Phroth

Penn State's one and only humor magazine and newspaper publication

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Girl Scout’s New “Arson” Badge to be Unveiled in 2018

By: Zoe Kehs

NEW YORK- You can get badges for cooking, building robots, and now everyone’s favorite activity: arson. The Girl Scout’s program prides themselves on the diversity of their badges that promote success in all of their members. Rather than choosing a useless outdoor skill like fire building, the Girl Scouts Organization decided to pick a skill they know the girls will use for the rest of their lives.

“At Girl Scouts, we are all about representation,” said Girl Scouts CEO, Sylvia Acevedo. “Honestly it just sickens me to see almost all male arsonists on the news. I want children to grow up thinking they can do whatever they want despite their gender.” 

Like all great ideas, there are a few who stand in the way. Some parents have sent in complaints to Girl Scouts, claiming that the badge “is dangerous” and that it “promotes bad habits.” 

“Our moms can shove their views up their asses,” said Annie Jones, a Girl Scout of age 8. “You know what I did with Girl Scouts last week? I scaled a mountain. The week before, I played with weapons to learn about archery. It’s time to leave pointless and equally dangerous skills like these in the past and make way for skills that will shape me into the woman that I want to be.” 

Despite the complaints, Girl Scouts of America plan to move forward with their plans for the new badge, hoping that young girls can start working on it during the holiday season. With the winter approaching, this skill will help start fires in homes and in our hearts.

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Mattress Warehouse Changes Motto to "It's Easier on a Bed"

By: KC Black

STATE COLLEGE-The bed market has been ferociously competitive ever since air mattresses came on the market and  cheap skates started buying air mattresses instead of guest beds. Recently, the mattress world has been looking for the next innovation. With college students everywhere heading back to school, the Mattress Warehouse has revealed their new motto “It’s Easier on a Bed” in order to appeal to a younger market during this bed buying season and in lieu of any sort of real break through.

“We all know that sleeping on the ground or in a sleeping bag is far cheaper than buying a bed, so we had to think of a slogan that pointed out why beds were still relevant” said marketing manager, Sherry James. 

The reason for this turn toward a sexier brand is that, according to top researchers and con artists across the globe, the main selling technique that works is to sell sex. As James is terrible with men, she hired a top marketing consultant, Candi Hart.

“Since we can’t legally sell sex, we decided to try to sex up the Mattress Warehouse brand. We’re really just trying to remind people of the real reason that they buy beds: to sleep on and to sleep on,” said Hart. “Sex. It’s sex. Buy the beds.”

While it is still early on, this advertising tactic has been sweeping the nation. 

Jacob Meyers, class of 2017, said that this advertisement helped him get his girlfriend back.

“In college I slept exclusively on an air mattress,” said Meyers. “It’s just as comfy as a real bed and way less expensive! But when we graduated, my girlfriend left me, saying that she wanted a real man with a real bed. I didn’t get it, but once I read the ad, I understood what she wanted! Better sex!”

This sentiment is mirrored by young grads everywhere.

Jon Lowe, class of 2016, said, “The Mattress Warehouse has saved my relationship, and without my girlfriend, I shudder to think where I would be. Thank you Mattress Store, you’ve saved my life”.

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Accountant Gets Dick Stuck in Xerox Machine, Discovers What a Xerox Machine is

By: Andrew Abraham

PHILADELPHIA- An area accountant lodged his penis inside of the office Xerox machine and was forced to learn what it actually does. 

Jerry Brezenoff was one of Zolex Financial Services top accountants when he found himself physically attached to the company’s Xerox machine. 

“I was not totally sure what I had gotten myself into,” said Brezenoff. “It was this large plastic box that old people could not seem to get enough of. But, I figured out pretty quickly that it was a cloning device. I just couldn’t understand why old people only cloned paper?  What idiots!” 

After interviewing a few of the older associates at the company, they have confirmed that this is just a regular photocopier, and that they intentionally refused to inform Brezenoff. Prior to his discovery, he was know to be rude, elitist and stingy. However, once he started thinking the copier was a cloning machine, coworkers say he transformed into a much more likable person.

Brezenoff says the moment he finds a way to remove himself from the machine, without ripping off his penis, he plans on buying a Xerox machine and cloning money to become the world’s first trillionaire. He is using his time stuck at the machine to write his business plan and has recently acquired a shit-bucket to make life a little bit more tolerable.

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Plumber Struggling to Contain Kaalut, the Ravenous One, in Toilet

By: Alexander Bigler 

STATE COLLEGE- A Centre County plumber is currently struggling to contain the eldritch god Kaalut, the Ravenous One, in a toilet.

As evidenced by his shrieks and an occasional tentacle bursting through, Craft has limited experience in the area of extradimensional being containment.

 However, his efforts have met unexpected success, challenging traditional views of such a task being incredibly difficult.

Reporters on scene described what they saw as “ominous,” “chaotic,” and one with glowing green eyes stated “Kaluut hup nafl'fhtagn h' wgah'nagl fhtagn.” Phroth reporters managed to reach Craft for comment.

“Why the fuck are you interviewing me?” Craft said. “There’s a fucking eldritch god trying to get out of this toilet! Call a specialist or something! Get me some help! He’s going to eat the entire planet unless I get a bigger plunger!”

When asked for background on the situation, Craft responded energetically, if not positively. “People flush all sorts of weird shit down toilets, so-oh shit, hold on. Okay, so weird stuff goes down toilets. And I guess someone flushed some really nasty shit down this toilet. Blood, squid, some ritual-Jesus, that was a close one. Some ritual shit. So I poured some liquid plumber down the drain and accidentally completed the ritual. So now there’s a world eater in this toilet, and I need a bigger plunger or he’s going to kill us all,” said Craft.

World responses to the situation have been mixed. A variety of different views have emerged, among which are proposals to make a giant calamari grill in preparation of Kaluut’s arrival and a UN resolution “strongly condemning” Kaluut’s continued efforts to break free and threatening a “firmly worded letter” if he does not immediately cease his actions. The US government has not issued an official statement, but has given several defense contracts to Red Lobster, presumably for giant calamari grill development.

Phroth reporters attempted to reach the Ravenous One himself for comments, but were driven insane by the weight of eldritch knowledge and as such their comments have not been included. We at Phroth advise readers not to delve too far into the eldritch abyss, like they did.

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Kaepernick Refuses to Stand for Creamery Ice Cream

By: Adam Barsouk

STATE COLLEGE.- San Francisco 49ers Quarterback Colin Kaepernick incited a national discourse this morning when he refused to stand in line for Penn State Berkey Creamery Ice Cream.

Kaepernick had flown into State College earlier that day on his private jet, and then took a limousine to Penn State in order to speak to the especially diverse campus about the plight surrounding impoverished minorities such as himself. 

On the way to his speaking event, Kaepernick decided to stop by the famous Berkey Creamery. However, when he saw mostly white students standing in a line that spanned all the way down the street, Kaepernick suddenly realized the strained race relations on campus and launched a peaceful protest by refusing to stand in line and instead kneeling there on Curtin Road.

Kaepernick’s brave protest grew into a campus wide phenomenon, with scores of students lining up outside the creamery to protest the apparent racism. 

“I don’t see like a single black person in line at the creamery,” said one anonymous student, “since the creamery line is obviously an inherently racist institution, we must abolish the line all together.”

University officials have pointed to the fact that Penn State only has six percent African American students, and for that reason it is entirely probabilistic that the line could be all white. However, Kaepernick says he will continue to kneel on Curtin Road until “this oppression is overcome, or until the line dies down.”

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PSU Entomology Dept Holds Recruitment Festival, Releases Plague of Locust

By: Adam Barsouk

STATE COLLEGE.- Not to ‘bee’ outdone by the Liberal Arts College, the Penn State Department of Entomology also held a recruitment festival where they released a giant horde of locust that has since ravaged the countryside.

“When we saw the Liberal Arts school giving out free shit in order to desperately attract students, we knew we needed that same strategy,” said the department. “It's absolutely absurd that nobody wants to poke creepy-crawlies for a living!”

The festival featured such exhibits as “metamorphize to an entomology major,” “let go of your cocc(oon)” and “come to daddy (long legs).” Unfortunately, the only students in attendance were some ‘word-nerds’ who had, ironically, mistaken the event for an etymology festival, and all you could hear were the crickets (literally).

“We were disappointed,” the department said, “but that was when we realized the only reason anyone went to the libtard arts thing was because they gave out stuff. So we were like, ‘fuck it, let's give out some locust.’”

In an incident involving a student with a bug fetish and an overzealous entomology professor, the department accidentally released all of its colonies of wasps, tarantulas, and a horde of locust, which now roam the campus and countryside.

Pennsylvania’s Centre County called it the biggest fiasco in the university’s history, saying, “we didn't think PSU could make the lives of those living around it any worse, but they proved us wrong.” 

Meanwhile, the entomology department simply can't understand why their little stunt “bugged everyone so much.”

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Mailman Caught in the Act

By: Noah Blake

PITTSBURGH— A local postal worker was reportedly caught in the act on Thursday afternoon. At press time, residents were still recovering from the startling display. 

“Too shocking for me to feel comfortable talking about it, honestly,” said Deborah Harris (42), longtime neighborhood watch deputy. “You hear about these things, but you never think you’ll be around to actually see it happen.”

“I spent my whole life looking at them as this sort of mythical figure,” said fellow resident, Richard Price. “You never see them, but you see their work, you know? Like the tooth fairy. And now, it’s just… there’s a whole group of figures that became just… people to me. I’m having trouble coming to terms with it.”

Phroth will be on standby from 1:12-1:18p tomorrow, the most likely window in which the mailman is suspected to return and drop the next round of mail into the box.

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Libertarian Buys Fleshlight®

By: Tom Sarabok

(This article is not intended to offend any fine purchaser of a Fleshlight by comparing them to a libertarian)

STATE COLLEGE-- A local libertarian has purchased a Fleshlight. Arnold Friedman (Junior-Economics) spent his hard earned money on a premium Fleshlight, molded into the shape of Ayn Rand’s pussy, that he purchased on Amazon.com

When asked about the delivery of the package for his package, Friedman had this to say:

Look I don't care what anybody thinks about this, the Second Amendment of the Constitution guarantees every man, woman, and child’s right to bear arms and I'll be damned if this God-given right is taken away from me.”

“I put up a flag that reads 'Don’t Tread On Me’ with a coiled rattlesnake on my apartment wall, so no one can tread on me when I uncoil my rattlesnake in the privacy of my own home and sometimes on the CATA bus,” Friedman said, referencing the Gadsden flag adorned in his room.

Former Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson, who is not doing much of anything these days, was also available for comment.

“Yeah, uh well, I don't quite see what the purchase of a masturbatory object has to do with the values of classical liberalism, but I do think that he should be granted entire sexual freedom,” Johnson said.

In a final statement, Friedman, also a member of the Turning Point USA, said “Socialism Sucks but it doesn't suck me, so I have to handle it myself”.

It seems that Friedman, like many other libertarians before, has taken up the practice of jerking himself off.

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Bill Clinton supports people’s right to get on their knees

By: Adam Barsouk

CHATAQUA, Ny.- In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton was voicing her support for NFL players’ rights to kneel during the national anthem when Bill enthusiastically interjected.

“You know, man” Bill said in his homey Arkansas accent, “Back in ma day, I was the first President to support people’s rights to get on their knees, if you know what I mean…”

Hillary, upon hearing her husband’s contributions, became visibly distraught, and excused herself from the room in order to scold her aides and write more passive-aggressive books.

In the meantime, Bill continued, “Now’a’days erryone else is for it, but the President ain’t? That’s whack. Hell, Donald really does need to loosen up. He ain’t like Steve Bannon who’s flexible when it comes to this kinda thang, if you know what I mean…”

At this point, Bill started regaling us with all sorts of stories from his White House days, stories which have since been mysteriously deleted from the record. Bill finished by saying, “my wife might have written a book called ‘What Happened,’ but damn she don’t know half of what really happened!”

Bill has not been seen or heard from since.

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Fart Struggles To Escape Area Man’s Clenched Butt Cheeks During Career Fair

By: Tom Sarabok

UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. -- A fart worked to squeeze itself out of an area man’s tart anus at a campus career fair.

This past Wednesday at Penn State's Fall Career Days held annually at the Bryce Jordan Center, flatulence huffed and puffed blew down local man Jordan Hill’s rear wall down.  

“I felt it pushing so I just squeezed my butox as hard as I good while I was talking to Boeing”, Hill reflected.

“Pbbffffffffttttttttttt”, the fart retorted in a follow-up interview.

After the gas slipped between Jordan’s overworked butt cheeks, the interviewer immediately took notice, a declaration he made by loudly sniffing the air.

Following a brief silence, Hill was immediately offered an interview

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Trump Blames ‘Both Sides’ For Hurricane Harvey

By: Adam Barsouk

HOUSTON, Tx.- In a recent address, President Trump blamed ‘both sides’ for the catastrophic damage wrought by Hurricane Harvey.

Although the tropical storm has claimed 23 lives, Trump assured reporters that there were “violent winds, as well as very fine, very nice winds in that hurricane,” and that the South Texan residents who have lost their homes “are not so innocent themselves.”

Upon first landing in Texas, Trump remarked, “this place is a mess, a big fat mess,” which were, incidentally, the same terms he had used to describe another national catastrophe, Jeb Bush. Later on, however, Trump promised he would rebuild in full, and then adorn all buildings with a golden ‘TRUMP’ logo and charge resident outrageous prices to live in their former homes. 

Although some have raised concerns about President Trump’s response and plans, Trump has assured everyone that the storm will be “handled so good, even better than the 2016 election, which I won, remember I won it by a huuuge margin, anyway, everything will be sooo good that you’re gonna be wishing for another hurricane.” 

Meanwhile, the rest of Trump’s administration (the few who haven’t resigned/been fired) say they will not be available for comment for at least the next four years.

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In-Coming freshman putting finishing touches on new identify before school starts

By: KC Black:     State College, PA- Jared Vince (freshman – undecided) has spent the entire summer between his senior year and his freshman year of college assembling a brand new identity to impress his new peers.       “Look, college is a fresh start. I’m not about to waste that being the same idiot I was in high school. I’m going to fool everyone into thinking that I’m cool!” said Vince of his intentions.     Vince, who is now a self proclaimed innovator, has spent the entire summer, finding the look that says “No, I’m not a virgin”,  reading various pieces of literature, watching mass amounts of ESPN Sports Center, and feigning interest in a dozen other miscellaneous areas.     “I just needed to cover all of my bases. In case I meet a hot nerd, they’ll know that I’m a cool guy. Or if I meet a meathead jock, he needs to know that I’m cooler than him cause I know more sport facts,” said Vince of his efforts.     Vince has gone so far as to try to hunt down all year books containing pictures of him.     “Look, no one can know who I was. Who I was is gone. I am now cool. I am now popular,” said Vince. He proceeded to throw the last of the evidence containing yearbooks into a bonfire that would get away from Vince in about ten minutes.     Vince’s mother has been very excited about Vince’s newest “self improvement” attempt.     “I just really hope this works. He’s a real drag on Friday nights. I just hope he can find a nice girl, or boy!, to take him off my hands. He’s really been killing my vibe,” said Vince’s mother.

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University Invites Zealots of all Religions to Preach at Willard to Promote Diversity

By: Chris Bremner

Everyone at Penn State knows about the Willard Preacher. Students, faculty, even tour groups recognize him. Everyday the Willard Preacher speaks, telling everyone who is otherwise minding his own business all the sins they have committed since breakfast. 

As a progressive university, Penn State decided it was unfair that radical Christians should have all the fun. As part of a new diversity movement, PSU has decided to invite crazy preachers from all backgrounds to preach at Willard. 

The Willard Preacher declined to comment on the decision.

“I think this is a great change. It makes no sense that the Willard Preacher should get all the attention. I need to be telling people on how they can become a level 18 space wizard or whatever it is that Scientologists believe,” Master Prophet Crubath from the State College branch of Scientology said. 

Master Prophet Crubath adds his voice to many other religious zealots in saying, “Enough is enough!” 

The Willard Preacher may be an iconic crazy religious person on campus, but he’s not the only one anymore. 

What a victory for diversity!

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Superman Uses Stairs

By: Alise Deveney

World-famous superhero Superman was at the center of controversy this week after he deliberately ignored his powers of flight and chose to climb 90 flights of stairs.

The incident took place when Daily Planet reporter, Lois Lane, was held hostage by two thugs on the roof of a 102 story apartment building.

“At first I was irritated that it was taking Superman so long to rescue me,” Lane said. “But when I finally saw him walking up those stairs- Oh Lord! I never truly realized what fine gams that man had until he came strutting across that rooftop.”

The unusual nature of the Man of Steel’s walking preference has led many to speculate about his motives.  

“He was clearly too chicken to fight me,” one of the thugs responsible for kidnapping Ms. Lane said. “He knew that the sooner he got to the top of the building, the sooner he’d have to throw down with me. That’s why he took the stairs instead of flying,” the thug confidently said from his prison cell. “If I hadn’t strained my right quad during cross-fit yesterday, Superman would have been in for a world of hurt. He knew that!”

Superman could not be reached for comment. Instead, reporters spoke to self-proclaimed Man of Steel expert, Clark Kent.

“Superman definitely was not scared of those thugs, he’s way too tough. He probably got a brand new Fitbit for Christmas and he simply wants to make sure that he’s reaching his daily step goal. Superheroes have New Year’s resolutions too, you know! Or so I’m told…”

Although if you ask this reporter, Clark Kent’s striking physical resemblance to Superman does not mean that he knows the Man of Steel’s  New Year’s resolutions.

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Op-Ed: Vaccines Made my Husband Gay and I Couldn’t be Happier about it

By: Charles Buckley

My husband and I met five years ago. I still remember the butterflies I felt in my stomach as he smiled at me from across the room. And to think, if he hadn’t gotten his HPV vaccination five hours before, he wouldn’t have been open to my sexual advances.

Yes. Vaccines made my gay lover gay. That needle entered his arm and triggered the gay chromosome just like he entered my heart and made me the happiest man in the world.

Every year we celebrate our anniversary by getting flu shots which make us super extra gay for each other. It’s really wonderful and cute. If you’re looking for a way to spice things up in your love life I couldn’t recommend going to the doctor and getting that sweet gay love juice pumped into your veins.

However, you should be careful. My cousin tried to do the same thing as me and ended up just getting autism.

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Glass Ceiling to be Enhanced With Stained Glass

By: Justin Slovin

WASHINGTON– After pledging to make America great again, President Donald Trump and his transition team began enacting new policies designed to boost the economy and rebuild infrastructure.

The latest of these policies involves dealing with one of the nation’s largest problems: the glass ceiling. Trump declared that the glass ceiling will be revamped and replaced with ornate stained glass.

“The Obama administration let this glorious structure decay. It’s almost like they tried to get rid of it in its entirety,” President Trump said in a press conference. “I, for one, will make sure that this American tradition is restored to its former glory. I can also tell you something else: plenty of unemployed dudes will find work because of this.”

Famed glass artist Stanford Greene was tasked with designing the new ceiling. Patterns include a man sitting with his legs wide enough to take up two seats on the bus, a woman quitting her job to focus on raising her family and a man telling a group of women to “calm down.”  

The glass ceiling renovations have been trumpeted by various media members as “a return to good, old-fashioned family values” and ‘“perfect to rid the country of all of that useless equality and progress that has made life so hard for men in this day and age.”

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Entitled liberal elitist cares about 20 million Americans losing their health insurance

By: Tom Sarabok

PORTLAND, Ore.– This smug elitist libtard actually cares about over 20 million people losing health care!

Just look at this bourgeois prick, Alan Granger, who is truly worried about the effects of repealing the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare as it’s colloquially known, on the American populace! Only an out-of-touch leftist moron would concern himself with such an issue. No surprises here, Granger voted for Hillary Clinton and probably loves Meryl Streep.

“Yeah, it’s pretty important to me that every American has access to life-saving medical care, even if they have a pre-existing condition,” the ignorant liberal fuck said when interviewed.

“I find it very worrying that the GOP in the House and the Senate along with President Trump are planning to go forward with repealing the act without a proper replacement on deck,” the stupid fool continued.

Little does this entitled snowflake know, that American people are suffering from higher premiums! Who cares about people dying when premiums have increased marginally in only some areas of the country! PREMIUMS!

Alan Granger, the un-American Hollywood elitist pig that he is, was also reported to want equal opportunities for women and minorities as well as believe that women should make their own decisions about healthcare! The pure gall of this simpleton is unequivocal!