Phuzzlogic

[traumasurvivors]

Even if I didn’t have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed I’d kill myself.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I feel like I’ll never catch up.

[phuzzlogic]

Anxiety fucking sucks.

I keep writing the same post on facebook over and over again, but can’t seem to post it. I don’t want to seem needy, even though an open invite to hang out and get food shouldn’t really come off that way; I am convinced it will.

I was going to post there about it, but ... I have too many people there. People who know me at work, in the con community, or ... who don’t know me at all and I just can’t justify filling up the space with my whining.

I tried to go to twitter, but it’s the same thing.

Somehow, here feels safe. Knowing so long as I don’t tag this, the only people who see it are going to be the ones I let know about this place. The people who followed this, knowing this is what I would be doing here. This space feels safe for my thoughts, even though I don’t feel any real connection to tumblr anymore.

I’ve been drinking a lot more than I used to, nothing special. A beer a day, and usually after work, but lately I haven’t wanted to be sober.

Work feels like a prison.

My friends are good people and I love them, but even they have been making me feel ... empty. I want to see them, be around them... I think I am the only one who feels that way. 

I could probably disappear.

They wouldn’t notice.

I’ve done it before.

Ugh, and now I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. 

I’m going to shut up.

[phuzzlogic]

Kinda of feeling out of sorts today. I have cried twice, had a panic attack and I've only been awake for 45 minutes. I'm having trouble finding my resolve and kind of just want to stop existing. I have to leave for work in 40 minutes... Why am I still here?

[phuzzlogic]

I'm just going to be really fucking petty for no reason.

[phuzzlogic]

I spend a lot of time thinking about disappearing. Not dying, but also, not really existing. The idea of drifting along is really appealing.

[phuzzlogic]

Person: I'm at the train station, what time does it open?

Me: This is a doctor's office?

[phuzzlogic]

Uh, yeah... I'm stuck in the parking lot.

Some guy, clearly confused

[phuzzlogic]

The theme for tonight: Oh no.

[phuzzlogic]

Hurray for crying in public!!

[phuzzlogic]

So I found out on my way home in god damn rain that when I speak into my phone it f****** sensors almost every f****** swear word I f****** say can you believe this s*** look at this look at all the f****** asterisks look at all of them they're f****** everywhere like a god damn 4kids anime in here o oh it it knew what for kids was oh my f****** god now it doesn't what the f*** is wrong with you

[phuzzlogic]

I love it when I’m paging a doctor and the nurse starts the message off with ‘Hi Doctor, sorry to bother you!’ It makes me laugh.

[phuzzlogic]

It is art of a something kind.

Skye, who is wonderbread

[phuzzlogic]

Fuck you. I'm good at my job. Just because your phone is shit and you won't stop yelling at me long enough to for me to have you clarify what you're saying so I can actually get a fucking message to who you're calling doesn't mean I am incompetent. Telling me to learn how to spell and that I need a different job is not constructive to the current conversation. Just give me the info I need and shut the fuck up.

[phuzzlogic]

Avoiding it is giving me anxiety. Acknowledging it is giving me anxiety. No matter what I do, I feel terrible. I'm the one that started this, so why is the simple matter of confirming what I already know to be true so damn frightening? This isn't the closure I was looking for, I actually think this might be worse.

Much worse.

[phuzzlogic]

I was gonna go to bed cause I thought I was tired, turns out I'm just tired of living.

[phuzzlogic]

I feel like shit.

[phuzzlogic]

My co-worker makes me want to shoot myself in the foot.