pgk writer

need somewhere off of AO3 to be emotional about fictional characters (she/her)

[pgkwriter]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

“We need to talk to her, we have a couple things we need to clear up.” The officer's voice was growing tense until he stopped himself and took a breath, lowering his volume. “Look, we’re all trying to find the boy, okay? We’re on your side. We just need all the facts.”

[pgkwriter]

Do you 💘 Kerry weaver

Forever 💞

[pgkwriter]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

The files laid out in front of her belonged to every patient she had personally seen over the last six months. She’d expand to twelve months as soon as she got through this stack, but her eyesight was blurred with exhaustion and made it increasingly difficult to focus.

The answer had to be here somewhere, here in the papers laid out before her. There had to be a connection, something they were missing. Why Kerry? Why Henry? How did they find him, how did they know where to go? Have they been waiting long? Could it have something to do with Sandy - had she made an enemy somehow? Sure, she had a hot temper, but Sandy was a firefighter, a hero.

“What are you doing?” Abby said softly. “You should be home, try to get some sleep.”

“I’m monitoring my alertness.” Kerry said robotically, repeating the prepared statement a third time in the same way she had to Haleh and Carter.

[pgkwriter]

I don’t know what almighty muse carried me through Home but I am struggling with this new fic.

[pgkwriter]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: ER (TV 1994) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Henry Lopez & Kerry Weaver, Abby Lockhart & Kerry Weaver Characters: Kerry Weaver, Abby Lockhart, Susan Lewis (ER TV 1994), Florina Lopez, Henry Lopez Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort Summary:

Set soon after the beginning of Season 11.

Kerry’s world is once again thrown upside down...

Chapter two is incoming, but in case you missed it. :)

[pgkwriter]

Home - Kerry x Sandy, Kerry & Abby

[ 169125 words | 30/30 Chapters | Friendship | Pregnancy | Found Family | Grief ]

After several rounds of IVF, Kerry and Sandy are at once thrilled and trepidatious at the discovery of their newfound pregnancy. Keeping her personal life out of the ER proves to be more and more difficult as Kerry navigates her new normal, realizing that accepting a little help from her friends is one of the few things that will get her through.

[spacemilfy]

Kerry/Abby Fluff #17 or #31! 😊

Thankyou for the prompt!! For now I’ll do the one

Fluff #17 - “I’ll take the couch.”

“How is my wonderful girlfriend?” Abby said, kissing Kerry’s cheek and climbing into bed beside her. “This was quite last minute, Henry out for the night again, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s saying he’s at Danilo’s but I have a feeling he may be...elsewhere.”

“Like in a girl’s pants elsewhere?” Abby laughed, “he has the right idea…” she ran her hands up Kerry’s legs.

“Stop, that tickles,” Kerry laughed. “I hope you haven’t been teaching my son your moves when you two have been out driving together.”

“Not at all. As far as he’s concerned I’m as straight as an edge.”

“I guess you do still kinda seem it,” Kerry teased. “And then you go down on me, that convinces me otherwise.”

“It’s a good job you said that last part, or I was going to have to tickle you again.”

Kerry gave her the stern look that Abby hadn’t seen since she was her underling. “You can think twice about this little sleepover if you do that again.”

Abby raised her eyebrows. “I guess I’ll take the couch.”

[yetanotherramblingfangirl]

Thank you so so so much for those tags 🥺❤️ You are so insanely kind it means the world to me.

First of all, thank you for using your time and talent to craft that story in the first place. Like just whoa. Second of all, I stand by everything I said. And lastly, you're welcome. ♥️

[pgkwriter]

Home - Kerry x Sandy, Kerry & Abby

[ 169125 words | 30/30 Chapters | Friendship | Pregnancy | Found Family | Grief ]

After several rounds of IVF, Kerry and Sandy are at once thrilled and trepidatious at the discovery of their newfound pregnancy. Keeping her personal life out of the ER proves to be more and more difficult as Kerry navigates her new normal, realizing that accepting a little help from her friends is one of the few things that will get her through.

[pgkwriter]

for the prompts!! 44 fluff for Susan/Kerry? :D

Thank you for submitting this!! This one was so much fun to write and such a nice palate cleanser from the other ficlets I’ve been writing lately. I hope you like these two idiots being idiots together 😊 Fluff #44 - “You’re an idiot.” “But I’m your idiot”

“Okay, we can set the potatoes aside for now,” Kerry said, maneuvering her way around Susan - taking extra care to step just close enough to tease the blonde, her hips brushing against Susan’s backside as she crossed to the refrigerator and pulled out the marinated veal she had prepared the night before and brought with her to Susan’s apartment. “Now it’s time for the main event.”

Susan clapped her hands once, rubbing them together as she worked herself up to attempt a recipe that she normally never would have read, let alone actually tried to make.

“Let’s do this,” Susan said with enthusiasm, raising her wine glass to her lips and taking a generous sip. Kerry returned to the stove, setting the container of veal chops to the side.

“We need a medium saucepan.” Kerry instructed from memory and Susan hastily set her wineglass down.

“Medium saucepan, got it.” She returned within seconds with the pan and set it on the burner, Kerry starting it quickly before her next instruction.

“Shallots,” Kerry watched as Susan lifted the chopped shallots and began pushing them into the pan. “Only half,” Kerry corrected her and laughed as she watched Susan attempt to scoop a good deal of them back out with the spatula. “Okay, now we need the cab.”

Susan’s seamless partnership lost its steam as she slowed to a stop, her eyebrows raising as she contemplated her options.

“Cabernet?” Susan clarified, turning slightly toward Kerry as the redhead pushed the sizzling shallots around in the pan.

“Yes.”

“... can it be white wine?” Susan offered, a nervous smile playing on her lips.

“No, it cannot be white wine,” Kerry scoffed before turning and looking toward the blonde with furrowed brows. “What’s wrong with the cabernet?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it…” Susan stepped back slightly and collected her wine glass, holding it up between herself and her girlfriend, “I for one am enjoying it greatly.”

“Susan,” Kerry began to scold, shifting her weight onto her hip as she shook her head. “What part of ‘Cabernet Sauce’ made you think it could be white wine?” She looked back into the pan, trying to contemplate a way to save their dinner when a hand reached into her view and dumped Susan’s nearly full glass of wine into the pan.

“Where’s your glass?” Susan asked, stepping around Kerry and lifting her glass as well. “Two cups, right?” she asked before dumping all but the last drop of Kerry’s wine into the pan, and it sizzled as the rich aroma lifted up around them. “I left you a sip.” Susan set the glass beside Kerry and leaned forward, kissing her on the cheek playfully.

Kerry couldn’t help herself as she laughed at Susan’s antics, leaning into her as she continued to push around the contents in the pan. “You’re an idiot.”

Susan returned the contact, wrapping a hand around Kerry’s waist and pulling her closer. “Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”

[pgkwriter]

For the prompts - Angst #6 with Kerry/Susan!

Thank you so much for sending this in! Because everyone seemed to want more from last night’s fic, I have written a bit of a continuation here with this prompt. Though, if y’all still want more, I could definitely see myself developing this into a fic of its own...

Angst #6 - “You’re lying to me again. Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once?”

Susan tapped her pen lightly against the charts that sat in a pile in front of her, though she struggled to even glance at them long enough to read what they said. She was trying desperately not to watch Kerry as she prepared their dinner, trying not to notice how much additional time it was taking her to find things in her own kitchen. She had fought the restrictions placed upon her by her doctor (and every other doctor around her) until she was given the freedom to at least cook some meals. It hadn’t been very long since the… Susan still didn’t know what to call it. She didn’t want to call it a shooting. It wasn’t an accident.

It hadn’t been long since she’d held Kerry on the cold exam room floor, crying out for help as she seized in her arms.

Susan sighed, physically shaking the memories from her mind’s eye and returning her focus to the papers in front of her. She was so behind on everything; when she was at work, she wished she was home and when she was home, all she wanted to do was monitor Kerry. She watched her while she slept. She internally timed how long it took her to perform tasks. She didn’t let her out of her sight.

She could feel herself becoming overprotective to the point of obsession. But she couldn’t help it. She’d almost lost Kerry that day. She knew what that felt like now, and she never wanted to feel it again.

There was no way she was going to be able to focus tonight, Susan concluded, and she finally surrendered. Rising from the kitchen stool, she collected the charts but as she turned, she underestimated the size of the stack in her arms and whacked them on the edge of the counter and all at once the charts slipped from her hands, the metal clipboards clashing on the kitchen tile in quick succession, the loud noise starting Susan but sending a shock through Kerry’s system.

Kerry couldn’t remember the events as they played out that day, but she remembered the sounds. She remembered the fear. That same fear had returned and blasted from her heart all the way through her limbs and up the back of her skull and she dropped the knife out of her hand, quickly placing both hands down on the counter as her knees threatened to give out, somehow managing to hold herself up even as all of her breath left her body.

Susan watched from a few feet away, her eyes wide as saucers as guilt immediately filled them to the brim with tears. She swallowed hard - she was not going to cry, no matter how much the vision in front of her ripped her heart into shreds. She watched as Kerry fought to keep herself composed, even as Susan could see her shoulders rising and falling quickly with the pace of her labored breath.

“Kerry,” Susan began softly, taking a step toward her over the mess on the floor. The scattered papers could wait.

“I’m fine,” her throat was tight, her voice emerging a lot smaller than she’d intended it to.

Susan approached her slowly from behind, still unable to see her face, but placed a cautious hand on her back and Kerry flinched. The same way she’d flinched each time Susan had touched her for the last four weeks. Susan let her hand rest on Kerry’s back and felt as she eventually seemed to relax into it, even if the movement was barely perceptible. Susan could feel it, feel her.

“Maybe… maybe you should talk to someone.” Susan offered gently, regretting it immediately as she felt Kerry stiffen beneath her hand.

“I said I’m fine.” Kerry pushed herself away from the counter with a hand extended toward the island, moving herself in the direction of the fridge.

In that moment, Susan could feel what felt like a python of anxiety wrapping its way up her body, squeezing, constricting her breath and growing her agitation, and she brought a tired hand to her forehead, reminding herself to breathe.

“Well then will you talk to me at least?” Susan huffed, unable to entirely suppress the emotion in her voice. 

Kerry didn’t respond, but instead shifted her focus to try to remember exactly what she’d gone to the fridge to get. Her head was suddenly even cloudier than it had been before. She knew what she was cooking... of course she knew. Her eyes scanned the contents of the fridge, distracting her enough that she didn’t hear Susan call her name twice until the blonde stepped beside her, placing a hand on her back again. Kerry jumped, startled by the contact, and her quick movement made her light headed. She wished she’d taken her crutch on her short walk to the fridge and instead held tighter onto the handle of the door.

“Talk to me, Kerry,” Susan begged. “Please.”

Kerry turned to find her girlfriend only inches away, her sad eyes searching her face desperately.

“I’m fine.” 

Susan shook her head, moving to close the fridge door, Kerry turning away and placing both hands on the kitchen island.

“No, you’re not. You’re lying to me again,” Susan’s voice was heavy with the weight of the last four weeks as she stared at Kerry’s back before her eyes traveled upward, landing on the patch where her head had been shaved, where her thirteen staples along the crown of her skull had recently been removed, her skin still raised as it healed. “Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once? Let me help you.”

Kerry looked down, biting at her lips as she contemplated her words. Because I need to tell myself I am fine or else I will fall apart. Because if I tell you how I really am you’d be even more worried about me than you are now. Because if I let myself feel how I’m really feeling… I wouldn’t know how to exist in the world anymore.

“Susan…” Kerry began, not looking up, her tone hardening. “I’m fine.”

[pgkwriter]

Kerry/Susan for the writing prompt:

General #7 - is that blood..?

This took a turn I didn’t expect, and I’m going to throw it under a read-more for a tw of gun violence and blood. But I hope you enjoy anyway, Anon. Thank you for the request! I’ve wanted to try my hand at writing something like this for a while, so it was interesting to give it a try.

Keep reading

[pgkwriter]

Kerry/Susan for the writing prompt:

General #7 - is that blood..?

This took a turn I didn’t expect, and I’m going to throw it under a read-more for a tw of gun violence and blood. But I hope you enjoy anyway, Anon. Thank you for the request! I’ve wanted to try my hand at writing something like this for a while, so it was interesting to give it a try. 

EDIT: I wrote another ficlet in this universe here if you’re interested!

It took a few seconds for her brain to register the sound when it happened - the pop, the echo, the flurry of activity around her. She was being pulled to the ground by a hand on her arm, ducking beneath the cover of the admit desk, before the word ‘gun’ even crossed her mind. 

“Where is it?” A voice said.

“I think Exam Two.” Another voice replied, and Susan’s eyes followed the voice to find Randi on her right side. With Jing Mei at her left, each woman tucked themselves closer to the shelves below the desk as they watched security barrel their way toward the sound of the gunfire. 

“Whose patients are in there?” Susan asked, trying to read the board from where she sat, but unable to make out the scribblings on the clear board from her angle.

“Uh - it- it was just one. Dr. Weaver was doing a pelvic exam.” Randi’s eyes widened as she realized what that meant, turning cautiously to look at Susan.

Susan’s heart dropped - before she knew what she was doing she was scrambling to her feet until hands on both arms grabbed her and held her down.

“You can’t - Susan, wait! Security is in there, let them handle it.” Chen demanded, shifting to get another hand on Susan’s arm, sure the blonde could overpower their restraint if she really wanted to, especially from their position on the floor.

“But what if she’s hurt- what if-“ another clatter erupted from the exam room, raised voices following quickly after, but while they anticipated another shot to ring through, the sound never came. Eventually the sound of the door swinging open and the “all clear!” from the security guard brought everyone to their feet and Susan barely had time to register that the suspect (and gun) were apprehended by the guards before she all but jumped over the desk, clipping her side on the corner of it as she ran, but even as the impact swiftly took her breath away, she still stumbled into the exam room, her eyes searching frantically until she finally saw her.

Kerry was sitting in the corner of the room on the floor, tucked behind the large metal cabinet, her knees pulled as close to her chest as was physically possible and her head rested against the wall behind her. Susan was on the floor in a heartbeat, cautiously checking her girlfriend for wounds, Kerry’s eyes shut tightly as Susan watched her tremble.

“Are you hurt??” Susan asked, trying to keep her heart from shattering when Kerry flinched at the contact of Susan’s hand on her shoulder.

“I just need a minute.” Kerry responded as steadily as her voice would allow. 

“Kerry, are you hurt?” Susan asked again more forcefully, unable to see much with Kerry so folded in on herself.

Kerry shook her head, taking a deep, shaky breath as she finally let her eyes open and they fell on the blonde kneeling in front of her. 

Susan’s name called at the door grabbed her attention for a moment while Luka, Chen, and Haleh waited anxiously to see if they were needed. When Susan shook her head subtly, they each took a step back, though they didn’t go far. Instead, they congregated around the admit desk and let Susan speak to the rattled ER Chief, unaware of the extent of their relationship, and that the events of the last three minutes had shaken Susan more than any of them could have imagined.

“It happened so fast.” Kerry whispered, swiping hastily at the one tear that had managed to escape the moment she’d opened her eyes. “I-I-I didn’t, I didn’t see- see a gun. It- it just scared me. I didn’t expect-“

Susan moved forward, wrapping Kerry into a hug, careful not to pull her forward any further than she was already sitting, rubbing her back as she hugged her tightly. Wrapping her arms even more securely around the older woman, Susan rested her hand on the crown of Kerry’s head... until something didn’t feel quite right.

Susan pulled back, sitting back on her heels and retracting her hand, the crimson stain on her palm setting her heart into overdrive.

“Is that blood…?” Kerry asked weakly, before blinking hard. 

Susan rose to her feet and towered over the small form of her lover, curled on the floor of the cold room. Tipping Kerry’s head forward slightly - the redhead complying almost too easily as she rested her head onto her forearms that were folded on her bent knees - Susan was suddenly able to see the blood oozing steadily from the wound at the top of Kerry’s head, though she was unsure exactly the cause. There was too much blood, it was too dark where she sat in the corner of the room, and her own sight was beginning to blur.

“Kerry, you’re bleeding.” Susan cried, every ounce of medical training leaving her consciousness in an instant. “Kerry-“ she began again until she watched Kerry slump forward into her arms, collapsing against the wall beside her. “Kerry!”

[pgkwriter]

.

[pgkwriter]

This is the Kerry/Sandy Fluff #9 Prompt from @sapphicsandscience 💞

“You took all the pillows so I’m using you as one.”

“Ugh-“ Kerry grunted as she was pulled out of her sad excuse for sleep, which truly had consisted of lying in silence trying to recite every disease and condition of the cardiovascular system until she fell unconscious. “Is that your head?”

The pitch black pop-up tent shook slightly with a gust of wind while Kerry’s hands explored the bed, finding a mass of curls laying across her stomach.

“Well, you took all the pillows, so I’m using you as one.” Sandy cozied herself closer under their several layers of blanket.

“God, you have a heavy head.” Kerry murmured around a smile, feigning another grunt of pain as she shifted.

“Hey!” Sandy exclaimed, rolling off of her date and crawling up until she was inches away from her face, barely able to make out her features. “Do not forget that this was your idea.”

“I didn’t mean actually ice fishing!” Kerry exclaimed, having been prepared for this conversation all night. “I believe I also said we should go see a movie, so why are we sitting in a thermo tent instead of an AMC right now?”

Sandy sat up on her knees, the blankets surrounding them falling off of her shoulders and uncovering Kerry down to the waist. While their tent was indeed heated, it was nothing near comfortable and Kerry quickly grabbed Sandy’s arms and pulled her down on top of her, quickly reaching for the blankets and pulling them back up to their necks. Sandy laughed, positioning herself on top of Kerry so that she hovered slightly over her, then leaned down, speaking between kisses.

Sandy kissed her neck. “Because,” she bit at her earlobe, “we can’t do this,” she kissed her lips, “in a movie theatre.” She finished with a sparkle in her eye before throwing the covers over her head and moving a little further south.

[scvrllet]

Prompt List #1

A/N: phew finally finished my first prompt list. a vast majority of these are my own but there are a few that I found online/was inspired by.

Prompt List #2

Fluff

“Is that my shirt?” “You mean our shirt?”

“It’s you, it always has been.”

“You’re everything I could’ve wanted and more.”

“Kiss me.”

“Home stopped being a place when you entered my life.” 

“You should probably go home.” “But I’m already home.”

“You’re an idiot.” “But you love me.”

“I’d do anything for you.” 

“You took all the pillows so I’m using you as one.”

“Stop moving and let me braid your hair.”

“I’m so proud of you.” 

“Could you say that again?” “Were you not listening?” “No I was, I just like hearing your voice.”

“I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.”

“You are my family.”

“I’m right here.”

“Can you just please hold me?” 

“I’m pretty sure (you’re/she’s/he’s/they’re) my soulmate”

“You come here often?” “Well considering I work here, yes.”

“You know, I think my (mother/father/parents) would be proud if I brought (you/her/him/them) home.” 

“I just want to see you happy.”

“I haven’t seen (her/him/them) smile like that in ages.” 

“You made me a better person. Thank you.” 

“I’d rather live in the woods with you than in a mansion with some (girl/boy/person) I barely know.”

“This reminded me of you.” 

“Your hair is really soft.”

“You’re really warm.”

“Are you blushing?”

“Can I stay here tonight?”

“Because I love you.”

“I’ve been in-love with you since we were kids.”

“I’m never going to leave you. I promise.”

“Make a wish!”

“I love seeing you smile.”

“Why are you wearing my sweater?” “Because it smells like you.”

“I just want to be there for you.”

“I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

“You’re just a softie.”

“You owe me.” “Fine, whatever you like.”

“You’re safe now, I’m here.”

“Why are you scared of loving?”

“You are crushing me right now.”

“Darling I love you and all, but please step out of the kitchen.”

“I love you.”

“You’re an idiot.” “But I am your idiot.”

“Take my hand. Just trust me.”

“You’re hurt. Please just let heal it.”

“At least let me clean it.”

“I told you to take care of yourself.”

“You’re the only thing that matters.”

“Stay.”

Angst

“I’m leaving.” “Of course you are, that’s all you know how to do.”

“You started drinking again, didn’t you?” 

“You promised you’d stop drinking.” “And you promised you wouldn’t hurt me!″

“But it’s my fault right?”

“I don’t want to feel this. I want to be numb again.”

“You’re lying to me again. Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once?” 

“I love you.” “No you don’t” 

“I can’t lose you.” “You already did.”

“Did it mean anything to you? Did I mean anything to you?”

“How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?”  

“I loved you.” “Then why did you let (her/him/them) get in between us?”

“Maybe they were right, you never did change.” 

“This is all in my head. It’s all happening in my head.”

“Don’t you dare walk away from this!” 

“What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you’ve caused.”

“You’ve changed.”

“You win, happy?”

“Any other lies left to tell me?”

“Why did you wait until I moved on?”

“Don’t look at me like that.” “Like what?” “Like you still love me.”

“Its (her/him/them), isn’t it?”

“It’s always been (her/him/them).”

“When did you stop loving me?”

“Let me go.”

“You’re not you.”

“I miss the old you.”

“What happened to their happily ever after?” “Not all love stories get a happily ever after, sometimes it’s just once upon a time.” 

“Move out of my way before I make you.”

“You deserve better.”

“I risked my life for you.”

“I never would’ve thought (she/he/they)’d end up with someone else.”

“They were perfect for each other.”

“I was happier with you.”

“I would’ve done anything for you.”

“I loved you. I loved you so so much but you hurt me.” 

“They warned me about this.” “About what?” “You.” 

“Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.” 

“You broke me.”

“You just threw four years of friendship out the window.”

“Hasn’t this addiction done enough damage already?”

“Sorry doesn’t fix everything.”

“You promised.”

“I don’t need help! I need an end to this pain.”

“What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.”

“Leave.”

“I can’t keep playing pretend.”

“You deserve so much better.”

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t leave.”

“I wish we never met.”

“I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.”

General

“I love you.” “Tell me that when you’re sober.” 

“It’s pouring rain why are you here?”

“I love you.” “You shouldn’t.”

“Where are you?”

“What happened?”

“Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“Is that blood?” “Yes but that doesn’t matter right now, what does matter is-” “You are literally bleeding.”

“Is that my book?”

“Are they dead?”

“You want to play pretend? Well two can play at that game.”

“Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

“Come back to bed. Please.” 

“You’re who they warned me about.” 

“Come back.”

“You should’ve listened to me.”

“I haven’t seen you in days.” 

“Are you jealous?”

“Cheers, I’ll drink to that.” “You drink to everything.” “Cheers!”

“Why is there a deer in the room?” 

“Is that vodka? At 7 in the morning?”

“It’s not my choice.”

“Can we take this home?”

“Hey, look at me. Focus on me alright?” 

“I haven’t seen (her/him/them) smile in months.”

“(She/he/they) don’t belong with (her/him/them)!” “Than who do(es) (she/he/they) belong with?” “…..with me.”

“Come home.”

“I hope you’re happy.”

“They don’t need to know.”

“I made this for you.”

“Why is arson always your first answer?”

“Is this really the time for jokes?” 

“You always do this.” 

“Wake me up when it’s over.” 

“You look happy.” 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” 

“Why can’t I get you out of my head?”

“Do you want that?”

“Don’t let go.” 

“Just let me stay.”

“Can I at least tell my side of the story?” 

“Do you trust me?” 

“Are you flirting with me?”

“Is the weight of your sins too heavy?”

“Just let me see (her/him/them) one last time. Please.”

“Are you afraid to die?”

“Are they really ‘just a friend’?”

“I wasn’t lying when i told you that I loved you.”

“I won’t hurt you.”

“Have you been sleeping?”

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

[sapphicsandscience]

Kerry/Sandy Angst (of course) #49!

Thank you for the ask ❤️.

This turned into more of a one-shot than a drabble/ficlet even though it was hard to write. Angst below the cut.

Kerry/Sandy Angst #49 - “I wish we never met.”

With a gentle shake of her head, Sandy let her hair out of the towel as she walked into the living room. Kerry was curled up in the corner of the couch, or at least, curled up as much as her hip would let her. Sandy knew it had been bothering her more than usual recently, not that she had said anything. But Sandy had grown well attuned to the little hints and giveaways, that she could just about always tell when Kerry was hurting. And it seemed that was the defining feature of their lives recently; pain.

Draping the damp towel over the back of a chair temporarily, Sandy made her way over to where Kerry was sitting and hovered in front of her with an apologetic smile. Kerry didn’t look up from her reading material but bunched her feet up more towards herself and Sandy took it as an invitation to sit down at the other end of the couch.

“You’re not still giving me the silent treatment are you?” Sandy asked lightly, bringing her own feet up onto the couch cushion and mirroring Kerry.

Kerry sighed. “I’m not doing that,” She spat out, speaking properly for the first time since Sandy had arrived home.

The lack of communication between them was starting to annoyingly eat away at Sandy, who  wasn’t as used to keeping things bottled up like her wife. She had always thought it was best to be open and that was what she had tried to do.

But for the second night in a row, she had come home to a glum-looking Kerry and even her attempts to cheer her up with an offer of ordering her favorite takeout had failed. No longer feeling like eating, Sandy had chosen to try and relax with a shower instead, but even in a different room the tension had still lingered between them.

“Well, you’ve been like this since the other night,” Sandy tried again, knowing she was bordering on unpredictable territory. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of earlier this week, but she took the risk and lent forward.

Gently she brushed the bangs that were in Kerry’s glassy eyes away, ending the action with a gentle stroke of her cheek. Kerry reciprocated the moment, letting the tension drop out of her body, and reached for Sandy’s hand that was resting against the side of her thigh. No longer putting up a barrier, Kerry appeared a lot smaller.

“I’m just tired, Sandy,” She said, trying to look busy organizing the papers in her hands to buy more time before she spoke again, not completely trusting her voice not to devolve into something she could not control. “Tired of everything being so hard for us.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Sandy squeezed her hand tight. The simple contact made Kerry’s vision blur more with tears. “I know it’s hard, but things will get easier. I promise.”

“I’m not upset with you,” Kerry assured. “And I’m not trying to force you into anything. I understand. But it is just-“ She paused, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “You won’t even consider it?”

Sandy threw her head back in frustration, recognizing the small pleading tone in Kerry’s voice that had returned. “Who says I haven’t considered it?” She replied. “Kerry, ever since we started talking about it, about having a baby, even though you were set on carrying yourself, it still crossed my mind. Whether I wanted to carry a child of my own one day. And I came to the same decision then as I am now.” She explained. “I want this for you. I want this for us.” There was regret in her voice as she watched Kerry unravel before her again, though she had to be firm. “But I can’t be the one.”

“Well I can’t do it again can I?” Kerry cried, her words equal part question and statement. “I can’t have that happen again!”

“Maybe not now, but when you're ready. You will want to try again. It won’t feel like this so much.”

“No,” Kerry shook her head furiously and wiped her nose with the end of her sleeve. “It hurts too much.”

Sandy swallowed down the lump of guilt in her throat. It would be so easy. So easy to just say yes. To take this pain away. But she couldn’t.

Kerry had got it into her head that it would be such an easy fix. But even if it was something Sandy wanted, it was never going to be that. But she couldn’t accept that, not yet, not when everything was still so raw.

“I don’t know what you want me to say...”

Kerry lent forward and took her hands, a pitiful smile falling on her face. “I want you to say that you will try. Try as I tried. That it will work out. That it will be okay.”

Sandy tilted her head to the side and shook it slowly. “Kerry, don’t do this again, it’s not fair.”

“Is it that you don’t want a baby with me? Is that it?” She questioned harshly, cutting Sandy off. Things were racing out of her mouth now without much thought. Her desperation turned into anger. Anger at the world which was being pushed on the one person she loved most.

“You know that’s not true,” Sandy said calmly, knowing that Kerry didn’t truly mean what she was saying. She would give her a chance, but before she had even finished her sentence Kerry was already speaking again.

“How do I even know you actually wanted it? The baby we lost?”

The words hung in the air like spears. Jamming themselves into Sandy’s sides and piercing every single doubt and emotion she held within. She’d found it difficult to navigate her own feelings after the miscarriage. Not truly understanding her own emotions nor feeling that she had the right to be that upset. It had happened to her but at the same time it felt like it hadn’t. And now Kerry was throwing it back in her face.

“I-” Kerry froze. She had crossed the line. Crossed it badly. The cruelty of her own statement shocked her. An apology built in her throat, but she couldn’t force the words out. Fear blocked her.

Sandy watched her for a few moments before nodding as she realized Kerry had clammed up and that an apology wasn’t going to be forthcoming. Not that she even wanted an apology. The conversation had been all so predictable, but this was different. It was too much.

“You know what Kerry? Sometimes…just sometimes,” Sandy stood up slowly, her movements collected and calm, contrasting against the intensity in her voice. She walked towards the hanger and picked up her coat which she straightened down onto herself with a force that pulled on her aching shoulders.

“I wish we never met,” She said, punctuating the end of her sentence with the slamming of their apartment door as she left.