incest cw, thinking abt utena
it's a little frustrating having deep triggers now, but i guess when i watched things w incestuous undertones before i didn't necessarily know i had skin in the game. now things really get to me. watching utena probably isn't the kindest thing i could be doing for myself. at least not watching it and then being confused that i then feel really sick and angry.
id get really emotional trying to understand and debate my feelings abt how ppl talk abt incest on this site without really knowing why it got to me so bad. just knowing i wanted to understand ppl better cause i really deeply understand what it's like to have your sexuality shaped by things that are hard to talk about but idk. it's never not going to make me feel really sick and upset seeing ppl making incest porn. never not going to make me feel sick seeing ppl acting so radical about it like you're the one who hasn't done enough thinking you're the one who's regressive about it.
utena strikes that so specifically. most romance in this is blurred into some kind of familial dynamic cause it's an outright tool of patriachal power even when the women are utilizing it against men or against eachother they've just taken that ability to objectify and own into their own hands maybe seeking out media i know covers this topic isn't nice to myself. i think all of it got to me too cause when ur faced w those discussions u end up in this space of like well you dont understand survivors you hate survivors you dont like imperfect survivors#that killledd me and i know why now. or being like. you're a fascist you are operating off discomfort. i dont want anyone to die or lose stability for this. im not much better. i hated trying to prove i was trying to understand every angle of this. i think the only right answer is we just came out of it all differently it feels gross to have to pre-emptively caveat myself like im not interacting with this in That way. ig i still dont like the idea of speaking in a way that punishes other complicated survivors#but also i dont want to cross paths with you if you take on that kind of smug you're too sensitive and puritanical attitude about it#it really makes me sick.
anyway. the casual unspoken nature of grooming / incest in the series even by like ep 17 is beating my head in#anthy.......nanami.... her immediately reversing her own sibling dynamic onto tsuwabuki#the cow shit.#it's underpinning so many side character dynamics in a way ive just never seen before in a story#i think cause it's like the other film that really cut to me recently. pin 1988 where even when it's not overt#it all feels gross. every sibling dynamic is so saturated w some kind of ownership#even when it comes to miki and his sister. he has feelings for anthy bc he's trying to fill a gap his sister held in his childhood man what is that. it's an high class elite environment with people who want to take their individual problems and radicalize themsleves into destroying the world over it with the power of slavery. incest is a direct result of that, incest is an encouraged aspect of this power structure. anyway. anthy hurts big time. in a crazy way. her writing is driving me insane bc it's really clear how much of herself she's completely forgone to survive. i wonder if she's bitter, seeing other people experience a surface level taste of what she's being routinely forced through, it feels like she is, she should be, other people have a fundamental freedom that she does not here, she can't breakdown or be a person even in her own head it feels like she's really had to kill herself in a way no one else in the series will be able to understand. is she too completely divorced from herself to mind when utena talks so simply about anthy being her own person, does it make her mad. i hope she'll be allowed to get mad, i want that for her. she kills me. big time. ooouu... anthyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. kill everyone now
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