🖤 @phntsm - Tumblr Blog

Writing you here, because I don’t believe you’ll see this.

I just wanted to say that I reread some old messages the other day, and I wanted to apologize.

For being so much.

I do have horrible social cues and am just dumb sometimes. You very clearly were expressing how you felt about talking to me, and about how heavy/busy life is.

And instead of being understanding, I demanded more. Disregarded your feelings.

I just want to say that at the time that wasn’t my intention. Sometimes feelings are overwhelming, and it was me being desperate rather being forceful. But I feel like the way I expressed that was wrong. It almost came off as guilt tripping you or something, to talk to me. It reads as if I felt my feelings were priority over yours.

I promise that wasn’t the case.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense.

It doesn’t need to though. Like I said I don’t believe you’ll see this, so it’s more of a way of getting it off of my chest and apologizing to the void. If you do happen to see this, please disregard. I don’t want acknowledgment because I feel like…idk. If you do, then I’m doing it all over again. If that makes sense. It does in my head. And if it seems like there’s a “tone” to this, there’s not. Or at least not intentionally. I’m just writing. No guilting, pleading, attention seeking, anything. Just words.

Anywho. I hope you’re well. Happy. Content. Healthy.

I feel obnoxious for posting on tumblr

But nobody cares so it’s like speaking into the void and I feel like that makes it acceptable

Anyway

I’ve been thinking and feeling a lot lately and I haven’t been able to verbalize it but I feel like as time goes on I get worse and worse

And not necessarily mentally. (That’s a whole diff topic)

I just feel like…. Worse as a whole. Less interesting. Lacking everything. Gaining nothing.

I feel dull. Ugly. Robotic.

Sometimes I’ll remember random conversations or memories, or my family will be like “hey remember when…” and I don’t even recognize the person I used to be. I feel like a shell of her? Or like that was just a completely different person? It feels like a stranger. And it makes me feel like something is wrong w my brain and it’s like degenerating bc WHEN did that happen? WHEN did I ever act like that?

My interests. My personality. The way I’d speak. My mannerisms even. Idk who I am or who I was.

I feel like as time goes on I become more and more… soulless? Not in the way that I’m emotionless, but that I’m awkward. Stiff? Allergic to fun? I’m embarrassed about everything, and I mean that. Truly. Like simply being perceived is embarrassing. The CONCEPT of POTENTIALLY being perceived is embarrassing.

I can fake it and hold convos with coworkers or strangers at the grocery store or whatever but I don’t even feel like I’m successful. Like. My perception of myself is that I’m weird and awkward and I project that onto everyone else and assume they look at me the same way. And realistically they probably don’t even think of me period.

Idk. Idk if any of this makes sense and idk what my point is other than I don’t feel like me….and idk who “me” even is anymore. Sounds overdramatic but I genuinely mean it. I feel so disconnected & distanced from myself and I feel like in another 5 years, I won’t recognize who I am today. It’s almost like my self perception is just completely skewed.