Quick Detox

complaining never gets old and other stories

[phlegtas]

Move

I sit here, with one leg up because I can do it now. I lost a ton of weight! Around 40kg in the past one to two years, even more if you account the first year I tried leading a healthier lifestyle. I started with boxing, and then treadmills in the gym, even Zumba but the most sustainable exercise routine for me is walking, and now I can jog, too! I am happier because not only do I look better, I also feel loads better. I don’t get too angry too often - and maybe another reason is that I am older now. 37 fucking years old! Wow! How long ago was it when I started this blog? 

[phlegtas]

The many times you’ve tried to rationalize this

Do you hear yourself say these things out loud? Sometimes it’s no longer as interesting as you initially thought it would be. 

I feel like reading poetry but it has to be good. The lot that I find on the internet is trash. I wonder whose recommendations I should be getting. 

[phlegtas]

People

At 32 years, people don't piss me off anymore than they did when I was 16 or 25. I get it. People suck. We have to avoid them when we can. Sadly, we can't avoid them all the time. We are social beings after all. And we need people to take care of stuff that matters like laundry and public transportation, customer service & building a cult following. The best way to deal with people? Ignore them. Let nothing get into you. But feign attention. People need that, and we must give it to them to keep them happy. Happy people are more pliable. You can get them to do more for you when they're in that state. Why do you think Starbucks bothers with small talk? More when I feel like it.

[phlegtas]

All that is certain is that nothing is certain, and boy don’t I know that.

Making bold decisions was loads easier when I was younger. Now I have to consider a lot of things before doing anything brashly, and the considering parts already sufficiently exhaust me that I end up being decidedly safe. "Vanessa, making things easy since 2012." LOL

If you're young and reading this, I envy you. Because you can still make mistakes. And making mistakes is fun because you learn hard core skills while paying for the consequences. That is if you're smart enough to commit the right mistakes.

So if you're 25 and under, make mistakes now. If you're afraid now, you will be even more so as you grow older. You will not be braver than you are now. So go, take the plunge, dive into a sea of uncertainty. You will never know for sure until you try (unless you're one of those hard core linear types who go from point A to point B with the accuracy of a heart surgeon, and even then you're not going to be sure of the results until you have them).

[phlegtas]

Winning

Today I had to tell a person he failed despite his best efforts. It hurt to do so.

And he really did try, though. Many times. Each time I was there to tell him that it wasn't good enough. But he was always hopeful. Never betraying a moment of impatience or disappointment. He wanted to win, and he fought hard for it.

It was heartbreaking to watch him graciously accept defeat.I wish I were as strong in life as he was in that brief moment we shared. 

[phlegtas]

Black Saturday Reminiscences

You'll wonder why you are who you are. There will be times you won't give a shit. You're too tired. Too dysfunctional to even care, and one or two little careless comments will suddenly take you deep in thought as if you're 16 again, not as angry but perenially curious.

You'll wonder why you're different. And even before Angelina Jolie said it, even before that Alice in Wonderland film (which the proper title escapes me now) have said it, you know “different” means destined for greatness.

Being born in a family of no religion, no education-- just pure Kapampangan grit, I stood out. I was willful, stubborn and accused as smart. And though my mom will likely deny when asked, both my parents believed I will be someone great. I started reading way earlier than my older brothers did, or even kids my age. I wrote in complete coherent sentences before I even went to prep school, and I know that wouldn't have impressed this generation but back then, and to the demographic I belonged (and still belong), that instantly put me on an above-average status. Most of the people around me believed I was meant to do great things, and the frequency with which I was openly gawked and admired eventually led me to believe this was fact.

I stopped getting embarrassed for not going to church right in the cusp of puberty. As my subscription to Super Book ended, so did my propensity to act as if I belonged to the norm. Most of my classmates, if not all, regularly went to church. I remember them raising their little hands up in the air after the teacher asked on Mondays whose family went to church last Sunday. I always looked down immediately after. Determined to ignore that dulling ache I feel while my teacher celebrates the confirmation that most of her pupils will go to heaven, where I should apparently get going on working on it before it’s too late. She would play this little game where she’d ask the entire class, “Who wants to go to heaven? Raise your hands!” And every right hand in the room would shoot up. Then she’d laugh and ask next, “Now who wants to go to hell?” and she’d pretend to frown. I swear I was so tempted to raise my hand just to enjoy her fake frown turn into genuine shock. But I never once did. 

At 11, I decided to be an Atheist. I didn't know what to call it then. We didn't have books to describe what that conviction meant (or at least those books weren't available to us). I wasn't afraid to share this with my classmates, though. I tell them it's all fake. It didn't make sense. My questions did not start with whys. I was more concerned with the hows. "How is the sky blue? How is the grass green? How is the earth round? Did God make them to be like that? How? Can you tell me?" I was told it didn't matter. It just happened and no one can explain it to me sufficiently. I was told I was going to hell for not believing. It didn't hit a nerve. I guess I had nerves of steel; so young and yet so brave. In a world of mediocrity filled with peasant-folk chatter at home and mindless conversations at school, I began to find comfort in reading. But I had limited reading material: I only had textbooks. We had a small library, but I remember just seeing atlases and coffee table books and magazines and more textbooks. Nothing that my strange 11-year old mind will take interest in.  tbc

[phlegtas]

The lies we tell ourselves annoy other people especially when we say them out loud and appear to believe them without a hint of irony

I can't stand other people's lies. Oftentimes I ask them in my head, "Can you hear yourself lie? You must hear yourself lie because I can hear you and I am not even paying that much attention. How does it sound to you? You probably love it you little shit."

Envy I have one friend who's constantly happy. I have a friend who's filled with warmth Like light streaming in my bedroom window every morning Unwelcome yet compelling He hurts my eyes, too. I squint to take in all of his awesomeness.

[phlegtas]

Types of people I admire (and sometimes hate).

1) Those focused on winning. These people do not whine. They get the job done. I watch in awe as they climb their way to success. They don't allow emotions to get in the way of their goals (something that most people, including myself are inclined to do). These types are often talked about negatively even by people who are about a handshake removed from them. Ganun sila kabongga. They're indifference-proof, even to people who barely know them.

2) Those who dare to confront. Those people who care very little about the consequences of confrontation, or the amount of energy one has to exert in saying exactly what they want to whom they want to address their grievances. They don't start their sentences with "No offense, but...." They go right in for the offense, and they crush their enemies mercilessly.

3) Those who always have money. People who know how to budget. These people never complain about not having enough money because it simply isn't their problem. They're not in denial or anything. They just have more than enough to get by and to get exactly what they want to buy. 

4) Those who never get upset/angry. Not even the heaviest of traffic can dampen their mood. No form of incompetence can make them flip out. They'd probably make a casual heavy-handed remark, but they would immediately move on and forget about it because they lead lives so fantastic they don't bother with types of people who are beneath them. 

5) Those who are really good with numbers. Those who just get that numbers move our very lives. They're usually very successful in their careers because they're just awesome like that.

6) Those who are consistently ruthless with their enemies. They never forget. And they always exact the most satisfying revenge.

7) Those who have principles. You know how most of us say we have principles? Sometimes we bend them, or break them altogether because sometimes our principles inconvenience us. But there are people who despite odds, will commit to their principles because they’re just remarkable like that. There is no prize waiting for them just because they do and they know that, but they keep their commitments anyway. Assholes. LOL

[phlegtas]

Framed

Several things come to mind, several things all at once and you try to reassemble them to form a coherent thought. And you hope it would be different this time; that some of the things you force to make sense will actually materialize. So far, none of the factors you've hoped to happen has occurred yet to guarantee you that a) you're not going insane b) you're not flitting through life purposelessly c) you're going to be fine.

[phlegtas]

Don't feel blue

You have earned no right to feel bad about anything, you egotistic cunt.

[phlegtas]

Tony. Screengrab from Skins Series 1 finale.

[phlegtas]

sleep in the evening is too good to forsake

I wish I could just inject adrenaline directly into my heart every morning so waking up wouldn't be that much of a fuss every single fucking day. I'm pretty much a strong "waker". Like the second I've gone back to consciousness, it's pretty much difficult for me to go back in there and be dead comatose again even if I chose to. But the past couple of weeks have proven to be different. It's filled with memories of indecision particularly about what hour I should choose to be awake. Is 2:47 AM a good time to be awake in preparation for a 4 AM shift? Is 3 AM better? Is 3:15? Would 10 more minutes of sleeping actually matter? The answer is a resounding “No” but in my heart I always hoped against hope. And this hope has been destroying me-- this blind faith that "despite odds, I will succeed" belief system has not done me any good. I set my alarm to go off at 2:47 AM, and when it goes off, I do not put it on snooze because I have such overwhelming faith in myself that I will wake up even if I decidedly allow myself to close my eyes for two more minutes, or five more. No harm will come to me if I allow myself 10 more minutes of cozying up in my bed pining for a time and place where working for money is unheard of. But I am not counting minutes anymore as I lay with my eyes closed. I have gone back to dreamland and will not come to until one hour later. This happened twice in the past two weeks which has thus led to two major tardy occurrences. I've been late for more than an hour in both accounts and I hated myself each time. I end up riddled with Catholic guilt and I just end up hating myself and I (wish I could) take it out on everyone and the quality of my work suffers and I just want to yell at everyone about how much I hate what I have to do every day, but then the shift ends and I feel so much better and I start to feel like I could conquer anything ---until I've spent so many hours being awake that I begin to dread the waking up part of the day again. 

It's 8:55 PM. Wish me luck, and please feel free to send me syringes filled with adrenaline so I can store them on my bedside table for emergencies.

[wordbirds]

FREELOATHING

(Gerund) ‘free-low-†hing  Doing something you hate or fear because it’s free, or part of a package or coupon deal you’ve scooped up.  Also (V.) freeloathe. Usage: Her knuckles white with terror, Tina slid across the zip line in the jungle not once but twice, because two zip line trips were included in her holiday package, and she couldn’t resist freeloathing. She also wanted to earn the hideous “I Zipped the Jungle” mug—the bonus gift for completing two circuits.

[phlegtas]

Things I keep on forgetting but I claim to be important things I should not forget

Buy another charger.

Buy soap.

Deposit money in my savings account.

Look for a house. Will do that on Saturday. Will pester the mom to go with me. 

I need a secretary. I am the kind of person that would live well if I just have someone to take note of everything I want and need to do. Like this someone should be with me almost all the time so I could just announce things and they should be arranged as soon as possible. I see the value in butlers, secretaries etc. As in! 

[phlegtas]

Hmn....

With all the technology we have available today, and how fast things can get done,  I wonder if there is any human emotion rendered obsolete.

[phlegtas]

Yay!

I've finally got what I wanted for soooo long and although it's only a minor victory, it's a victory I craved for nonetheless and that's always a good thing so yay!

And I actually like someone new! Yay for that as well. Like an actual human being I can see and touch and talk to. I celebrate these little triumphs in my head because how else can a misanthropist(?) (misanthrope?) like me celebrate? 

I am not making sense but who cares! 

[phlegtas]

Nuts

Let's talk about how emotionally retarded we are when we have time. That seems like fun.