Phoenix (Wrong)

Hello. My name is Phoenix Wright. I am a defense lawyer, originally from Japan, now living somewhere in dungeons and dragons. I don't know where I am, but apparently I am the only lawyer. Please help.

[phoewrightnix]

It's day 276 of trying to summon miles via magic but I haven't been able to contact my plane of origin yet. Help.

[phoewrightnix]

Sorry for not posting, got tangled up. Literally. A druid who was suing my client for destroying his plants cast plant growth right outside and inside my house. It was very difficult to get through and now he's suing me for destroying his plans.

[phoewrightnix]

if our archer won’t come out of the dangerous forest we were specifically told not to go in can we sue him for that or do we just have to deal with it

Best you've got is to sue them for reckless endangerment, but it's likely not gonna stick. If someone flees the party to do something explicitly warned against, it's adventuring natural selection.

[phoewrightnix]

Trying desperately to point out to the courts that my client only used meteor swarm in the middle of public because they wanted to find someone hiding from them. It's not going well.

[phoewrightnix]

yo. so uh. what if me and my friends game of “hide and go seek but it’s also tag but with a knife” didn’t go very well. what then

Negligent assault at best, manslaughter at worst. This isn't even relevant to DND you're just kinda screwed sorry.

[phoewrightnix]

So hey if you're one of the clients I'm representing in court and you happen to be a druid and you happened to wild shape into a rat to run away please come back.

[phoewrightnix]

So I accidently put my brother figure into a coma, while in an act of self defense. Am I in legal trouble

If it was truly self defense then you actually did something the courts encourage. Using stuff like non lethal attacks or the sleep spell is favored, so you should be okay.

[phoewrightnix]

My friend is a half-orc who got in trouble for drinking underage. We're in a primarily human town who don't see a lot of racially diverse travelers. I tried to explain that half-orcs mature to young adulthood quicker than humans (with a longer adulthood period after that) and as such by his racial standards he isn't underage, but the cops aren't listening. Can he take them to court?

Yes and he absolutely should. The humans are choosing not to serve your friend because they don't agree with the natural differences between the cultures and racial features. That's discrimination.

[phoewrightnix]

Hey a necromancer just brought back my brother (aged 14), whom I had legal custody of.

Can I get him back? Or do we share custody?

You still have full legal custody of your brother under the Proper Necromancy Agreement Act. You should also sue the necromancer for child endangerment, kidnapping, and extortion.

[phoewrightnix]

Guys please stop using summons spells without a licence, it's so much paperwork.

[phoewrightnix]

I have to represent a ghost in court now. This will be interesting cause I guess everyone here has truesight besides myself.

[phoewrightnix]

I am free again to defend anyone who needs a lawyer, my previous client traveled to a demiplane to avoid coming to court.

[phoewrightnix]

New law just passed, artificers you have to have a licence to create magic items. This is a stupid law, so if any artificers get in trouble for it I'll defend you.

[phoewrightnix]

Reminder to clerics you need to fill out some forms before using divine intervention. I'm starting to get annoyed by how many deities are coming to me asking to sue clerics for spamming the ability to do nonsense.

[phoewrightnix]

Hello, I seem to have accidentally gotten myself into a fae deal while drunk last night. Is there any way I can get out of this? I really don't want to give up my firstborn.

If you can't get me to represent you (I've been very busy sorry), then you should point out that when drunk, you're hardly yourself. In fact, you're effectively a totally different person. This means any terms of the deal only apply to your drunk self. You'll have to go sober, but it's probably worth it.

[phoewrightnix]

It's very annoying that "an act of God" is a very common ruling here. If the god is the one responsible, they should also be brought to trial

[phoewrightnix]

Reminder to not kill towns guard, but even more a reminder that "I needed xp" is nonsensical and NOT a good defense