Simple Plan last night was incredible.
Lately I have been feeling really really sad. Maybe it’s the lack of exercise, or that I really miss R (homesick) or that I am not happy in S due to recent events like when I realise what the job entails to. Perhaps it’s a combination of the above factors and perhaps, that nothing stays the same. Everybody ages, everybody will lose everybody at some point in their lives and I’m nearing that.
It’s irrational – this sadness. This melancholy. Right now, I have so much in my life – I have accomplish most of what I set out to do. I have my own house, I have a husband, I have a happy family, amazing relatives. Im still in touch with most of my friends. I have Kiko and President. I have good health. Work is generally okay except lately when I had that confusion. I should be happy now and I have no reason to be unhappy.
But yet, I feel lost. And sad. And lost. And depressed. And abit suicidal. What’s wrong with me? Is it the hormones? I don’t know. And I don’t know. Lol.
Lately I have been crying a lot as well. And last night at Simple Plan concert – as they were playing “Welcome to my life” – I was crying lol. Whyyyy. Why Shirley, what is happening? I think at the concert – I missed the feeling. The feeling of being young and having everyone around me and everything that I can do cus I am young and naïve. Perhaps I am no longer naïve which is what’s making me sad. I know the realities of adulting, the repercussions and cost of dreams. I know that dreams can be too irrational – and the grass is greener on the other side. I have seen how Felix works and know the reality of it – that you always have to please the client and you don’t have much freedom to exercise the creativity that you want.
Simple Plan concert is really amazing. It reminds me that the emo kid in me is still alive. When the lead singer asked us if we are still dreamers? I didn’t say yes. But I am a dreamer – and I still dream. But I think at the back of my head, I know it’s almost impossible to fulfil them. It reminds me of my first clubbing experience and how being on the dance floor is a safe space – all I had to do was just dance and everything will be okay. Last night, I felt that – for the 3 hours there, I was an 18 year old kid – wide eyed and ready to conquer the world. No need to bend over backwards to reality and what society wants. But here we are. Haha.
Ah Shirley – you need to really get your shit together and figure life out. Given the current circumstances, decide on a path forward and move on. Stop dwelling in the past. Stop self victimizing. Just stop.
If you wanna end your life – then why not try to live a good one? Right?
No matter what happens, I will always love you. By true, beautiful self who always tries her best and want to make the people around her happy.
Thank you Westlife and Simple Plan – for allowing me to remember what it was like to be a kid again. I needed it. So bad.
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