I'm a scarred 'Kitchen Sink'
Before I get to what's really on my heart, I want to tell you a story (as told by a man named Tom Richards).
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Everyone thought Kyle was a big nerd. Carrying a big stack of books home on a Friday afternoon, he was like a walking bulls-eye for the bullies who picked on him. They ran at him, knocking him to the ground, and laughed as his books and wire-rimmed glasses flew in the air. With tears in his eyes, Kyle sat humiliated on the front lawn of the school. That's where he met Brad.
Brad was a confident, compassionate guy. Athletic and smart, he was well-liked. He helped Kyle back on his feet and offered to carry some of his heavy load of books. As they walked home, the two guys discovered they lived just a block apart. Brad invited Kyle to play football with his friends that afternoon, and the two eventually became best friends.
Fast forward to senior year. Kyle, the class valedictorian, was the graduation speaker. The one-time nerd was now one of the best looking, most popular guys in school. In his graduation speech, he testified to the power of his friend's compassion. Brad was shocked at what Kyle said.
He talked about the day he met Brad; it was the same day he was planning to kill himself. Kyle was carrying all his books home so that his mom would not need to clean out his locker after his suicide. Kyle was lonely and at the end of his rope. Brad's simple act of compassion--a helping hand, a genuine interest--not only initiated a great friendship, it saved Kyle's life.
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Maybe you've heard or read this story (or a version of it) before. How did it make you feel? No really, I want you to dig deep into your heart & psyche and think about this. Which person (Kyle or Brad) can YOU relate to more?
I had ORIGINALLY set out to write about something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. But I believe, God has a funny way of using us to get things out that need to be said. He apparently (& I trust His leading) had a different plan for this writing. And I'm just gonna go with it. I'll be very honest, I'M A CHRISTIAN. My Faith is very real. But I am also VERY human. I'M NOT PERFECT. I still make mistakes. I screw up A LOT. You may or may not agree with some of the things I say here (or say online). And that's ok. But I want you to stick with me, hang in there, and read through this. Because it's VERY RAW and VERY REAL. I want it to challenge you.
MY TRANSPARENCY MOMENT: (Note: This is difficult. Very difficult. I've never said this outside of my own family. And the feelings are surfacing all over again. The tears have started, but it's cleansing...)
I too, had real suicidal thoughts. I was pregnant...with our 3rd child (we already had a 3 year old daughter & a 1.5 year old son) I had what's called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (a VERY severe form of Morning Sickness). I couldn't even eat ice chips. I had a 'PIC line' IV for 8 straight weeks (my husband, nurse or family would switch out IV bags every 4 hours or so. That was the only way I was getting any fluid or nutrition into my body. I had a Home Nurse coming to see me 2x a week . I was on 2 of the strongest anti-nausea medications (ones that they give Chemo patients) that they would allow during a pregnancy. I have never dry-heaved so much in my life. I relied on friends & family to take care of our 2 children, because I couldn't be a mother to them. I became a fixture on the couch...or the floor...or my bed, every day. I would either crawl up the stairs to bed or my husband would carry me each night. He would even bathe me in our bathtub (Talk about unconditional love & self-lessness - I don't know what i'd do without him.) I lost so much weight in the first week that i was sick, that my doctor was very concerned. ...and because of HOW HELPLESSLY SICK I FELT, I HONESTLY DIDN'T CARE IF I LOST OUR BABY OR IF...I...JUST...DIED.
Let's jump back to 5 years before. The year is 1996 (I know, a lot of you may not have been born or were very young :c). Married 3 years and pregnant for the first time. Elated at our first ultrasound, we HEAR a heartbeat & SEE on the screen the tiny life growing that will be our child. However... as my husband was away in New York for work, and i'm home alone, ...I start to bleed & have horrible, writhing pains. I have all the pregnancy books, so I KNOW WHAT THESE SIGNS MEAN. Within the next day or so, while using the restroom (sorry if this seems graphic, but it's relevant), ...I PASSED WHAT WAS TO BE OUR FIRST CHILD. I SAW what was a 'text book' version of a baby fetus. This image is FOREVER BRANDED IN MY BRAIN. There was NOTHING I could do and NOTHING that I did wrong during the pregnancy. The loss of that child was NOT MY CHOICE. A miscarriage is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, EVER. It is absolutely DEVASTATING. Especially when it is COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.
Back to my 4th pregnancy (when I was sick with our 3rd child)-- It literally shames me to say, that I PRAYED that if it was in God's Will to take that baby's life or mine [and bring ME relief], then so be it. Some of you may ask, 'Where's the shame in that'? I'll tell you. Because it wasn't until God carried me out of that dark time and into a VERY smooth rest of my pregnancy (& a delivery that was hardly a delivery! 'Gracey', our beautiful, amazing, heaven-sent daughter, practically 'danced her way into this world'!) I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT HER. Those thought's & feelings I had when I was in the darkest part of that pregnancy, WERE THE MOST SELFISH & SELF-CENTERED THOUGHTS a person could EVER have. And because of that, I am ashamed. But, I am also FORGIVEN for those thoughts & feelings. And because of that, I am still here (& so is she!) with purpose. I am merely a 'Vessel' (sound familiar?), and I am put on this earth for a BEAUTIFUL PURPOSE. And you know what? SO. ARE. YOU!
It's NOT up to us to take a life. Someone else's, or our own!
Oh. And about our miscarriage... I KNOW, without a doubt, that we will see that child in Heaven one day. (Our kids know they have a 4th sibling they will meet in Heaven someday too.)
Let me be very clear on something--I DON'T SHARE ALL OF THIS to get sympathy or a 'boo-hoo' response. I'm just sharing a piece of my heart with you in hope that it gets you thinking about your OWN life and OTHERS. ;c)
How does this ALL tie in to the stories up above? Well, it's simple really. COMPASSION & PURPOSE & HOPE. I've gone through a lot of other stuff in my life (including living with Degenerative Disc Disease - Chronic Pain [daily], ADD, blah-blah-blah...), and suffice to say, ya, a lot of days suck. But you know what, I believe/trust in a God who has carried me through a LOT of junk in my 43 years of my life (yes, the age - uhg. ;c), and will CONTINUE to do so. I may be older than you, but, WE ARE ALL BRØKEN PEØPLE in some way or another. And together, through 'The Clique', Piløts, Fans, or whatever you wish to call yourself, we can HELP MEND EACTH OTHER.
I just thought of a friend, who very poignantly put something on a t-shirt, that 'fits' what i'm saying: 'Kindness Is Always Free' (Tyler Wetta, www.ancoraco.org) :c)
I really believe God has blessed me a gift of compassion. And I don't say this arrogantly. I say this because, I've been thru stuff. A LOT of stuff. Sheesh, for all practical purposes (because of some stupid choices I made in college, I probably shouldn't be here!). But I genuinely, with every fiber in my being, believe THAT I HAVE PURPOSE IN LIFE! I'M STILL ALIVE and have been given this very opportunity to share this with you. ...I may not EXACTLY what you're going through. But, I will be there for you & try to understand...and I want you to know, if we correspond on any of the social medias & I express to you how much I CARE &/OR THAT I WILL PRAY FOR YOU, I MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT. I literally have a notebook that I write your 'handle' or name down in it to remind me to pray for you. :c)
It's literally taken me a combined 5+ hours & several tears to write this. So i'll let it be, as it is.
Allow yourself to 'wrap your brain around this'. 'Chew on it' for a while. 'Process it'. If you have questions, i'll be happy to do my best to answer. If you have a comment, I'd love to hear what you have to say.
This is me, being transparent.
'Since your words are a window into your heart, what do you want others to know about you and your God when they look through that window?'
* LØVE * CØMPASSION * HØNESTY * HØPE * PURPØSE * PASSIØN *
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