but inexplicably stuck at the bottom of one of America's lesser known tourist attractions, the World's Largest Semi-Smokable Bong.
While bandmates and friends seem somewhat desperate to save their guitarist, fans seem content to pose at the scene for selfies and autographs - the latter being understandably more difficult to accomplish.
"He was small enough to get in this mess, you'd figure he'd be small enough to get out of it," frontman Gerard Way told the press at the scene of the incident. "Ah, well. He's got air, he'll be fine."
To ensure the guitarist does not go hungry, the remaining members of alternative emo rock band My Chemical Romance have come together to provide sustenance.
"See here," said Ray Toro, lead guitarist and cupcake connoisseur, "We've got all these chip bags, right? He loves these - but the trick is getting them in there. So we're kind of just chucking them in the air the best we can and hoping they'll make it in."
As he said this, bassist Mikey Way demonstrated for the assembled crowd, while his ever-supportive brother cheered him on in the background.
"That was a ten-pointer!" the frontman declared, the lucky bag of Doritos making its landing on the head of the presumably disgruntled Iero.
"Yeah," Way continued, squinting against the sun as he observed the scene. He took a long, contemplative sip of his Starbucks latte, then nodded. "He's alright in there."
While Way seems mostly unconcerned, rumors are circulating that a petition is in place to attempt to smoke the man if it receives 420 signatures in a 69 hour time frame.
In the meantime, a small gang of fans have posed the idea of assembling a crane outside the bong - not to rescue Iero, but to deliver his guitar to him so he can perform for the crowd, even in his time of distress.
Although this is certainly a trying time for the guitarist, some have expressed doubts as to what exactly the man was doing in order to have fallen into the monstrously oversized vessel in the first place.
"He went, 'I'm gonna blaze it!' and just fuckin' bolted," Way said to the press. "I've never seen him climb like that for anything. He was really goin' for it."
Foul play is not suspected.
Iero could not be reached for comment.
More to come as events unfold.
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