Fire and Ash: A New Beginning

The musings, life, writings, and inspirations of a woman in search of love, happiness, and the meaning of it all...

[phoenix-arises-again]

Dear MQ (Part 3?),

Back in May 2018, you sent me a random email apologizing for the way you treated me. It felt like I was part of some 12 step program, where one of the steps is to make amends with the people you have hurt. Sorry just doesn’t cut it, and, to be quite honest, I don’t believe you. Sorry is more than a word. If you were truly sorry, then your actions would have changed...

And nowhere in those emails did you ask how G is. Granted, you have no right to know. You’re not legally her father anymore. I guess it’s akin to a mother putting her child up for adoption. It’s almost always for the best because of whatever situation the mother is in. Maybe you know it’s for the best for G and feel better knowing she’s well cared for and loved, in a way you never could have loved her..

But you could have loved her. You could have been around. You could have been in her life. You weren’t some teenager with no means of taking care of a child. You were an adult, with a career. You could have been there. You chose not to. You chose not to because of her. 

One of the last things you said in your emails was that you have been thinking about “us” for a while and wanted to reach out but didn’t because you didn’t want to hurt her... What was the purpose of reaching out? Were you hoping for some sort of closure? Were you hoping for forgiveness? You will get neither from me. Who cares if it hurts her. I was the mother of your child. Your responsibility was to her child first. Instead, you just knocked her up and tried to start a new family, leaving G and me behind.

You don’t know how frustrating it is to be so angry at someone, to want (to NEED) to tell someone what a complete asshole he is, to say, “No, I don’t forgive you. How dare you act like I am a means to an end. How dare you come out, after 3.5 years of hiding, after all of the vile things you said and did, and tell me you’re sorry and never change.”

You’re still you, though, and I learned long ago that there’s no point in trying to talk to you. It’s like talking to a wall, except the wall keeps trying to crumble on top of you while you’re screaming at the top of your lungs. It’s not worth it. So this will have to be the next best thing.

Fuck you,  MQ. I don’t forgive you. Unless you actually change, I will forever view you as a monster. 

[phoenix-arises-again]

And Nothing More

You see It burns within me …This fire …This rage

And yet

All I have ever sought Is to find peace

There comes a point However When one must submit …To fate …To destiny

Some are meant to live Some Some are meant to die

But I?

I am And nothing more.

--Written by phoenix-arises-again

[inner]

Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to just stop caring.

JC (via unpresentable)

[thegirlwithyellowhair]

you know, we spend so much time trying to get over a person and then even when we are, we’re clinging on to this idea, that we’ll only feel whole, feel validated, when this person that destroyed us, regrets it, that we’ll only feel whole when we’re able to sing i-told-you-so’s in their face, because we deserved better and now they know it too. maybe it would be healthier if we could accept that maybe they won’t ever feel the loss, because sometimes they won’t, sometimes they’ll be relieved and they’ll be able to breathe easier without us. but that doesn’t mean they didn’t lose out. because we are beautiful and strong, with so many details and so much humanity. if they never write you to let you know that they never should have let you go, then that’s fine. because you don’t live your life for them, they’re not what makes you you. recently i let down my walls and i let someone in that i thought would really compliment the life that i’m trying to build for myself. they tore down all of my expectations of them and ripped through my heart like it was made of paper. all of my friends have told me, you’re wonderful, you deserve so much better, they’re going to regret it one day and they’ll be back. and maybe all of this is true, but i cannot spend my days waiting for the validation of a person that didn’t want to be in my life. i miss people everyday that i let go one way or another. sometimes, i was cold and sometimes i was cruel and now i accept their absence as my penance for not letting them know they were loved. sometimes, i didn’t realise until it was too late and sometimes i was just busy and not able to prioritise them. i’m sure my hesitation partly comes from a place of pride, because on the surface, it seems like they are doing just fine without me. sometimes, i think it is crueller to let a person know that you miss them but still not able to follow through and lots of the people that destroyed me are still not able to follow through. there are people i know that would love a second chance if i would just let them back in, but they still can’t follow through and so it’s better for me to keep my walls up and have none of them rather than the frustrated fights of being half loved. there’s a human satisfaction to be had from the validation of past lovers and friends, but i think it is healthier to not build ourselves up and to not mend a sore heart around the image that one day they’re going to regret this. because darling, you deserve so much more than one day, you are beautiful without the realisation that they may or may not have and none of that takes away from who you are today, in this moment, in this world.

maybe they won’t ever tell you that they miss you, but that’s ok, you’re going to be fine (via thegirlwithyellowhair)

[phoenix-arises-again]

The Ones In Between

The first was the closest To being what I need But I was too emotional And unstable on my feet There was candlelight And romance He just wanted me to smile But his heart just wasn't in it "I don't like you. I don't love you. I don't lust for you."

The second had a smile That mesmerized my heart That charming bastard Fooled me From the second that we met He never showered me with kisses And nary a nice word Left his lips to fall upon my ears I would have turned the world Upside down Just to be by his side But the cheating bastard Broke my heart I haven't, since, been the same "I don't like your personality."

The third was just a whirlwhind Of sex and failed escapes But he was still too broken From tragedy To appreciate what I gave Though I waited around to see If time would change his mind It was the next girl he wanted To call his loving wife "I just need to focus on me right now."

The final boy Was the youngest And it showed in his demeanor He let me down Every chance he got So I lowered my expectations He called me his queen And his angel Said I saved him from disaster But he only loved the thought of me (For the occasions I crossed his mind) Had it not been for surprises Things would have ended With relief and glee Instead that child had managed To destroy what was left of me He moved on to marry the next girl May they live miserably ever after "I don’t want to be with you."

And so ends the tale of boys Who stole pieces of my heart I suppose they threw those pieces away Long ago I cannot unlove I cannot forget But I live now with no regrets They each made room for the next My heart is whole now Patchwork, perhaps, but still one piece For I have filled those empty spaces With the four people in the world

Most deserving of my love Written by phoenix-arises-again

[phoenix-arises-again]

You Who Betrayed My Trust

You hurt me Or didn’t you know That empty promises And insults Cut like broken glass

Like a conflagration Of dry brush Every piece of me Turned to ash Between your fingertips

You left me Awaiting your return I am the Vladimir To your Godot Anon

You hurt me Or didn’t you know That I trusted you But forgive No

Written by whatever my name is right now lol

[phoenix-arises-again]

Happy

I suppose this is as close as I come to happy. I struggle a lot some days, not wanting to get out of bed or eat, but G and A make me. I'm glad. I may be lacking millions and not have many friends, but I have a wonderful husband, two wonderful kids, and a few others who have really helped get me through the last 2 years.

[phoenix-arises-again]

I want a new life...

[phoenix-arises-again]

Lawyers

I sometimes regret my decision to become a paralegal instead of a lawyer. Dealing with lawyers can be mind-numbing and aggravating. I have more experience in the field I was asked to help in, but he thinks he has to do everything his way... I keep telling myself that this is just a temporary thing. Something to keep my skills active and make some money. Sigh...

[purplebuddhaproject]

Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.

Eckhart Tolle (via purplebuddhaproject)

[kushandwizdom]

[kushandwizdom]

[nickastig]

Hi! Remember me?

[nickastig]

We were friends back then. I know it was a long long time. The time we actually laughed so hard and yet never cared if people will look at us. We had that conversation about growing old together. We told each other thanks for just being with each other’s side.

I like to remember those nights that we just talked and imagined life after 10 years. The adventures we had and those moments when we just felt so young and free. You promised that it will be all right even when my dad died. You were there always when I was down. I was by your side to comfort you when your parents decided to get a divorce. We promised that nothing will change. Being young and with nothing to think about but just finding who we really are. I am glad that you became part of my life when nobody was by my side. You never failed to make me laugh even in those most awkward moments in my life.

Once I asked you, when the time comes that we would just grow apart and never look back, will you still remember me? You just said, that time will never come. We just continued laughing and just had a good time that night. Never knowing that time really did. You were busy with your career and I was just just that guy who you grew up with. Time passed and we never talked. Been busy with our lives and not remembering that time we just felt free and happy. Now with all the stress in life and the pressure of society made us. Can you still remember that kid who promised you everything? 

What happened to us? I was once that kid that you promised to marry and be with until forever.

[phoenix-arises-again]

Every friend I ever had...

[mikefrawley]

Did I Love You

The stars have fallen as alabaster angel tears bearing silent witness to our farewell did I love you did I love you but you know I did of course I do  my Guinevere we laughed as gods and though your heart was mine  your promise was ever his the curtain lies torn asunder the sky, the lie the sorrow revealed the ransom must be dearly purchased did I love you I will always love you goodbye my dearest 

[phoenix-arises-again]

This makes me think of MQ giving G up for adoption by Rick. Of course, MQ never truly loved G since his actions only hurt her...

[samera-flowers]

[irrationalliberal1]

YOUR generation

YOUR generation was the generation where two teachers could afford to buy a 4-bedroom house in San Diego, CA and then afford the mortgage and raise 2 kids in private school (my parents did this).

YOUR generation was the generation where one parent could work in Financial Aid at the local college and the other could raise 2 kids in a 3 bedroom house (my now-retired coworker did this).

YOUR generation was the generation where you could wash dishes to put yourself through college and law school (my uncle did this).

MY generation can’t buy a home when the average cost is $440k and a combined income of two teachers is only $70k, and they have to pay 35% income to rent, let alone trying to afford children.

MY generation has both parents working, one or both working 2 jobs just to buy food, not even able to afford a family vacation every December.

MY generation is in student debt on average $29,400.  And we have scholarships but they only cover 40% of the cost and when law school costs $120k for 2 years, you do the math.

So don’t tell me that it’s MY GENERATION that fucking things up.  We’re only 25, we didn’t get in to the war in 2001 (we were 11 years old), we didn’t de-fund mental health institutions in 1975, we didn’t decide that grants and scholarships should be funded less and tuition should cost more, we didn’t raise the housing market 7000% (my childhood home was bought for $95k and sold for $750k 20 years later).  MY GENERATION didn’t do any of that, YOUR generation did.

So don’t tell me I “just” need to “get a better job” or that I “only” have to send my kids to “a good school.”  Because it doesn’t work like that anymore.  And don’t blame me.

Source

Source

[topgunphantom]