Sometimes I Write Things

[pink-prose]

Does this make me over it?

I woke up today

and I did not cry

got dressed today

and I did not cry

glanced at my body in the places

your hands once laid

and I did not cry.

I went to work today

and I did not cry

I made that dish you like

-but just because I wanted it

and I did not cry

heard that song you always sang

and I did not cry.

New lover met my eyes today

held my hand today

held me close today

kissed my lips today

we made love today

And all the while still hoping

That I would not cry.

[pink-prose]

Did I Start Existing Yesterday?

Because I cannot remember being in this story

The evidence says that we were happy

The pictures show me

Under the stars

Traveling and laughing and loving

And wishing on a dandelion

To never be apart

We wanted to be loved

I no longer recognize your voice

In the videos I have

We forced us to love

What we truly did not want

All for the sake of

One dandelion seed not

Dying in vain

[pink-prose]

You wrote me a love song but snipped the fucking strings.

[pink-prose]

“I never thought I would let someone touch me again,”

I whisper, my head on your chest.

[pink-prose]

And all of a sudden,

The universe gave me a love song

[pink-prose]

Put a ring on my finger

And watch it turn to acid

[pink-prose]

Someone mentioned your home state at work today. The state that would have been our home together, if you’d been what you promised. I realize now that I hate that place.

[pink-prose]

I finally said that “I love you”,

but you weren’t there to hear it

[pink-prose]

She holds me as if the most fragile thing

is the strand of my hair between her fingers.

Her touch is so gentle and I wonder:

Is it because she can feel how scared I am?

A gentle touch in contrast to the violent glances?

As if her embrace could bring the color back to our grayed public show-

to unapologetically in this quiet moment whisper:

It is okay to love me.

[pink-prose]

I know that I love you.

I thought I knew it when you understood my sadness before I even gave it words.

I thought I knew it the first time I came over and we just talked for five hours about everything.

I thought I knew it the first time you cried in front of me, because that showed me you could be vulnerable around me.

But, I know now.

I know right in this moment with you calmly asleep on my couch in the middle of the afternoon.

I know it as I stay quiet to let you sleep while I bake cookies and brew tea for when you’re awake again.

The warmth in that smile when you realize I’d done those things was better than any thank you or embrace I could have ever gotten.

You’re the truest friend I’ve ever had, and I swear if I’ve ever felt love in my life then this is it.

[pink-prose]

Sorry that I was just what you had, and not what you really wanted.

[pink-prose]

“If you’re really back this time, just tell me you’re actually mine.”

[pink-prose]

“There’s something about the way you still look at me after all of this time. It’s like your lips just won’t say what your heart has known for years.”

[pink-prose]

“I want you to be happy. If happy is somewhere that I’m not, then leave me and go find it.”

[pink-prose]

You’ve got my heart-if you ever decide you want it.

[pink-prose]

Nothing hurts more than an “I love you” you can’t say.

[pink-prose]

“Get out there and start living. The world is waiting for you.”