AGSZ need to film a training video for SOLIDER. How does it go?
Highlights from Sephiroth being forced to narrate an official SOLDIER training video
(Which was a mistake because they assumed he’d be professional instead of using the opportunity to air every grievance he’s accumulated over the years)
• “Today we’ll be reviewing several basic training exercises commonly performed by SOLDIER personnel. This training regimen has been approved by Shinra. Which is either reassuring or concerning depending on your perspective.”
*Zack sprints onscreen holding a clipboard and headset, urgently whispers in Sephiroth’s ear, then dips away*
“I’ve been informed that I’m not allowed to say that.”
• “Please note that the obstacle course is normally much dirtier. It was cleaned for filming.”
• “The grass was also installed for filming.”
• “In fact, I believe this entire field was installed for filming.”
• *gesturing* “These exercises are designed to prepare you for real combat situations. Which is odd, considering real combat situations generally do not provide safety mats.”
• “All personnel shown here are highly motivated” *Camera pans to Zack and Kunsel visibly struggling* “The camera crew has informed me I must clarify that none of them are being held against their will.”
• *As the camera films an argument between Genesis and Angeal* “Teamwork is, unfortunately, essential”
• “Here we see a mock combat exercise. Nobody involved likes each other.”
• “Many recruits dream of becoming SOLDIER First Class. After achieving this goal, you too can be asked to spend your afternoon filming training videos instead of completing your actual work.”
• “This exercise teaches awareness of your surroundings. For example, there is currently a camera behind me. And Zack has been attempting to signal me to stop talking for the last four minutes.”
• “Many people believe SOLDIER life is glamorous.” *camera pans to a recruit face down on the ground* “Those people are incorrect.’
• “Here we see a standard team-building exercise” *camera pans to Angeal holding Genesis in a headlock as they continue to argue*
• “Shinra provides excellent opportunities for career advancement.” *camera pans to Angeal and Genesis* “they’ve been promoted twice.” *camera pans to Kunsel* “he’s been promoted once.” *camera pans to Sephiroth* “And I’ve been trapped in the same position for years.” *furious shouting from the production staff*
• *Camera films Hojo walking into the training area carrying a clipboard* “Every ecosystem contains a natural predator. Notice the body language of the recruits as they back away. This is called survival instinct.”
Lazard: Last take! Please just say “I love working for Shinra.”
Sephiroth: Because if we’re teaching recruits, I think honesty is important.
Lazard: And what would the honest version be?
Sephiroth: “It’s too late for me. Save yourselves."
Lazard: CUT. CUT THE CAMERA. TURN IT OFF
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